on a romantic weekend... not going well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a household income of $270k per year and you're on a "super tight budget?" Also, even without a wife and kids, I don't know how you can hold down a $150k/year job, go to grad school, and still have a block of time where you can spend half a day drinking each week.

Haha massive student loans for both of us, a recent mortgage ( not a great deal) and school costs for kids.

(So what is the expected return on investment for the grad school? Going 90k in debt for maybe a 10-20k raise for your husband might end up being a wash.)

I think your legitimate beef is that he gets "grown up on his own time" before you both get "grown up couple time" or you get "grown up on your own time." I mean, hell, even if he just unilaterally went out from 3pm to 10pm every Tuesday reading the newspaper at Starbucks, it'd be the same dynamic.

He probably paints it as "necessary bonding and studying time, almost like work," and there may be some truth to it, but it IS a huge chunk of time where he gets to be kid-free and you're stuck as being the default babysitter (and I suspect he'd complain if you tried to hire a sitter for the nights he is out being Mr. Grad Student about Town.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was wrong for lying. That said, I wonder if he didn't tell you because he knew you're not the type of person who would be receptive to it.

That's still self serving. The message is: husband hides behavior to avoid input from wife because possibly she's not "receptive." Instead of acting like adults discussing possible different points of view, he sneaks around because she can't handle it. Really? He's in graduate school? That makes him sound like a teenager. It's the opposite of being an adult and taking responsibility for your choices, character, and actions. And it blames the spouse for his lies.

+1000
This is not her fault. This is on him, and not being a partner and getting a buy in from his spouse for going out once a week. If he's "scared" of talking to her, then he needs to man-up and have THAT conversation and maybe get some counseling to improve their communication. He sounds like an immature baby-man who doesn't feel like dealing with his grown up life.

[Anonymous]

He was lying...which is wrong. He lied because he knew his wife would not be happy about going out once a week....which is wrong on both their parts.

Hopefully he didn't cheat. Because this problem is easily resolved by better communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I should also mention that I am attractive and love having sex. I love cooking for him, and I keep a clean house. I am well respected iny field and earn just under him, about 120 k to his 150k. I can be forgetful and disorganized about pur personal life ( last minute birthday presents kind of thing) but I always pull through and with good spirit. I think I am a good catch. I am spirited and love to have fun. My friendships are long, many friends over known for over a two decades, and very jovial.

Sounds like you are comparing yourself to his classmates. As if you're more worthy of his time. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

OP, just get a babysitter for one night and go hang out with them. You'll see that it is all innocent and that's what people tend to do in graduate programs. It's part of the networking. What did you think was going to happen?

[Anonymous]

Eek, 6-8 hours?? Are you sure he's not cheating? Not to put that bee in your bonnet, but I was thinking it was 2-3 hours after class. WTF is he doing for 6-8 hours? Completely unacceptable, and suspicious. Enjoy your nights out with the girls, he has no right to be grumpy about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I'd be mad too if my husand got a chance to regularly socialize kid free and I didn't. When I could have used help at home.

I worry about your description of yourself though, like you are trying to prove you are worthy of fidelity. Or are you just putting it out there for context? Because if you doubt your worth, I'd try to get tithe bottom of that, too.

And I'd tell him he should have been up front from the get go, and it's hurtful that he was t. My husband goes to office parties but I hear about it that day. I don't think twice about it.

I was just putting I out there for context. In the sense that I haven't let myself go to hell, and I work hard for the well being of our romance. I try to keep it fresh and fun.

You're a mess if you think those are reasons for your DH to only socialize with you. He has a life too and sometimes it doesn't involve you...no matter how beautiful, sexy, and fun you are. Don't forget, he's hanging out with younger, single women (as you put it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I'd be mad too if my husand got a chance to regularly socialize kid free and I didn't. When I could have used help at home.

I worry about your description of yourself though, like you are trying to prove you are worthy of fidelity. Or are you just putting it out there for context? Because if you doubt your worth, I'd try to get tithe bottom of that, too.

And I'd tell him he should have been up front from the get go, and it's hurtful that he was t. My husband goes to office parties but I hear about it that day. I don't think twice about it.

I was just putting I out there for context. In the sense that I haven't let myself go to hell, and I work hard for the well being of our romance. I try to keep it fresh and fun.

You're a mess if you think those are reasons for your DH to only socialize with you. He has a life too and sometimes it doesn't involve you...no matter how beautiful, sexy, and fun you are. Don't forget, he's hanging out with younger, single women (as you put it).

Have you ever been married???? Sorry - once you are married you don't get to act like a free agent while your partner is home with the kids. He lied, and he's acting like a college kid. He's a married man and father. Of course he deserves to have some "me" time, as does she. But he doesn't get to to it behind her back. Super sketchy.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad that I married the woman I did. she gives me my space and trusts me And doesn't get bent out of shape when I go to happy hour and she doesn't need to because I'd never cheat. I have no desire to break my marriage up and end up with one of the many insecure women posting on these boards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad that I married the woman I did. she gives me my space and trusts me And doesn't get bent out of shape when I go to happy hour and she doesn't need to because I'd never cheat. I have no desire to break my marriage up and end up with one of the many insecure women posting on these boards.

Amen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad that I married the woman I did. she gives me my space and trusts me And doesn't get bent out of shape when I go to happy hour and she doesn't need to because I'd never cheat. I have no desire to break my marriage up and end up with one of the many insecure women posting on these boards.

She's not talking about staying out late once in a while. She's speaking about being deliberately misled for a long time. Since your wife is secure, it sounds like you wouldn't pull crap like that. It's the lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad that I married the woman I did. she gives me my space and trusts me And doesn't get bent out of shape when I go to happy hour and she doesn't need to because I'd never cheat. I have no desire to break my marriage up and end up with one of the many insecure women posting on these boards.

She's not talking about staying out late once in a while. She's speaking about being deliberately misled for a long time. Since your wife is secure, it sounds like you wouldn't pull crap like that. It's the lying.

It is the insecurity and the lying.

They are both at fault here.

Easy fix. Could be much, much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad that I married the woman I did. she gives me my space and trusts me And doesn't get bent out of shape when I go to happy hour and she doesn't need to because I'd never cheat. I have no desire to break my marriage up and end up with one of the many insecure women posting on these boards.

She's not talking about staying out late once in a while. She's speaking about being deliberately misled for a long time. Since your wife is secure, it sounds like you wouldn't pull crap like that. It's the lying.

It is the insecurity and the lying.

They are both at fault here.

Easy fix. Could be much, much worse.

NO. She's done nothing wrong. He's been neither at work or home for 6-8hrs on a weeknight for the past several months while she was at home with 3 small children. He purposely misled her by withholding that he was out drinking and socializing. And for fun, let's pretend she is insecure. That's not a "fault." She hasn't done anything faulty.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound very high maintenance and jealous. Something tells me that after your romantic weekend, he will need to get away from you even more. He probably didn't tell you upfront because he knew your reaction...which is very selfish on your part because every parent needs some "me time" even when you have 3 kids. I suggest that you find some friends of your own and hang out with them...and no, it doesn't have to include single men so you can get back at him.

Also, your looks, sexiness, etc. have nothing to do with this so I don't know why you chose to mention it after your first post.

[Anonymous]

OP, what happens if his graduate degree leads him to a job where he has to travel? Deal breaker?