Please help me not lose my patience or mind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

TheNewGirl wrote:SHE IS 90. Just back off. You are an adult with a healthy grandmother. Do you know how lucky you are?!

Oh my, to even have one single older female relative! If only! She could boss me around all she wanted, and say what she wants.

At age 90, she has earned the right to say what she likes.

Being old is not an excuse for being a jerk. I don't care who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Turn a deaf ear or just tell her to back off (don't be mean though).

Also, show your parents some extra love and support - they had to deal with granny day in and out….

God bless your parents!

So true! And, can you get some ear plugs so you don't have to actually listen to her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've already posted a few times on thread (I'm the one going to scrape butter off strangers' toast....jk) but really i'm impressed with your grandmother. She is making some lucid comments and seems to know what she is talking about. She could be saying stuff like 20:26's grandmother. I bet she was a competent mother herself at the time. You have good genes.

Are you joking again? I'm really not trying to be snarky, it just that other people are talking about loss of filters and dementia and you're saying she sounds lucid? Knows what she's talking about?

What I would like to know is if she has always been a critical person or if this behavior is new for her. If she used to be a doll, then I would go with all the dementia/aging votes and fall in the take a deep breath and just do your best to get through as politely as possible, but if she has always been very critical of others, then it's just her and her age is irrelevant (i.e., she should be told to stop in no uncertain terms).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've already posted a few times on thread (I'm the one going to scrape butter off strangers' toast....jk) but really i'm impressed with your grandmother. She is making some lucid comments and seems to know what she is talking about. She could be saying stuff like 20:26's grandmother. I bet she was a competent mother herself at the time. You have good genes.

Are you joking again? I'm really not trying to be snarky, it just that other people are talking about loss of filters and dementia and you're saying she sounds lucid? Knows what she's talking about?

What I would like to know is if she has always been a critical person or if this behavior is new for her. If she used to be a doll, then I would go with all the dementia/aging votes and fall in the take a deep breath and just do your best to get through as politely as possible, but if she has always been very critical of others, then it's just her and her age is irrelevant (i.e., she should be told to stop in no uncertain terms).

OP here. She's always had strong opinions but it has definitely gotten worse over the years so I think it's a combination of both. She's always been somewhat critical but it's worse with her age. I think she just thinks because she's 90 she can say whatever she wants. She also thinks just because she's 90 she knows everything about everything. She had 1 child that she raised 60 years ago. I have 3 which is vastly different and much harder than 1. She also tries to give her opinion about things she knows nothing about like breastfeeding. She never nursed. I've nursed 3 children but somehow she thinks she knows more.

I do really love my grandmother. I appreciate all the helpful comments. Honestly, I feel better able to deal with the next week just having discussed it here. Oh and I should add I have the utmost empathy for my parents but I knew that before these 2 weeks. My mother is an only child as is my grandmother so we have NO other family to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've already posted a few times on thread (I'm the one going to scrape butter off strangers' toast....jk) but really i'm impressed with your grandmother. She is making some lucid comments and seems to know what she is talking about. She could be saying stuff like 20:26's grandmother. I bet she was a competent mother herself at the time. You have good genes.

Are you joking again? I'm really not trying to be snarky, it just that other people are talking about loss of filters and dementia and you're saying she sounds lucid? Knows what she's talking about?

What I would like to know is if she has always been a critical person or if this behavior is new for her. If she used to be a doll, then I would go with all the dementia/aging votes and fall in the take a deep breath and just do your best to get through as politely as possible, but if she has always been very critical of others, then it's just her and her age is irrelevant (i.e., she should be told to stop in no uncertain terms).

She is saying they eat too much butter, not trying to feed them vaseline or pouring dish soap in oj glasses. Lots of lucid people have problems with the amount of butter people eat (I'm not one of them). She was also talking about the kid's shoe size, not reminiscing about her first pair of leather shoes her grandfather made for her out of a dead deer back on the farm when she was 4. She's noticing what's going on around her, and pretty accurately. Good for her. When I'm that age (when i'm not scraping the butter off of the toast of strangers) I'm going to be sitting in a rocking chair spacing out.

As far as being told to stop in no uncertain terms -- I guess you don't think that older generations have seniority, have earned respect, etc. SHE raised OP's mom or dad. She is not to be told "in no uncertain terms" by her granddaughter to be quiet. How absurd. Good god, if you can't even respect a 90 year old grandmother then -- I'm speechless. She trumps OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've already posted a few times on thread (I'm the one going to scrape butter off strangers' toast....jk) but really i'm impressed with your grandmother. She is making some lucid comments and seems to know what she is talking about. She could be saying stuff like 20:26's grandmother. I bet she was a competent mother herself at the time. You have good genes.

