Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, it's illegal in most states to kick a minor out. Parents are obligated to support their children until they're 18.

Correct
And nobody but the mother can put the baby up for adoption.
Even with no supports. But once the baby is here the teen mom will have family support. Families just do not like to offer it during the pregnancy.

I know one person who had a baby at 15 and it all turned out OK

I think the teen in question would qualify for a lot of aid. So money is not a reason to give the baby up. Besides, God will provide, and God gave that baby to her

The singular of "data" is not "anecdote." One "success" story (and I'm skeptical of how you are defining success) doesn't make it a good idea.

Statistically, girls who have babies early are more likely to drop out of school and more likely to live in poverty. They are more likely to live in poverty for the rest of their lives. She will be eligible for welfare, SNAP and maybe a section 8 voucher, but that covers the bare minimums. It's not an easy path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a little bit of the stereotype. Bro went off to college, found jesus, married a super religious woman and is raising two children with zero freedom. Of course the older one has been super wild. Of course she's now pregnant at 15, of course the boyfriend has disappeared, and apparently my SIL and brother have kicked her out.

I called DH at work and he said absolutely she can come stay here for a few days or a week while they all calm down. Niece wants to keep the baby and has asked if she can live with us. I told her we are not prepared to give an answer to that over the phone when she's just dropped such a huge bomb on me. She has been sitting in a coffee shop with her backpack all day. DH is organizing flying her here tonight so she has somewhere safe to sleep.

Obviously my hope is that everyone will calm down in a day or two and she will go home. But if they don't allow her, what do we do? Is there somewhere safe we can send her?

They cant kick her out. They need to pay cild support for her. She needs to get a job and get child support from her bf so that siciety isnt paying for her child. If she cant get a job, she should abort.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you can, please try to find a counselor for your niece. She's going to have a lot of issues to work through, and she'll likely need someone unconnected to her family to help her do that. You are doing a good thing by providing her with a safe space in which to make some big decisions. You can also look into options in your area--support groups, social services, etc. Your niece is lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a pregnant teen and I went to live with a relative while I was pregnant.

It may feel or seem like you are being shipped away but the truth is emotionally it was better. I did not need to deal with all my friends (many had abortions) and their judgement of me for actually having the baby.

I went to counseling which was nice, because after 5 sessions the therapist said that I was handling this in a healthy and mature manner.

I did give the child up for a adoption but that was my decision and I literally did not want to know what anybody else thought. I would let her work it out with a therapist.

There are 2 decisions: have the baby, don't have the baby (I think she already made that decision otherwise her parents would not know.)
Then there are 2 decisions: raise the baby or find a loving home for the baby. (from there the decisions are endless)

She is a pregnant teen not a drug addicted felon. Treat her like a niece, not a criminal. Have specific and measurable expectations. You must do X, Y, Z for us to feel like we are helping you not enabling you, etc.

Good Luck! It's going to be longer than a week or two.

I think this is some of the sanest advice you have received.

You and your DH need to have some very in depth conversations about what it would take to have her join your household for the next few months or years. Ideas:
* curfew
* drug & alcohol free
* help out X hours a week with your kids
* attend school
* pre-natal care (if she doesn't terminate)
* some sort of counseling or support group for teen mothers
* possibly some sort of job to help defray the costs adding her and a baby to your household

I think I would consider having her volunteer or work with infants, too. Something to give her a taste of what's to come if she chooses to raise the baby herself. Maybe the infant room at a/your church?

Good luck to all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your niece's parents are wretched people. No way would Jesus approve.

Why can't she live with you? Do you live in a one bedroom with a kid already? Does she do drugs and do you have an impressionable preteen or teenager?

If not, I think you should let her live with you.

Well, just off the very top of my head, because she's been wild for the last three or four years and I don't know what kind of influence she's going to be on our impressionable young kids, and equally because DH and I planned our family size. We did not plan to have two more people join our family when we planned how many children we'd have, when we planned that I would stay home, etc.

You are right to be worried. Having a wild, 15 year old niece that wants to keep her baby with no parental or baby father support, who doesn't just want to come and stay with you for a few days while she thinks things through, but actually wants to come and "live" with you and raise her baby is a very impulsive move on your niece.
Some people take relatives in and it becomes disastrous because of family drama issues, etc.

This could be a really difficult situation to handle if your niece cannot return to her parents. Just because she is family, doesn't mean that you are in the financial or emotional position to take her in on a long term basis.

an impulsive 15 y/o? who would have thought...

[Anonymous]

Having kids is so hard - and having them early is even harder. I think without the strong support of family it is nearly a predictor of lifelong failure.

