I feel bad that my child is not gifted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wasn't staying home to make my kids smarter -- but in my particular fantasy, I apparently wanted to be staying home with someone else's kids, probably the Tiger Mom's. It's more fun to do Suzuki violin if your kid learns fast and plays well. It's more fun to do kiddie sports if your kid is good and wins trophies - as opposed to having a kid that warms the bench and who nobody wants on their team. It's more fun to do Kumon with a kid who loves worksheets and learning and math! It's more fun to take a kid to chess club if occasionally they win.

And yes, I know, someone else is taking a child to speech therapy or physical therapy or something else -- and you should just be glad they're healthy. But I think it's human nature to think that if you're going to pay for music lessons, it would be nice if the child learned quickly to play well. Heck, it's nice when you pay money for nice groceries and the kids actually eat the food rather than whining about it and complaining.

I think that maybe what the OP is struggling with is that parenting isn't always all that rewarding, but that having a kid who is really good at something is a sort of reward. And if you were the kind of person who was good at their professional job, who got promoted and paid well, etc. it's hard not to feel like you've failed when you stay home and it doesn't appear to be making a difference. I know that for me it was hard to watch my husband advance in his career when I had apparently ended mine, and it was hard to not feel like having a kid advance would be a good substitute.

Damn, I don't agree with a single thing you just said. I'm a pretty high achieving Ivy League educated professional and I just like being around my VERY average kid as long as he ends up happy. Isn't that what it's all about?

Amen. I stayed home with my first DD for two years. I couldn't have cared less if she were average. What was important to me was us spending time together and her being happy. I never once thought my time was wasted if she wasn't achieving to my level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I figured that out eventually, but it took me a long time. I don't think everybody immediately thinks that way. Haven't you noticed that at the kindergarten orientation they ask "are there any questions?" and everybody stands up and asks about the gifted program? Most people assume that their kids are going to be brilliant and special. It can be an adjustment. Ultimately, most of us arrive at the point where we definitely can't imagine having any kids other than the ones that we have, but I think that a bit of disappointment is normal. You're mourning whatever weird fantasy you had about parenting -- probably ever since you were little. (I always assumed my kid was going to be the next Mozart. He's not!)

That's a YOU problem. I really can't relate.

NP. I find it hard to believe you can't relate to having to let go of some preconceived notion you had about how the future would be. I applaud the PP for being so self-reflective and open about how she overcame her attachment to an idea about how her kid should be.

[Anonymous]

I get what OP is saying and I kind of agree. I busted my a$$ to accomplish certain things in life, which gives me kids advantages, and they damn well are not going to do whatever they want because it "makes them happy." I don't care if they're not brilliant -- I am not either; then they're going to work freaking hard to be at the top of their class bc it will not be acceptable in my home to be middle of the pack and they won't be told "oh we love you anyway because you are so special." Yes I'm Asian.

OP -- 2 thoughts:
(1) Why not go Tiger Mom on them. It does work -- it has worked for generations of Chinese/Korean/Indian fams.
(2) Do you really think that getting into an Ivy is about being gifted? I have 2 Ivy degrees and am no where near gifted. For many it's about killing themselves to be at the top of their class and have the right resume; I think it's the rare kids that strolls into HYP bc he is so gifted that he just cured some disease while taking 27 APs and getting straight As. Point is -- put that fierce work ethic into your kid now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get what OP is saying and I kind of agree. I busted my a$$ to accomplish certain things in life, which gives me kids advantages, and they damn well are not going to do whatever they want because it "makes them happy." I don't care if they're not brilliant -- I am not either; then they're going to work freaking hard to be at the top of their class bc it will not be acceptable in my home to be middle of the pack and they won't be told "oh we love you anyway because you are so special." Yes I'm Asian.

OP -- 2 thoughts:
(1) Why not go Tiger Mom on them. It does work -- it has worked for generations of Chinese/Korean/Indian fams.
(2) Do you really think that getting into an Ivy is about being gifted? I have 2 Ivy degrees and am no where near gifted. For many it's about killing themselves to be at the top of their class and have the right resume; I think it's the rare kids that strolls into HYP bc he is so gifted that he just cured some disease while taking 27 APs and getting straight As. Point is -- put that fierce work ethic into your kid now.

PP, how does the tiger mom thing work when your kid has an LD (or 2)? Serious question. My kid has LDs and works her ass off to get "average" grades. I've always wondered what would have happened if she had a tiger mom.

And OP, I could have written your post a few years ago. Turned out that my child is actually bright (not gifted) but has LDs. Be careful what you think now, because you might have a very rude awakening in a few years and "average" will look pretty good to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get what OP is saying and I kind of agree. I busted my a$$ to accomplish certain things in life, which gives me kids advantages, and they damn well are not going to do whatever they want because it "makes them happy." I don't care if they're not brilliant -- I am not either; then they're going to work freaking hard to be at the top of their class bc it will not be acceptable in my home to be middle of the pack and they won't be told "oh we love you anyway because you are so special." Yes I'm Asian.

OP -- 2 thoughts:
(1) Why not go Tiger Mom on them. It does work -- it has worked for generations of Chinese/Korean/Indian fams.
(2) Do you really think that getting into an Ivy is about being gifted? I have 2 Ivy degrees and am no where near gifted. For many it's about killing themselves to be at the top of their class and have the right resume; I think it's the rare kids that strolls into HYP bc he is so gifted that he just cured some disease while taking 27 APs and getting straight As. Point is -- put that fierce work ethic into your kid now.

I quite honestly fear for your children's future mental health.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't read until a couple of months before I turned seven. I'm freaking brilliant. My friend's kid can barely understand the concept of fractions, let alone do math with them, yet she can choreograph a dance and teach it to four kids all within an hour.

