My in-laws refuse to speak English in my present

[Anonymous]

How about this as a compromise since everyone has legit feelings? Ask your husband to respond in English when speaking w his parents or a combo of English / Cantonese in ur presence? It's tough to change older people's habits, but should be relatively easy for ur DH. That way you are at least clued in on the convo and won't feel too left out. We speak mandarin in our family, but not my SIL, so this is what I do.

[Anonymous]

To those who are saying it is wrong to ask the in-laws to speak a common language- are you serious?! What is op expected to do- just sit there and be ignored the whole time?! What a ridiculous concept. I would start implementing a rule that if a common language is not used then the op's presence isn't wanted or needed so she simply won't be around them. And any children are an extention of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To those who are saying it is wrong to ask the in-laws to speak a common language- are you serious?! What is op expected to do- just sit there and be ignored the whole time?! What a ridiculous concept. I would start implementing a rule that if a common language is not used then the op's presence isn't wanted or needed so she simply won't be around them. And any children are an extention of her.

Be careful. In some Asian families and cultures, that's essentially saying you want a divorce. For some Asian cultures, the younger generation is supposed to cater to the older generation, so a younger daughter-in-law who won't even learn the language of her husband and his family is considered the disrespectful one. Whether you agree with this or not, when you choose to marry into a culture, you need to learn what you can about the culture so you go in with your eyes wide open, otherwise, it's just a big mistake waiting to happen to everyone. You can't go and marry someone who comes from a very traditional Asian family and then expect to make all of them change to cater to your modern liberal views. If you do, you are setting up both yourself and your in-laws for an unpleasant family relationship for many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who are saying it is wrong to ask the in-laws to speak a common language- are you serious?! What is op expected to do- just sit there and be ignored the whole time?! What a ridiculous concept. I would start implementing a rule that if a common language is not used then the op's presence isn't wanted or needed so she simply won't be around them. And any children are an extention of her.

Be careful. In some Asian families and cultures, that's essentially saying you want a divorce. For some Asian cultures, the younger generation is supposed to cater to the older generation, so a younger daughter-in-law who won't even learn the language of her husband and his family is considered the disrespectful one. Whether you agree with this or not, when you choose to marry into a culture, you need to learn what you can about the culture so you go in with your eyes wide open, otherwise, it's just a big mistake waiting to happen to everyone. You can't go and marry someone who comes from a very traditional Asian family and then expect to make all of them change to cater to your modern liberal views. If you do, you are setting up both yourself and your in-laws for an unpleasant family relationship for many years.

i understand that, but what your basically saying is bend over and take it. to me, thats no way to live- always being a subservient doormat. if they can speak the common language of the country, its only common courtesy to make their DIL feel welcome, which they are not doing at all. and what about the husband? why did he even get married if he is not going to stand up and defend his wife? and you say that standing up for yourself is setting yourself up for an unpleasant family relationship? how is that any different to what she is experiencing now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To those who are saying it is wrong to ask the in-laws to speak a common language- are you serious?! What is op expected to do- just sit there and be ignored the whole time?! What a ridiculous concept. I would start implementing a rule that if a common language is not used then the op's presence isn't wanted or needed so she simply won't be around them. And any children are an extention of her.

So when you marry into a family, you now have the right to tell them that in their home, in their family they now have to speak their second language or whatever common language just to accommodate you? And you want to lay down the law about it.
"Honey, I know that your 80 yr old parents and 25 cousins are all native Farsi speakers and that is you all primarily communicate in this PRE-EXISTING family, but there is a new sheriff in town and I say their comfort be damned, you speak MY language or I am taking all my marbles( honey you are the marbles) home !"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about this as a compromise since everyone has legit feelings? Ask your husband to respond in English when speaking w his parents or a combo of English / Cantonese in ur presence? It's tough to change older people's habits, but should be relatively easy for ur DH. That way you are at least clued in on the convo and won't feel too left out. We speak mandarin in our family, but not my SIL, so this is what I do.

This seems like a legitimate approach--and you need to take it to him. Be very clear that the language barrier is harming your relationship with his parents, and you are becoming less and less willing to spend time with them. You are not going to be able to become fluent in Catonese, but you made an effort to learn some. It is time now for him to step up and make the effort to be the bridge between you and his parents, if they won't speak English.

And I have to say, anyone who moves to America and sees their child marry an American and still expects a "traditional Asian DIL" is setting themselves up to fail. It is a completely unrealistic expectation, and it is not the DIL's fault if they fail to adjust to the situation before them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They are being INCREDIBLY rude, and if your husband cannot see that, you're in a tough spot.

Your husband should tell his parents that unless they can use a common tongue when you are all together, then no more get-togethers (he can drop by to say hi every once in a while, ans speak Cantonese with them, but when you're there, you all use a common language).

It's all about your husband recognizing that his priority and his nuclear family is you and the kids, not his parents anymore.

Good luck!

Ha - ha! You have no understanding of an Asian family dynamics. Your suggestion is destructive to the family. I can bet that your race, culture and the state of your marriage is no way like the OPs.

