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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Lots of times, people that age feel like a useless bump on a log. People don't really let them help (make meals, do dishes, etc) So they help instead by 'sharing advice' based on their decades of life experience. It is their way of feeling they are contributing something to the family / household. They are helping you raise the kids. Without a filter, it comes across as criticism. No need to get your knickers in a knot, just take something from what they say and turn it into a question. Ask her for recipes or ask her about how she raised her kids or ask her about her childhood or ask her to teach you something she knows (knitting etc). Make her feel useful and it will likely decrease the 'advice'.[/quote]

This.  OP, I know what your grandma does is trying as hell on you.  But I wonder if you can look at this situation with a little empathy.  Can you imagine what it is like to be 90 years old? To understand that you are old and frail, and that your time on this earth is clearly limited? You all say that it's a good thing she's lucid.  Yeah, it's a good thing, but if she's lucid, she clearly has that feeling that you all know, except by 100X times more - that the body has aged but the spirit has not.  Maybe she's looking for a way to feel like she's a part of the family and she's loved.  Yeah, she's going about it in a weird way, but can you not be empathetic about her as a person, not just a cranky old creature? Everyone needs love.  Everyone needs someone who asks them questions, who makes them feel important, who makes them feel like they matter.  She does too, except in 99% of cases it isn't happening for her because people discount her.

Can you try to engage her in some way, i.e. offer her some context in which she can have a starring role, as opposed to her trying her hardest to steal bits of attention and relevance in your family by being critical? Ask her something.  Ask her if she can tell kids a story about her childhood, or read a book to them.  Ask her what it was like when she was little.  Chances are, no one asked her that for quite a while.  Give her some attention.   Ask her how she and grandpa met. Ask her what your mom/dad were like when they were babies. Ask what it was like to parent without TV or Internet.  Show some interest.  It might help improve her disposition.

In a few years, she'll be gone and then your kids will be asking questions about her and you'll realize how little you really knew about the woman who raised one of your parents. [/quote]

OP here. This is all great advice, thanks. A lot of this I'm already doing though. I know how hard it is for her to have lost her independence. She HATES that she can't live on her own. I've tried really hard to make her feel useful and keep telling her she's a big help to me with the children while she is staying with us. She feeds the baby for basically every feeding. She's been reading and "playing" with older DCs and has even been folding the laundry. We talk about her and her life often. We've always been very close so I've heard every story many many times (I love to hear them though so that's not a complaint). Despite all these things it's still hard hearing the constant criticism. It's actually almost harder because we are so close and I do respect her and that's why I take it so personally. [/quote]

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