Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he OCD, or anxious, or gay? His constant cleaning with podcasts seems like a way to hide from you - it doesn't seem like it's really about the cleaning. Does he have any leisure activities he enjoys that you could join him in? I really really think you guys should do couples coumseling. Good luck!

+1 This isn't about podcasts and chores.

Oh. Organic food has no health benefits over other food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he OCD, or anxious, or gay? His constant cleaning with podcasts seems like a way to hide from you - it doesn't seem like it's really about the cleaning. Does he have any leisure activities he enjoys that you could join him in? I really really think you guys should do couples coumseling. Good luck!

+1 This isn't about podcasts and chores.

Oh. Organic food has no health benefits over other food.

It's not about chores but it is about podcasts. The man spend all day every day listening to them. Somehow, everyone here thinks it's irrelevant what they are or even that they exist. Yet, they are clearly this man's first priority.

[Anonymous]

What he's doing is blocking out his thoughts and feelings, and in the process, blocking out his wife. He could be doing anything obsessively to accomplish this. Something is painful for him, and he doesn't know how to face it, and he can't handle it in any other way. Been there.

If you can approach him in a loving, calm, and sympathetic way, but make it clear that things cannot go on this way, and see if he'll go talk to a therapist with you, you might start to get somewhere. However, if he's not able/ready to face whatever is causing him pain, or learn new coping skills, you'll have a rough time of it. As others have said, he may be up to other shenanigans. The not wanting to have sex is a big deal in a man.

[Anonymous]

This story sounds made up to me, but I have to admit, it was entertaining to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he OCD, or anxious, or gay? His constant cleaning with podcasts seems like a way to hide from you - it doesn't seem like it's really about the cleaning. Does he have any leisure activities he enjoys that you could join him in? I really really think you guys should do couples coumseling. Good luck!

+1 This isn't about podcasts and chores.

Oh. Organic food has no health benefits over other food.

It's not about chores but it is about podcasts. The man spend all day every day listening to them. Somehow, everyone here thinks it's irrelevant what they are or even that they exist. Yet, they are clearly this man's first priority.

See, my first thought was that the podcasts are an escape -- the specifics don't matter as much as the fact that he's using them to avoid the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he OCD, or anxious, or gay? His constant cleaning with podcasts seems like a way to hide from you - it doesn't seem like it's really about the cleaning. Does he have any leisure activities he enjoys that you could join him in? I really really think you guys should do couples coumseling. Good luck!

+1 This isn't about podcasts and chores.

Oh. Organic food has no health benefits over other food.

It's not about chores but it is about podcasts. The man spend all day every day listening to them. Somehow, everyone here thinks it's irrelevant what they are or even that they exist. Yet, they are clearly this man's first priority.

See, my first thought was that the podcasts are an escape -- the specifics don't matter as much as the fact that he's using them to avoid the OP.

and i think ignoring the OP is a consequence of the podcasts. it's like saying alcoholism is a way to avoid this or that. perhaps. at the same time, it is the core of the problem. whether there would be problems without it is unclear.

[Anonymous]

He is escaping. When I was unhappy with myself. I could no longer find my spouse attractive and did not want sex. I was doing anything and everything to avoid him.

He needs counseling. Somethings going on. You may need to tell him that you are willing to back away from him until he is willing to get help for himself. What I mean by backing away, I mean possibly moving out for a little while. It could help him gain perspective.

[Anonymous]

I think he's a clueless man and you need to talk to him. He should see a doctor. He probably has a hormonal or health issue. Personally he sounds like a woman.

I do know of men who are just fine having sex very periodically and when checked out there's a hormonal issue.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. My marriage is very similar. I know how crushing it can be to your mood and self esteem. My DH also is much more focused on domestic tasks than he needs to be, his headphones are always on, and he can be downright snarly with me when I interrupt him. Like your DH, he won't do things like exercise with me, won't talk to me half the time, yet does incredibly sweet things like baking biscuits for me before I leave for a long day at work. FWIW, we have been together for many years, and it did not start this way - things got much worse after our children were born. Probably because the anxiety ramped way up for both of us.

