DO SAHM not like SAHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHD here.

I have made a habit of telling each of the other moms who come over for play dates that I am totally devoted to my DW and will never flirt with them, and that our friendship will be nothing more than Platonic. I've felt this is necessary. It has been well received, and it puts others at ease - both the moms and their partners.

This seems really awkward and would make me feel uncomfortable. Just emphasize your realtionship with DW. I'd get the hint - I think most women would - and feel more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talking about one's income isn't about insecurity, it's just a metric that people can use to show their value. Somebody clearly values this guy to the tune of $240K/year. I'd be mighty proud if I was earning that AND working from home AND had time to be with my kids. It's a fallacy that stating one's value has always is about insecurity.

You got it. Especially on these boards wher earning less than $250K a year makes you and a hapless loser and pauper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHD here.

I have made a habit of telling each of the other moms who come over for play dates that I am totally devoted to my DW and will never flirt with them, and that our friendship will be nothing more than Platonic. I've felt this is necessary. It has been well received, and it puts others at ease - both the moms and their partners.

This seems really awkward and would make me feel uncomfortable. Just emphasize your realtionship with DW. I'd get the hint - I think most women would - and feel more comfortable.

I think it's a little presumptuous for him to assume that these women need to "take a hint" in the first place. If he's getting vibes from a woman that she wants to hook up with him, he really shouldn't be getting together with her in the first place - kids or not. If this is ALL about getting the kids together for a playdate in the park then why the need to bring up flirting in the first place? This isn't a romantic date between the adults, it's a playdate for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
PS, sometimes moms get together and blow of steam about things that maybe they wouldn't do as easily among men. E.g.,

*My husband's socks-on-floor and toilet-seat-up issues
*Are your boobs and abs shot after childbearing, too?
*Where do you get your lips, legs, ass waxed?
*Porn: Yes or no?
*PPD
*Moms we can't stand

(I only contribute to two of the above topics, but I've heard them all! It's very "Women's Magazine" + pajama party. No sports, very little politics (even among the very politically oriented mums), but almost always hysterical. )

When I was in a moms' club, the conversation was mainly "My husband is so incompetent at domestic and childcare stuff, he doesn't even know that the baby's socks go on her feet. Men, huh?!" Having a SAHD in the room would not be good for this conversation topic.

[Anonymous]

SAH/WAHM here. I think it's really hard to get a group of friends to hang out with when you first stay at home. Our neighborhood doesn't have too many SAH anythings, so it took me about a year to build a network through school, groups, etc. Also, I'll be truthful, I'm fearful of the perception or the reality of something unseemly with a SAHD. I had mostly male friends at work, but we didn't discuss the intimacies of our lives like I do with other moms. I don't feel comfortable talking about the same stuff with a SAHD (see the PP list of stuff SAHMs talk about). Also, true story: the SAHD in my neighborhood walked to our local park with short shorts and his plaid button-down shirt completely unbuttoned. Not making any buddies by not covering up, buddy. He's a nice guy, but totally oblivious to the fact that noone wants to see him half naked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
PS, sometimes moms get together and blow of steam about things that maybe they wouldn't do as easily among men. E.g.,

*My husband's socks-on-floor and toilet-seat-up issues
*Are your boobs and abs shot after childbearing, too?
*Where do you get your lips, legs, ass waxed?
*Porn: Yes or no?
*PPD
*Moms we can't stand

(I only contribute to two of the above topics, but I've heard them all! It's very "Women's Magazine" + pajama party. No sports, very little politics (even among the very politically oriented mums), but almost always hysterical. )

When I was in a moms' club, the conversation was mainly "My husband is so incompetent at domestic and childcare stuff, he doesn't even know that the baby's socks go on her feet. Men, huh?!" Having a SAHD in the room would not be good for this conversation topic.

