on a romantic weekend... not going well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad that I married the woman I did. she gives me my space and trusts me And doesn't get bent out of shape when I go to happy hour and she doesn't need to because I'd never cheat. I have no desire to break my marriage up and end up with one of the many insecure women posting on these boards.

She's not talking about staying out late once in a while. She's speaking about being deliberately misled for a long time. Since your wife is secure, it sounds like you wouldn't pull crap like that. It's the lying.

It is the insecurity and the lying.

They are both at fault here.

Easy fix. Could be much, much worse.

NO. She's done nothing wrong. He's been neither at work or home for 6-8hrs on a weeknight for the past several months while she was at home with 3 small children. He purposely misled her by withholding that he was out drinking and socializing. And for fun, let's pretend she is insecure. That's not a "fault." She hasn't done anything faulty.

They are a couple. There are insecurities within their marriage that have led to him having to lie. They are both at fault.

If there is a person MORE at fault....to make you all feel better....then yes he is more at fault. But you have to ignore the underlying issue of insecurities and unrealistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad that I married the woman I did. she gives me my space and trusts me And doesn't get bent out of shape when I go to happy hour and she doesn't need to because I'd never cheat. I have no desire to break my marriage up and end up with one of the many insecure women posting on these boards.

You don't have three small kids, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what happens if his graduate degree leads him to a job where he has to travel? Deal breaker?

Only if he extends his travel beyond business and fails to discuss this with her!

[Anonymous]

I think it's pretty realistic to expect help from your spouse with three children and to expect honesty. It's not medieval torture to come home and be with your own children. No one is saying spouses shouldn't have alone adult time.

It wasn't negotiated very fairly. As a matter of fact, he had minimum responsibility to be transparent. Instead, he didn't permit fair negotiation because he hid facts, slanted to his favor. It's dirty dealing. And you shouldn't expect that kind of treatment from your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad that I married the woman I did. she gives me my space and trusts me And doesn't get bent out of shape when I go to happy hour and she doesn't need to because I'd never cheat. I have no desire to break my marriage up and end up with one of the many insecure women posting on these boards.

You don't have three small kids, do you?

Not PP.

But why does this matter?

Every adult should have time for themselves. Kids or not. The other partner should have no problem with this unless it is excessive. One night a week, IMO, is not excessive. The partner should also get her one night a week out with her friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad that I married the woman I did. she gives me my space and trusts me And doesn't get bent out of shape when I go to happy hour and she doesn't need to because I'd never cheat. I have no desire to break my marriage up and end up with one of the many insecure women posting on these boards.

She's not talking about staying out late once in a while. She's speaking about being deliberately misled for a long time. Since your wife is secure, it sounds like you wouldn't pull crap like that. It's the lying.

It is the insecurity and the lying.

They are both at fault here.

Easy fix. Could be much, much worse.

NO. She's done nothing wrong. He's been neither at work or home for 6-8hrs on a weeknight for the past several months while she was at home with 3 small children. He purposely misled her by withholding that he was out drinking and socializing. And for fun, let's pretend she is insecure. That's not a "fault." She hasn't done anything faulty.

+100 When you have young kids, time spent away from the family needs to be discussed with the spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's pretty realistic to expect help from your spouse with three children and to expect honesty. It's not medieval torture to come home and be with your own children. No one is saying spouses shouldn't have alone adult time.

It wasn't negotiated very fairly. As a matter of fact, he had minimum responsibility to be transparent. Instead, he didn't permit fair negotiation because he hid facts, slanted to his favor. It's dirty dealing. And you shouldn't expect that kind of treatment from your spouse.

+ 1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad that I married the woman I did. she gives me my space and trusts me And doesn't get bent out of shape when I go to happy hour and she doesn't need to because I'd never cheat. I have no desire to break my marriage up and end up with one of the many insecure women posting on these boards.

You don't have three small kids, do you?

Not PP.

But why does this matter?

Every adult should have time for themselves. Kids or not. The other partner should have no problem with this unless it is excessive. One night a week, IMO, is not excessive. The partner should also get her one night a week out with her friends.

Because you have no clue how tough it is with three young kids. It is all hands on deck. One night a week with three young kids is excessive, especially when DH hasn't even told OP how he is spending that time. Don't you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad that I married the woman I did. she gives me my space and trusts me And doesn't get bent out of shape when I go to happy hour and she doesn't need to because I'd never cheat. I have no desire to break my marriage up and end up with one of the many insecure women posting on these boards.

You don't have three small kids, do you?

Not PP.

But why does this matter?

