I'm the DW and primary breadwinner, and I hate it
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Anonymous
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Ok gentlemen, line up with your snarky comments. Here's the story: I'm a professional woman with excellent income. when our kids were little, it made sense for DH to be a stay at home Dad. It made our life more sane, and I agree there were major benefits for the children. However, I was defaulted into the primary breadwinner position because DH quit his job and never found another. Now said kids are grown, and I'd like DH to find employment. He has a graduate degree and management experience, and I think he has a lot to offer a start up. I'm not looking for him to make a huge salary. Now with the kids grown, it feels like he's on permanent retirement and I'm still courting a heart attack. I'd like to retire earlier than I could without his extra income. Then we could both enjoy retirement.
He agrees to get a job, says there aren't any, I see no evidence besides passively posting a resume on monster that he's looking. He's happy with how things are. I'm not. What advice would you give me? |
Anonymous
What does your husband do all day, if the kids are grown? (I'd ask the same question about a SAHM.) |
Anonymous
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How's your quality of life? ie are you all able to maintain the bills, have savings, etc?
I imagine it's rough. I know some other people in the same situation. Where after staying or working at home, their spouse has no drive or desire to return to a full time 9 to 5 work routine. How far are you all from retirement? If it's a big deal, maybe talk to him about the goals for retirement and what is needed to reach the goal? ie income and savings? Also in his defense, and I think the issue for people debating to stay at home to raise kids, is that there is a chance to get outdated. ie they've been out of the business for a long time that it's hard to get back in. Especially if it's apparent their age or if they want to return to a higher position. So he might be trying more than you realize but it's kind of rough looking for a job. |
Anonymous
| Leave him. |
Anonymous
| OP: I have no idea. He goes to the chamber of commerce and volunteers, he has worked on political campaigns for no compensation. he doesn't cook. Household chores are minimal. We have a friend who is doing a start up and he works unpaid for him, when he feels like it. |
Anonymous
| I've been a stay at home mom for just shy of ten years. The kids will be in full day school soon, so I've been earning my masters in preparation. I'll be working full time soon. No excuse for this. I'd tell him to get his butt in gear or he'd need to hit the road... |
Anonymous
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OP, you should...
talk to him. |
Anonymous
| OP, read the defaulted breadwinner post. Find the last post OP posted. It kind of explains your options eloquently. |
Anonymous
| Take note, SAHMs. |
Anonymous
| WHen you say the kids are grown, you mean out of the house grown? |
Anonymous
It sounds like he is engaged in activities that he does find interesting. Maybe he just does not want to return to a crummy office job. How much income from him would be acceptable? It sounds like he might be interested in something low level with a non-standard work environment. |
Anonymous
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I think if the roles were reversed in this post, you'd see a string of empathetic replies about how challenging and stressful it is to get back into the workforce after years away.
Understanding that pressure may help you understand what your husband is feeling. This is an intimidating process in which he will face far more rejection than approval. A job search is like dating. It's "no, no, no" until someone finally says yes. If your husband wants to return to work like you want him to, show him you understand his stress by offering loads of patience and appreciation for the emotional risk his job search presents. |
Anonymous
| OP: yes. Last one graduates HS this June. He has a job, car and college lined up. |
Anonymous
+10000000 now you know how we feel...yeah, looking at you, the DCUM misandrists |
Anonymous
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DH and former SAHD here. I sympathize. Your DH needs a kick in the pants.
My DH became the primary breadwinner in our household unexpectedly when the smaller company she worked for went through an big period of growth. She became a partner and VP. Big salary. Stock. Profit sharing. Suddenly she was making 4 times my salary. When our kids were small (3 and 5) it was decided that I'd quit my position and stay with them. I was reluctant, but did so. I did the SAHD thing for ~6 years. I will tell you, it was HARD going back to work. You really get used to, how can I say this, being a man of leisure. And yes, once they're in school most all day, it's leisure. I don't care what anyone says about the difficulty of running a house. I did it all. It's not that hard. I've been back in a professional position for 6 years now and I'm glad. But without DW saying "get off your ass and go to work" I don't know if I'd have done it on my own. I can admit that. Lay down the law. He'll thank you for it later. |