I agree with this, and hate it. I am not a SAHD but I am WOHM with a truly equal partner dad who is a WOHD. I am really shocked by how many women really bash their husbands, and at the same time, shocked at how many men really do seem to dump everything on their wives- hello, 1950. But when women in a group start bashing men in general, I feel like saying Um, maybe you people married neanderthals, but I did not. My husband gives baths, puts the babies to bed, shops for clothes, washes dishes, etc. And if I say something like "well, my husband does things differently" it comes across as bragging, and their is a sheen of judgement about me as well that I could interpret in a variety of ways. So if it is tough for ME not to play the downtrodden wife, I can imagine these women would not make it comfortable for a SAHD. And, OP, just imagine what those women are saying about your wife, I am sure it is not good.

[Anonymous]

I SAHM for 6 mo - the most miserable 6 mo of my life Kudos to all of you who do it!

I adore my kids and thought I would love having time to do fun daytime activities with the kids, actually having dinners at a reasonable hour and some solid home structure. It turns out I am a much better working mama - the social scene of SAHM is brutal, I can't take the small talk and I found the playground groups nearly impossible to get into and it was pretty lonely. Some of my friends do it, love it and are awesome moms - they can fit right into the SAHM/SAHD social scene

So maybe it's just a rough social scene (DC is unique this way I think - there are so many nannies you have to really prove your worth if you a SAHM/D) - and then add to it being a man and wow, that's a tough one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I SAHM for 6 mo - the most miserable 6 mo of my life Kudos to all of you who do it!

I adore my kids and thought I would love having time to do fun daytime activities with the kids, actually having dinners at a reasonable hour and some solid home structure. It turns out I am a much better working mama - the social scene of SAHM is brutal, I can't take the small talk and I found the playground groups nearly impossible to get into and it was pretty lonely. Some of my friends do it, love it and are awesome moms - they can fit right into the SAHM/SAHD social scene

So maybe it's just a rough social scene (DC is unique this way I think - there are so many nannies you have to really prove your worth if you a SAHM/D) - and then add to it being a man and wow, that's a tough one.

What does this mean? Can you explain? (WOHM here)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHD here.

I have made a habit of telling each of the other moms who come over for play dates that I am totally devoted to my DW and will never flirt with them, and that our friendship will be nothing more than Platonic. I've felt this is necessary. It has been well received, and it puts others at ease - both the moms and their partners.

This seems really awkward and would make me feel uncomfortable. Just emphasize your realtionship with DW. I'd get the hint - I think most women would - and feel more comfortable.

I think it's a little presumptuous for him to assume that these women need to "take a hint" in the first place. If he's getting vibes from a woman that she wants to hook up with him, he really shouldn't be getting together with her in the first place - kids or not. If this is ALL about getting the kids together for a playdate in the park then why the need to bring up flirting in the first place? This isn't a romantic date between the adults, it's a playdate for the kids.

Creepy or not/hot or not, establishing boundaries is normal and healthy. I have hosted or been hosted by a mom and her kid where it's just been us plenty of times. Why not? If you or your partner can't handle being alone with another adult of the opposite sex then by all means stick to groups and public places. Perhaps a chaperone would be desirable. Or a burka.

Also, discussions like this are surely further discussed at home, hopefully putting her DPartner at ease. Seems we are all able to breed but that doesn't necessarily equip us to maturely have adult conversations about adult topics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
PS, sometimes moms get together and blow of steam about things that maybe they wouldn't do as easily among men. E.g.,

*My husband's socks-on-floor and toilet-seat-up issues
*Are your boobs and abs shot after childbearing, too?
*Where do you get your lips, legs, ass waxed?
*Porn: Yes or no?
*PPD
*Moms we can't stand

(I only contribute to two of the above topics, but I've heard them all! It's very "Women's Magazine" + pajama party. No sports, very little politics (even among the very politically oriented mums), but almost always hysterical. )

When I was in a moms' club, the conversation was mainly "My husband is so incompetent at domestic and childcare stuff, he doesn't even know that the baby's socks go on her feet. Men, huh?!" Having a SAHD in the room would not be good for this conversation topic.

