I'm the DW and primary breadwinner, and I hate it

[Anonymous]

This is exactly why I never left the work force. I would never in a million years do this to my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM, single mom of two. Any spouse who is not pulling their weight should be ashamed. Either work earning money all day, or the house and kids better be ship-shape when the breadwinner comes home. That includes dinner, laundry, and keeping the children engaged, entertained, and learning.

OP your DH is not pulling his weight. He needs to step up.

If there were SAHMs here they'd be saying how hard it is to do ANYTHING other than take care of kids (I agree with you BTW). And the bonbon brigade would be sympathizing.

So when a DH acts like this he needs to step up. When a woman does, she's a hero doing "the most important job and no other."

Got it.

OP: our kids are GROWN. I did say I thought it was valuable and I appreciated his contribution when we were RAISING our kids, even though there were times I would have loved to trade places. There is NO higher purpose that he can pin staying at home for at this point. He won't negotiate a change, and it has me up in arms, even though I asked for some financial help, which I think is reasonable at this point.

Why didn't you bring this up with your husband, OP, when your youngest child entered high school, so your husband would have 4 years to plan what comes next for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM, single mom of two. Any spouse who is not pulling their weight should be ashamed. Either work earning money all day, or the house and kids better be ship-shape when the breadwinner comes home. That includes dinner, laundry, and keeping the children engaged, entertained, and learning.

OP your DH is not pulling his weight. He needs to step up.

If there were SAHMs here they'd be saying how hard it is to do ANYTHING other than take care of kids (I agree with you BTW). And the bonbon brigade would be sympathizing.

So when a DH acts like this he needs to step up. When a woman does, she's a hero doing "the most important job and no other."

Got it.

OP: our kids are GROWN. I did say I thought it was valuable and I appreciated his contribution when we were RAISING our kids, even though there were times I would have loved to trade places. There is NO higher purpose that he can pin staying at home for at this point. He won't negotiate a change, and it has me up in arms, even though I asked for some financial help, which I think is reasonable at this point.

Why didn't you bring this up with your husband, OP, when your youngest child entered high school, so your husband would have 4 years to plan what comes next for him?

Why is it OP's responsibility to force her husband into contributing to his family?

[Anonymous]

So your husband has been out of the work force for what ...12-17 years? That will be a tough transition. The only thing he will be able to do will be entry level stuff. He has to be retrained or go back to school. After that he will likely be one of the oldest people at work and get no vacation time. The no vacation time is the biggest drag.

[Anonymous]

^^ the lack of vacation times will mean stay vacation for you.

[Anonymous]

Also employers are going to put his resume at the bottem of the pile...he is old and has not worked for years. LOL not a good combo now days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your husband has been out of the work force for what ...12-17 years? That will be a tough transition. The only thing he will be able to do will be entry level stuff. He has to be retrained or go back to school. After that he will likely be one of the oldest people at work and get no vacation time. The no vacation time is the biggest drag.

Do you people read?

He's been voluteering and keeping up with non-paid work. He isn't shooting for a CEO position, but he should be able to find some kind of job.

OP - I would suggest he find a head hunter to help with the job search.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your husband has been out of the work force for what ...12-17 years? That will be a tough transition. The only thing he will be able to do will be entry level stuff. He has to be retrained or go back to school. After that he will likely be one of the oldest people at work and get no vacation time. The no vacation time is the biggest drag.

Do you people read?

He's been voluteering and keeping up with non-paid work. He isn't shooting for a CEO position, but he should be able to find some kind of job.

OP - I would suggest he find a head hunter to help with the job search.

Haha, I'm sure he can get a job where is salary is zero. Volunteering? Whatever.

50 year olds with years of experience have trouble finding jobs, but this guys hobby will land him a gig?

He can be a greeter at Walmart...

But seriously, his only option is to put out a shingle and do contract based work for basically free for years and he might build a clientele.

What are his skills? Maybe he can get a job at national PTA or private school lobbying group?

But it's going to be hard me pay squat. Won't really in anyway help move up OPs retirement, Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM, single mom of two. Any spouse who is not pulling their weight should be ashamed. Either work earning money all day, or the house and kids better be ship-shape when the breadwinner comes home. That includes dinner, laundry, and keeping the children engaged, entertained, and learning.

OP your DH is not pulling his weight. He needs to step up.

If there were SAHMs here they'd be saying how hard it is to do ANYTHING other than take care of kids (I agree with you BTW). And the bonbon brigade would be sympathizing.

So when a DH acts like this he needs to step up. When a woman does, she's a hero doing "the most important job and no other."

Got it.

OP: our kids are GROWN. I did say I thought it was valuable and I appreciated his contribution when we were RAISING our kids, even though there were times I would have loved to trade places. There is NO higher purpose that he can pin staying at home for at this point. He won't negotiate a change, and it has me up in arms, even though I asked for some financial help, which I think is reasonable at this point.

Why didn't you bring this up with your husband, OP, when your youngest child entered high school, so your husband would have 4 years to plan what comes next for him?

Why is it OP's responsibility to force her husband into contributing to his family?