Are you joking again? I'm really not trying to be snarky, it just that other people are talking about loss of filters and dementia and you're saying she sounds lucid? Knows what she's talking about?

What I would like to know is if she has always been a critical person or if this behavior is new for her. If she used to be a doll, then I would go with all the dementia/aging votes and fall in the take a deep breath and just do your best to get through as politely as possible, but if she has always been very critical of others, then it's just her and her age is irrelevant (i.e., she should be told to stop in no uncertain terms).

She is saying they eat too much butter, not trying to feed them vaseline or pouring dish soap in oj glasses. Lots of lucid people have problems with the amount of butter people eat (I'm not one of them). She was also talking about the kid's shoe size, not reminiscing about her first pair of leather shoes her grandfather made for her out of a dead deer back on the farm when she was 4. She's noticing what's going on around her, and pretty accurately. Good for her. When I'm that age (when i'm not scraping the butter off of the toast of strangers) I'm going to be sitting in a rocking chair spacing out.

As far as being told to stop in no uncertain terms -- I guess you don't think that older generations have seniority, have earned respect, etc. SHE raised OP's mom or dad. She is not to be told "in no uncertain terms" by her granddaughter to be quiet. How absurd. Good god, if you can't even respect a 90 year old grandmother then -- I'm speechless. She trumps OP.

I find it hard to believe you are for real and not a troll. Grandma is in the moment, sure, but she is out of control! My grandmother turns 90 in the fall and she is not only lucid, she still lives in her own house and works part time. How about them apples? She would never talk to me like this woman is talking to her granddaughter. I respect her greatly and value her advice.

But respecting your elders does not translate into tolerating repeated rudeness and bullying. Age is no excuse for rudeness; dementia, maybe, but just being a senior? If she is so wise and seasoned, she should know better.

I never said OP should be rude back. There are ways to tell people "in no uncertain terms" that you find their behavior unacceptable without being rude. Why would you assume it would have to be mean and disrespectful? Because you know no other way? It can be done in a polite but firm manner. Several previous posters have made excellent suggestions on how to do this.

I have a sneaking suspicion that you are a busy-body know-it-all type who tortures your relative with your sage advise just like this grandmother and so you think this behavior is acceptable. It is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've already posted a few times on thread (I'm the one going to scrape butter off strangers' toast....jk) but really i'm impressed with your grandmother. She is making some lucid comments and seems to know what she is talking about. She could be saying stuff like 20:26's grandmother. I bet she was a competent mother herself at the time. You have good genes.

Are you joking again? I'm really not trying to be snarky, it just that other people are talking about loss of filters and dementia and you're saying she sounds lucid? Knows what she's talking about?

What I would like to know is if she has always been a critical person or if this behavior is new for her. If she used to be a doll, then I would go with all the dementia/aging votes and fall in the take a deep breath and just do your best to get through as politely as possible, but if she has always been very critical of others, then it's just her and her age is irrelevant (i.e., she should be told to stop in no uncertain terms).

She is saying they eat too much butter, not trying to feed them vaseline or pouring dish soap in oj glasses. Lots of lucid people have problems with the amount of butter people eat (I'm not one of them). She was also talking about the kid's shoe size, not reminiscing about her first pair of leather shoes her grandfather made for her out of a dead deer back on the farm when she was 4. She's noticing what's going on around her, and pretty accurately. Good for her. When I'm that age (when i'm not scraping the butter off of the toast of strangers) I'm going to be sitting in a rocking chair spacing out.

As far as being told to stop in no uncertain terms -- I guess you don't think that older generations have seniority, have earned respect, etc. SHE raised OP's mom or dad. She is not to be told "in no uncertain terms" by her granddaughter to be quiet. How absurd. Good god, if you can't even respect a 90 year old grandmother then -- I'm speechless. She trumps OP.

I find it hard to believe you are for real and not a troll. Grandma is in the moment, sure, but she is out of control! My grandmother turns 90 in the fall and she is not only lucid, she still lives in her own house and works part time. How about them apples? She would never talk to me like this woman is talking to her granddaughter. I respect her greatly and value her advice.

