DO SAHM not like SAHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
PS, sometimes moms get together and blow of steam about things that maybe they wouldn't do as easily among men. E.g.,

*My husband's socks-on-floor and toilet-seat-up issues
*Are your boobs and abs shot after childbearing, too?
*Where do you get your lips, legs, ass waxed?
*Porn: Yes or no?
*PPD
*Moms we can't stand

(I only contribute to two of the above topics, but I've heard them all! It's very "Women's Magazine" + pajama party. No sports, very little politics (even among the very politically oriented mums), but almost always hysterical. )

When I was in a moms' club, the conversation was mainly "My husband is so incompetent at domestic and childcare stuff, he doesn't even know that the baby's socks go on her feet. Men, huh?!" Having a SAHD in the room would not be good for this conversation topic.

I agree with this, and hate it. I am not a SAHD but I am WOHM with a truly equal partner dad who is a WOHD. I am really shocked by how many women really bash their husbands, and at the same time, shocked at how many men really do seem to dump everything on their wives- hello, 1950. But when women in a group start bashing men in general, I feel like saying Um, maybe you people married neanderthals, but I did not. My husband gives baths, puts the babies to bed, shops for clothes, washes dishes, etc. And if I say something like "well, my husband does things differently" it comes across as bragging, and their is a sheen of judgement about me as well that I could interpret in a variety of ways. So if it is tough for ME not to play the downtrodden wife, I can imagine these women would not make it comfortable for a SAHD. And, OP, just imagine what those women are saying about your wife, I am sure it is not good.

What circles do you move in? Are you fifty or older? Because none of the other SAHM in my circle do this, not even the ones whose husbands really don't have a clue. 95% of the WOHD that I know are pretty fully involved to the extent that their schedule allows. When my fellow SAHM friends complain, it's for a specific thing, like many of us complain when someone does something assy and out of character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no problems with SAHDs, but I'm not doing any one on one meet ups in private or in public. As a rule, I don't hang out alone with any male other than my dad and husband.

Well, one would assume there would be children present, right? But I agree, one-on-one meetups (sans children) would be strange. With kids, not so much.

Your "rule" makes you sound like you're from a culture where women are viewed as men's property, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no problems with SAHDs, but I'm not doing any one on one meet ups in private or in public. As a rule, I don't hang out alone with any male other than my dad and husband.

Well, one would assume there would be children present, right? But I agree, one-on-one meetups (sans children) would be strange. With kids, not so much.

Your "rule" makes you sound like you're from a culture where women are viewed as men's property, btw.

Even with kids it's weird. We just have an agreement to no hang out alone with members of the opposite sex if it can be avoided. It has nothing to do with being "property" (not that I really care if it sounds that way), it's just an easy way to be accountable. We don't have any reason to not trust each other, but no one is above making a stupid mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
PS, sometimes moms get together and blow of steam about things that maybe they wouldn't do as easily among men. E.g.,

*My husband's socks-on-floor and toilet-seat-up issues
*Are your boobs and abs shot after childbearing, too?
*Where do you get your lips, legs, ass waxed?
*Porn: Yes or no?
*PPD
*Moms we can't stand

(I only contribute to two of the above topics, but I've heard them all! It's very "Women's Magazine" + pajama party. No sports, very little politics (even among the very politically oriented mums), but almost always hysterical. )

When I was in a moms' club, the conversation was mainly "My husband is so incompetent at domestic and childcare stuff, he doesn't even know that the baby's socks go on her feet. Men, huh?!" Having a SAHD in the room would not be good for this conversation topic.

I agree with this, and hate it. I am not a SAHD but I am WOHM with a truly equal partner dad who is a WOHD. I am really shocked by how many women really bash their husbands, and at the same time, shocked at how many men really do seem to dump everything on their wives- hello, 1950. But when women in a group start bashing men in general, I feel like saying Um, maybe you people married neanderthals, but I did not. My husband gives baths, puts the babies to bed, shops for clothes, washes dishes, etc. And if I say something like "well, my husband does things differently" it comes across as bragging, and their is a sheen of judgement about me as well that I could interpret in a variety of ways. So if it is tough for ME not to play the downtrodden wife, I can imagine these women would not make it comfortable for a SAHD. And, OP, just imagine what those women are saying about your wife, I am sure it is not good.

