Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
When my wife turns into supermom and away from being my wife and sexual partner, I do speak up very clearly. It is not easy - trust me, it can lead to tears - but if I don't I know our marriage will end or I will cheat. I usually explain it this way (condensed version): I want to have a good healthy sex life. DW is my only approved sexual outlet. If she isn't going to be my sexual partner, then I will be miserable or I will ask to see another sexual partner.

The bolded part isn't untrue, but I hope you have a little tact when expressing this sentiment to your spouse. If she's already not feeling sexy, being told you want to have sex with her because you're not allowed to have sex with anyone else is going to make the problem that much worse. Most people want their spouse to want them in particular.

It is inartfully worded, but the point is true - sex is a need just like any other need. I suppose you could be technically correct that we can live without sex, so it's not a real need like food and water. Technically, you could also lock someone in solitary confinement and they would live a long time with food and water, but the quality of life would not be worth living. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying that I need to have sex to make life worthwhile and I want that sex to be with you, but if it can't be, then I want it with someone else.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe you need to make an arrangement with your H to seek sex and intimacy elsewhere. Keeps your family intact and him and you in the same space to parent your child, and gives you what you want. What would he say if you proposed this to him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of a gender role reversal, but this dynamic is not at all uncommon with the woman neglecting her husband due to all of the housework that "has" to be done.

Good luck breaking that cycle.

This isn't at all similar to that. He is creating work and projects for himself to avoid her, the podcasts are also pure avoidance. He's unhappy with something, or has energy to burn...but he is not driven by a sense of responsibility to the household here. What a strange dynamic. OP, he may take great care of the house and his job and child but he's not taking good care of his marriage. That is a 100% legit way for you to feel. What if you scheduled a family therapy session and had a chance to say this all to him in front of a counselor? Could you get him there, and would it help him express what's truly going on?

I think it's very similar. I don't know that we can conclude he's not motivated by a sense of responsibility to the household. New mothers often feel like the kid "needs" a lot more than he or she actually does and that the house needs more than it actually does. And, because they're satisfying these self-imposed burdens in the name of "responsibility to the family," they often neglect their marriages. Don't want to interact with their husbands because they're "all touched out" or "need some me time."

Looks like that's very similar to what OP's husband is doing. He's doing things which, on their surface, are for the family - but, because they are above and beyond what's actually necessary, show a certain kind of selfishness. (E.g. are the baby sign language classes because the kid actually needs them or because new mom wants to have bragging rights in her mom circles? Is the organic baby food actually necessary for the child to be healthy or is OP's husband looking to show off / avoid his wife?) Is the "me time" / podcast time reasonable in light of the declining connection between husband & wife?

I think they are similar situations and OP's husband has his priorities out of whack. He needs to dial down his roles as father / podcast enthusiast and dial up his role as husband.

Yes but they don't have headphones on all day long. That to me is by far the weirdest part.

OP what are these podcasts about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
When my wife turns into supermom and away from being my wife and sexual partner, I do speak up very clearly. It is not easy - trust me, it can lead to tears - but if I don't I know our marriage will end or I will cheat. I usually explain it this way (condensed version): I want to have a good healthy sex life. DW is my only approved sexual outlet. If she isn't going to be my sexual partner, then I will be miserable or I will ask to see another sexual partner.

The bolded part isn't untrue, but I hope you have a little tact when expressing this sentiment to your spouse. If she's already not feeling sexy, being told you want to have sex with her because you're not allowed to have sex with anyone else is going to make the problem that much worse. Most people want their spouse to want them in particular.

It is inartfully worded, but the point is true - sex is a need just like any other need. I suppose you could be technically correct that we can live without sex, so it's not a real need like food and water. Technically, you could also lock someone in solitary confinement and they would live a long time with food and water, but the quality of life would not be worth living. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying that I need to have sex to make life worthwhile and I want that sex to be with you, but if it can't be, then I want it with someone else.

I was perhaps unclear -- I'm not one of those "sex isn't a real need" people. The problem is implying to your spouse that the only reason you want sex *with her* is because you're required to use her as your exclusive sexual outlet. Even if that's technically true, your marriage and sex is going to be better if you can convey to her the notion that even if you were completely free to go elsewhere, you'd still want to have sex with her and not anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
When my wife turns into supermom and away from being my wife and sexual partner, I do speak up very clearly. It is not easy - trust me, it can lead to tears - but if I don't I know our marriage will end or I will cheat. I usually explain it this way (condensed version): I want to have a good healthy sex life. DW is my only approved sexual outlet. If she isn't going to be my sexual partner, then I will be miserable or I will ask to see another sexual partner.

The bolded part isn't untrue, but I hope you have a little tact when expressing this sentiment to your spouse. If she's already not feeling sexy, being told you want to have sex with her because you're not allowed to have sex with anyone else is going to make the problem that much worse. Most people want their spouse to want them in particular.

It is inartfully worded, but the point is true - sex is a need just like any other need. I suppose you could be technically correct that we can live without sex, so it's not a real need like food and water. Technically, you could also lock someone in solitary confinement and they would live a long time with food and water, but the quality of life would not be worth living. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying that I need to have sex to make life worthwhile and I want that sex to be with you, but if it can't be, then I want it with someone else.

