Desperately lonely with my excellent house-husband

[Anonymous]

I'd look into what he does when you aren't home. I went through something very similar with my dh. He was so domesticated that it was a turn off to me to the point I would even ask him to stop vacuuming etc in front of me. Hed go into this cleaning frenzy every weekend. Sex was infrequent. Id get rejected at times. I too thought maybe he was gay or had a hormone imbalance. Turned out as soon as I left the house he'd start up chats with women on the internet. If he's not getting it from you he's getting it elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never said this about a post before honestly...But this one is obviously made up.

OP here. It's not. It's my life.

I've been absorbing what people have asked and have said, and I've been in a really, really deep funk since yesterday because some of these responses are hitting the mark in a way that's pretty frightening. And I hesitate to write more on the off-chance that I do have the courage to show the thread to him, though I am leaning against it.

The truth is, there could be a whole lot going on that I am unaware of. I could drive myself crazy trying to monitor and find it. He teleworks at least one day a week, sometimes more, and I typically go to bed by myself and he comes to bed later, so there could be a whole lot of internet activity that I would consider a violation of our commitment to each other. Or it could be totally innocent. I know he posts on discussion boards related to one of the podcasts he follows, and that's harmless. But I haven't let myself get consumed by being a forensic computer detective. If he wants to hide things from me, it would be very easy to do so. But I don't think I have to dig too deep below the surface. His reluctance to spend time with me is right on the top of the surface.

And then I read the posts from others who talk about their own anxieties and inability to shut down and relax...I know he experiences that at times. And he creates OCD-like tasks to channel some of that excess energy, I think. When we met he used to have some collections of things that were sort of an OCD-like pursuit; it's hard to explain without revealing too much, but they were very time consuming for him and ultimately more about the keeping busy than anything that he really valued.

When we were in premarital counseling, with a counselor that we ended up deciding was a quack, one thing she said did really hit the mark, I think -- she said that his ADD could be a real impediment to our relationship, because he would go through phases of hyperfocus on me which would be very seductive, and then he would find something else to hyperfocus on and I would feel abandoned. That's probably the most benign interpretation. There have definitely been times when all the attention has been on me and on us, and I have felt very close to him. And then it's like a switch is flipped and he disappears emotionally. So there could be something to that.

Last night, after the baby went to bed, I looked outside and saw him in the garden and just took a shower and went to bed. Doesn't seem like he missed me. It's not much of a life, but, yeah, this is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some men show love by helping their wives with chores etc. My DH is a lot like this. He has a ton of interests that are different from mine and after the birth of our kids he would go out of his way to do chores around the house. Intimacy did suffer after the kids were born - but thankfully we had had a number of years together without kids first. We made sure that we were on track sexually and that kept our marriage alive.

There are three things you need to do - 1) appreciate your husband for what he does and allow him the space for his interests, 2) surround yourself with a circle of girlfriends that can provide you with companionship and 3) make sure that you and DH are connecting sexually.

Thanks for this. OP here. I do know there is love in what he does, especially things like the lunches. These are things we sort of do for each other -- he's bad about money, so I pay the bills and keep on top of his checking account, etc., because it's just not his forte. I'm bad about nutrition, so when I was pregnant he started making me lunches to make sure that I was eating protein, vegetables, etc. He kept it up when I was nursing. There is a LOT of love in the gesture, I know that, I do.

Until recently, I was pretty effusive with thanks for this stuff, even though I'm not asking for it, because I told myself that it was love. I've read the 5 Love Languages book and I kept telling myself that this is just his way of showing love. I think lately, though, the complete lack of a connection between us, despite all of these caretaking gestures, is making it hard for me to express appreciation.

I do have to work on building that circle of girlfriends so I'm not depending on him for most of my companionship needs. But shouldn't a spouse provide SOME companionship, at least on a daily existence-in-the-same-home basis? How else do you and your husband keep your marriage alive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd look into what he does when you aren't home. I went through something very similar with my dh. He was so domesticated that it was a turn off to me to the point I would even ask him to stop vacuuming etc in front of me. Hed go into this cleaning frenzy every weekend. Sex was infrequent. Id get rejected at times. I too thought maybe he was gay or had a hormone imbalance. Turned out as soon as I left the house he'd start up chats with women on the internet. If he's not getting it from you he's getting it elsewhere.

