DO SAHM not like SAHD?

[Anonymous]

Maybe this topic has already been addressed, although I didn't find anything directly after doing a search. I am a SAHD to my 10-month-old son. When I encounter SAHMs, I get the impression that they are uncomfortable, disapproving, or even hostile towards me. They are certainly not sociable. I know that SAHDs face certain social stigmas as I have endured them myself. However, I did not expect to face it from SAHMs. We are in the same boat - staying at home to raise our child(ren) while our spouse works. Gender politics asides, I thought there would be more comraderie among SAHDs and SAHMs. My DW says that SAHMs are nervous about developing relationships with SAHDs because they could easily become more than plutonic. I wonder if they don't think that men are capable of taking care of children as well as women. Regardless of the reason(s), I am bothered by this, and wanted to see if other SAHDs had similar experiences or if I am way off base.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this topic has already been addressed, although I didn't find anything directly after doing a search. I am a SAHD to my 10-month-old son. When I encounter SAHMs, I get the impression that they are uncomfortable, disapproving, or even hostile towards me. They are certainly not sociable. I know that SAHDs face certain social stigmas as I have endured them myself. However, I did not expect to face it from SAHMs. We are in the same boat - staying at home to raise our child(ren) while our spouse works. Gender politics asides, I thought there would be more comraderie among SAHDs and SAHMs. My DW says that SAHMs are nervous about developing relationships with SAHDs because they could easily become more than plutonic. I wonder if they don't think that men are capable of taking care of children as well as women. Regardless of the reason(s), I am bothered by this, and wanted to see if other SAHDs had similar experiences or if I am way off base.

Who knows. I am not sure SAHD is really that accepted yet. I know for my part, I kind of look down on them. Not saying that is right.

[Anonymous]

This:

My DW says that SAHMs are nervous about developing relationships with SAHDs because they could easily become more than plutonic.


There are a lot of SAHDs in the neighborhood I live in now. I do not in any way question their parenting skills. I am, however, more hesitant to invite them over one-on-one just because of the intimacy that happens around the childcare environment--but I'd easily and happily invite them over in big-group playdate kinds of things (which is what I typically hosted, e.g., "Open House Playdate from 9-11").

Don't hesitate to reach out, invite one or two or more moms over. The more you do it, the more likely you'll be to find a few moms who'll respond... and your circle of friends will increase! Taking the initiative is key, here.

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHD for a while. Now I'm a WAHD so I'm around a lot with the kids during the waking hours, at school events, etc. etc.. I definitely encountered a few cold shoulders, but those weren't women I'd want to know, anyway.

Also, joke's on them if they look down on me as a provider as I earn $240,000 a year.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM and have no problems becoming friends with anyone as long as they're kind, have similar values to me, and their kids are relatively well-behaved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This:

My DW says that SAHMs are nervous about developing relationships with SAHDs because they could easily become more than plutonic.


There are a lot of SAHDs in the neighborhood I live in now. I do not in any way question their parenting skills. I am, however, more hesitant to invite them over one-on-one just because of the intimacy that happens around the childcare environment--but I'd easily and happily invite them over in big-group playdate kinds of things (which is what I typically hosted, e.g., "Open House Playdate from 9-11").

Don't hesitate to reach out, invite one or two or more moms over. The more you do it, the more likely you'll be to find a few moms who'll respond... and your circle of friends will increase! Taking the initiative is key, here.

PS: I live in Seattle. SAHD are very common, here. There is no stigma, at least among my friends and acquaintances, and I think in general if someone has a problem with it, they're kind of considered square throwbacks. There's an active Dads group at my daughter's elementary school, too, and a gay parents are also welcomed and take leadership roles in the school and classrooms. It's just a different vibe, even in my uptight (relatively speaking) professional neighborhood. I'm just saying, you might consider moving out here...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHD for a while. Now I'm a WAHD so I'm around a lot with the kids during the waking hours, at school events, etc. etc.. I definitely encountered a few cold shoulders, but those weren't women I'd want to know, anyway.

Also, joke's on them if they look down on me as a provider as I earn $240,000 a year.

Congrats?

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM and I have some friends who are SAHDs. Our closest friend is a working mom and SAHD couple. We haven't really gone to each other's houses without our spouses, but do play dates at the park and library story times. There is another couple we are friends with too, though less closely and there again we have gotten together as couples and I also know the working mom. I am one of those people who usually had male friends (3 brothers too) and feel more comfortable around guys, it also helps that their wives are awesome. So maybe having spouses involved would seem a little less threatening.