I was perhaps unclear -- I'm not one of those "sex isn't a real need" people. The problem is implying to your spouse that the only reason you want sex *with her* is because you're required to use her as your exclusive sexual outlet. Even if that's technically true, your marriage and sex is going to be better if you can convey to her the notion that even if you were completely free to go elsewhere, you'd still want to have sex with her and not anyone else.

We get what you're saying but it's not true for me. I find my dh's version of the pp's "you're my only valid outlet" funnier and more persuasive than being told I am beautiful, etc., but everyone is different.

OP, the lunch thing makes me uncomfortable, even though I can see why it could be read as a lovely gesture. It's just very far outside the couple behavior I've seen (unless one half of the couple is a chef). He packed your vitamins! That's not being a partner, it's being a parent.

Did your dh grow up in a situation where he was not very loved, or where love was conditional on task completion? Does he seem attached to his parents (i.e, capable of attachment)? I was the one who suggested OCD but I don't it fits perfectly: it sounds almost like he is doing all these things for you to "prove" he loves you, but that he knows they aren't what you want...is there a hostility in that? In any case, it really seems like the issue is something within him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We get what you're saying but it's not true for me. I find my dh's version of the pp's "you're my only valid outlet" funnier and more persuasive than being told I am beautiful, etc., but everyone is different.

Is that a royal "we" or more of a schizophrenic thing?

[Anonymous]

He's Just Not That Into You.

[Anonymous]

Get a sitter, make a 'date night', make a counseling appointment for a few days later and then lay it out at a time/place that he cannot avoid you. Tell him calmly that he is avoiding all forms of intimacy with you: emotional, physical, even basic companionship and he is filling his time with 'household' tasks in order to justify this, and that it is totally unacceptable and you are seriously considering separation. Tell him that if he does in fact want to remain married, he will go to counseling with you. His blowing up at your feelings of loneliness is real emotional violence. Not every need can/should get met by one's primary partner, but marriage implies maintaing the basic needs: companionship, sex, and mutual respect. Doesn't sound like you have any of that. Each time he brings up how much he does for the household, respond "I want you to do less and be with me more. I have consistently asked for companionship, love, sex and conversation and you have rejected me consistently.. Not laundry, dishes, gourmet meals and lunches packed. Those are nice, but they are not the basis on which a marriage is founded."

I have to say that I do not think this will accomplish much, unless he is truly willing to do serious therapy. Both his history and your mutual history suggest his capacity for connection is limited in some profound way, and that he's unable to sustain it for long periods. You might, in the end, be happier with a co-parenting relationship--at which he might be excellent and trustworthy. Obviously YOU are not there yet, but he might already be gone.

[Anonymous]

I would check his phone and internet usage.

[Anonymous]

Counseling. Counseling.

[Anonymous]

This often gets posted from the other perspective. Wife slaving away while husband sits on the couch.

Usually the husband gets called a lazy ass, asshole, idiot, child and the wife told sorry you married such a loser and that she should leave him and find someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That reads like anxiety to me, on your husband's part. He's so stressed and keyed up and doing things all the time so he never slows down and opens up enough to deal with whatever it is he's *really* feeling.

Can you get him out on a date night? Set up a babysitter, go out, and talk? Something seems really wrong with your DH.

I'm like the female version of your husband OP. I am always busy doing chores and gardening, and when that's done or at least I stop, I go online to DCUMs or work on my websites or our finances. I am always busy every minute. I forgot how to have down time after DD was born. I forgot how to turn my brain off and recreate. I have no sex drive anymore either. I think it's a combination of being overworked, overstressed, overly busy, having no one in town to pitch in, and being slightly anxious and being highly intelligent (I'm not gifted, but well above avg). My brain cannot shut off unless it's time to drop and pass out from exhaustion. I am always thinking, cleaning, creating . . .

[Anonymous]

I have never said this about a post before honestly...But this one is obviously made up.

[Anonymous]

Some men show love by helping their wives with chores etc. My DH is a lot like this. He has a ton of interests that are different from mine and after the birth of our kids he would go out of his way to do chores around the house. Intimacy did suffer after the kids were born - but thankfully we had had a number of years together without kids first. We made sure that we were on track sexually and that kept our marriage alive.

There are three things you need to do - 1) appreciate your husband for what he does and allow him the space for his interests, 2) surround yourself with a circle of girlfriends that can provide you with companionship and 3) make sure that you and DH are connecting sexually.

[Anonymous]

He packed me a lunch for this morning, for instance -- with vegetables and dip, leftovers from last night, my daily vitamins, a paper towel, and a piece of my favorite candy for dessert. How thoughtful and lovely is that? So thoughtful. Only I would rather have had 5 minutes of conversation with him rather than him spend 5 minutes making me my lunch.

So we had the epic "sandwiches instead of blowies" wife.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/362669.page#4706563

And now we have a "vegetables and dip instead of intamacy" husband.

Good grief! Why do people even get married if they don't want sex?