I feel bad that my child is not gifted

[Anonymous]

My mom made me read the books my year older brother had to study for exams and explain them to him. I was rewarded with a raise in my allowance. Now I am a relatively successful bureaucrat and he is a multi millionaire business icon. He found his niche. Success comes in different shapes, different forms and at different stages. Your little man might be a slow starter but that does not dictate his life.

[Anonymous]

I completely empathize, OP. I remember feeling exactly the same way that you did after giving up my career to stay home with kids. It's hard not to expect that there will be a payoff. On some level, I could justify giving up my career to raise a genius, but if the kid was going to get C's, that to me seemed like a kind of half-assed "project" to spend my life on. Yes, I am shallow.

Ultimately, I went back to work and stopped putting all my ego and all my energy into my kids. It wasn't fair to them or to me for me to expect their accomplishments to be my reward for sacrificing my career. My kids are older now and they will all go to college, and will hopefully be self-supporting, and it all worked out -- but I remember casting around when they were six and seven and thinking, "There's so many parenting books out here but not a single one that really deals with the mom's emotions and this particular challenge."

Clearly the OP is not the only one who thinks this way or struggles with this. That was kind of the point of the Tiger Mom's book -- she was struggling with whether or not ultimately you are in control of your kid's accomplishments and whether or no you can engineer it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:troll

+1000

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you assume that your child should be gifted? I went to Harvard with a lot of very average intelligent people. They worked hard and had other "privileges" to rely on. your child is probably just average like his parents. I don't understand what you were expecting from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely empathize, OP. I remember feeling exactly the same way that you did after giving up my career to stay home with kids. It's hard not to expect that there will be a payoff. On some level, I could justify giving up my career to raise a genius, but if the kid was going to get C's, that to me seemed like a kind of half-assed "project" to spend my life on. Yes, I am shallow.

Ultimately, I went back to work and stopped putting all my ego and all my energy into my kids. It wasn't fair to them or to me for me to expect their accomplishments to be my reward for sacrificing my career. My kids are older now and they will all go to college, and will hopefully be self-supporting, and it all worked out -- but I remember casting around when they were six and seven and thinking, "There's so many parenting books out here but not a single one that really deals with the mom's emotions and this particular challenge."

Clearly the OP is not the only one who thinks this way or struggles with this. That was kind of the point of the Tiger Mom's book -- she was struggling with whether or not ultimately you are in control of your kid's accomplishments and whether or no you can engineer it.

Staying at home in hopes of making your kids smarter is not smart at all. Where did you get this idea from? I know a lot of wealthy kids who never see their parents and get into the most prestigious universities. Not my chosen path but just saying.

[Anonymous]

All it really proves is that you and your DH aren't as smart as you thought you were. In fact you sound like the weak link.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely empathize, OP. I remember feeling exactly the same way that you did after giving up my career to stay home with kids. It's hard not to expect that there will be a payoff. On some level, I could justify giving up my career to raise a genius, but if the kid was going to get C's, that to me seemed like a kind of half-assed "project" to spend my life on. Yes, I am shallow.

Ultimately, I went back to work and stopped putting all my ego and all my energy into my kids. It wasn't fair to them or to me for me to expect their accomplishments to be my reward for sacrificing my career. My kids are older now and they will all go to college, and will hopefully be self-supporting, and it all worked out -- but I remember casting around when they were six and seven and thinking, "There's so many parenting books out here but not a single one that really deals with the mom's emotions and this particular challenge."

Clearly the OP is not the only one who thinks this way or struggles with this. That was kind of the point of the Tiger Mom's book -- she was struggling with whether or not ultimately you are in control of your kid's accomplishments and whether or no you can engineer it.

Picking up on the ego theme, is that really it? Are you embarrassed for producing an average child? Does it reflect badly on you? I see a lot of bio parents refusing to acknowledge that their kids have special needs because they won't admit they could have produced such a child.

As adoptive parents, DH and I feel fortunate to be free of such thoughts. We accept our kid for who he is and just push forward, doing everything we can to help him.

[Anonymous]

I wasn't staying home to make my kids smarter -- but in my particular fantasy, I apparently wanted to be staying home with someone else's kids, probably the Tiger Mom's. It's more fun to do Suzuki violin if your kid learns fast and plays well. It's more fun to do kiddie sports if your kid is good and wins trophies - as opposed to having a kid that warms the bench and who nobody wants on their team. It's more fun to do Kumon with a kid who loves worksheets and learning and math! It's more fun to take a kid to chess club if occasionally they win.

And yes, I know, someone else is taking a child to speech therapy or physical therapy or something else -- and you should just be glad they're healthy. But I think it's human nature to think that if you're going to pay for music lessons, it would be nice if the child learned quickly to play well. Heck, it's nice when you pay money for nice groceries and the kids actually eat the food rather than whining about it and complaining.

