Please help me not lose my patience or mind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of times, people that age feel like a useless bump on a log. People don't really let them help (make meals, do dishes, etc) So they help instead by 'sharing advice' based on their decades of life experience. It is their way of feeling they are contributing something to the family / household. They are helping you raise the kids. Without a filter, it comes across as criticism. No need to get your knickers in a knot, just take something from what they say and turn it into a question. Ask her for recipes or ask her about how she raised her kids or ask her about her childhood or ask her to teach you something she knows (knitting etc). Make her feel useful and it will likely decrease the 'advice'.

This. OP, I know what your grandma does is trying as hell on you. But I wonder if you can look at this situation with a little empathy. Can you imagine what it is like to be 90 years old? To understand that you are old and frail, and that your time on this earth is clearly limited? You all say that it's a good thing she's lucid. Yeah, it's a good thing, but if she's lucid, she clearly has that feeling that you all know, except by 100X times more - that the body has aged but the spirit has not. Maybe she's looking for a way to feel like she's a part of the family and she's loved. Yeah, she's going about it in a weird way, but can you not be empathetic about her as a person, not just a cranky old creature? Everyone needs love. Everyone needs someone who asks them questions, who makes them feel important, who makes them feel like they matter. She does too, except in 99% of cases it isn't happening for her because people discount her.

Can you try to engage her in some way, i.e. offer her some context in which she can have a starring role, as opposed to her trying her hardest to steal bits of attention and relevance in your family by being critical? Ask her something. Ask her if she can tell kids a story about her childhood, or read a book to them. Ask her what it was like when she was little. Chances are, no one asked her that for quite a while. Give her some attention. Ask her how she and grandpa met. Ask her what your mom/dad were like when they were babies. Ask what it was like to parent without TV or Internet. Show some interest. It might help improve her disposition.

In a few years, she'll be gone and then your kids will be asking questions about her and you'll realize how little you really knew about the woman who raised one of your parents.

OP here. This is all great advice, thanks. A lot of this I'm already doing though. I know how hard it is for her to have lost her independence. She HATES that she can't live on her own. I've tried really hard to make her feel useful and keep telling her she's a big help to me with the children while she is staying with us. She feeds the baby for basically every feeding. She's been reading and "playing" with older DCs and has even been folding the laundry. We talk about her and her life often. We've always been very close so I've heard every story many many times (I love to hear them though so that's not a complaint). Despite all these things it's still hard hearing the constant criticism. It's actually almost harder because we are so close and I do respect her and that's why I take it so personally.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. So you may just have to grin and bear it for the next 10 days. I offer you our collective DCUM shoulder to cry on. You are a very good mom and good granddaughter. When her visit is done and gone, you will be able to feel satisfied because you never lost your cool or made an old lady unhappy. Yeah, it sucks but what can you do. Carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you're doing all the right things. So you may just have to grin and bear it for the next 10 days. I offer you our collective DCUM shoulder to cry on. You are a very good mom and good granddaughter. When her visit is done and gone, you will be able to feel satisfied because you never lost your cool or made an old lady unhappy. Yeah, it sucks but what can you do. Carry on.

+1. That was very well put.

(Such compassion and empathy - am I on the right thread?)

[Anonymous]

OP, count me as someone who thinks you're an everyday hero making the effort in the way you are.

Whether you decide to say something or not, there you are with three kids including a baby and doing your darndest to make your 90-year-old Grandma feel loved and appreciated even when she's being a pain in the butt.

You'll probably look back at these two weeks during her funeral with some pride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yay.

NP here, not the one you're insulting. You're a dick.

Please go be rude somewhere else, like the Private School forum. Your behavior would fit right in there.

Your post is the rudest of the bunch!

Good luck to you,OP ! You are a good granddaughter.

[Anonymous]

I used to have a critical grandmother. She would give the lawn men advice about how to cut the grass. There was rarely a meal that someone didn't get advice on something from her.

When I'd complain to my mom (it was her MIL) that grandma was being mean or critical my mother would always say "when you are 90 years old, you can do whatever you want too". That eventually became "when you are 100, you can do what you want too".

She's been dead over 10 years now and some of our fondest story telling involves telling each other pieces of grandma's unsolicited advice. It's funny now and she really did mean well and we all miss her. Who else is going to tell us to use soda water to get the wine out of the table cloth?

[Anonymous]

Normally I side with the people who are suffering with annoying relatives, but grandma is absurdly old. I would just laugh it off and wait out the visit.