I feel bad that my child is not gifted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I figured that out eventually, but it took me a long time. I don't think everybody immediately thinks that way. Haven't you noticed that at the kindergarten orientation they ask "are there any questions?" and everybody stands up and asks about the gifted program? Most people assume that their kids are going to be brilliant and special. It can be an adjustment. Ultimately, most of us arrive at the point where we definitely can't imagine having any kids other than the ones that we have, but I think that a bit of disappointment is normal. You're mourning whatever weird fantasy you had about parenting -- probably ever since you were little. (I always assumed my kid was going to be the next Mozart. He's not!)

That's a YOU problem. I really can't relate.

NP here. I would bet every dime I have that you in fact can relate. You wouldn't be nearly so smug if something in PP's post didn't ring true for you. Nobody is so lacking in insight as you try to sound. Sorry, I don't buy it. Props to original PP for being a smart, thoughtful, reflective person and probably a great mom.

[Anonymous]

OMG, is there anyone on this thread who DID NOT go to an Ivy?

[Anonymous]

I get what you are saying, op. No words of wisdom. I am chiming in because it bugs me when people respond to this sort of post with advice like "you just need to figure out what your child's gift is" or "every child is gifted in some way." That is BS. Some kids/people are not gifted at anything! Sure, we all have strengths and weaknesses, but that is a far cry from being "gifted" at anything. It does not help someone who posts these thoughts to respond that she should just give it time, her kid will be gifted at something. I am sure that OP's kid is awesome, but he may not have any "special gifts." I certainly don't - I did well in school, but was not valedictorian - played on sports teams, but was not a star - went to a good college, but not an ivy - and now i am a partner at a law firm, but not an exceptional career by any means. Honestly, so far my kids (middle school aged) are similar - smart but not geniuses, sporty but not stars of the teams, etc. It is hard to accept that because often we equate being gifted with success, but I am just so glad my kids are happy and healthy and I hope they stay that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an Ivy league graduate as well - do you really think it means squat now that you have your BA/BS from an Ivy? Were all your classmates at your university brilliant - mine sure as hell weren't. Lots of miserable, socially awkward stressed out kids. We're not talking Cornell here or Penn - I graduated from Harvard. Being "smart" (what ever the fuck that means) has never brought me one second of happiness.

Get your priorities straight, OP, and stop thinking you accomplished anything special from graduating from an "Ivy".

Ehy were they miserable, awkward, stressed from being at the ivy school or their up bringing,

[Anonymous]

Attending an Ivy League does not = gifted

[Anonymous]

Scientific American has an article this month by Carol Dweck on how to help kids learn. An earlier PP has already mentioned Dweck and cultivating a growth mindset vs. a fixed mindset in students:
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-secret-to-raising-smart-kids1/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Scientific American has an article this month by Carol Dweck on how to help kids learn. An earlier PP has already mentioned Dweck and cultivating a growth mindset vs. a fixed mindset in students:
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-secret-to-raising-smart-kids1/

And OP, hope you will apply the insights from the article to your own thinking, which shows characteristics of the failure fearing fixed mindset. You don't want that for your kids or yourself and they look to you to role model good skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get what OP is saying and I kind of agree. I busted my a$$ to accomplish certain things in life, which gives me kids advantages, and they damn well are not going to do whatever they want because it "makes them happy." I don't care if they're not brilliant -- I am not either; then they're going to work freaking hard to be at the top of their class bc it will not be acceptable in my home to be middle of the pack and they won't be told "oh we love you anyway because you are so special." Yes I'm Asian.

OP -- 2 thoughts:
(1) Why not go Tiger Mom on them. It does work -- it has worked for generations of Chinese/Korean/Indian fams.
(2) Do you really think that getting into an Ivy is about being gifted? I have 2 Ivy degrees and am no where near gifted. For many it's about killing themselves to be at the top of their class and have the right resume; I think it's the rare kids that strolls into HYP bc he is so gifted that he just cured some disease while taking 27 APs and getting straight As. Point is -- put that fierce work ethic into your kid now.

And that's why the cheaters in my college courses back in California were most often Asian. These kids are under so much pressure to bring home good grades, they don't care how they get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. We all have our moments when we lose perspective and struggle. But reading late does not necessarily mean your child is not intelligent.

I can think of several of my childhood peers who were considered slow and did not do well in school, yet are now successful in their field of work. It's a matter of finding the right field. You need to open your mind to non-academic possibilities for your child. Only if your mind is open will you be able to help your child find his path. Instead of laying awake worrying, make an effort to help your child develop his unique talents. That is the way forward.

OP here. DH is successful and earns close to 7 figures. I stayed home and now do some consulting work so that I could focus on the children. I just feel like such a failure. I have tried so hard to enrich him. I put so much effort into a balanced schedule of studying, sports, music, etc. We do play dates, educational outings, journals, have a million books and go to the library all the time. I don't think there is anything more I can do.

Op, maybe you need to stop trying so hard. Go out and have fun with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, is there anyone on this thread who DID NOT go to an Ivy?

Clearly show what is lacking in Ivy grads .. EQ.

[Anonymous]

I wasn't staying home to make my kids smarter -- but in my particular fantasy, I apparently wanted to be staying home with someone else's kids, probably the Tiger Mom's. It's more fun to do Suzuki violin if your kid learns fast and plays well. It's more fun to do kiddie sports if your kid is good and wins trophies - as opposed to having a kid that warms the bench and who nobody wants on their team. It's more fun to do Kumon with a kid who loves worksheets and learning and math! It's more fun to take a kid to chess club if occasionally they win.

And yes, I know, someone else is taking a child to speech therapy or physical therapy or something else -- and you should just be glad they're healthy. But I think it's human nature to think that if you're going to pay for music lessons, it would be nice if the child learned quickly to play well

Ugh, I totally disagree. I'm not going to pay for lessons for something my kid doesn't try at, but if he tries his best and is having fun, I'm happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get what OP is saying and I kind of agree. I busted my a$$ to accomplish certain things in life, which gives me kids advantages, and they damn well are not going to do whatever they want because it "makes them happy." I don't care if they're not brilliant -- I am not either; then they're going to work freaking hard to be at the top of their class bc it will not be acceptable in my home to be middle of the pack and they won't be told "oh we love you anyway because you are so special." Yes I'm Asian.

OP -- 2 thoughts:
(1) Why not go Tiger Mom on them. It does work -- it has worked for generations of Chinese/Korean/Indian fams.
(2) Do you really think that getting into an Ivy is about being gifted? I have 2 Ivy degrees and am no where near gifted. For many it's about killing themselves to be at the top of their class and have the right resume; I think it's the rare kids that strolls into HYP bc he is so gifted that he just cured some disease while taking 27 APs and getting straight As. Point is -- put that fierce work ethic into your kid now.

Since you are Asian I am sure you work for somebody and that somebody was middle of the pack. See how that works.

OP, look around at all the most successful and happy people... NOT Asian and NOT Ivy grads.

[Anonymous]

Put him out for adoptionand then try to have another kid who will speak in complete sentences at birth, write a sequel to War and Peace at 6 months. Real l y. Op. Love your child for who and what he is. I feel so sorry for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kindergarten son cannot yet read and he is almost 6yo. DH and I are ivy league educated and have always been at the top of our class. We have many friends with very bright children and I've come to realize my child is average. I know this is not the end of the world but I feel sad tonight. I love him so much and don't want him to know my disappointment.

Einstein didn't read until he was 7.

[Anonymous]

It wasn't fair to them or to me for me to expect their accomplishments to be my reward for sacrificing my career.

Amen to this.