SAHM with kids in school

[Anonymous]

Alas, I'm a WOHM and think some of the WOHMs responding here really do sound bitter. But PP, ONE WOHM responded that her animosity towards SAHMs is driven by jealousy. Don't jump to the conclusion (not that you necessarily are) that all WOHMs are jealous. I love my career. I love working. I don't necessarily have to work as DH makes very good money. But I just like to work. I'm not jealous at all b/c I'm doing exactly what I want to do and what is best for my family.

But just like SAHMs get defensive when WOHMs make them sound like lazy, martini-at-lunch drinking, exercise-obsessed know-it-alls, us WOHMs get defensive when SAHMs imply that we are sub-par, inferior mothers with nothing other than our careers on our minds.

Personally, I think it sounds fantastic to not work after your kids are off to school. I don't think I could ever do it (I would find myself watching way too much Days of Our Lives, much like my mother), but for those with the choice - great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alas, I'm a WOHM and think some of the WOHMs responding here really do sound bitter. But PP, ONE WOHM responded that her animosity towards SAHMs is driven by jealousy. Don't jump to the conclusion (not that you necessarily are) that all WOHMs are jealous. I love my career. I love working. I don't necessarily have to work as DH makes very good money. But I just like to work. I'm not jealous at all b/c I'm doing exactly what I want to do and what is best for my family.

But just like SAHMs get defensive when WOHMs make them sound like lazy, martini-at-lunch drinking, exercise-obsessed know-it-alls, us WOHMs get defensive when SAHMs imply that we are sub-par, inferior mothers with nothing other than our careers on our minds.

Personally, I think it sounds fantastic to not work after your kids are off to school. I don't think I could ever do it (I would find myself watching way too much Days of Our Lives, much like my mother), but for those with the choice - great!

Agree in general, but NO ONE here said anything like that! OP asked an innocent question, and it was the WOHMs who started getting nasty and critical (not to mentikon purposefully ignoring OP's question). Seriously, read the thread and you will not see any criticism of WOHMs from SAHMs here, only the opposite.

[Anonymous]

SAHM with kids in school here. Oh my god, it sucks. Get me a job, please! Yes, I have friends, yes, I have leisure, and yes I work out 2 hrs a day. But really, I cannot wait to get beck to work- I have been looking since school started in September...still looking. ......

.....At some point, SAHM wife can seem like a parasite.

Another SAHM here, youngest just started full-day school. Have to say I agree with a lot of this. My husband 1. works his ass off and 2. thinks I should be working too. Now I do, too, because whoever said taking classes and working out becomes boresome is correct IMO. *I* feel like a parasite. I cannot in good conscience tend the garden and pay bills online while DH gives himself heart disease due to his job. In our situation only, it is not worth it to have one partner contentedly Making a Homelife while the other one is taking years off his life because of a stressful career that he can't scale back.

(and to the gratuitous meanie earlier, I did in fact have a high-profile career. Which is relevant because ....)

I can't figure out what to do. Can't return to the old profession unless I want 1970s latch-key kids, as DH and I would be home from approx. 9:30 pm to 7:45 a.m..

Serious question for lawyer-journalist-policy moms: where are the semi-professional 8 a.m. - 1 p.m. jobs? The government? Non-profits? They don't exist for employees not previously in the organization for years, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

SAHM with kids in school here. Oh my god, it sucks. Get me a job, please! Yes, I have friends, yes, I have leisure, and yes I work out 2 hrs a day. But really, I cannot wait to get beck to work- I have been looking since school started in September...still looking. ......

.....At some point, SAHM wife can seem like a parasite.

Another SAHM here, youngest just started full-day school. Have to say I agree with a lot of this. My husband 1. works his ass off and 2. thinks I should be working too. Now I do, too, because whoever said taking classes and working out becomes boresome is correct IMO. *I* feel like a parasite. I cannot in good conscience tend the garden and pay bills online while DH gives himself heart disease due to his job. In our situation only, it is not worth it to have one partner contentedly Making a Homelife while the other one is taking years off his life because of a stressful career that he can't scale back.

(and to the gratuitous meanie earlier, I did in fact have a high-profile career. Which is relevant because ....)

I can't figure out what to do. Can't return to the old profession unless I want 1970s latch-key kids, as DH and I would be home from approx. 9:30 pm to 7:45 a.m..

Serious question for lawyer-journalist-policy moms: where are the semi-professional 8 a.m. - 1 p.m. jobs? The government? Non-profits? They don't exist for employees not previously in the organization for years, right?