But respecting your elders does not translate into tolerating repeated rudeness and bullying. Age is no excuse for rudeness; dementia, maybe, but just being a senior? If she is so wise and seasoned, she should know better.

I never said OP should be rude back. There are ways to tell people "in no uncertain terms" that you find their behavior unacceptable without being rude. Why would you assume it would have to be mean and disrespectful? Because you know no other way? It can be done in a polite but firm manner. Several previous posters have made excellent suggestions on how to do this.

I have a sneaking suspicion that you are a busy-body know-it-all type who tortures your relative with your sage advise just like this grandmother and so you think this behavior is acceptable. It is not.

You're pretty consistently rude in tone for someone who "knows another way" grasshopper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've already posted a few times on thread (I'm the one going to scrape butter off strangers' toast....jk) but really i'm impressed with your grandmother. She is making some lucid comments and seems to know what she is talking about. She could be saying stuff like 20:26's grandmother. I bet she was a competent mother herself at the time. You have good genes.

Are you joking again? I'm really not trying to be snarky, it just that other people are talking about loss of filters and dementia and you're saying she sounds lucid? Knows what she's talking about?

What I would like to know is if she has always been a critical person or if this behavior is new for her. If she used to be a doll, then I would go with all the dementia/aging votes and fall in the take a deep breath and just do your best to get through as politely as possible, but if she has always been very critical of others, then it's just her and her age is irrelevant (i.e., she should be told to stop in no uncertain terms).

She is saying they eat too much butter, not trying to feed them vaseline or pouring dish soap in oj glasses. Lots of lucid people have problems with the amount of butter people eat (I'm not one of them). She was also talking about the kid's shoe size, not reminiscing about her first pair of leather shoes her grandfather made for her out of a dead deer back on the farm when she was 4. She's noticing what's going on around her, and pretty accurately. Good for her. When I'm that age (when i'm not scraping the butter off of the toast of strangers) I'm going to be sitting in a rocking chair spacing out.

As far as being told to stop in no uncertain terms -- I guess you don't think that older generations have seniority, have earned respect, etc. SHE raised OP's mom or dad. She is not to be told "in no uncertain terms" by her granddaughter to be quiet. How absurd. Good god, if you can't even respect a 90 year old grandmother then -- I'm speechless. She trumps OP.

I find it hard to believe you are for real and not a troll. Grandma is in the moment, sure, but she is out of control! My grandmother turns 90 in the fall and she is not only lucid, she still lives in her own house and works part time. How about them apples? She would never talk to me like this woman is talking to her granddaughter. I respect her greatly and value her advice.

But respecting your elders does not translate into tolerating repeated rudeness and bullying. Age is no excuse for rudeness; dementia, maybe, but just being a senior? If she is so wise and seasoned, she should know better.

I never said OP should be rude back. There are ways to tell people "in no uncertain terms" that you find their behavior unacceptable without being rude. Why would you assume it would have to be mean and disrespectful? Because you know no other way? It can be done in a polite but firm manner. Several previous posters have made excellent suggestions on how to do this.

I have a sneaking suspicion that you are a busy-body know-it-all type who tortures your relative with your sage advise just like this grandmother and so you think this behavior is acceptable. It is not.

You're pretty consistently rude in tone for someone who "knows another way" grasshopper.

The truth hurts, eh? You brought it on yourself with your consistently rude and condescending posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've already posted a few times on thread (I'm the one going to scrape butter off strangers' toast....jk) but really i'm impressed with your grandmother. She is making some lucid comments and seems to know what she is talking about. She could be saying stuff like 20:26's grandmother. I bet she was a competent mother herself at the time. You have good genes.

Are you joking again? I'm really not trying to be snarky, it just that other people are talking about loss of filters and dementia and you're saying she sounds lucid? Knows what she's talking about?

What I would like to know is if she has always been a critical person or if this behavior is new for her. If she used to be a doll, then I would go with all the dementia/aging votes and fall in the take a deep breath and just do your best to get through as politely as possible, but if she has always been very critical of others, then it's just her and her age is irrelevant (i.e., she should be told to stop in no uncertain terms).

She is saying they eat too much butter, not trying to feed them vaseline or pouring dish soap in oj glasses. Lots of lucid people have problems with the amount of butter people eat (I'm not one of them). She was also talking about the kid's shoe size, not reminiscing about her first pair of leather shoes her grandfather made for her out of a dead deer back on the farm when she was 4. She's noticing what's going on around her, and pretty accurately. Good for her. When I'm that age (when i'm not scraping the butter off of the toast of strangers) I'm going to be sitting in a rocking chair spacing out.

