My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present

[Anonymous]

My husband's family speak Cantonese. They can understand and speak English well, maybe even better than myself. I requested my husband to ask them to speak English when I am around so I don't feel excluded. He said he mentioned but they show no change and he said it is not comfortable for them to speak English. Then later, his execute is they don't have other chance to speak Cantonese if they even now have to talk to each other in English.
They only speak English when they talk to me. My argument is I am not comfortable with not understanding what they talking about when I am around. I can't get to know them nor join any conversation at all and feel left out all the time. It become incredibly annoying when we eat out because I will be super bored to just sit and eat.
I can't change them so eventually I am very quiet when them are around. I only answer their questions. I don't know them well to even start any conversation and feel distance to them. Now that we have a daughter and this issue becomes worse to me because I don't know what they are saying to her.
Should I make it a big deal? Should I ignore it? How should I deal with it?

[Anonymous]

They are being INCREDIBLY rude, and if your husband cannot see that, you're in a tough spot.

Your husband should tell his parents that unless they can use a common tongue when you are all together, then no more get-togethers (he can drop by to say hi every once in a while, ans speak Cantonese with them, but when you're there, you all use a common language).

It's all about your husband recognizing that his priority and his nuclear family is you and the kids, not his parents anymore.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Forgot to say, my ILs are Vietnamese, and they do their best to speak my own language with me.

[Anonymous]

OP, this could actually be a good thing.

Now that you have a kid, let your ILs speak in their own language as much as they want - to each other, to your spouse and to your kid.

That way your kid will become bi-lingual. Remember, that if they say anything bad about you in front of your kid - sooner or later - your kid will spill it to you. You can confront them then.

In the meantime, your kid is learning the language and you really do not need to have a conversation with your ILs. When they need something from you - they will speak in English. Otherwise, you can ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
They are being INCREDIBLY rude, and if your husband cannot see that, you're in a tough spot.

Your husband should tell his parents that unless they can use a common tongue when you are all together, then no more get-togethers (he can drop by to say hi every once in a while, ans speak Cantonese with them, but when you're there, you all use a common language).

It's all about your husband recognizing that his priority and his nuclear family is you and the kids, not his parents anymore.

Good luck!

Ha - ha! You have no understanding of an Asian family dynamics. Your suggestion is destructive to the family. I can bet that your race, culture and the state of your marriage is no way like the OPs.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure why you can't start a conversation.

It may be that you are so quiet and uninvolved that they figure you have no interest in the conversation.

Start conversations, join conversations, make comments.

[Anonymous]

Speak to them in English. They will reply back in English.

[Anonymous]

Learn Cantonese. It will benefit your kids. My husband and I speak Spanish. When we have family gatherings with my parents, brother and his wife (who doesn't speak Spanish) it is annoying to have to switch back to Spanish. I want my kids to hear and speak Spanish. Certain words and conversations work out better in Spanish. We tend to go back and forth between languages depending on the topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They are being INCREDIBLY rude, and if your husband cannot see that, you're in a tough spot.

Your husband should tell his parents that unless they can use a common tongue when you are all together, then no more get-togethers (he can drop by to say hi every once in a while, ans speak Cantonese with them, but when you're there, you all use a common language).

It's all about your husband recognizing that his priority and his nuclear family is you and the kids, not his parents anymore.

Good luck!

Ha - ha! You have no understanding of an Asian family dynamics. Your suggestion is destructive to the family. I can bet that your race, culture and the state of your marriage is no way like the OPs.

I AM Asian, you idiot.

Just not the same nationality as my ILs. I have NEVER seen that kind of dynamic in any of my extended family or friends' families. There are the stereotypes, and there is reality. Unfortunately, OP seems to have fallen into the stereotypical hierarchical Asian family... or not! Hopefully her husband will see the light.

And I agree with another PP to learn a bit of Cantonese, it never hurts. But the premise that the DIL should make all the effort is obnoxious!

[Anonymous]

You are ME about 18 years ago except this started before DH and I were married. DH is from DC but we weren't in this area when we started dating and then living together so I didn't know until way late this was an issue. We moved here together. My family is out west but all of DH's family live near us. My ILs are Spanish speakers - and it wasn't my MIL/FIL doing this but the whole extended family. The entire family could speak English, all of them worked in jobs where they had to speak English and more than half of them had been educated here. They would even leave messages on our home answering machine (remember this was 18 years ago) in Spanish - even the relatives that were the same age as DH and with whom he'd only conversed in English growing up. I was working for an international organization when I met DH, am multi-lingual and have lived all over the world. I couldn't speak Spanish but could understand a lot. Didn't matter. If I didn't greet his family members first, no one would greet me at all. When I tried to strike up conversations, they'd answer my question in English and then literally turn their back on me and speak to someone else or just walk away. If I tried to join a group, they'd refuse to make eye contact with me - they were pretending I wasn't there. I'd spent a lot of time in countries where I didn't speak the local language but had never been so deliberately excluded.

Then BF/now DH refused to address the issue with his family. We had to go to counseling over the issue. DH's suggestion was for me to learn Spanish but this issue wasn't about language. It's about respect and courtesy. After one egregious incident, I left and then refused to attend any of his family events. I was don't trying. Of course, I then got pissed at DH for going to the events. Not a healthy dynamic and I decided things weren't going to work between us. l deserved better and wasn't willing to be with a man who would allow his family to treat me in such a manner. (God, I still get pissed about it). I started calling wedding vendors to cancel and went to house sit for a friend. I have a lot of friends in the area and have a great support network. I didn't (and still don't) need his family for anything.