I agree with the part of this that says that it is very difficult to find a decent part-time or reasonable-hours job in many fields. I am a SAHM who would love to work part-time, but that just isn't going to happen, and for our family, it is better for me to be home than working full-time. Many WOHMs often say "well, work part-time" as if it were easy to do that--it isn't.

[Anonymous]

As for lawyer jobs, the best hours are with the government, IMHO. I went from private practice to SAHM to government. I make a fraction of what I did but can work from home 1 day/week (some offices allow more and maybe I should have pursued that) and the hours are flexible (any 8). Plus, a lot of government lawyer offices allow 80% with benefits.

But this doesn't get to what you want: 8-1.

I am able to work a 7 till 3:30 shift which gets me home by the time the school bus drops off. And I can start a little later on my work at home day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The WOHM PP from a number of posts ago, who gave a thoughtful answer and said that deep down, much of the venom directed at SAHMs by WOHMs is driven by jealousy, had it right. (Now, of course, defensive WOHMs will leap in to assure us all that they don't have a jealous bone in their bodies, they feel sorry for SAHMs, etc., etc...)

I used to be a SHAM, but returned to work when the kids got older. I do have a choice and I could have SAH, but honestly I found it really tiresome to constantly have conversations that revolved around bitching about our partners, diaper sizes, and the latest class offerings at the YMCA. I was very lucky to find a flexible PT work situation. We are looking at having #3 and I am 100% uncomfortable about putting an infant in daycare, so I'm quite terrified at the prospect of being home for the 2 years and losing my extremely flexible job. I might just invest in a nanny and only net a few hundred a month just to get past the first two years without losing my job.

I still have many SAHM friends and unlike on this board and the exclamations of wedded domestic bliss, many of them are miserable and frustrated being at home, but terribly intimidated and lost at the prospect of entering the work force again. There have been many a tear shed on my shoulder. Many of their husbands have checked out and leave all of the housekeeping and child rearing to their wives living at home in quiet desperation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The WOHM PP from a number of posts ago, who gave a thoughtful answer and said that deep down, much of the venom directed at SAHMs by WOHMs is driven by jealousy, had it right. (Now, of course, defensive WOHMs will leap in to assure us all that they don't have a jealous bone in their bodies, they feel sorry for SAHMs, etc., etc...)

I used to be a SHAM, but returned to work when the kids got older. I do have a choice and I could have SAH, but honestly I found it really tiresome to constantly have conversations that revolved around bitching about our partners, diaper sizes, and the latest class offerings at the YMCA. I was very lucky to find a flexible PT work situation. We are looking at having #3 and I am 100% uncomfortable about putting an infant in daycare, so I'm quite terrified at the prospect of being home for the 2 years and losing my extremely flexible job. I might just invest in a nanny and only net a few hundred a month just to get past the first two years without losing my job.

I still have many SAHM friends and unlike on this board and the exclamations of wedded domestic bliss, many of them are miserable and frustrated being at home, but terribly intimidated and lost at the prospect of entering the work force again. There have been many a tear shed on my shoulder. Many of their husbands have checked out and leave all of the housekeeping and child rearing to their wives living at home in quiet desperation.

Seriously? Wow. Sounds terrible for them. Sounds like it would help them to go to marriage counseling (not being sarcastic) or see a therapist about their fears about re-entering the workforce (again, not sarcastic). I am a SAHM with many SAHM friends and that truly doesn't sound like anyone I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alas, I'm a WOHM and think some of the WOHMs responding here really do sound bitter. But PP, ONE WOHM responded that her animosity towards SAHMs is driven by jealousy. Don't jump to the conclusion (not that you necessarily are) that all WOHMs are jealous. I love my career. I love working. I don't necessarily have to work as DH makes very good money. But I just like to work. I'm not jealous at all b/c I'm doing exactly what I want to do and what is best for my family.

But just like SAHMs get defensive when WOHMs make them sound like lazy, martini-at-lunch drinking, exercise-obsessed know-it-alls, us WOHMs get defensive when SAHMs imply that we are sub-par, inferior mothers with nothing other than our careers on our minds.

Personally, I think it sounds fantastic to not work after your kids are off to school. I don't think I could ever do it (I would find myself watching way too much Days of Our Lives, much like my mother), but for those with the choice - great!

Agree in general, but NO ONE here said anything like that! OP asked an innocent question, and it was the WOHMs who started getting nasty and critical (not to mentikon purposefully ignoring OP's question). Seriously, read the thread and you will not see any criticism of WOHMs from SAHMs here, only the opposite.