As far as being told to stop in no uncertain terms -- I guess you don't think that older generations have seniority, have earned respect, etc. SHE raised OP's mom or dad. She is not to be told "in no uncertain terms" by her granddaughter to be quiet. How absurd. Good god, if you can't even respect a 90 year old grandmother then -- I'm speechless. She trumps OP.

I find it hard to believe you are for real and not a troll. Grandma is in the moment, sure, but she is out of control! My grandmother turns 90 in the fall and she is not only lucid, she still lives in her own house and works part time. How about them apples? She would never talk to me like this woman is talking to her granddaughter. I respect her greatly and value her advice.

But respecting your elders does not translate into tolerating repeated rudeness and bullying. Age is no excuse for rudeness; dementia, maybe, but just being a senior? If she is so wise and seasoned, she should know better.

I never said OP should be rude back. There are ways to tell people "in no uncertain terms" that you find their behavior unacceptable without being rude. Why would you assume it would have to be mean and disrespectful? Because you know no other way? It can be done in a polite but firm manner. Several previous posters have made excellent suggestions on how to do this.

I have a sneaking suspicion that you are a busy-body know-it-all type who tortures your relative with your sage advise just like this grandmother and so you think this behavior is acceptable. It is not.

You're pretty consistently rude in tone for someone who "knows another way" grasshopper.

The truth hurts, eh? You brought it on yourself with your consistently rude and condescending posts.

I give up.

[Anonymous]

Yay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yay.

NP here, not the one you're insulting. You're a dick.

Please go be rude somewhere else, like the Private School forum. Your behavior would fit right in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of times, people that age feel like a useless bump on a log. People don't really let them help (make meals, do dishes, etc) So they help instead by 'sharing advice' based on their decades of life experience. It is their way of feeling they are contributing something to the family / household. They are helping you raise the kids. Without a filter, it comes across as criticism. No need to get your knickers in a knot, just take something from what they say and turn it into a question. Ask her for recipes or ask her about how she raised her kids or ask her about her childhood or ask her to teach you something she knows (knitting etc). Make her feel useful and it will likely decrease the 'advice'.

This. OP, I know what your grandma does is trying as hell on you. But I wonder if you can look at this situation with a little empathy. Can you imagine what it is like to be 90 years old? To understand that you are old and frail, and that your time on this earth is clearly limited? You all say that it's a good thing she's lucid. Yeah, it's a good thing, but if she's lucid, she clearly has that feeling that you all know, except by 100X times more - that the body has aged but the spirit has not. Maybe she's looking for a way to feel like she's a part of the family and she's loved. Yeah, she's going about it in a weird way, but can you not be empathetic about her as a person, not just a cranky old creature? Everyone needs love. Everyone needs someone who asks them questions, who makes them feel important, who makes them feel like they matter. She does too, except in 99% of cases it isn't happening for her because people discount her.

Can you try to engage her in some way, i.e. offer her some context in which she can have a starring role, as opposed to her trying her hardest to steal bits of attention and relevance in your family by being critical? Ask her something. Ask her if she can tell kids a story about her childhood, or read a book to them. Ask her what it was like when she was little. Chances are, no one asked her that for quite a while. Give her some attention. Ask her how she and grandpa met. Ask her what your mom/dad were like when they were babies. Ask what it was like to parent without TV or Internet. Show some interest. It might help improve her disposition.

In a few years, she'll be gone and then your kids will be asking questions about her and you'll realize how little you really knew about the woman who raised one of your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've already posted a few times on thread (I'm the one going to scrape butter off strangers' toast....jk) but really i'm impressed with your grandmother. She is making some lucid comments and seems to know what she is talking about. She could be saying stuff like 20:26's grandmother. I bet she was a competent mother herself at the time. You have good genes.

Are you joking again? I'm really not trying to be snarky, it just that other people are talking about loss of filters and dementia and you're saying she sounds lucid? Knows what she's talking about?

What I would like to know is if she has always been a critical person or if this behavior is new for her. If she used to be a doll, then I would go with all the dementia/aging votes and fall in the take a deep breath and just do your best to get through as politely as possible, but if she has always been very critical of others, then it's just her and her age is irrelevant (i.e., she should be told to stop in no uncertain terms).