I have tried everything I can think of to change things. We were in couples therapy for a while, but discontinued it because I honestly felt we weren't getting anywhere. I concluded that this is something about HIM, not about the relationship. He is in therapy on his own and things are starting to improve, but the pace is glacial. I have a lot of reasons to leave, but I love him, he is the father of my children, and I am trying to see that this is about his own personal struggle. Like you, I have asked, "Wouldn't you be happier without me?" But he says no, and I now believe him. I don't think he would fare better with someone else because the problem lies in his ability to emotionally connect to another. That isn't going to go away based on a change in partner. (And in your case, your DH's first marriage proves this point, right?)

On a positive note, we also have instituted a weekly date night and truly, I think it has helped as much as the therapy ever did. Some times are more successful than others. Dinner out is usually a bust because we both default to using our phones. Concerts have been decent, and movies. Best is something physical like hiking.

One question, and you should feel free to disregard if you think it's too nosey - how does your earning power stack up against his?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot about your story falls into place with the info about ADD, OP. Has he ever medicated for it? How aware is he of its role in his life?

OP here. Actually, he started ADD meds (Adderall) about a year into our relationship. And, wow, now that I think of it, he has been much, much more checked out since he started the meds. Like, his hyperfocus is much more intense -- occasional hyperfocus on me, but usually escaping into something else that he completely becomes obsessed with and immerses himself in.

It's not about the podcasts and the gardening -- those are just the current escapes. There were other things he would be immersed with when we were dating and be occupied by. For a while while we were engaged it was pure workaholism, bringing home work and working 'till after midnight every night. Now, it's gardening and podcasts, not work (most of the time). But I think the exact activity is not as relevant as the hyperfocus/escaping in general, which is the pattern.

He is a big Adderall devotee now, and feels that he's much more productive with it. I'm going to have to think about how to broach the possibility that the meds might be hurting our connection with each other. I wonder if this is a thing, or if I'm just searching for something fixable that can save my marriage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry. My marriage is very similar. I know how crushing it can be to your mood and self esteem. My DH also is much more focused on domestic tasks than he needs to be, his headphones are always on, and he can be downright snarly with me when I interrupt him. Like your DH, he won't do things like exercise with me, won't talk to me half the time, yet does incredibly sweet things like baking biscuits for me before I leave for a long day at work. FWIW, we have been together for many years, and it did not start this way - things got much worse after our children were born. Probably because the anxiety ramped way up for both of us.

I have tried everything I can think of to change things. We were in couples therapy for a while, but discontinued it because I honestly felt we weren't getting anywhere. I concluded that this is something about HIM, not about the relationship. He is in therapy on his own and things are starting to improve, but the pace is glacial. I have a lot of reasons to leave, but I love him, he is the father of my children, and I am trying to see that this is about his own personal struggle. Like you, I have asked, "Wouldn't you be happier without me?" But he says no, and I now believe him. I don't think he would fare better with someone else because the problem lies in his ability to emotionally connect to another. That isn't going to go away based on a change in partner. (And in your case, your DH's first marriage proves this point, right?)

On a positive note, we also have instituted a weekly date night and truly, I think it has helped as much as the therapy ever did. Some times are more successful than others. Dinner out is usually a bust because we both default to using our phones. Concerts have been decent, and movies. Best is something physical like hiking.

One question, and you should feel free to disregard if you think it's too nosey - how does your earning power stack up against his?

Thank you so much for this -- it's really nice to hear from someone who is in a similar situation. I really like your date idea, for dates that are activities rather than just staring at each other over meals. I did ask him for a date night this weekend, and we're going to go out after the baby goes to sleep, so hiking is out, but maybe I can come up with something active that we can do at night.

Re earning power, he makes about 50% more than I do.

[Anonymous]

I'm the pp you quoted above. I'm glad my post was helpful and yours was for me, as well. It's a little bit of a comfort to know my DH and I aren't the only couple in this situation.

Seems the earning power thing is probably not an issue for you (I suspect it is for us, though, which is why I wondered).