In the end, DH did address the issue with his family. We got married in a small ceremony that we paid for so it was easily to eliminate the worst offenders. It wasn't until after we had our first kid (about 5 years after the wedding) that things started to really thaw. More non-Spanish speakers married into the family and I think his side of the family realized our kids wouldn't know their side of the family unless they were more welcoming (they are right). I still don't like many in DH's family but can tolerate most of them. There are a few that continue to be such fucking assholes - and are allowed to be assholes - that the kids and I don't go to events they're at or I pointedly avoid them. If the family isn't going to deal with them, I feel no need to subject myself and my kids to them.

I feel for you, OP. Your DH needs to realize this isn't about language. This is about basic courtesy and respect.

[Anonymous]

I am a white American married to a Vietnamese man (for about a decade now). In general, it's pretty culturally inappropriate to ask Asian in-laws to accommodate you vs. you accommodating them. Plus, I think that sort of demand is pretty rude since they are trying to connect as a family in their native language. Imagine being asked to speak to your parents only in a second language every time you spent time together -- could you really feel like you communicated with them as deeply as you would have in your native language?

In addition to my in-laws, many of DH's friends are Vietnamese and English is a second language for all of them (they are not Vietnamese-American but have all immigrated here at some point). All are very well educated (most work for WB/IMF or similar) and friendly, polite, and kind.

I NEVER expect a group of non-native speakers of English to speak in my presence only in English. How obtuse and rude would that be? Let's say I am the only non-Vietnamese speaker in the room (as I often am) -- is it really fair to ask everyone else to speak English? No. Is it fair to ask my in-laws, who are older, traditional Asian people, to accommodate a single daughter-in-law at family gatherings? No.

In larger groups, there are usually a few people who chat with me in English and the rest talk in Vietnamese. With my family, they either speak to me in English when directly addressing me or speak in Vietnamese to the larger group. Sometimes I don't understand everything. Sometimes I do. One huge benefit of this arrangement is that I have learned a LOT of the language and culture (I also have taken occasional classes and have a textbook to learn more), and my son is essentially perfectly bilingual thanks to the exposure.

If you want to know what they are saying, why don't you put in some effort to learn Cantonese? Speaking as an adult learner of a tonal Asian language, it's doable. And you will forge a greater bond with your spouse, learn along with your child, and deepen your relationship with your extended family by doing so. It's certainly a preferable course of action to demanding everyone else speak a second language to accommodate you.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for studying Cantonese. It might not be "fair" or whatever -- but it is the best possible solution.

[Anonymous]

Think of your kids. They are learning to be bi-lingual organically.

Maybe you should speak to your kids in Vietnamese and they can speak to your kids in Cantonese.

This way your children will be trilingual before you know it.

And then if they can learn Spanish in middle school - the world is their oyster!

Win-win-win!

[Anonymous]

I can understand both sides. I am an American Born Chinese whose parents met in the US and raised their family. My parents speak exclusively Shanghainese to each other, but will speak Mandarin to me and my siblings. Both of my parents worked for over 30 years in the US so they both can communicate easily in (albeit broken) English. The things is that sometimes they just forget. What worked for me is that when we are together, if they speak in Mandarin to me, I'll try to respond in English and have a running commentary translating what they say to my wife. Usually mid-stream they'll slip back into English. The problem is that even after 60 years in the US, there are some things (idioms, popular culture, current event references, etc) that they just don't understand and despite speaking English for 60+ years, it's still their second language and Chinese is still their first language. So sometimes I have to explain things to them in Mandarin because it will easier and faster to explain. When I'm going for easier and faster, I can't always top to translate back to English. Fortunately after 12 years of marriage and 14 years together, my wife is understanding about those situations. I try to catch her up at my earliest opportunity. It's work for the spouse/child in the middle, but that's the person that has to build the bridges between his/her spouse and parents. (S)He's the one with the vested interest in family harmony and not having in-fighting going on around him/her.

Also, try to learn some basic vocabulary. If you learn some basic vocabulary, you often will know enough about your partner and what he'll talk about to be able to follow a conversation from the words you know. In my family, we often speak Chinglish (Mandarin Chinese with a few English words sprinkled in). When I was in college, my best friend/roommate used to listen to my conversations with my parents and afterwards would try to tell me what the conversation was about based on the scattered English words. He was amazingly accurate. My wife has started to perfect this skill too and if I "recap", sometimes she'll have me breeze over parts that she got.

In your case, your spouse and in-laws probably don't use too many English words (although there are many words that just don't translate well, so the word in the original language is just best), but the concept also works well if you learn a handful of Cantonese words.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you 22:07 PP for understanding my feeling. It is about courtesy and respect. Also thank you 22:21 PP for showing me another side of this matter. It is very true that it it is not fair for everyone else to accommodate 1 person. Also thank to those learning Cantonese advice.

I tried learning Cantonese in the few year we were dating when they actually spoke more English when I came over. Because of the feelings of welcoming from them, I felt I need to learn the language to be part of the family and I could understand a handful of Cantonese words to guess some of the conversation . But when we live together before marry, they spoke less English. I felt disrespectful and brought the subject up to my husband attention. He then told me to learn Cantonese. He doesn't always translate the conversation unless I ask or if he want to share. Sometimes I heard my name in their conversation but no one would translate it. I lovefor my daughter to speak and understand multi language, I just dont want them to tell her something that I am not allow her to do ( due to different parenting style) and i I will not catch it if I don't understand.