Ugh. One of my worst fears. What happened to your and your DH after this?

[Anonymous]

Have you proposed date night? I've never seen a couple who needed it more. Best to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you proposed date night? I've never seen a couple who needed it more. Best to you. [/quoted]

Thank you. I haven't yet. I think I'm a little gun-shy from rejection. But hey, a no is the same as never asking, right? So I might as well ask. I will make sure a babysitter will be available one night this weekend and ask. Thank you for the push.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never said this about a post before honestly...But this one is obviously made up.

OP here. It's not. It's my life.

I've been absorbing what people have asked and have said, and I've been in a really, really deep funk since yesterday because some of these responses are hitting the mark in a way that's pretty frightening. And I hesitate to write more on the off-chance that I do have the courage to show the thread to him, though I am leaning against it.

The truth is, there could be a whole lot going on that I am unaware of. I could drive myself crazy trying to monitor and find it. He teleworks at least one day a week, sometimes more, and I typically go to bed by myself and he comes to bed later, so there could be a whole lot of internet activity that I would consider a violation of our commitment to each other. Or it could be totally innocent. I know he posts on discussion boards related to one of the podcasts he follows, and that's harmless. But I haven't let myself get consumed by being a forensic computer detective. If he wants to hide things from me, it would be very easy to do so. But I don't think I have to dig too deep below the surface. His reluctance to spend time with me is right on the top of the surface.

And then I read the posts from others who talk about their own anxieties and inability to shut down and relax...I know he experiences that at times. And he creates OCD-like tasks to channel some of that excess energy, I think. When we met he used to have some collections of things that were sort of an OCD-like pursuit; it's hard to explain without revealing too much, but they were very time consuming for him and ultimately more about the keeping busy than anything that he really valued.

When we were in premarital counseling, with a counselor that we ended up deciding was a quack, one thing she said did really hit the mark, I think -- she said that his ADD could be a real impediment to our relationship, because he would go through phases of hyperfocus on me which would be very seductive, and then he would find something else to hyperfocus on and I would feel abandoned. That's probably the most benign interpretation. There have definitely been times when all the attention has been on me and on us, and I have felt very close to him. And then it's like a switch is flipped and he disappears emotionally. So there could be something to that.

Last night, after the baby went to bed, I looked outside and saw him in the garden and just took a shower and went to bed. Doesn't seem like he missed me. It's not much of a life, but, yeah, this is real.

Wow, I feel for you. I'm sorry that poster accused you of being fake... I thought it was pretty obvious from the way you wrote about this that your situation and pain is real.

The part I bolded above might be key. From what I know about ADHD (which isn't a lot, but I suspect I might have it although I haven't been diagnosed), the ADHD person is easily distracted by every new interesting/shiny object. His podcasts are his current "shiny object" that he's hyperfocusing on. There wouldn't necessarily be anything wrong with that if he were single, but the degree to which he's doing it isn't compatible with being married to someone.

I think he really, really needs to understand how much this is hurting you, because it seems like he's taking you for granted right now. You probably need to do this with a counsellor. You can't really get rid of ADHD traits, but you can change behaviors, and I think (or at least hope) that he would change his behavior if he knew that not doing so would result in the loss of his marriage.

[Anonymous]

"He packed me a lunch for this morning, for instance -- with vegetables and dip, leftovers from last night, my daily vitamins, a paper towel, and a piece of my favorite candy for dessert. How thoughtful and lovely is that? So thoughtful. Only I would rather have had 5 minutes of conversation with him rather than him spend 5 minutes making me my lunch."

OP, first of all, with regard to the "love languages" idea, while this may be HIS way of showing love, the idea is that he needs to show love to you in a way that YOU need, i.e. conversation, sex, sharing emotions, not doing things for you. (And the same is true for you showing him love.)

