My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present

[Anonymous]

I am in the exact same boat as you. In laws only speak Chinese when I'm around. We have had a sit down with them recently and for a few weeks they talked English a bit...but now it's back to Chinese only. I have given up. Frankly, if you are not even interested in me enough to speak a language I understand, then I am not interested in building a relationship with you. I don't have a relationship with my in laws and I don't expect that to ever change. I have done my best over the best 4 years, but enough is enough. Once we have a child I will make it a rule to speak English when we are together. If they don't follow that rule we will simply not meet. I am sick of it

[Anonymous]

I am in the same boat, stopped going to any family or gathering where I am the foreigner.... Have got to the point of wondering why I have anything to do with such uneducated, rude people... and thinking of just divorcing as if my feelings don’t matter enough for my wife to bother speaking English at all these family and friends gathering...She doesn’t care enough for me to stay with her... There is no excuse....using lame excuses that some words don’t translate well, or it’s easier for them, or it’s their culture...Is all BS...they all work speaking English, all their shopping, services are in English...here in Canada....So no excuse not to include me if I bother to come to the park, or camping, or birthday parties....because no one will bother to speak English and don’t care that I am totally excluded and am reading a book or surfing the internet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I wish they can at least speak English at meal time so I can join in and not feel like stranger at the table' and if they have any plan with my daughter, I should be involve in the conversation. Also a few times, my husband told me about something they talked a few days ago that I had value information/opinion. If I had known, it would save them time to find out.
I feel more tension between myself and my ILs, due to the fact that I can't get over this issue so I was hoping someone can point out something to help me. I guess I have to accept this or learn Cantonese.

i'm the pp that suggested compromise back on page 2. this happens even among us chinese. my family speaks a dialect (shanghainese) in addition to mandarin while my husband only speaks mandarin. so when my parents are around, their preference is dialect > mandarin > english. when they speak to DH, they start out with mandarin, but after 2 to 3 sentences, the dialect slips in w/o them noticing it. if i'm around, i'll speak up, if i'm not, DH is lost. after many years, DH just accepts it as way of life. he has no interest in learning the dialect nor do i push it either way. if the conversation is important or involves him, i'll remind my folks to speak mandarin, o/w he just assumes it's not worthy of him paying attn.

probably not helpful to you. but rest assured that this happens all the time, not just to families made of different ethnicities, but when there is a language barrier + family dynamics + cultural differences, it gets complicated. in your case, either you learn cantonese or learn to let it go.

“Or let them go...no excuse...rude and condescending.... Let them know that If ever the shoe is on the other foot...you will pay back their isolation that they did to you...and exclude them from your life and children.....as they are not friends or family whom deserve to be around you or your children...” Blame it on cultural differences, and pay back for the abuse they did to you....Yes...abuse....

[Anonymous]

I haven't read through all the replies. My in-laws are Turkish however can speak English. They wouldn't speak English in my presence either in their own home or out for dinner. I did ask DH to ask them to speak more English so I could get to know them. They refused. I tried to learn their language but with my own studies and work and no help from DH I lost interest.

20 years on and I would say we still have a superficial relationship. I don't really know them.

In my situation it was part of a wider issue of non acceptance. MY MIL made it blatantly clear that I wasn't welcome in her family. Language was used as one more tool to exclude me. That was also one of the reasons I lost interest in learning the language.

As the years went on as it was such an issue we naturally stopped having dinner with them, stopped having vacations with them, DH just visits them on their own once in a while and I see them a handful of times a year. It worked for us. We don't have kids though.

Now I find my MIL speaks English in my presence and has done so for the last few years. I am polite to her but that's it. I don't have any advice for OP but to say it's a balance.

I did recognise that it's natural for them to speak their native language and I was accepting of this however people don't know what it is like to sit for two hours at dinner and literally have nothing to do. If I got my phone out or tried to read a book, I was rude, if I was bland faced because I was bored, I was unhappy what was wrong with me, if I smiled why is she smiling like a maniac. It was so awful.