What circles do you move in? Are you fifty or older? Because none of the other SAHM in my circle do this, not even the ones whose husbands really don't have a clue. 95% of the WOHD that I know are pretty fully involved to the extent that their schedule allows. When my fellow SAHM friends complain, it's for a specific thing, like many of us complain when someone does something assy and out of character.

When I was a SAHM I tried and left a few playgroups because I wasn't comfortable with the husband-bashing that was going on. There was also some WOHM-bashing though not as much. It made me pretty uncomfortable. Maybe it was just a few loudmouths but it was enough. Not nice.

[Anonymous]

There are 2 SAHDs I've chatted with that seem pretty cool, but I feel like there's too much tension there to hang out with them the way I do my other SAHM friends. I firmly believe you can be friends with the opposite sex, but it would make my DH uncomfortable (as it would make me uncomfortable if the situation were reversed) so out of respect for him I just can't hangout one-on-one. And I don't belong to any formal groups so that situation doesn't happen either. I really feel for SAHDs. It must be incredibly isolating in a lot of ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHD here.

I have made a habit of telling each of the other moms who come over for play dates that I am totally devoted to my DW and will never flirt with them, and that our friendship will be nothing more than Platonic. I've felt this is necessary. It has been well received, and it puts others at ease - both the moms and their partners.

Eeek, no, don't tell me that. It is already assumed that you will not flirt with me. Preemptively telling me so will only make me think either that you'd like to flirt with me but due to your devotion to dw, you won't. Or that you presume to be so irresistible that you'd better put a stop to any amorous feelings I might have towards you. All of which would make me think you were either a douche or just plain creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are 2 SAHDs I've chatted with that seem pretty cool, but I feel like there's too much tension there to hang out with them the way I do my other SAHM friends. I firmly believe you can be friends with the opposite sex, but it would make my DH uncomfortable (as it would make me uncomfortable if the situation were reversed) so out of respect for him I just can't hangout one-on-one. And I don't belong to any formal groups so that situation doesn't happen either. I really feel for SAHDs. It must be incredibly isolating in a lot of ways.

Do you permit him to work with women? Do you let him have one-on-one meetings with other women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are 2 SAHDs I've chatted with that seem pretty cool, but I feel like there's too much tension there to hang out with them the way I do my other SAHM friends. I firmly believe you can be friends with the opposite sex, but it would make my DH uncomfortable (as it would make me uncomfortable if the situation were reversed) so out of respect for him I just can't hangout one-on-one. And I don't belong to any formal groups so that situation doesn't happen either. I really feel for SAHDs. It must be incredibly isolating in a lot of ways.

Do you permit him to work with women? Do you let him have one-on-one meetings with other women?

You're ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Nothing like a 14 year old girl's comments to shut down an otherwise interesting thread. Nosireebob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
PS, sometimes moms get together and blow of steam about things that maybe they wouldn't do as easily among men. E.g.,

*My husband's socks-on-floor and toilet-seat-up issues
*Are your boobs and abs shot after childbearing, too?
*Where do you get your lips, legs, ass waxed?
*Porn: Yes or no?
*PPD
*Moms we can't stand

(I only contribute to two of the above topics, but I've heard them all! It's very "Women's Magazine" + pajama party. No sports, very little politics (even among the very politically oriented mums), but almost always hysterical. )

When I was in a moms' club, the conversation was mainly "My husband is so incompetent at domestic and childcare stuff, he doesn't even know that the baby's socks go on her feet. Men, huh?!" Having a SAHD in the room would not be good for this conversation topic.

