I'm the DW and primary breadwinner, and I hate it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good thing you aren't a guy. If you were, DCUM would be coming at you with spears for suggesting your wife go back to work.

Citation, please. Please show me a thread where people say a mom of a grown kid (HS graduate) should be allowed to sit on her ass.

[Anonymous]

OP, my parents were in a similar situation. Except that my dad had made a couple of failed attempts at self-employment in the intervening years--a restaurant, an artistic pursuit. I'm not sure what happened exactly but my mom was way more furious than you sound--my dad didn't have a real income for about twenty years, zero of which were while there were small children at home. (He basically worked up until we were all in school, changed careers, hated the new career, and became a stay-at-home dad to tweens and teens.)

Finally, my dad got a seasonal, decent-paying job a year or two before my mom retired from her stressful career. He continued it working that job for about 6 years, retiring just this year. I swear, I think that job saved their marriage. It is so hard psychologically to feel like you are shouldering the whole burden of the family's finances, especially when your partner isn't contributing an equivalent amount of labor to the home.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband very attractive? Is he good in bed? Just trying to figure out why he's gotten away with not having a job for so long.....

[Anonymous]

I too am the defaulted breadwinner DW. I went through a period of 10 years where I was really angry about it. Nothing changed. Now DH (who's older than me) is in his 60s and miraculously things are better. I think we've come to a place of realizing this isn't changing at this stage of the game. He's facing retirement and I enjoy my work. Kids are basically grown at this point. I'm just focused on making these years the best they can be; I'm over mourning what isn't. I want to move forward with what is still possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I too am the defaulted breadwinner DW. I went through a period of 10 years where I was really angry about it. Nothing changed. Now DH (who's older than me) is in his 60s and miraculously things are better. I think we've come to a place of realizing this isn't changing at this stage of the game. He's facing retirement and I enjoy my work. Kids are basically grown at this point. I'm just focused on making these years the best they can be; I'm over mourning what isn't. I want to move forward with what is still possible.

Why all this rage when so many DW try to be SAHM even if DH not excited to shoulder breadwinner status.

Hint, sexism at workplace won't end until we also get rid of it at home.

[Anonymous]

I am a DW in the same position though my hold ren are young now. We did not agree on him staying him though I can swing the finances, it is less comfortable than we would both like. There is a lot of resentment on my end that I try very hard to deal with. My job entails a lot of hours and stress and I don't appreciate the burden of being the only one employed in our house. MyDH says he is looking though there is not much evidence of that. I have not much advice other than to show you you're not alone in your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for typos!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband very attractive? Is he good in bed? Just trying to figure out why he's gotten away with not having a job for so long.....

Is that the criteria for being a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Lordy Lordy. I'd strangle the lazy sob.

[Anonymous]

OP, would you prefer if your DH got a job bagging groceries? That's likely all he can get at this point. Maybe he can work his way up to deli manager, or something.

If you think he is going to land a professional job at this point, keep dreaming. I have heard managers at my company say flat out that men who are out of the workforce for more than a year or two have zero chance of being considered because of the assumption that something is wrong with them.

The only exception might be if he goes back to school and gets a relevant degree or technical certification. A guy who graduated from college 20+ years ago and hasn't worked in almost as long is a long shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lordy Lordy. I'd strangle the lazy sob.

Maybe you can convince him to commit suicide.

The suicide rate for older, unemployed men is extremely high, partly due to their feelings of shame and uselessness.

Obviously, I am using sarcasm to make a point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lordy Lordy. I'd strangle the lazy sob.

Maybe you can convince him to commit suicide.

The suicide rate for older, unemployed men is extremely high, partly due to their feelings of shame and uselessness.

Obviously, I am using sarcasm to make a point.

Just wondering if some couples decide to both retire and accept a less fabulous retirement than they might have envisioned.

[Anonymous]

What a fucking pussy pants loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM, single mom of two. Any spouse who is not pulling their weight should be ashamed. Either work earning money all day, or the house and kids better be ship-shape when the breadwinner comes home. That includes dinner, laundry, and keeping the children engaged, entertained, and learning.

OP your DH is not pulling his weight. He needs to step up.

+1!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So your husband has been out of the work force for what ...12-17 years? That will be a tough transition. The only thing he will be able to do will be entry level stuff. He has to be retrained or go back to school. After that he will likely be one of the oldest people at work and get no vacation time. The no vacation time is the biggest drag.


So what? He can max out his 401(k) while working his way up or use the job as a stepping stone. He should be pretty well-rested at this point and who cares how old he is compared to his co-workers?

It does matter. Socially he will not relate to his co workers(who will be in their early 20's) and they will not relate to him. While the people his age will be in senior positions and not in his social circle as an entry level employee. Also, clients will see his age and assume he is senior and all that goes with it(like knowing the industry etc). In addition, the places most likely to hire him will be a small company. About 70% of companies do not offer 401ks and the smaller the company the less likely to have a 401k. He will mostly like be an hourly worker or doing contract work with no access to a 401k or benifits. Not having to get a job with benifits(if he stays on the wife's benifits plan), will give him more options. I changed careers in my 30's, it hard. In your late 40's or 50's, it's even hard.