She is saying they eat too much butter, not trying to feed them vaseline or pouring dish soap in oj glasses. Lots of lucid people have problems with the amount of butter people eat (I'm not one of them). She was also talking about the kid's shoe size, not reminiscing about her first pair of leather shoes her grandfather made for her out of a dead deer back on the farm when she was 4. She's noticing what's going on around her, and pretty accurately. Good for her. When I'm that age (when i'm not scraping the butter off of the toast of strangers) I'm going to be sitting in a rocking chair spacing out.

As far as being told to stop in no uncertain terms -- I guess you don't think that older generations have seniority, have earned respect, etc. SHE raised OP's mom or dad. She is not to be told "in no uncertain terms" by her granddaughter to be quiet. How absurd. Good god, if you can't even respect a 90 year old grandmother then -- I'm speechless. She trumps OP.

I am from a totally different school of thought than you on respect -- I don't think age, or sex, or special class earns a person respect. I think behaving kindly, using manners, treating others as you want to be treated, etc EARNS someone respect. You have to be worthy of the respect because of who you are and how you act, not because of the date of birth on your drivers license.

And for the record, OP's grandmother is being a dick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've heard that older people start to lose their filters. My mom is a good example of this.

I've started telling my own mom who lives nearby, in the kindest and friendliest voice I can muster, that "that comment isn't very helpful" or "this is a difficult problem and it would be helpful if we're all as pleasant as we can be about it" or even, "we'll get this done a lot faster if we do it this way instead."

In other words, let her know you're all in it together, you know she wants to help, you appreciate her help (fake that part if you have to), and here's how she can make her best contribution. Use a tone of authority, to send the message that this is your family so you know what works best, and you're going to explain it to her.

I've been doing this for about two weeks now, and I'm *amazed* how well she's been taking it. She even apologized after I called her out for whining--sorry, I pointed out that her attitude made it discouraging for others.

OP here. Thanks, this is great advice. I'm going to try this tomorrow!

God, I need to do this with my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of times, people that age feel like a useless bump on a log. People don't really let them help (make meals, do dishes, etc) So they help instead by 'sharing advice' based on their decades of life experience. It is their way of feeling they are contributing something to the family / household. They are helping you raise the kids. Without a filter, it comes across as criticism. No need to get your knickers in a knot, just take something from what they say and turn it into a question. Ask her for recipes or ask her about how she raised her kids or ask her about her childhood or ask her to teach you something she knows (knitting etc). Make her feel useful and it will likely decrease the 'advice'.

This. OP, I know what your grandma does is trying as hell on you. But I wonder if you can look at this situation with a little empathy. Can you imagine what it is like to be 90 years old? To understand that you are old and frail, and that your time on this earth is clearly limited? You all say that it's a good thing she's lucid. Yeah, it's a good thing, but if she's lucid, she clearly has that feeling that you all know, except by 100X times more - that the body has aged but the spirit has not. Maybe she's looking for a way to feel like she's a part of the family and she's loved. Yeah, she's going about it in a weird way, but can you not be empathetic about her as a person, not just a cranky old creature? Everyone needs love. Everyone needs someone who asks them questions, who makes them feel important, who makes them feel like they matter. She does too, except in 99% of cases it isn't happening for her because people discount her.

Can you try to engage her in some way, i.e. offer her some context in which she can have a starring role, as opposed to her trying her hardest to steal bits of attention and relevance in your family by being critical? Ask her something. Ask her if she can tell kids a story about her childhood, or read a book to them. Ask her what it was like when she was little. Chances are, no one asked her that for quite a while. Give her some attention. Ask her how she and grandpa met. Ask her what your mom/dad were like when they were babies. Ask what it was like to parent without TV or Internet. Show some interest. It might help improve her disposition.

In a few years, she'll be gone and then your kids will be asking questions about her and you'll realize how little you really knew about the woman who raised one of your parents.

OP here. This is all great advice, thanks. A lot of this I'm already doing though. I know how hard it is for her to have lost her independence. She HATES that she can't live on her own. I've tried really hard to make her feel useful and keep telling her she's a big help to me with the children while she is staying with us. She feeds the baby for basically every feeding. She's been reading and "playing" with older DCs and has even been folding the laundry. We talk about her and her life often. We've always been very close so I've heard every story many many times (I love to hear them though so that's not a complaint). Despite all these things it's still hard hearing the constant criticism. It's actually almost harder because we are so close and I do respect her and that's why I take it so personally.