If you can step in and help that is great - but that is not written in the cards for everyone. We are not all the type of people who are able to jump in a situation like this and still be supportive. If you can't offer her support - I would suggest finding her the resources that she will need where she will have a community and others to connect to. This is a really difficult time for her and I am sure that she is really struggling with the fact that those she depends on are gone.

[Anonymous]

I would strongly urge her to put the baby up for adoption. My mom started having kids at 16, I'm the youngest and born when she was 32. Sixteen year olds do not make appropriate parents, even with family support like my parents had. My parents managed to stay married about 18 years and then never really spoke to each other after that. It was literally like being raised by children. Teens who are parents miss out on growing up and maturing opportunities and they were lousy parents. Older kids were frequently left in charge of younger kids and it just wasn't good. Do whatever you can to get that baby in the arms of mature adults who are ready for parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, you can't transport your 15 year old niece across state lines w/o her parents' permission. That's called kidnapping. Doesn't matter her parents "kicked her out."

I would think that would matter, yes?

[Anonymous]

Put her in touch with a charity. This will turn your household upside the F down. I know it's hard to say no, but you have to say no.

Also, if you were to say yes, then you are sort of responsible for her being a young mama, and condoning the behaviour. If she has to search for help, she might think twice about her decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is illegal for them to kick her out.

Wtf. They consider themselves religious?? They really think kicking their pregnant fifteen year old out of the house is the godly thing to do??

No wonder their daughter is screwed up.

I hope she can shake her religious upbringing enough to consider abortion. If not, maybe she would consider adoption.

They are righteous - not religious

I think that should read self-righteous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put her in touch with a charity. This will turn your household upside the F down. I know it's hard to say no, but you have to say no.

Also, if you were to say yes, then you are sort of responsible for her being a young mama, and condoning the behaviour. If she has to search for help, she might think twice about her decisions.[/quote]y

Are you the pregnant teen's parents? It sure sounds like it. What bullshit you're spewing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put her in touch with a charity. This will turn your household upside the F down. I know it's hard to say no, but you have to say no.

Also, if you were to say yes, then you are sort of responsible for her being a young mama, and condoning the behaviour. If she has to search for help, she might think twice about her decisions.

Are you the pregnant teen's parents? It sure sounds like it. What bullshit you're spewing!

[Anonymous]

I think the best advice is not to take your 15 year old niece's version as "gospel truth." Take the facts as they are and at best a total shock and life changer for the teen and for her parents. I would suggest talking to the parents as calmly as possible and simply stating that is what and all you are doing. Then ask them what their plan of action will be. Hopefully, one or both of them would establish a dialog with them - skyping in privacy might be a start and together work out a plan to bring her back to her home.

Before talking with her parents, you might make a couple of local calls to see what is the usual plan of action for a 15 year old out of her home on her own and pregnant. I would bet it is to enter the Foster Care system in her area, which might not be great, but necessary for a while. And see if counseling is involved.

What she is going to do with a baby is an important added dimension and depending upon your beliefs, the clock is ticking on that one. But you need to think of the well-being of your own children and family first. And this teen sounds like she needs a lot more attention than you can reasonably be expected to give her. Being out-of-state, I doubt you could get her into your state's systme unless you took on some sort of guardianship role.

You might make a few calls to the parents' home area to see what services would be available to a runaway teen in terms of temporary foster care placement, individual for her and family therapy aimed at reunification AND services for the baby and one expecting. It is a real mess, but there are now "2 children" to be the focus of everyone's attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, it's illegal in most states to kick a minor out. Parents are obligated to support their children until they're 18.

Correct
And nobody but the mother can put the baby up for adoption.
Even with no supports. But once the baby is here the teen mom will have family support. Families just do not like to offer it during the pregnancy.

I know one person who had a baby at 15 and it all turned out OK

I think the teen in question would qualify for a lot of aid. So money is not a reason to give the baby up. Besides, God will provide, and God gave that baby to her

Delusional.

+1. Maybe you should send financial support from crazy town.

[Anonymous]

OP, you and your DH and doing a great thing by providing some support now.

I'm frustrated at your niece's decisions and equally frustrated at her parent's refusal to engage in addressing this parenting problem (of theirs).

I hope you are able to facilitate niece and her parents coming to a resolution on this issue without having to take it on yourself.

My husband had a baby at 18 and stepped up to the plate BIG TIME- but 18 is a far cry from 15, and his overly religious parents supported him in his new life as a father.

I cannot imagine how hard it would have been for him to do what he did without the love and support of his family. I hope your niece can accept responsibility for her actions (whether that is abortion, having the baby or adoption) while being supported but not enabled by her family. It is big of you to fill that void as an extended family member.

There may be a "honeymoon" phase as you are helping her - set some reasonable boundaries and consequences so if that ends there are some reasonable behavior expectations and consequences - things everyone can count on.