What a horrible attitude. I'm so glad my Korean in-laws are nothing like you. Most of them don't speak english (they all live in Korea) so yes, most conversation at DH's family gatherings is unintelligible to me. Nevertheless, they all try very hard to go out of their way to make me feel included. My MIL in particular who has has never had a reason to learn a word of English and is in her 60s, is now learning basic English vocabulary just so that we can communicate. (Usually it's adorably wrong, but then so are my attempts to speak Korean.)

OP, I feel for you, your in-laws sound like jerks. I'm sure if my in-laws spoke English they would speak it much more often in my presence. Probably not 100% of the time but they would certainly make an effort so I wouldn't feel excluded. That's just basic human decency... has nothing to do with being Asian or not.

[Anonymous]

Bring a book. Ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bring a book. Ignore them.

Then why bother going at all?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who are saying it is wrong to ask the in-laws to speak a common language- are you serious?! What is op expected to do- just sit there and be ignored the whole time?! What a ridiculous concept. I would start implementing a rule that if a common language is not used then the op's presence isn't wanted or needed so she simply won't be around them. And any children are an extention of her.

So when you marry into a family, you now have the right to tell them that in their home, in their family they now have to speak their second language or whatever common language just to accommodate you? And you want to lay down the law about it.
"Honey, I know that your 80 yr old parents and 25 cousins are all native Farsi speakers and that is you all primarily communicate in this PRE-EXISTING family, but there is a new sheriff in town and I say their comfort be damned, you speak MY language or I am taking all my marbles( honey you are the marbles) home !"

Your example is bullshit. If your ILs are accustomed to going on racist rants, you should just listen to it because it's their home, their family, their culture? The language issue isn't any different. It's about making someone feel comfortable and welcome - whether it's in their home or anywhere else. I've spent a lot of time in Africa where people speak at least 3 local dialects languages. When greeting someone from another tribe, you spoke to the person in their language and they replied back in your language - to show respect. To converse in a language you knew someone couldn't understand, and you had the capability of speaking a common tongue, would have been unforgivably rude. You are literally telling that person you don't want them there.

I don't know what you're point about a 'PRE-EXISTING' family is. Families are static, they're dynamic. If you're not willing to welcome someone into your home, don't be surprised if they don't allow their kids to come.

[Anonymous]

They are being inconsiderate and rude. I'm Indian and ever since we were young, my dad always said that when we have non Indian guests over/vice versa, we always speak in English as to not make anyone feel left out. The fact that your inlaws seem to purposely speak their native language when you are with them, ignoring you, is just plain rude and disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

My ex husbands family would do this all of the time. One of the things that I came to hate about marrying into a non-American family. I spoke to my ex about it all the time and nothing ever changed. It's not an issue since we are no longer married and I must say that I have vowed to never marry someone who isn't american again.

[Anonymous]

This isn't a new issue. My family is from a part of the midwest settled by Germans in the 1810s. Well into the 20th century, they were still speaking German, attending German language schools and German language churches My 104 year old grandmother was 4th generation American and her mother's family was one of those families whose first language was German. Her father spoke no German and her mother insisted people speak English when he was around because she didn't want him to feel left out. He did, though, allow my grandmother to attend school that was taught in German. However, they attended English language church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who are saying it is wrong to ask the in-laws to speak a common language- are you serious?! What is op expected to do- just sit there and be ignored the whole time?! What a ridiculous concept. I would start implementing a rule that if a common language is not used then the op's presence isn't wanted or needed so she simply won't be around them. And any children are an extention of her.

So when you marry into a family, you now have the right to tell them that in their home, in their family they now have to speak their second language or whatever common language just to accommodate you? And you want to lay down the law about it.
"Honey, I know that your 80 yr old parents and 25 cousins are all native Farsi speakers and that is you all primarily communicate in this PRE-EXISTING family, but there is a new sheriff in town and I say their comfort be damned, you speak MY language or I am taking all my marbles( honey you are the marbles) home !"

Your example is bullshit. If your ILs are accustomed to going on racist rants, you should just listen to it because it's their home, their family, their culture? The language issue isn't any different. It's about making someone feel comfortable and welcome - whether it's in their home or anywhere else. I've spent a lot of time in Africa where people speak at least 3 local dialects languages. When greeting someone from another tribe, you spoke to the person in their language and they replied back in your language - to show respect. To converse in a language you knew someone couldn't understand, and you had the capability of speaking a common tongue, would have been unforgivably rude. You are literally telling that person you don't want them there.

I don't know what you're point about a 'PRE-EXISTING' family is. Families are static, they're dynamic. If you're not willing to welcome someone into your home, don't be surprised if they don't allow their kids to come.

Africa is a continent containing many countries. Who said anything about racist rants, who?
The point was not making it a zero sum game. OP needs to make it less about, do this or else and use a lite more savvy and finesse to make them
Feel mor comfortable and inclusive. Maybe learn a little Cantonese. But to say make your family do what I want is the number one way NOT to get it.
By the way pp, you sound unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Africa is a continent containing many countries. Who said anything about racist rants, who?
The point was not making it a zero sum game. OP needs to make it less about, do this or else and use a lite more savvy and finesse to make them
Feel mor comfortable and inclusive. Maybe learn a little Cantonese. But to say make your family do what I want is the number one way NOT to get it.
By the way pp, you sound unhinged.

Huh?