on a romantic weekend... not going well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I understand exactly what was happening.

In a graduate program, a lot of networking and even exchange of information/ideas/class stuff occurs grabbing a coffee/beer after class. It would be awkward and limiting for your husband to immediately excuse himself and come straight home while the other seminar students (female or not) went out to discuss ideas and form outline groups.

I don't know why he would need your permission or understanding about this. It's part of grad school life. On the other hand, if he's just hanging out at The Big Hunt and drinking shots, that's another matter.

Come on. He's not a single guy in grad school. He's got a wife and 3 kids at home. He's hanging out at a bar. They're not having a study group at the library after class. And he's left this detail out for 8 months. THAT'S the biggest issue for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should say that the inequality of it still bothers you and that you feel like you need some corresponding me time, and now you get to go out with your friends once a week for eight months while he sits at home and takes care of the kids.

This is the obvious solution. How he responds will give you an idea if he's selfish or just thoughtless.

[Anonymous]

P.s. The women are a complete red herring. If you go on about that you'll just sound like a jealous bitch. The time is the real legit issue.

[Anonymous]

I would be pissed. There also seems to be no reason to lie except for (1) there is something shady going on with another one of the drinkers, or (2) he wanted to take advantage of your "babysitting" without reciprocating. The second path seems like such an easy alternative - "hey honey, I'd like to do a regular night out Weds, when would you like some time off?" that a really see no reason why DH wouldn't do it except for the fact that he's an ass.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean he was "out drinking"? How was he out drinking once a week for 8 months straight and you never caught on? The smell on his breath, alone, should have clued you in.

It sounds as though he was more likely grabbing a beer (or two) with this little group and talking over ideas with them. They could have done the same thing in a library but they chose to relax a little in a bar. I personally see nothing wrong with that. But I agree that if you two were talking to each other at all during those 8 months it is surprising (and bothersome) that he never mentioned this to you. At the same time, I think it's wrong for you to characterize it as him being "out drinking". That just makes it sound like he was out partying which most likely is not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have every right to be deeply bothered.

-he misled you about where he was and what he was doing
-it sounds like he spent time with a mixed group, a group that had young, pretty, unattached women who were out drinking with him, which has you a little threatened since it was done under a lie, not out in the open.
-while he was doing that, you, in contrast, were working, holding down the fort, not out drinking with attractive men, but fulfilling your role as wife and mother at home, while he implied he was doing the same going to school.
-this happened over a fairly long period of time.

The result of being treated in this way is that now you feel much less than special, you feel taken advantage of, you're questioning what your spouse is all about since he made clearly self serving decisions at your expense, and being misled over a long period of time abused your trust.

This isn't a one time "I'm sorry and it's over." PP was right on the money that this requires some major repair.

Give yourself a break and let him know that this made you feel uncared for in major ways and it's impacting you. Try not to be angry, try to focus on how this made you feel.

Even though it looks innocent on the part of your husband, the resulting impact of being lied to for you will feel very similar as if he actually did have an affair. It sucks because he probably won't get that and he didn't have an affair.

I could see this as much less serious if this happened once in a while, I don't mention everything to my husband, nor he to me. the deliberate planning of this over a long time makes this different.

Does that make sense?

This poster really nails it. Maybe you can basically read him this post. I'm really sorry - you deserve to be treated more forthrightly . . . I would be really mad, also.

[Anonymous]

You know, he's out with young attractive single alternatives, who aren't cranky because they've been up all night with the sick baby, and he's never had to smell their shit. He's out drinking, which lowers judgment, and he's lying about it, or being seriously misleading.

It also specifically excluded the spouse. It would have been different if one in a while he offered; "we are all meeting at Moe's bar. Let's get a sitter, and come join us out for a drink. I'd like you to meet some of the people in the program."

It would be super human not to feel a little insecure about that set up, no matter how much you trust your spouse.

[Anonymous]

How could her husband come home once a week - buzzed and smelling like alcohol and the Op never once in eight months noticed this?

[Anonymous]

7:42 is right, that really sums it up. I would feel like I just got slapped in the face. Its the lying about it that is the worst

How did you find out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even though it looks innocent on the part of your husband, the resulting impact of being lied to for you will feel very similar as if he actually did have an affair. It sucks because he probably won't get that and he didn't have an affair.

I agree with the PP who wondered how he could go to a bar every week for 8 mos without OP noticing. Unlike OP, my olfactory nerves are working, and I smell troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I understand exactly what was happening.

In a graduate program, a lot of networking and even exchange of information/ideas/class stuff occurs grabbing a coffee/beer after class. It would be awkward and limiting for your husband to immediately excuse himself and come straight home while the other seminar students (female or not) went out to discuss ideas and form outline groups.

I don't know why he would need your permission or understanding about this. It's part of grad school life. On the other hand, if he's just hanging out at The Big Hunt and drinking shots, that's another matter.

Come on. He's not a single guy in grad school. He's got a wife and 3 kids at home. He's hanging out at a bar. They're not having a study group at the library after class. And he's left this detail out for 8 months. THAT'S the biggest issue for OP.

Sorry disagree. I don't drink and went to bars after class when I was in law school because otherwise you can't get into good study groups.

[Anonymous]

I'm new to message boards: what does this mean?

Quote: I agree with the PP who wondered how he could go to a bar every week for 8 mos without OP noticing. Unlike OP, my olfactory nerves are working, and I smell troll."

[Anonymous]

He was wrong for lying. That said, I wonder if he didn't tell you because he knew you're not the type of person who would be receptive to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I understand exactly what was happening.

In a graduate program, a lot of networking and even exchange of information/ideas/class stuff occurs grabbing a coffee/beer after class. It would be awkward and limiting for your husband to immediately excuse himself and come straight home while the other seminar students (female or not) went out to discuss ideas and form outline groups.

I don't know why he would need your permission or understanding about this. It's part of grad school life. On the other hand, if he's just hanging out at The Big Hunt and drinking shots, that's another matter.

He is not "networking".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even though it looks innocent on the part of your husband, the resulting impact of being lied to for you will feel very similar as if he actually did have an affair. It sucks because he probably won't get that and he didn't have an affair.

I agree with the PP who wondered how he could go to a bar every week for 8 mos without OP noticing. Unlike OP, my olfactory nerves are working, and I smell troll.

OP here. Funny thing is my phone died just after I posted by he first response. I figured it was for the best BC there was no way I was finding my charger at that point in the night.

I actually told him that I'd like to have time to go out myself, uncannily similar to the first response when I check on this thread in the morning. He was receptive although grumpy about it. I think it will make a lot of difference.

To those who don't understand, it is definitely a situation that won't make sense to everyone, but I have been really heartened to see the responses that understand my point of view.

To those who wondered how I didn't know he was drinking, I did. He would say, we are grabbing a drink after class, and i was totally supportive. I went to a masters program and know well the networking and idea exchange that happens. So I assumed it was one or two drinks. To me, you simply dont need more than three hours to go out for a drink with your class, and if you want to spend more time than that away from your family, you absolutely do need to both inform and get the buy-in of your spouse.. It was significantly more time than that. There is also the issue of the budget. We are on a super tight budget.

Anyway. Thanks everyone for the responses. Hopefully in time this will all be something we work out.