Every adult should have time for themselves. Kids or not. The other partner should have no problem with this unless it is excessive. One night a week, IMO, is not excessive. The partner should also get her one night a week out with her friends.

Because you have no clue how tough it is with three young kids. It is all hands on deck. One night a week with three young kids is excessive, especially when DH hasn't even told OP how he is spending that time. Don't you get it?

Don't I get it? Why don't you tell me what I get.

Since you already said "You have no clue how tough it is with three young kids"....you know a lot about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad that I married the woman I did. she gives me my space and trusts me And doesn't get bent out of shape when I go to happy hour and she doesn't need to because I'd never cheat. I have no desire to break my marriage up and end up with one of the many insecure women posting on these boards.

You don't have three small kids, do you?

Most adults can handle 3 small kids for one night when the other spouse is away. Please don't insult single parents, military parents, and parents with traveling spouses.

You sound like a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad that I married the woman I did. she gives me my space and trusts me And doesn't get bent out of shape when I go to happy hour and she doesn't need to because I'd never cheat. I have no desire to break my marriage up and end up with one of the many insecure women posting on these boards.

You don't have three small kids, do you?

Most adults can handle 3 small kids for one night when the other spouse is away. Please don't insult single parents, military parents, and parents with traveling spouses.

You sound like a martyr.

You sound like an idiot who can't differentiate expectations when you have a spouse who is drinking all night with his buddies vs fighting in Afghanistan.

[Anonymous]

I’m the father of 3 kids (ages 2, 4, and 6). DW and I both work full time and she travels out of town for 2 days every 2 weeks. Trust me, it’s not a vacation for me when she’s away but it’s not torture either. I’ve always been very involved with the parenting and when she’s gone, everything’s fine. It’s not like we need all hands on deck 24/7. We also make sure that we both have nights out with our friends. Why would anyone stop doing that? We only have a babysitter when we both go out. It’s all good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the father of 3 kids (ages 2, 4, and 6). DW and I both work full time and she travels out of town for 2 days every 2 weeks. Trust me, it’s not a vacation for me when she’s away but it’s not torture either. I’ve always been very involved with the parenting and when she’s gone, everything’s fine. It’s not like we need all hands on deck 24/7. We also make sure that we both have nights out with our friends. Why would anyone stop doing that? We only have a babysitter when we both go out. It’s all good.

I bet you'd be singing a different tune if she regularly went out of town for fun, left you with the kids, and neglected to tell you about the purpose of all those trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even though it looks innocent on the part of your husband, the resulting impact of being lied to for you will feel very similar as if he actually did have an affair. It sucks because he probably won't get that and he didn't have an affair.

I agree with the PP who wondered how he could go to a bar every week for 8 mos without OP noticing. Unlike OP, my olfactory nerves are working, and I smell troll.

OP here. Funny thing is my phone died just after I posted by he first response. I figured it was for the best BC there was no way I was finding my charger at that point in the night.

I actually told him that I'd like to have time to go out myself, uncannily similar to the first response when I check on this thread in the morning. He was receptive although grumpy about it. I think it will make a lot of difference.

To those who don't understand, it is definitely a situation that won't make sense to everyone, but I have been really heartened to see the responses that understand my point of view.

To those who wondered how I didn't know he was drinking, I did. He would say, we are grabbing a drink after class, and i was totally supportive. I went to a masters program and know well the networking and idea exchange that happens. So I assumed it was one or two drinks. To me, you simply dont need more than three hours to go out for a drink with your class, and if you want to spend more time than that away from your family, you absolutely do need to both inform and get the buy-in of your spouse.. It was significantly more time than that. There is also the issue of the budget. We are on a super tight budget.

Anyway. Thanks everyone for the responses. Hopefully in time this will all be something we work out.

I am not understanding. You knew he was out drinking, so what is the issue? Are you trying to say that for 8 months, you had no idea what time his class started or ended and he would be at the bar for 8 hours? How would you not know his schedule for 8 months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the father of 3 kids (ages 2, 4, and 6). DW and I both work full time and she travels out of town for 2 days every 2 weeks. Trust me, it’s not a vacation for me when she’s away but it’s not torture either. I’ve always been very involved with the parenting and when she’s gone, everything’s fine. It’s not like we need all hands on deck 24/7. We also make sure that we both have nights out with our friends. Why would anyone stop doing that? We only have a babysitter when we both go out. It’s all good.

I bet you'd be singing a different tune if she regularly went out of town for fun, left you with the kids, and neglected to tell you about the purpose of all those trips.

That's not even close to what OP is describing...but nice try!