I agree with this, and hate it. I am not a SAHD but I am WOHM with a truly equal partner dad who is a WOHD. I am really shocked by how many women really bash their husbands, and at the same time, shocked at how many men really do seem to dump everything on their wives- hello, 1950. But when women in a group start bashing men in general, I feel like saying Um, maybe you people married neanderthals, but I did not. My husband gives baths, puts the babies to bed, shops for clothes, washes dishes, etc. And if I say something like "well, my husband does things differently" it comes across as bragging, and their is a sheen of judgement about me as well that I could interpret in a variety of ways. So if it is tough for ME not to play the downtrodden wife, I can imagine these women would not make it comfortable for a SAHD. And, OP, just imagine what those women are saying about your wife, I am sure it is not good.

Not OP's DW, but as a WOHM with a SAHD taking care of my kid, I can tell you, I could not possibly care less what such comments would be. FWIW, all I've ever heard to my face is "you're so lucky" (which I am). Nobody who has seen my DH in action questions his ability or devotion to parenting. I feel sorry for women who bash their husbands in this way.

I found that there was a bit of judgment/assumptions/discomfort at first when DH SAH, even from family and close friends, about how a SAHD might not be as good of a parent. That's my experience with any time people are outside their comfort zone with someone who is different or acting outside a traditional role. I saw a similar dynamic watching people deal with a friend of mine who has a severe speech impediment, for example, and I saw it in my family when I dated a guy outside my race. They don't know much or have no experience with the new thing, and unbeknownst to them they try and extrapolate how it will be by applying mental models they already have. This often leads to them ascribing everything to the difference. Then they see the truth and it gives them new mental models that are closer to reality.

One person I have never seen any judgment of DH from is the baby

[Anonymous]

The SAHMs are kind of paranoid, OP. Have you noticed when you are in a grocery store on your way home from work? If they are with their children, they act totally bizarre. I'm not the only one who has noticed this.

Also, they flatter themselves thinking you want to be their best buddy. Gravitate toward friendly, happy people. Not the bizarre ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHD here.

I have made a habit of telling each of the other moms who come over for play dates that I am totally devoted to my DW and will never flirt with them, and that our friendship will be nothing more than Platonic. I've felt this is necessary. It has been well received, and it puts others at ease - both the moms and their partners.

This seems really awkward and would make me feel uncomfortable. Just emphasize your realtionship with DW. I'd get the hint - I think most women would - and feel more comfortable.

I am the DW of the SAHD quoted above (I showed him this thread and thought he might want to comment). The part you bolded is a style thing...this IS him emphasizing his relationship with me. Another man might do it differently, he is just a very direct person with a certain style... If a person is creeped out by it they are not going to be friends with DH no matter what.

Just didn't want the point to get lost in the style. If OP is comfortable with directness, it could work to his advantage to dispel lingering weirdness, as it has for my DH.

[Anonymous]

II wouldn't mind being friends with a SAHD, but avoid getting too close, as I wouldn't want wives to feel threatened.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear about this, SAHD! I do think some SAHM will avoid you or at least not be as friendly because they are concerned about appearing flirtatious (or maybe being flirtatious). I am happily married, but was at a park recently with my kid and without my husband. A man about my age was there with his daughter, who was about my son's age. Oddly, as soon as I saw them, I thought, "Here comes a single dad who is going to think I am a single mom; better not appear too interested in him." A lot of assumptions on my part, I know. . . but it's hard to shed all the preconceptions and just be friendly sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHD here.

I have made a habit of telling each of the other moms who come over for play dates that I am totally devoted to my DW and will never flirt with them, and that our friendship will be nothing more than Platonic. I've felt this is necessary. It has been well received, and it puts others at ease - both the moms and their partners.

This seems really awkward and would make me feel uncomfortable. Just emphasize your realtionship with DW. I'd get the hint - I think most women would - and feel more comfortable.

I am the DW of the SAHD quoted above (I showed him this thread and thought he might want to comment). The part you bolded is a style thing...this IS him emphasizing his relationship with me. Another man might do it differently, he is just a very direct person with a certain style... If a person is creeped out by it they are not going to be friends with DH no matter what.

Just didn't want the point to get lost in the style. If OP is comfortable with directness, it could work to his advantage to dispel lingering weirdness, as it has for my DH.

Thank you DW for explaining my M.O. Love you, hon! <3 :-* ((((Anon))))