Do you know what the substantive topic of the podcasts is? Maybe find a related activity? It might be boring for you (I know, because my DH likes science-type stuff, and I don't) but it would put him in a good mood and help him relax. He might feel guilty about and pressured to give up the podcasts, so maybe doing this would be a subtle message that it's certainly ok for it to be a part of his life, not just his whole life.

Just some random thoughts. best to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the pp you quoted above. I'm glad my post was helpful and yours was for me, as well. It's a little bit of a comfort to know my DH and I aren't the only couple in this situation.

Seems the earning power thing is probably not an issue for you (I suspect it is for us, though, which is why I wondered).

Do you know what the substantive topic of the podcasts is? Maybe find a related activity? It might be boring for you (I know, because my DH likes science-type stuff, and I don't) but it would put him in a good mood and help him relax. He might feel guilty about and pressured to give up the podcasts, so maybe doing this would be a subtle message that it's certainly ok for it to be a part of his life, not just his whole life.

Just some random thoughts. best to you, OP.

OP, man here, and you can take this with a grain of salt. I don't think the podcasts are the issue. If it wasn't podcasts, it would be gardening. If it was raining and the podcasts were off it would be something else. If it were a matter of him enjoying an hour of podcasts or an hour of gardening but then connecting emotionally and sexually with you, you probably wouldn't have a problem with this.

I also thought it could be an earning issue, i.e. some men feel emasculated when wives are primary earners, but that isn't it apparently. I hate to also imply he is gay, but this situation is identical to a good friend of mine whose husband used alcohol to zone out and pass out and do everything to avoid intimacy with his wife - she divorced him and he came out soon after. I hate to be gender essentialist but it is really unusual for a man not to need sex. Even if he isn't having sex with you, he must be masturbating somewhere? Men physicially need a release, so he needs his hormones checked to ensure this isn't a medical issue.

One other thing - when the kids came, my wife went low sex drive and it definitely eroded our marriage to the point I fantasized constantly about divorce and cheating. I had to be very direct about my needs and it eventually improved. Men (or some men) really don't pick up on subtle cues. You need to be direct about your needs, no matter how embarrasing that is.

Best of luck to you. Marriage without sex and intimacy is no marriage at all. I feel for you immensely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the pp you quoted above. I'm glad my post was helpful and yours was for me, as well. It's a little bit of a comfort to know my DH and I aren't the only couple in this situation.

Seems the earning power thing is probably not an issue for you (I suspect it is for us, though, which is why I wondered).

Do you know what the substantive topic of the podcasts is? Maybe find a related activity? It might be boring for you (I know, because my DH likes science-type stuff, and I don't) but it would put him in a good mood and help him relax. He might feel guilty about and pressured to give up the podcasts, so maybe doing this would be a subtle message that it's certainly ok for it to be a part of his life, not just his whole life.

Just some random thoughts. best to you, OP.

OP, man here, and you can take this with a grain of salt. I don't think the podcasts are the issue. If it wasn't podcasts, it would be gardening. If it was raining and the podcasts were off it would be something else. If it were a matter of him enjoying an hour of podcasts or an hour of gardening but then connecting emotionally and sexually with you, you probably wouldn't have a problem with this.

I also thought it could be an earning issue, i.e. some men feel emasculated when wives are primary earners, but that isn't it apparently. I hate to also imply he is gay, but this situation is identical to a good friend of mine whose husband used alcohol to zone out and pass out and do everything to avoid intimacy with his wife - she divorced him and he came out soon after. I hate to be gender essentialist but it is really unusual for a man not to need sex. Even if he isn't having sex with you, he must be masturbating somewhere? Men physicially need a release, so he needs his hormones checked to ensure this isn't a medical issue.

One other thing - when the kids came, my wife went low sex drive and it definitely eroded our marriage to the point I fantasized constantly about divorce and cheating. I had to be very direct about my needs and it eventually improved. Men (or some men) really don't pick up on subtle cues. You need to be direct about your needs, no matter how embarrasing that is.

Best of luck to you. Marriage without sex and intimacy is no marriage at all. I feel for you immensely.

