on a romantic weekend... not going well

[Anonymous]

Found out DH has been spending significant extracurricular time with a bunch of younger, unmarried females (and a few guys) who are in a nighttime masters program. We have three young children, and I work full time, and thought I was being supportive of his efforts to support our family better.

Turns out he was out drinking for one night a week for about eight months.

I am not averse to socializing. I don't understand the amount of time he spent away, except as an escape from responsibility.

He initially saw nothing wrong with it. He has since apologized, but I am still feeling a degree of betrayal. He tells me nothing happened but its just tough to feel the same way I did going into this program.

We are on a romatic weekend away, and my feelings are coming out rather than being able to enjoy the time together. O don't want to be around him...

Any advice for how to get over it and enjoy this time away?

Struggling.

[Anonymous]

I should also mention that I am attractive and love having sex. I love cooking for him, and I keep a clean house. I am well respected iny field and earn just under him, about 120 k to his 150k. I can be forgetful and disorganized about pur personal life ( last minute birthday presents kind of thing) but I always pull through and with good spirit. I think I am a good catch. I am spirited and love to have fun. My friendships are long, many friends over known for over a two decades, and very jovial.

[Anonymous]

So, to recap, once a week he's going out with some of the people in his masters program?

Sorry, but unless he was having sex with them I don't see what the problem is. My husband and I each go out without each other once a week regularly.

[Anonymous]

Unless he was engaging in weekly orgies with this group I don't understand why you're so bent out of shape. Unclench OP!!

[Anonymous]

Op here. The problem was he omitted the fact he was socializing ... I don't have a problem with the partying, i have a problem with the fact he casually omitted what he was doing for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The problem was he omitted the fact he was socializing ... I don't have a problem with the partying, i have a problem with the fact he casually omitted what he was doing for so long.

Yeah. The lying would bother me.

[Anonymous]

Do the pp's have three young children? It is a lot of work. If op is working fill time and he husband is gone mist nights for school, damn straight I would be pissed if I found out one of them was pure socializing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The problem was he omitted the fact he was socializing ... I don't have a problem with the partying, i have a problem with the fact he casually omitted what he was doing for so long.

Yeah. The lying would bother me.

Me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the pp's have three young children? It is a lot of work. If op is working fill time and he husband is gone mist nights for school, damn straight I would be pissed if I found out one of them was pure socializing.

Yes, I have two children who are 1 and 3, and I'm the "so, to recap..." pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the pp's have three young children? It is a lot of work. If op is working fill time and he husband is gone mist nights for school, damn straight I would be pissed if I found out one of them was pure socializing.

Yes, I have two children who are 1 and 3, and I'm the "so, to recap..." pp.

That is so nice that your husband gives you independant social time

[Anonymous]

I think you should say that the inequality of it still bothers you and that you feel like you need some corresponding me time, and now you get to go out with your friends once a week for eight months while he sits at home and takes care of the kids.

[Anonymous]

You're away on a romantic weekend and you need him to make this right. You just found he's been lying to you, and you don't feel especially close to your spouse right now. And that puts you in this awkward position of feeling like the bitch who ruined the romantic weekend.

Is that it? If so, just stop. HE did the lying. You are entitled to your feeling betrayed. Yes, he apologized. That's great. But trust was broken. An apology doesn't rebuild trust. Time and good behavior do. It just so happens that there hasn't been enough time and good behavior before this "romantic" weekend.

You have permission to let him know that you're still really hurt. You don't have to apologize for that or put on the happy face. Go for a walk with him. Read a book. Hang out. There's no rule that this has to be a weekend of hot, non-stop sex. You just need some space and time.

[Anonymous]

You have every right to be deeply bothered.

-he misled you about where he was and what he was doing
-it sounds like he spent time with a mixed group, a group that had young, pretty, unattached women who were out drinking with him, which has you a little threatened since it was done under a lie, not out in the open.
-while he was doing that, you, in contrast, were working, holding down the fort, not out drinking with attractive men, but fulfilling your role as wife and mother at home, while he implied he was doing the same going to school.
-this happened over a fairly long period of time.

The result of being treated in this way is that now you feel much less than special, you feel taken advantage of, you're questioning what your spouse is all about since he made clearly self serving decisions at your expense, and being misled over a long period of time abused your trust.

This isn't a one time "I'm sorry and it's over." PP was right on the money that this requires some major repair.

Give yourself a break and let him know that this made you feel uncared for in major ways and it's impacting you. Try not to be angry, try to focus on how this made you feel.

Even though it looks innocent on the part of your husband, the resulting impact of being lied to for you will feel very similar as if he actually did have an affair. It sucks because he probably won't get that and he didn't have an affair.

I could see this as much less serious if this happened once in a while, I don't mention everything to my husband, nor he to me. the deliberate planning of this over a long time makes this different.

Does that make sense?

[Anonymous]

Yeah I'd be mad too if my husand got a chance to regularly socialize kid free and I didn't. When I could have used help at home.

I worry about your description of yourself though, like you are trying to prove you are worthy of fidelity. Or are you just putting it out there for context? Because if you doubt your worth, I'd try to get tithe bottom of that, too.

And I'd tell him he should have been up front from the get go, and it's hurtful that he was t. My husband goes to office parties but I hear about it that day. I don't think twice about it.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I understand exactly what was happening.

In a graduate program, a lot of networking and even exchange of information/ideas/class stuff occurs grabbing a coffee/beer after class. It would be awkward and limiting for your husband to immediately excuse himself and come straight home while the other seminar students (female or not) went out to discuss ideas and form outline groups.

I don't know why he would need your permission or understanding about this. It's part of grad school life. On the other hand, if he's just hanging out at The Big Hunt and drinking shots, that's another matter.