Op make your marriage strong and try to let go of the in-laws. Do the minimum to get by and that's it. Make your family with other people. These people won't be your family. Whatever you do don't argue with your husband over them, they like to divide and conquer, just accept the situation and concentrate on your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Wait, what? You're all out at dinner, you don't speak their language but they speak yours, and they refuse to speak your language and just carry on as if you weren't there?? That's one of the rudest things I've ever heard.

The great thing is that now you have a chance to do whatever you want for that time DH can go have dinner with his parents every month or so, and you get a night to relax.

And if anyone seriously expects you to attend although they talk around you as if you weren't in the room, you should laugh in their face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you try learning Cantonese? It would be a good way to butter up the ILs and it would make them think twice about talking in front of you. You can repeatedly ask them to say something again or ask the meaning of words or just generally gum up their conversations in passive-aggressive ways, while telling them that you are trying to learn their language so you can be more included in their family.

Why would or should she be even remotely interested in "buttering up the ILs"?? They're obnoxious. I'd cut them off and be done with it. You can even refuse access to the kids on the grounds that you don't want the kids learning to be so disrespectful and incredibly ill-mannered to people. It's outrageous to expect OP to let her kids watch the ILs disrespect her, let alone do it repeatedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I wish they can at least speak English at meal time so I can join in and not feel like stranger at the table' and if they have any plan with my daughter, I should be involve in the conversation. Also a few times, my husband told me about something they talked a few days ago that I had value information/opinion. If I had known, it would save them time to find out.
I feel more tension between myself and my ILs, due to the fact that I can't get over this issue so I was hoping someone can point out something to help me. I guess I have to accept this or learn Cantonese.

i'm the pp that suggested compromise back on page 2. this happens even among us chinese. my family speaks a dialect (shanghainese) in addition to mandarin while my husband only speaks mandarin. so when my parents are around, their preference is dialect > mandarin > english. when they speak to DH, they start out with mandarin, but after 2 to 3 sentences, the dialect slips in w/o them noticing it. if i'm around, i'll speak up, if i'm not, DH is lost. after many years, DH just accepts it as way of life. he has no interest in learning the dialect nor do i push it either way. if the conversation is important or involves him, i'll remind my folks to speak mandarin, o/w he just assumes it's not worthy of him paying attn.

probably not helpful to you. but rest assured that this happens all the time, not just to families made of different ethnicities, but when there is a language barrier + family dynamics + cultural differences, it gets complicated. in your case, either you learn cantonese or learn to let it go.

... so in other words, you're about as rude as the OP's ILs. Got it.

[Anonymous]

It took about 6 years and two grandchildren for my parents to start speaking in English around my husband. Give it time.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are Vietnamese and while they did talk in Vietnamese with each other and others, they also carried on some of the conversation in a common language we could all understand, so I never felt left out in any way. Plus they were always really nice to me.

Is this only about language or do you feel that they actually don't like you?

I definitely think they should make more of an effort, and that your husband should exert more pressure on them.
The alternative is that you don't show up, and they don't get to see their grandchild...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who are saying it is wrong to ask the in-laws to speak a common language- are you serious?! What is op expected to do- just sit there and be ignored the whole time?! What a ridiculous concept. I would start implementing a rule that if a common language is not used then the op's presence isn't wanted or needed so she simply won't be around them. And any children are an extention of her.

So when you marry into a family, you now have the right to tell them that in their home, in their family they now have to speak their second language or whatever common language just to accommodate you? And you want to lay down the law about it.
"Honey, I know that your 80 yr old parents and 25 cousins are all native Farsi speakers and that is you all primarily communicate in this PRE-EXISTING family, but there is a new sheriff in town and I say their comfort be damned, you speak MY language or I am taking all my marbles( honey you are the marbles) home !"

NP. This is being overly dramatic. The in-laws generally aren't 80. Mine were early 50's and have worked for the past 30 years in a company speaking English daily. It's not about a new sheriff being in town. I never expected my in-laws to only speak English, I understand it's their native language and what they are use to but yes I did expect a little bit of English because when I was first married I wanted to get to know them. Also when they pointed at me and spoke it made me uncomfortable, when they stood in front of me looking me up and down speaking in another language and then all laughed yes I was uncomfortable.