The reality OP, is:
1. You can't use the fact that your kid can't read to decide he's average.
2. The world needs average people. Not everyone can be a superstar (if they were, it'd make everyone NOT a superstar since all superstars would then be average). Someone's got to be the camera guy, the nurse's aide, the teacher's aide, the financial aide officer, the ballet teacher, the gym teacher, the building manager, the clothing store manager, etc. There's space in this world for everyone.

[Anonymous]

My son is still learning to read and is almost 7, but he has improved alot recently. Several people in our family have advanced degrees. My dad's mother was told by his kindergarten teacher he would amount to nothing and he has a PhD. Rome was not built in a day.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe I read this entire grisly thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe I read this entire grisly thread.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is still learning to read and is almost 7, but he has improved alot recently. Several people in our family have advanced degrees. My dad's mother was told by his kindergarten teacher he would amount to nothing and he has a PhD. Rome was not built in a day.

What is it with teachers who tell this to student/parents? One of my good friend's parents were told this -- in the late 80s/early 90s as my friend is about 35. Friend did just fine for himself -- went to Wharton, worked at Goldman Sachs for a while, and then transitioned to mortgage banking, so arguably amounting to nothing in his case meant going to a top b-school, top investment bank, and getting involved in the sector of the economy which has been one of the most influential in the last 6-7 yrs.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Early math skills are better predictor of later academic achievement than reading. http://cepa.stanford.edu/content/math-matters-even-little-kids
Other then that, work with what you have - help your child develop strong sides, and provide extra support when in the areas of difficulty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get what OP is saying and I kind of agree. I busted my a$$ to accomplish certain things in life, which gives me kids advantages, and they damn well are not going to do whatever they want because it "makes them happy." I don't care if they're not brilliant -- I am not either; then they're going to work freaking hard to be at the top of their class bc it will not be acceptable in my home to be middle of the pack and they won't be told "oh we love you anyway because you are so special." Yes I'm Asian.

OP -- 2 thoughts:
(1) Why not go Tiger Mom on them. It does work -- it has worked for generations of Chinese/Korean/Indian fams.
(2) Do you really think that getting into an Ivy is about being gifted? I have 2 Ivy degrees and am no where near gifted. For many it's about killing themselves to be at the top of their class and have the right resume; I think it's the rare kids that strolls into HYP bc he is so gifted that he just cured some disease while taking 27 APs and getting straight As. Point is -- put that fierce work ethic into your kid now.

PP, how does the tiger mom thing work when your kid has an LD (or 2)? Serious question. My kid has LDs and works her ass off to get "average" grades. I've always wondered what would have happened if she had a tiger mom.

And OP, I could have written your post a few years ago. Turned out that my child is actually bright (not gifted) but has LDs. Be careful what you think now, because you might have a very rude awakening in a few years and "average" will look pretty good to you.

I'm the PP you quoted. I obviously did not mean that for kids who have issues. That being said I also think that lots of issues are over diagnosed in the U.S. How come you don't hear of every 2nd kid in Asia (and I don't mean the ones living in slums -- I mean the ones going to private schools) having ADHD and needing special accommodation for that? I'm sure they have the same LDs all over the world, but in certain parts of the world, kids are told -- that's how the ball rolls, you have to work 10x harder than your classmates -- and the kids are raised to rise to that occasion. I was raised to believe that I have to work 2x as hard as any white person to compensate for the fact that I'm brown -- guess what, it's true. On objective tests of course it doesn't matter. But in the workplace -- it does; people will only give you the promotions you deserve if you are far far superior to your competition.

[Anonymous]

Wow my 3 year old can read, feeling bad for you OP. Best of luck in the future with DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get what OP is saying and I kind of agree. I busted my a$$ to accomplish certain things in life, which gives me kids advantages, and they damn well are not going to do whatever they want because it "makes them happy." I don't care if they're not brilliant -- I am not either; then they're going to work freaking hard to be at the top of their class bc it will not be acceptable in my home to be middle of the pack and they won't be told "oh we love you anyway because you are so special." Yes I'm Asian.

OP -- 2 thoughts:
(1) Why not go Tiger Mom on them. It does work -- it has worked for generations of Chinese/Korean/Indian fams.
(2) Do you really think that getting into an Ivy is about being gifted? I have 2 Ivy degrees and am no where near gifted. For many it's about killing themselves to be at the top of their class and have the right resume; I think it's the rare kids that strolls into HYP bc he is so gifted that he just cured some disease while taking 27 APs and getting straight As. Point is -- put that fierce work ethic into your kid now.

I quite honestly fear for your children's future mental health.

Generations of my family have been raised this way. No breakdowns yet, but thanks for your concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get what OP is saying and I kind of agree. I busted my a$$ to accomplish certain things in life, which gives me kids advantages, and they damn well are not going to do whatever they want because it "makes them happy." I don't care if they're not brilliant -- I am not either; then they're going to work freaking hard to be at the top of their class bc it will not be acceptable in my home to be middle of the pack and they won't be told "oh we love you anyway because you are so special." Yes I'm Asian.

OP -- 2 thoughts:
(1) Why not go Tiger Mom on them. It does work -- it has worked for generations of Chinese/Korean/Indian fams.
(2) Do you really think that getting into an Ivy is about being gifted? I have 2 Ivy degrees and am no where near gifted. For many it's about killing themselves to be at the top of their class and have the right resume; I think it's the rare kids that strolls into HYP bc he is so gifted that he just cured some disease while taking 27 APs and getting straight As. Point is -- put that fierce work ethic into your kid now.

Hahahahahaha!