I agree with this, and hate it. I am not a SAHD but I am WOHM with a truly equal partner dad who is a WOHD. I am really shocked by how many women really bash their husbands, and at the same time, shocked at how many men really do seem to dump everything on their wives- hello, 1950. But when women in a group start bashing men in general, I feel like saying Um, maybe you people married neanderthals, but I did not. My husband gives baths, puts the babies to bed, shops for clothes, washes dishes, etc. And if I say something like "well, my husband does things differently" it comes across as bragging, and their is a sheen of judgement about me as well that I could interpret in a variety of ways. So if it is tough for ME not to play the downtrodden wife, I can imagine these women would not make it comfortable for a SAHD. And, OP, just imagine what those women are saying about your wife, I am sure it is not good.

What circles do you move in? Are you fifty or older? Because none of the other SAHM in my circle do this, not even the ones whose husbands really don't have a clue. 95% of the WOHD that I know are pretty fully involved to the extent that their schedule allows. When my fellow SAHM friends complain, it's for a specific thing, like many of us complain when someone does something assy and out of character.

Early 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no problems with SAHDs, but I'm not doing any one on one meet ups in private or in public. As a rule, I don't hang out alone with any male other than my dad and husband.

Well, one would assume there would be children present, right? But I agree, one-on-one meetups (sans children) would be strange. With kids, not so much.

Your "rule" makes you sound like you're from a culture where women are viewed as men's property, btw.

Even with kids it's weird. We just have an agreement to no hang out alone with members of the opposite sex if it can be avoided. It has nothing to do with being "property" (not that I really care if it sounds that way), it's just an easy way to be accountable. We don't have any reason to not trust each other, but no one is above making a stupid mistake.

:shock:

i really do find this shocking. i can't imagine a world in which i did not have male friends or in which DH did not have female friends. and i've never had a moments thought that either of us would have a "stupid mistake" of that sort. i suppose my close male friends are mostly themselves married - boundaries have been set for years and years. it wouldn't occur to any of us . . .

different strokes for different folks, i guess, but i can't help but feel that you're missing out . . . both on friendships and on real trust with your DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I feel weird inviting SAHDs to my house one on one. I'm happy to meet up at a park or somewhere public for a play date. I know that nothing would happen in a non platonic sense, but I'd still worry about nosy neighbors seeing a man come to my house and things like that.

Wouldn't he be coming to your house with his KID?

Who brings their KID to a tryst?

Do you seriously think your neighbors would interpret it as a sign of an affair if a guy showed up with his child and a diaper bag slung over his shoulder?

Besides, if you're making choices based on what your neighbors might think, you clearly need to re-think your priorities. Life is too short to live that way.

Love this. Thanks for the laugh. We got our first play date snub yesterday when my preschool age daughter's best friend's mom wouldn't let her come over for a play date because her husband said no. My husband is a SAHD. Not sure what they thought was going to go on, we thought the 4-year-old girls would play princesses. I'm amazed at this stigma attached to SAHDs. I thought it was 2014.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM and I would love for my son to see that it isn't only moms who can be home with their kids.

+1. I'm a SAHM and I would be ok with a SAHD being my friend. Less drama.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM and would not do 1:1 play dates. I would be uncomfortable and think my husband would be too. I also find it harder to become friends bc I'm not going to do a movie date with a SAHD or anything. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHD here.

I have made a habit of telling each of the other moms who come over for play dates that I am totally devoted to my DW and will never flirt with them, and that our friendship will be nothing more than Platonic. I've felt this is necessary. It has been well received, and it puts others at ease - both the moms and their partners.

Eeek, no, don't tell me that. It is already assumed that you will not flirt with me. Preemptively telling me so will only make me think either that you'd like to flirt with me but due to your devotion to dw, you won't. Or that you presume to be so irresistible that you'd better put a stop to any amorous feelings I might have towards you. All of which would make me think you were either a douche or just plain creepy.

+1. That would be the last time I ever talked to you besides exchanging pleasantries if I happened to see you out. It's a totally weird thing to say.