What was their attitude - I was the minority in their family and I should adapt. Yes said in those words. This pre-existing family can sometimes be so scared of losing their cultural identity they are rude and obnoxious to outsiders. I didn't know this until I was married. And yes I even asked for my MIL's recipes to show an interest in her culture, I am still waiting for those and yes I shared my recipes. Thanking her for dinner if she cooked was left with her and SIL laughing at me and speaking in their language about me whilst DH was out of the room, I still to this day don't know what is so funny about thanking her for dinner and telling her that the meal was lovely. She never replied to me in English after I thanked her and this happened on more than one occasion. Lost marbles I would say that rests solely with the family.

Not speaking a language can be used to exclude, language can be used as a weapon to be nasty. You have obviously never dealt with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Learn Cantonese. It will benefit your kids. My husband and I speak Spanish. When we have family gatherings with my parents, brother and his wife (who doesn't speak Spanish) it is annoying to have to switch back to Spanish. I want my kids to hear and speak Spanish. Certain words and conversations work out better in Spanish. We tend to go back and forth between languages depending on the topic.

Agreed. Don’t make your husband and parents give up the natural communication they have. You are being selfish. My husband did this and it made the few gatherings I had with my family so uncomfortable and forced, and it made it hard for our kids to learn the language. Eventually I just tried to see my family without DH as often as I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, what? You're all out at dinner, you don't speak their language but they speak yours, and they refuse to speak your language and just carry on as if you weren't there?? That's one of the rudest things I've ever heard.

The great thing is that now you have a chance to do whatever you want for that time DH can go have dinner with his parents every month or so, and you get a night to relax.

And if anyone seriously expects you to attend although they talk around you as if you weren't in the room, you should laugh in their face.

Yes, people told me I was rude to expect them to speak English but I invite any of these posters that think it is so rude, to sit at a table out at a restaurant for two hours, having to look interested in the conversation whilst not having an idea what is being said.

You can't get on your phone or use any other means to entertain yourself, otherwise you are rude and they get upset.

Now for all those posters, go visit people at their house and sit there unable to understand or interact and not be able to entertain yourself. Yes you ask them a question in English, they respond and go straight back to native language. You can't watch TV, can't get on your phone, you are expected to sit there.

Do you really all think this is rude to not enjoy this and want some balance? There was one solution for me, to give up and not see them. Now ML complains that the dinners and vacations have stopped.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, craziness? OP should learn Cantonese? Because it is such an easy thing to do!
They are rude, tell them until they hear you, as your dh is too much of a pu**y.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Learn Cantonese. It will benefit your kids. My husband and I speak Spanish. When we have family gatherings with my parents, brother and his wife (who doesn't speak Spanish) it is annoying to have to switch back to Spanish. I want my kids to hear and speak Spanish. Certain words and conversations work out better in Spanish. We tend to go back and forth between languages depending on the topic.

Agreed. Don’t make your husband and parents give up the natural communication they have. You are being selfish. My husband did this and it made the few gatherings I had with my family so uncomfortable and forced, and it made it hard for our kids to learn the language. Eventually I just tried to see my family without DH as often as I could.

Good god people! Are you all drunk tonight?! Imagine if I spoke my language only with my kids when my English speaking ILS are here for a week? Totally not engaging them, unless they ask me a direct question?! Sober up people, it doesn't sound like OP lives in China!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just make the husband translate. You can't change their culture or native language to be yours. Asians from strongly Confucian-influenced countries often have a different family dynamic from that of non-Confucian Asians. They fully expect a DIL to accommodate them, that she should be waiting on them and taking care of them, and that they basically own her and their son. So it's her problem if she can't speak their language.

And in general, people who are from very provincial backgrounds always speak their language in front of people who don't understand it. They don't know better, and don't care.

I try to be good natured about it with my in-laws, as they mostly don't mean harm. They're always shocked that my American attitudes are so different from theirs on so many basic things, since otherwise they consider me a good person.

Well, now I have heard it all! So much for self cultivation, self creation, virtue, benevolence and compassion! I guess, all that as long as DIL washes my feet still. Like democracy in Ancient Greece and in the early U.S. good for FIL, but not for DIL!