I'm the DW and primary breadwinner, and I hate it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, would you prefer if your DH got a job bagging groceries? That's likely all he can get at this point. Maybe he can work his way up to deli manager, or something.

If you think he is going to land a professional job at this point, keep dreaming. I have heard managers at my company say flat out that men who are out of the workforce for more than a year or two have zero chance of being considered because of the assumption that something is wrong with them.

The only exception might be if he goes back to school and gets a relevant degree or technical certification. A guy who graduated from college 20+ years ago and hasn't worked in almost as long is a long shot.


Eh, that might be a bit extreme. I posted earlier in this thread as a former SAHD for 6 years, from age 40 thru 45. I worked in IT, which of course is a rapidly advancing technical field. I went back to work in the same field after a six year absence, and actually went straight into a better position than the one that I left. It can happen.

That's a total different situation. You were senior, had lots of industry experience at 40, still had contact who knew you, and the IT field has slowed down a lot(from where it was 15 years ago). Try siting out 15-20 years, your contracts are gone, the people you worked for have moved on and you don't know the industry anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking back, can you see the reasons why he suddenly quit his job to stay at home with the kids? What was the final straw for him? It seems like a pretty huge decision for one spouse to make alone without any input from the other spouse. I suppose it's good that the decision did work out for the betterment of your family. Now it's a matter of pulling together to make it work now.

Doesn't sound like he quit to stay home with the kids. Sounds like he quit his job for some unrelated reason, then became a SAHD by default. This is probably adding to the resentment.

When I became a SAHD it was a joint decision, or actually a push from DW. She fully understood and was on board with the idea that returning to work in the same capacity might be tough later on, but felt it was important. It worked out for us and I made it back to full employment.

Sounds like the OP didn't have this kind of input and didn't have a chance to consider the long term ramifications. Basically, DH just decided to retire young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, OP. Just divorce him.

Oh yeah. You don't want to pay alimony.

Sucks doesn't it!

Hahahahahaha!

OP: I love him. I don't want to end our marriage. I'd like some financial help toward mutual goals.

As for alimony, I'd pay for a while, but this man is capable of supporting himself if he had to, I don't think a judge would blindly ignore that, or I'd have a good enough attorney to drive that point home. He's skilled and educated with a masters degree. I am not going to divorce him anyway, but if I were, alimony would be the least of my concerns.

[Anonymous]

Has your DH considered an online business? My DH has several websites that generate some sales income. He can do the work from home and is self-employed. It isn't enough money to pay half our bills, however it is enough to contribute to a few extras and gives him a remunerative purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looking back, can you see the reasons why he suddenly quit his job to stay at home with the kids? What was the final straw for him? It seems like a pretty huge decision for one spouse to make alone without any input from the other spouse. I suppose it's good that the decision did work out for the betterment of your family. Now it's a matter of pulling together to make it work now.

Doesn't sound like he quit to stay home with the kids. Sounds like he quit his job for some unrelated reason, then became a SAHD by default. This is probably adding to the resentment.

When I became a SAHD it was a joint decision, or actually a push from DW. She fully understood and was on board with the idea that returning to work in the same capacity might be tough later on, but felt it was important. It worked out for us and I made it back to full employment.

Sounds like the OP didn't have this kind of input and didn't have a chance to consider the long term ramifications. Basically, DH just decided to retire young.

I'm not sure that we can assume that he didn't quit to be at home with the kids. That point seems vague to me. Maybe Op was rising in her career, was taking business trips/working long hours, pulling in the $$ and her dh was finding that he was the one that always had to manage the childcare pick up/drop off, sick days, doc appts, bed times, kiddie classes, etc. Yes, many working parents do that every day and then some - not saying that they don't. But if Op and her dh could manage on one salary, Op's dh may have decided to do just that.

Not saying that it happened that way, but it could have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey, OP. Just divorce him.

Oh yeah. You don't want to pay alimony.

Sucks doesn't it!

Hahahahahaha!

OP: I love him. I don't want to end our marriage. I'd like some financial help toward mutual goals.

As for alimony, I'd pay for a while, but this man is capable of supporting himself if he had to, I don't think a judge would blindly ignore that, or I'd have a good enough attorney to drive that point home. He's skilled and educated with a masters degree. I am not going to divorce him anyway, but if I were, alimony would be the least of my concerns.

Talk to him and let him know that you love him but you are exhausted and it would mean A LOT to you if he could get a job and help you to save for a nice retirement together.

[Anonymous]

Well OP it's like this. It took many years to get to this point. It will take a few years to get out of it. Sit down with him and figure out what is important. Remember this is not just, hey the kids are done now, thanks for your support during that time but now it's time to pull your weight. You are changing the contract after you go a lot of the benifits for him staying at home. I do think you are in dream land of him being able to pull in good income. You are looking at 45-55k a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well OP it's like this. It took many years to get to this point. It will take a few years to get out of it. Sit down with him and figure out what is important. Remember this is not just, hey the kids are done now, thanks for your support during that time but now it's time to pull your weight. You are changing the contract after you go a lot of the benifits for him staying at home. I do think you are in dream land of him being able to pull in good income. You are looking at 45-55k a year.

From OP. I hear you. That sounds like a sane supportive approach. I'm not expecting six figures. Your post does make me want to clear something up.
HE CHANGED the contract unilaterally by quitting the first time. Then as a couple WE decided to make the best of things, and there ended up being major good benefits from having a SAHP, but I didn't know that up front. I don't think it's asking too much for him to look for employment. I'm not expecting him to find something tomorrow. He AGREED and said he would look for a job, but it appears like he isn't.

[Anonymous]

grow and sell pot. no joke.