DO SAHM not like SAHD?

[Anonymous]

OP,

I've been in different meetups where there have been SAHDs. I have no problem with them and didn't feel uncomfortable in the least socializing with them. I'll tell you though, most SAHMs don't like me. Many of them can be cliquey and insular, so I don't think it's a reflection on you or being a SAHD.

Sadly the stay-at-home scene can be tougher than dating. So hang in there and in addition to meetups, here's a list of parenting groups:
https://www.our-kids.com/parenting/parent-groups

Hope you find some peeps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this topic has already been addressed, although I didn't find anything directly after doing a search. I am a SAHD to my 10-month-old son. When I encounter SAHMs, I get the impression that they are uncomfortable, disapproving, or even hostile towards me. They are certainly not sociable. I know that SAHDs face certain social stigmas as I have endured them myself. However, I did not expect to face it from SAHMs. We are in the same boat - staying at home to raise our child(ren) while our spouse works. Gender politics asides, I thought there would be more comraderie among SAHDs and SAHMs. My DW says that SAHMs are nervous about developing relationships with SAHDs because they could easily become more than plutonic. I wonder if they don't think that men are capable of taking care of children as well as women. Regardless of the reason(s), I am bothered by this, and wanted to see if other SAHDs had similar experiences or if I am way off base.

What is plutonic?

It may or may not be planetic. Scientists aren't sure.

PS I suck at spelling.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM and I would love for my son to see that it isn't only moms who can be home with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This:

My DW says that SAHMs are nervous about developing relationships with SAHDs because they could easily become more than plutonic.


There are a lot of SAHDs in the neighborhood I live in now. I do not in any way question their parenting skills. I am, however, more hesitant to invite them over one-on-one just because of the intimacy that happens around the childcare environment--but I'd easily and happily invite them over in big-group playdate kinds of things (which is what I typically hosted, e.g., "Open House Playdate from 9-11").

Don't hesitate to reach out, invite one or two or more moms over. The more you do it, the more likely you'll be to find a few moms who'll respond... and your circle of friends will increase! Taking the initiative is key, here.

+ 1,000

It's the Gossip Factor, OP. Invite more than one mom at a time. It will cut down SOME of the gossip.

Good luck.

PS, sometimes moms get together and blow of steam about things that maybe they wouldn't do as easily among men. E.g.,

*My husband's socks-on-floor and toilet-seat-up issues
*Are your boobs and abs shot after childbearing, too?
*Where do you get your lips, legs, ass waxed?
*Porn: Yes or no?
*PPD
*Moms we can't stand

(I only contribute to two of the above topics, but I've heard them all! It's very "Women's Magazine" + pajama party. No sports, very little politics (even among the very politically oriented mums), but almost always hysterical. )

[Anonymous]

So your wife thinks all SAHM are so libidinous that they just have to stay away lest they start screwing you? I'm going to go with "no."

It is possible that they just don't like you, or that you are in a terribly clique-y neighborhood where it's been decided not to like you, which isn't uncommon for SAHM to be the target of. It's a sucky situation. If there's a mother who seems sympathetic, you could ask her what the deal is. There aren't any SAHD in my neighborhood, but the rare times a dad is home from work, they definitely have a different vibe, almost competitive, and if the convo veers into something like birth, they get very weird. I can kind of understand why, but we try to keep the chatter polite, so it's not like we're trading serious horror stories. It's irritating to have one's discussion shut down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have zero problem connecting with SAHDs.
Anyone who would look down on you is not worth a moment of your time.

+ 1

Any man who takes care of his kids is worthy of my friendship!

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM. I like drama-free people. I don't care what gender. I have male and female friends. DH does not have a problem with it!

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM and friendly to the few SAHDs that I've met. (I haven't met many.) I always had an easier time making friends with men before kids, but I will admit that I am less comfortable making friends with a SAHD. There's such a fine line between trying to become friends and seeming like you're hitting on someone. I feel the same way about other SAHMs, but at least with SAHMs I can feel fairly confident that the awkwardness is just in my mind.