I'm the PP you quoted. I was not at all trying to imply it's about the podcasts or gardening. I'm just trying to help her find a good starting point - a date night that he would be generally positive about, so maybe they can at least have a couple of pleasant hours together to get the ball rolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's one I don't see on DCUM very much -- my husband is SO devoted to household cleaning, organizing, gardening, etc. that we spend absolutely no time together, either as a couple or with our toddler. I feel like a complete heel for complaining, and he jumps on me with anger and exasperation when I bring up how I want to spend time together, saying, "WOMEN! See? Look how hard I work and NOTHING IS EVER ENOUGH!"

He spends a lot of time keeping up a large organic garden, which he started so the baby would have organic food, which he then cooked and pureed himself. When I was busy nursing and pumping milk for our preemie and later infant, he took 95% responsibility for cleaning bottles and pump parts. The more I took care of the baby, the more he stepped up to do household chores, which previously were 50/50. Ideal situation, right? How could I dare complain?

But when he is doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, or basically doing anything except being in front of the TV or eating with our toddler (the one time when we can try to have a conversation), he has headphones on, listening to podcasts. We can't just be in a room together and have a conversation, because the headphones are always on. If I try to say something, he gets annoyed, has to pause his podcast, take off his headphones, and glares at me. It's not as simple as having me take back some of the tasks he's doing, as he has developed "systems" around doing them and wants to get them done himself, plus he says he looks forward to listening to his podcasts. There are some things he would be happy for me to do more of, like laundry, but taking more work off his plate doesn't get him to spend more time with me -- if he's not inside doing chores, he's out in the garden until the sun is all the way down.

I am so lonely and depressed. He's sometimes frustrated with me because he comes inside from hours of gardening after the baby is asleep and I'm sitting on the couch reading DCUM. And I'd be pissed, too, working so much and seeing my wife just hanging out on her phone. It's just SO FUCKING LONELY. At least on Facebook or DCUM there's an approximation of contact with other human beings. I know I would feel better if I was doing more myself. I am just stuck deep in this mire of loneliness and depression. I feel like I am completely trapped in my house, in my life, and the person who is supposed to be my companion wants nothing to do with me. We live out in the exurbs, not close to a friend that I could just pop out for 30 minutes to see...it would be a 30 minute drive to get anywhere, so I feel so isolated and alone. I find myself turning to my toddler for affection and company, which is not a healthy dynamic. I just don't know what to do. We've been married a really short time (pregnant on honeymoon) and it feels insane to say I feel like my marriage is falling apart because my husband is TOO good around the house.

Last night, he was out in the yard for a long time after dark, and I couldn't figure out what on earth he was doing out there. When I got to put the baby in the car this morning to go to work, I found that he had cleaned the whole car, top to bottom, inside. It had been a disaster and it now looks great. And I just burst into tears. I would so much rather have had a half hour talking to my husband than have a clean car. Or we could have cleaned it together while actually talking about something. But he really has no interest whatsoever in connecting with me, and the more he does without me, the worse it feels.

I just don't know what to do.

DH here - This may not apply to your husband since he seems a little more domestic than I am. But I get withdrawn from my wife if we aren't having enough sex. How is the sex life? Is he initiating and you are rejecting?

OP here. Exactly the opposite. 9 times out of 10, I initiate and he rejects. The only exception is that he stays up much later than I do (like, 'till after midnight when the baby is up at 5) and occasionally he comes to bed and gets an erection. Usually I'm game to wake up and do something to take care of him (rarely mutual, usually me giving) but this Friday night I was simply too completely exhausted, and asked for a rain check for the next day while the baby was napping. But then Saturday's naps came and went and he was in the garden both times, same on Sunday. I have literally never said no to sex during the day. I do hesitate to initiate now because, like I said, 9 times out of 10 it's a no, and it's completely demoralizing.

Great chance for me to echo my point over and over and over here. If it was a husband who posted that the wife is a good housewife and gets no sex, EVERY woman on here would say: "See!!! the lazy stupid husband is the root cause of this!!" Now that the roles are reversed, the reasons STILL blame the man. How about the DW do more house work? Seduce the husband? Not do slam bam, thank you man. ETC ETC.