I also sense that he's doing these things to try to hold on to you, because he knows you're unhappy but its too scary for him to engage in emotional (and probably sexual) intimacy.

I think you need to let go of wondering what he is or is not doing on the internet . . . . your focusing should be on making clear to him that you need him work on your relationship by understanding and then providing you what you need.

[Anonymous]

Also, you could drive yourself crazy analyzing different hypotheses for why he's behaving the way he is... maybe he's gay, maybe he has a port addiction, or a mistress, or maybe he just has ADHD and is hyperfocusing.

But from where you stand the reasons behind it don't really matter. The important thing for you is that you're very unhappy and don't feel loved. Let him worry about the why's behind this, the only thing that matters for you is that it starts to change.

[Anonymous]

OP your husband is addicted to these podcasts and this is the crux of the problem. Everything he does around house and for you is calculates to give home more time to listen to them. You need to pay way more attention to this because this is the most important thing in his life.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound real to me, and I am so sorry you're going through this.

I don't have a lot of suggestions other than what has been already added, but one thing, I would be skeptical about the "love languages" people and advice. Maybe it has worked for some people, but IME the spouses who rely on it use it as a way to excuse and enable unkind behavior.

[Anonymous]

A lot about your story falls into place with the info about ADD, OP. Has he ever medicated for it? How aware is he of its role in his life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd look into what he does when you aren't home. I went through something very similar with my dh. He was so domesticated that it was a turn off to me to the point I would even ask him to stop vacuuming etc in front of me. Hed go into this cleaning frenzy every weekend. Sex was infrequent. Id get rejected at times. I too thought maybe he was gay or had a hormone imbalance. Turned out as soon as I left the house he'd start up chats with women on the internet. If he's not getting it from you he's getting it elsewhere.

Ugh. One of my worst fears. What happened to your and your DH after this?

Well I discovered this last November, after being married only 6 months. I felt like this really couldn't be happening so soon after getting married so I stuck it out. It's been wobbly...Highs and lows. I'm having difficulty trusting him again. I'm not sure we'll make it.

[Anonymous]

The ADD/OCD stuff is really a sideshow. He seems to be unable to recognize emotional needs in his wife and has trouble with intimacy and showing affection.

I personally have some ADD/OCD stuff, but I am also affectionate and emotionally available to my wife. I would feel terribly guilty if I constantly rejected her sexual advances and attempts at being friendly toward me.

Based on your description, It really sounds like autism/aspergers to me. I doubt he is gay because this seems to encompass your entire relationship, not just sex. If he was just gay, I'm sure he'd still be capable of having a conversation and shared activities. It's hard to understand. But he really seems to be in his own world. No offense to people with autism, but he truly sounds like he lacks personal insight and is genuinely afflicted by some kind of mental illness.

Is he taking any medication? Any lifestyle changes that correlate with changes in his personality? You mentioned that his last marriage failed over this very issue. That does not auger well for your situation unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ADD/OCD stuff is really a sideshow. He seems to be unable to recognize emotional needs in his wife and has trouble with intimacy and showing affection.

I personally have some ADD/OCD stuff, but I am also affectionate and emotionally available to my wife. I would feel terribly guilty if I constantly rejected her sexual advances and attempts at being friendly toward me.

Based on your description, It really sounds like autism/aspergers to me. I doubt he is gay because this seems to encompass your entire relationship, not just sex. If he was just gay, I'm sure he'd still be capable of having a conversation and shared activities. It's hard to understand. But he really seems to be in his own world. No offense to people with autism, but he truly sounds like he lacks personal insight and is genuinely afflicted by some kind of mental illness.

Is he taking any medication? Any lifestyle changes that correlate with changes in his personality? You mentioned that his last marriage failed over this very issue. That does not auger well for your situation unfortunately.

but he is having conversations and shared activities - just not with OP. per OP, he is posting on forums related to the post casts he is listening to all day long. OP"s husband clearly has this obsession/addiction/hobby that he has found a way of pursuing relentlessly while appearing to be a part of family.