I have never thought that a SAHD was a lesser parent by virtue of being a man. Thought never occurred to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this topic has already been addressed, although I didn't find anything directly after doing a search. I am a SAHD to my 10-month-old son. When I encounter SAHMs, I get the impression that they are uncomfortable, disapproving, or even hostile towards me. They are certainly not sociable. I know that SAHDs face certain social stigmas as I have endured them myself. However, I did not expect to face it from SAHMs. We are in the same boat - staying at home to raise our child(ren) while our spouse works. Gender politics asides, I thought there would be more comraderie among SAHDs and SAHMs. My DW says that SAHMs are nervous about developing relationships with SAHDs because they could easily become more than plutonic. I wonder if they don't think that men are capable of taking care of children as well as women. Regardless of the reason(s), I am bothered by this, and wanted to see if other SAHDs had similar experiences or if I am way off base.

don't know the crew around you

But when I stayed at home (female here), I alienated all of the FT SAHMs and became friendly with WMs on leave and the one SAHD.

LOVED the SAHD - wish there were more of you actually
I found SAHMs to be uptight - shunning the "playdates" with wine, crackers, cheese, fruit and juice boxes!

Maybe the crew was just odd - can't say for sure
But I didn't click with the moms.

still friends with SAHD even though I'm now working FT

[Anonymous]

Most SAHMs in my hood are bitchy to WOHMs, so naturally I can see them not getting SAHDs either. I have learned not to take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This:

My DW says that SAHMs are nervous about developing relationships with SAHDs because they could easily become more than plutonic.


There are a lot of SAHDs in the neighborhood I live in now. I do not in any way question their parenting skills. I am, however, more hesitant to invite them over one-on-one just because of the intimacy that happens around the childcare environment--but I'd easily and happily invite them over in big-group playdate kinds of things (which is what I typically hosted, e.g., "Open House Playdate from 9-11").

Don't hesitate to reach out, invite one or two or more moms over. The more you do it, the more likely you'll be to find a few moms who'll respond... and your circle of friends will increase! Taking the initiative is key, here.

+ 1,000

It's the Gossip Factor, OP. Invite more than one mom at a time. It will cut down SOME of the gossip.


Ugh, I am a mom and I am glad I am not hanging out with you.

Good luck.

PS, sometimes moms get together and blow of steam about things that maybe they wouldn't do as easily among men. E.g.,

*My husband's socks-on-floor and toilet-seat-up issues
*Are your boobs and abs shot after childbearing, too?
*Where do you get your lips, legs, ass waxed?
*Porn: Yes or no?
*PPD
*Moms we can't stand

(I only contribute to two of the above topics, but I've heard them all! It's very "Women's Magazine" + pajama party. No sports, very little politics (even among the very politically oriented mums), but almost always hysterical. )

[Anonymous]

My dh is a SAHD, and yes, SAHM's are not friendly to him. He has noticed too that moving from closer to the city to the further burbs that SAHM's are even less friendly in the further burbs than closer in. It is very isolating and challenging for him. He has had women ignore him when he talks to them say at JW Tumbles, one mom turned around and walked away at a park, etc. The list could go on. It has been very hard on his self esteem. And if you want to say he must be some sort of odd person, it's not true. He is very good socially and is used to a good social circle, so this experience has been unlike others when he was part of an office, or popular in college/high school. You have to make time to pursue your hobbies and get around people other than SAHM's. Like for instance, my dh and I used to kayak a lot, so he still goes out and does that as often as possible. After a day of shooting the rapids with like minded kayakers and no baby talk or getting ignored/the 1,000 yard stare, he feels much better.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I feel weird inviting SAHDs to my house one on one. I'm happy to meet up at a park or somewhere public for a play date. I know that nothing would happen in a non platonic sense, but I'd still worry about nosy neighbors seeing a man come to my house and things like that.

[Anonymous]

Most of my SAHM friends are people I've worked with in the past. It's hard making SAHM friends "in the wild," as parenting styles can be so different, and kids often just don't enjoy one another.

I don't judge SAHDs as lesser parents at all, but I don't think I'd be comfortable, as a PP said, discussing a lot of what is typically discussed among the women at playdates with a guy.

E.g. nipple/breastfeeding issues, sex issues, trying for 2nd baby, etc.

I could see it being really interesting to get a SAHD's perspective on less intimate marital issues, though.

[Anonymous]

I would not go to your house alone for a play date. I would go if I was not the only other SAHM invited. I do not look down on you. I would be worried that you would try to flirt with me, gossip from neighbors who saw you at my house. and my husband's feelings. If our kids loved eachother then I would meet you at public places or maybe try play dates where you drop your kids off with me for a few hours while you have some alone time and vice versa. I would also invite your family over on the weekends.