I think that maybe what the OP is struggling with is that parenting isn't always all that rewarding, but that having a kid who is really good at something is a sort of reward. And if you were the kind of person who was good at their professional job, who got promoted and paid well, etc. it's hard not to feel like you've failed when you stay home and it doesn't appear to be making a difference. I know that for me it was hard to watch my husband advance in his career when I had apparently ended mine, and it was hard to not feel like having a kid advance would be a good substitute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wasn't staying home to make my kids smarter -- but in my particular fantasy, I apparently wanted to be staying home with someone else's kids, probably the Tiger Mom's. It's more fun to do Suzuki violin if your kid learns fast and plays well. It's more fun to do kiddie sports if your kid is good and wins trophies - as opposed to having a kid that warms the bench and who nobody wants on their team. It's more fun to do Kumon with a kid who loves worksheets and learning and math! It's more fun to take a kid to chess club if occasionally they win.

And yes, I know, someone else is taking a child to speech therapy or physical therapy or something else -- and you should just be glad they're healthy. But I think it's human nature to think that if you're going to pay for music lessons, it would be nice if the child learned quickly to play well. Heck, it's nice when you pay money for nice groceries and the kids actually eat the food rather than whining about it and complaining.

I think that maybe what the OP is struggling with is that parenting isn't always all that rewarding, but that having a kid who is really good at something is a sort of reward. And if you were the kind of person who was good at their professional job, who got promoted and paid well, etc. it's hard not to feel like you've failed when you stay home and it doesn't appear to be making a difference. I know that for me it was hard to watch my husband advance in his career when I had apparently ended mine, and it was hard to not feel like having a kid advance would be a good substitute.

Damn, I don't agree with a single thing you just said. I'm a pretty high achieving Ivy League educated professional and I just like being around my VERY average kid as long as he ends up happy. Isn't that what it's all about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wasn't staying home to make my kids smarter -- but in my particular fantasy, I apparently wanted to be staying home with someone else's kids, probably the Tiger Mom's. It's more fun to do Suzuki violin if your kid learns fast and plays well. It's more fun to do kiddie sports if your kid is good and wins trophies - as opposed to having a kid that warms the bench and who nobody wants on their team. It's more fun to do Kumon with a kid who loves worksheets and learning and math! It's more fun to take a kid to chess club if occasionally they win.

And yes, I know, someone else is taking a child to speech therapy or physical therapy or something else -- and you should just be glad they're healthy. But I think it's human nature to think that if you're going to pay for music lessons, it would be nice if the child learned quickly to play well. Heck, it's nice when you pay money for nice groceries and the kids actually eat the food rather than whining about it and complaining.

I think that maybe what the OP is struggling with is that parenting isn't always all that rewarding, but that having a kid who is really good at something is a sort of reward. And if you were the kind of person who was good at their professional job, who got promoted and paid well, etc. it's hard not to feel like you've failed when you stay home and it doesn't appear to be making a difference. I know that for me it was hard to watch my husband advance in his career when I had apparently ended mine, and it was hard to not feel like having a kid advance would be a good substitute.

Maybe your fantasies need to be about your life and not your kid's life.

[Anonymous]

I figured that out eventually, but it took me a long time. I don't think everybody immediately thinks that way. Haven't you noticed that at the kindergarten orientation they ask "are there any questions?" and everybody stands up and asks about the gifted program? Most people assume that their kids are going to be brilliant and special. It can be an adjustment. Ultimately, most of us arrive at the point where we definitely can't imagine having any kids other than the ones that we have, but I think that a bit of disappointment is normal. You're mourning whatever weird fantasy you had about parenting -- probably ever since you were little. (I always assumed my kid was going to be the next Mozart. He's not!)

[Anonymous]

My child is in the magnet program. He did not read till he was 7 years old. Even then, he did not pick up a book to read. So, I read to him every night - minimum of a couple of hours - often times - more than that. Finished so many series that I am now an expert in kid's literature and many of the books for older kids as well. So, in the end - he did not lose the content knowledge, he developed a good vocabulary, has a great imagination etc. Then one day, he started reading by himself - it was a Tintin comic.

Do not get hung up on what other people's kids are doing. Trust me that every kid has some special talent and passions - your job as a parent is to help him discover what he is good at.

The academic stuff? Kids all pick it up - sooner or later.

[Anonymous]

OP - Are your other kids "gifted"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I figured that out eventually, but it took me a long time. I don't think everybody immediately thinks that way. Haven't you noticed that at the kindergarten orientation they ask "are there any questions?" and everybody stands up and asks about the gifted program? Most people assume that their kids are going to be brilliant and special. It can be an adjustment. Ultimately, most of us arrive at the point where we definitely can't imagine having any kids other than the ones that we have, but I think that a bit of disappointment is normal. You're mourning whatever weird fantasy you had about parenting -- probably ever since you were little. (I always assumed my kid was going to be the next Mozart. He's not!)

That's a YOU problem. I really can't relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have the money for private school, be happy with your average child. Public schools are made for average kids.

Funny, I would say the opposite: If you have an average child and can afford it, put them in private. Private schools are made for average kids.