I think it is perfectly fine for them to have conversation with DH in their own language. You don't need to be a part of every conversation they have. You can't expect them to not speak to their child in their own language.
However if you are all at dinner or sitting around together where it is a context that you are a part of the conversation and the only reason you can't participate is due to language, then they should speak English. |
Dp. I'm asuming you meant switch back to english. However, I do think you should try to include your Sil. I'm assuming your children won't suffer if they hear a little English since they are with you most of the time. Don't most people want children to speak mulitiple languages? Plus. How lonely it is to be that Sil? |
Don’t be selfish? You say that while you and your parents talk around your DH as if he wasn’t in the room, and you get annoyed at how “uncomfortable” it is that you need to show basic courtesy by including him? How uncomfortable do you think HE felt? I sure hope you didn’t imply that you actually wanted him to attend those gatherings with “YOUR” family. |
Completely new poster.
You have a husband problem. He should be bringing you into the conversation, and translating to bring you in. |
If you sit next to each other, you can poke him! Much easier! |
Sounds like you should move to a Spanish-speaking country. |
If they’re coming to your house once a week and speaking nonstop Cantonese, that would be annoying. I would just pick up your daughter and go to another room. Consider it a visit to your DH. It’s not family time if they don’t want to talk to you.
If your DH says something, you just smile and say “I’m sorry I didn’t realize you wanted me to stay!” (Then rinse and repeat) You need to set the pattern that when they speak Cantonese you leave the room with your daughter. When you’re out at a restaurant, there’s not much you can do, except wait, but at home you leave the room. At home you can get a book, or just talk to your daughter or do something else. Don’t just sit in the living room staring into space while they refuse to speak a language you understand. Reframe it in your mind as they are so comfortable around you that they don’t feel the need to speak English. You can be comfortable enough with them to read a book, go to another room, etc. |
How would the situation be any different in a Spanish speaking country? They would still have the SIL who doesn’t speak Spanish, how would changing the setting make any difference whatsoever? |
So what I’m learning here is that my three kids shouldn’t marry someone from a different culture. It’s just too much to expect them to change or accommodate my kids. |
Let’s leave language out of it. OP’s fiancé’s family won’t talk to her, brings in an ex girlfriend (I’ll wager theywant him to marry this girl), and then complains if OP isn’t 100% accepting of this. How is that acceptable. |
Absolutely. And remember its 100% your decision who they marry. |
Exactly, using language to exclude is an indication of much larger problems. I'm surprised other posters don't get this. |
+1! The only thing that got me was this part. Why on earth would OP's DH be OK with this?? For the language part, I might be weird but I actually don't mind/ find it kind of a relief that I don't understand the conversation when DH and extended family are talking. Like, I just assume it's 90% small talk anyway so I'm glad to have an excuse to be doing something else lol. We only see them about once a year and I think it's good that my kids are exposed to hearing a language that is foreign to them, just to pique their interest. Though the difference from OP is that I (nor in laws) think it's rude to be on my phone when they are engaged with each other, so I just normally sit and pretend I'm searching for stuff/ texting ppl back, etc. |
Op what is your first language? That may actually help us understand some of the dynamics. Are you a mandarin speaker or not Chinese at all? |
Apparently hosting people doesn't matter in this thread, having people to your house for dinner as guests and then totally excluding them is now considered perfectly fine hosting manners. Wow is all I can say. I couldn't ever in my life imagine inviting someone to dinner and then speaking in another language so they sit there all night excluded and confused. I also got DH to translate but if you've ever tried that and had a three way conversation you will soon find out it's hard. Eventually it worked in my favour. I stopped wanting to interact with MIL and was so happy the language problem existed. I could see her and ignore her. Now all these years later she speaks English in my presence, she could do it all along, she chose not to. It's a little late for me, I keep her at a distance. |