Honestly I may have once been guilty of an unconcious bias thinking SAHDs can't parent as well, but I have seen no evidence of this and enjoy the company of both moms and dads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This:

My DW says that SAHMs are nervous about developing relationships with SAHDs because they could easily become more than plutonic.


There are a lot of SAHDs in the neighborhood I live in now. I do not in any way question their parenting skills. I am, however, more hesitant to invite them over one-on-one just because of the intimacy that happens around the childcare environment--but I'd easily and happily invite them over in big-group playdate kinds of things (which is what I typically hosted, e.g., "Open House Playdate from 9-11").

Don't hesitate to reach out, invite one or two or more moms over. The more you do it, the more likely you'll be to find a few moms who'll respond... and your circle of friends will increase! Taking the initiative is key, here.

+1

[Anonymous]

I have zero problem connecting with SAHDs.
Anyone who would look down on you is not worth a moment of your time.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Truth be told, it can also be hard for SAHMs to make new friends and break into a new neighborhood.

When I moved with 6 mo DS, I swore I moved into the least friendly neighborhood in all the DC metro area. My next door neighbor didn't speak to me once the first year. I only spoke to about 3 neighbors total, actually. And only 1 of them initiated contact.

Slowly but surely, I made some friends. The best thing I did was go to the nearby playground almost every day. From 3-5pm, a ton of kids are there and it helped to see the same faces over and over again. You have to take the initiative though, and some moms would barely talk to me before turning back to their friends. However, those moms are very friendly now -- it's just that it can be hard to strike up conversations, and most people are not that great conversationalists.

Introduce yourself, be friendly, ask questions about their kids and their families (people love to talk about themselves!) and you'll find someone you click with.

Back to answer your question, I would not look down on SAHDs and I love to talk to almost anyone. BUT, I would be a little more cautious with a man because I don't want to raise eyebrows and I probably wouldn't invite a SAHD to my house for a playdate unless we (DH and I) got to know him very well.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM and I have nothing against SAHD I actually think it's really great. When I lived in NYC one of my best friends was a SAHD.

[Anonymous]

I hope (as does DH) that DH will be a SAHD or at least go PT once our oldest is in kindergarten.

I really worry about social isolation he'll encounter. Not so concerned about stigma because, honestly, if anyone judges my husband because he's a FT parent then screw them.

But, for example, there's a Moms Club I joined when I had DD1 and I remember all the hand wringing that went on among the members when a SAHD applied to join. I felt really bad for the guy.

I suspect a lot of it is rooted in concerns around something unseemly possibly devloping - or at least the perception that something inappropriate is happening. But I also get that women may feel less comfortable breastfeeding, for example, with a man around (whereas in my moms groups women regularly breastfeed quite openly).

Anyway, I don't have an answer, OP. But it's an area of concern for me as the wife of a future SAHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This:

My DW says that SAHMs are nervous about developing relationships with SAHDs because they could easily become more than plutonic.


There are a lot of SAHDs in the neighborhood I live in now. I do not in any way question their parenting skills. I am, however, more hesitant to invite them over one-on-one just because of the intimacy that happens around the childcare environment--but I'd easily and happily invite them over in big-group playdate kinds of things (which is what I typically hosted, e.g., "Open House Playdate from 9-11").

Don't hesitate to reach out, invite one or two or more moms over. The more you do it, the more likely you'll be to find a few moms who'll respond... and your circle of friends will increase! Taking the initiative is key, here.

+ 1,000

It's the Gossip Factor, OP. Invite more than one mom at a time. It will cut down SOME of the gossip.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this topic has already been addressed, although I didn't find anything directly after doing a search. I am a SAHD to my 10-month-old son. When I encounter SAHMs, I get the impression that they are uncomfortable, disapproving, or even hostile towards me. They are certainly not sociable. I know that SAHDs face certain social stigmas as I have endured them myself. However, I did not expect to face it from SAHMs. We are in the same boat - staying at home to raise our child(ren) while our spouse works. Gender politics asides, I thought there would be more comraderie among SAHDs and SAHMs. My DW says that SAHMs are nervous about developing relationships with SAHDs because they could easily become more than plutonic. I wonder if they don't think that men are capable of taking care of children as well as women. Regardless of the reason(s), I am bothered by this, and wanted to see if other SAHDs had similar experiences or if I am way off base.

What is plutonic?