It's not but sometimes SAHPs are delusional that their time at home will never end, and gently bringing it up years in advance can be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM, single mom of two. Any spouse who is not pulling their weight should be ashamed. Either work earning money all day, or the house and kids better be ship-shape when the breadwinner comes home. That includes dinner, laundry, and keeping the children engaged, entertained, and learning.

OP your DH is not pulling his weight. He needs to step up.

If there were SAHMs here they'd be saying how hard it is to do ANYTHING other than take care of kids (I agree with you BTW). And the bonbon brigade would be sympathizing.

So when a DH acts like this he needs to step up. When a woman does, she's a hero doing "the most important job and no other."

Got it.

OP: our kids are GROWN. I did say I thought it was valuable and I appreciated his contribution when we were RAISING our kids, even though there were times I would have loved to trade places. There is NO higher purpose that he can pin staying at home for at this point. He won't negotiate a change, and it has me up in arms, even though I asked for some financial help, which I think is reasonable at this point.

Why didn't you bring this up with your husband, OP, when your youngest child entered high school, so your husband would have 4 years to plan what comes next for him?

Why is it OP's responsibility to force her husband into contributing to his family?

It's not but sometimes SAHPs are delusional that their time at home will never end, and gently bringing it up years in advance can be helpful.

And the precedent here is very clear: most SAHMs never return to full time work with any meaningful income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM, single mom of two. Any spouse who is not pulling their weight should be ashamed. Either work earning money all day, or the house and kids better be ship-shape when the breadwinner comes home. That includes dinner, laundry, and keeping the children engaged, entertained, and learning.

OP your DH is not pulling his weight. He needs to step up.

If there were SAHMs here they'd be saying how hard it is to do ANYTHING other than take care of kids (I agree with you BTW). And the bonbon brigade would be sympathizing.

So when a DH acts like this he needs to step up. When a woman does, she's a hero doing "the most important job and no other."

Got it.

OP: our kids are GROWN. I did say I thought it was valuable and I appreciated his contribution when we were RAISING our kids, even though there were times I would have loved to trade places. There is NO higher purpose that he can pin staying at home for at this point. He won't negotiate a change, and it has me up in arms, even though I asked for some financial help, which I think is reasonable at this point.

Why didn't you bring this up with your husband, OP, when your youngest child entered high school, so your husband would have 4 years to plan what comes next for him?

Why is it OP's responsibility to force her husband into contributing to his family?

It's not but sometimes SAHPs are delusional that their time at home will never end, and gently bringing it up years in advance can be helpful.

And the precedent here is very clear: most SAHMs never return to full time work with any meaningful income.

I'm a feminist and a SAHM, but I think this issue is overblown. It requires ingenuity, tenacity, and creativity, but reentering the workforce can certainly be done. Frankly, I think a lot of people like to make excuses rather than bust their butts trying to make it work for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM, single mom of two. Any spouse who is not pulling their weight should be ashamed. Either work earning money all day, or the house and kids better be ship-shape when the breadwinner comes home. That includes dinner, laundry, and keeping the children engaged, entertained, and learning.

OP your DH is not pulling his weight. He needs to step up.

If there were SAHMs here they'd be saying how hard it is to do ANYTHING other than take care of kids (I agree with you BTW). And the bonbon brigade would be sympathizing.

So when a DH acts like this he needs to step up. When a woman does, she's a hero doing "the most important job and no other."

Got it.

OP: our kids are GROWN. I did say I thought it was valuable and I appreciated his contribution when we were RAISING our kids, even though there were times I would have loved to trade places. There is NO higher purpose that he can pin staying at home for at this point. He won't negotiate a change, and it has me up in arms, even though I asked for some financial help, which I think is reasonable at this point.

Why didn't you bring this up with your husband, OP, when your youngest child entered high school, so your husband would have 4 years to plan what comes next for him?

Why is it OP's responsibility to force her husband into contributing to his family?

It's not but sometimes SAHPs are delusional that their time at home will never end, and gently bringing it up years in advance can be helpful.

And the precedent here is very clear: most SAHMs never return to full time work with any meaningful income.

I'm a feminist and a SAHM, but I think this issue is overblown. It requires ingenuity, tenacity, and creativity, but reentering the workforce can certainly be done. Frankly, I think a lot of people like to make excuses rather than bust their butts trying to make it work for themselves.

So are you back at work? It isn't a matter of drive but lack of opportunity for older workers absent from workforce for decade or so.

It's easy to tut-tut when you are still home, let's talk when you are working again. Full time. Not for a family business or as a realtor.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wonder if a slight reframing could help. Sounds like your DH is doing a lot of work for others for free. Maybe say instead of "get a job," he should be "bringing in money." Then it's less that he has to do something he hasn't done for ~20 years, and more that he has to alter what he's been doing slightly so he's not giving it away for free anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your husband has been out of the work force for what ...12-17 years? That will be a tough transition. The only thing he will be able to do will be entry level stuff. He has to be retrained or go back to school. After that he will likely be one of the oldest people at work and get no vacation time. The no vacation time is the biggest drag.

So what? He can max out his 401(k) while working his way up or use the job as a stepping stone. He should be pretty well-rested at this point and who cares how old he is compared to his co-workers?

[Anonymous]

Good thing you aren't a guy. If you were, DCUM would be coming at you with spears for suggesting your wife go back to work.