Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband

[Anonymous]

If your husband gets mad when you express how you feel, refused couples therapy and makes no effort to spend at least a little time with you knowing how important it is, you need to leave him. It is better to leave now, or you will end up like me 14 years into a miserable marriage with a man who also ignores me. I have learned that it is better to divorce while the kids are very young, as they won't remember life any other way. Your husband has serious issues and I'm sure some of these qualities were evident when you were dating, but you chose to ignore. When a man doesn't want sex, there are serious issues. He's either gay, depressed, cheating or has some sort of medical issue that needs to be addressed.

As a last ditch effort, plan a date with him. Tell him to be ready at a certain day/time and have childcare lined up. If he refuses this, I suggest that you run as fast as you can. Since he is refusing therapy, there is no way for you to work on your marriage. If you stay in this marriage like it currently is, not only will you end up miserable and depressed, but you set a horrible example of what a marriage is and put your child in danger of later leading a similar life.

[Anonymous]

OP here, quick follow-up. All of these responses have been really thought provoking and helpful. I started last week by asking for a date night and lining up child care. DH also actually himself brought up the idea of weeding together once the baby was asleep one night. That didn't work out so well - he still doesn't do well with doing things together-together, as in both participating in the same task and interacting during it. But date night was really successful...not just the date itself (which wasn't particularly any thing special, just dinner, but nice) but the anticipation and intentionality of it all was good for us. And we had sex! Sex. Good stuff. And a pretty good week. And I've been doing a bit more around the house, so that helps.

I like the idea of reading a book together and ultimately do very much want to do therapy, but I think for now I'm doing to try to build on this small success and do date night again next weekend. Keep building the small victories of friendship time together. And hopefully more sex, too.

Really appreciate everyone's kind and helpful perspectives and advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's one I don't see on DCUM very much -- my husband is SO devoted to household cleaning, organizing, gardening, etc. that we spend absolutely no time together, either as a couple or with our toddler. I feel like a complete heel for complaining, and he jumps on me with anger and exasperation when I bring up how I want to spend time together, saying, "WOMEN! See? Look how hard I work and NOTHING IS EVER ENOUGH!"

He spends a lot of time keeping up a large organic garden, which he started so the baby would have organic food, which he then cooked and pureed himself. When I was busy nursing and pumping milk for our preemie and later infant, he took 95% responsibility for cleaning bottles and pump parts. The more I took care of the baby, the more he stepped up to do household chores, which previously were 50/50. Ideal situation, right? How could I dare complain?

But when he is doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, or basically doing anything except being in front of the TV or eating with our toddler (the one time when we can try to have a conversation), he has headphones on, listening to podcasts. We can't just be in a room together and have a conversation, because the headphones are always on. If I try to say something, he gets annoyed, has to pause his podcast, take off his headphones, and glares at me. It's not as simple as having me take back some of the tasks he's doing, as he has developed "systems" around doing them and wants to get them done himself, plus he says he looks forward to listening to his podcasts. There are some things he would be happy for me to do more of, like laundry, but taking more work off his plate doesn't get him to spend more time with me -- if he's not inside doing chores, he's out in the garden until the sun is all the way down.

I am so lonely and depressed. He's sometimes frustrated with me because he comes inside from hours of gardening after the baby is asleep and I'm sitting on the couch reading DCUM. And I'd be pissed, too, working so much and seeing my wife just hanging out on her phone. It's just SO FUCKING LONELY. At least on Facebook or DCUM there's an approximation of contact with other human beings. I know I would feel better if I was doing more myself. I am just stuck deep in this mire of loneliness and depression. I feel like I am completely trapped in my house, in my life, and the person who is supposed to be my companion wants nothing to do with me. We live out in the exurbs, not close to a friend that I could just pop out for 30 minutes to see...it would be a 30 minute drive to get anywhere, so I feel so isolated and alone. I find myself turning to my toddler for affection and company, which is not a healthy dynamic. I just don't know what to do. We've been married a really short time (pregnant on honeymoon) and it feels insane to say I feel like my marriage is falling apart because my husband is TOO good around the house.

Last night, he was out in the yard for a long time after dark, and I couldn't figure out what on earth he was doing out there. When I got to put the baby in the car this morning to go to work, I found that he had cleaned the whole car, top to bottom, inside. It had been a disaster and it now looks great. And I just burst into tears. I would so much rather have had a half hour talking to my husband than have a clean car. Or we could have cleaned it together while actually talking about something. But he really has no interest whatsoever in connecting with me, and the more he does without me, the worse it feels.

I just don't know what to do.

I don't mean to be alarmist, but he sounds off. Is it possible he has aspergers or something similar? Maybe OCD? Have you thought about consulting a psychologist?

[Anonymous]

OP, I truly feel for you and appreciate your honesty here. I'm sure other women and men can relate. I can't help but wonder if it's possible your husband might be on the Autism Spectrum (Aspeger's)? Not that it would help in the immediacy, but perhaps knowing (if he is willing), would provide a measure of context. I hope you and your husband find resolution to this soon. Take care.

[Anonymous]

Don't leave your husband - there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. Work on communicating with him - learn his love languages - schedule time away for just you and him to help you with satisfying your needs. You have a great man there and he just needs your respect and love and in time he will reciprocate.

Never listen to people whose first option is to divorce. Try to work it out - if there is no abuse or adultery - then stick it out as long as you can - don't give up on him and he wont give up on you.

I made it work with my husband - we have been together 25 years - I had to learn to love him and reward him for his accomplishments. turns out his self esteem was down, he did not feel like a provider or a man. Once our kids were older and he was able to go to work - our relationship grew stronger.

5 years from now - the people who gave you advice will never remember you - while he will never forget you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Might he be on the spectrum? That was an interesting point. But OP, Ido think you should share this with him, or write him a letter expressing these very thoughts. He wants all the trappings if marriage but not the relationship - that is what his behavior is telling you loud and clear.

The Rainbow spectrum. Full on gay!! FULL ON!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, quick follow-up. All of these responses have been really thought provoking and helpful. I started last week by asking for a date night and lining up child care. DH also actually himself brought up the idea of weeding together once the baby was asleep one night. That didn't work out so well - he still doesn't do well with doing things together-together, as in both participating in the same task and interacting during it. But date night was really successful...not just the date itself (which wasn't particularly any thing special, just dinner, but nice) but the anticipation and intentionality of it all was good for us. And we had sex! Sex. Good stuff. And a pretty good week. And I've been doing a bit more around the house, so that helps.

I like the idea of reading a book together and ultimately do very much want to do therapy, but I think for now I'm doing to try to build on this small success and do date night again next weekend. Keep building the small victories of friendship time together. And hopefully more sex, too.

Really appreciate everyone's kind and helpful perspectives and advice!

Great news! Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Take it a day at a time for as long as you can.

[Anonymous]

Is he on adderall?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would check his phone and internet usage.

This. And I would seriously consider that this person does not belong in a marriage. So sorry - you sound really perceptive, smart & kind ... I hope you find happiness with some one deserving of you.