I agree there isn't anything overly directed toward WOHMs. I also agree that most of the critical, asinine things being thrown out are from WOHMs.

I think the problem is that - depending on which side of this you are on - you read into the posts a little. As a WOHM, I definitely see myself getting defensive when some of the SAHM posts go on and on about how great it is to be full-time mothers and be around to watch every second of their child's life and can't imagine missing out on their lives. Sometimes, as a WOHM, you just can't help but think the implication being made by SAHMs is that WOHMs AREN'T full-time mothers and aren't around to see the important developments of their child's life. I know a lot of it is driven by the sensitivity of what is at stake - being a good mother. Just trying to show that I think both sides read a bit too much into things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahem. "Bitter WOHM?" Not me. I'm happy. I work. I took very long maternity leaves, but I've always worked -- now I work a reduced schedule, which is worth it because I make a good living. My marriage is solid, my children are happy and thriving, and my home runs just fine, because I can afford someone to take care of household tasks while I am working. My husband does not have to "work his ass off" because we SHARE family duties. He gets to spend time with his kids, and so do I. We BOTH get to exercise, and have a balanced life. I could not imagine having him support us on his own while I went to the gym, and took cooking classes, and frankly, I don't think he'd much care for it either (he's a great cook). And if, heaven forbid, he was not around tomorrrow, mine and my children's lifestyles would be unaffected because I can handle it. We live beneath our means, but we are providing for our children's education and our retirement. I read some of these posts and it seems like for some of you, nothing has changed since the 1950's, except now some women go to college and grad school to become glorified housekeepers.

I call this bitter.

You do, PP? I call it a brutally honest description of the lifestyles of the lazy.

Working PP lives in reality. That's a fine example of a marriage - a true partnership.

And to the PPs who said I had a rather bitter view toward marriage - really? I ENJOY helping my husband with the finances b/c I can. I have a career.

And, heaven forbid something happens to him, guess who can take over? That person would be THIS poster. not bitter - quite happy to know that I'm in a 50-50 relationship, not a one-sided marriage where the man is calling the shots while June runs her vacuum over the rug as she waits for Beaver to return home so that she can make him a delicious and healthy snack purchased by the money Ward left on the table for his wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahem. "Bitter WOHM?" Not me. I'm happy. I work. I took very long maternity leaves, but I've always worked -- now I work a reduced schedule, which is worth it because I make a good living. My marriage is solid, my children are happy and thriving, and my home runs just fine, because I can afford someone to take care of household tasks while I am working. My husband does not have to "work his ass off" because we SHARE family duties. He gets to spend time with his kids, and so do I. We BOTH get to exercise, and have a balanced life. I could not imagine having him support us on his own while I went to the gym, and took cooking classes, and frankly, I don't think he'd much care for it either (he's a great cook). And if, heaven forbid, he was not around tomorrrow, mine and my children's lifestyles would be unaffected because I can handle it. We live beneath our means, but we are providing for our children's education and our retirement. I read some of these posts and it seems like for some of you, nothing has changed since the 1950's, except now some women go to college and grad school to become glorified housekeepers.

I call this bitter.

You do, PP? I call it a brutally honest description of the lifestyles of the lazy.

Working PP lives in reality. That's a fine example of a marriage - a true partnership.

And to the PPs who said I had a rather bitter view toward marriage - really? I ENJOY helping my husband with the finances b/c I can. I have a career.

And, heaven forbid something happens to him, guess who can take over? That person would be THIS poster. not bitter - quite happy to know that I'm in a 50-50 relationship, not a one-sided marriage where the man is calling the shots while June runs her vacuum over the rug as she waits for Beaver to return home so that she can make him a delicious and healthy snack purchased by the money Ward left on the table for his wife

You really don't get it. Your words ARE bitter, whatever you claim. Not to mention that your view of marriage is remarkably hostile! Gee. if I were married to the sort of man you envision, I would be unhappy too. Fortunately, our marriage doesn't need me working for money to be equal.

OP, ignore the naysayers (as I am about to start doing as well)...

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM with a baby. I have no idea whether I will go back to work when she starts school, but if we can afford it, I'll probably continue to stay home.

My husband loves his job, thankfully, and he loves me, and he loves that I am the one who is caring for our daughter during the day.

If something happens -- he leaves me, he dies, he loses his job -- guess what? I'll go back to work then.

I feel incredibly lucky. I love being at home a lot more than I ever loved my career. I should go back to work just so I can say I have a job, even if it's a job I don't love, even if it's money we don't need, so that we then have to pay a nanny or a daycare and probably a housekeeper, just so I can be out of the house? I don't think so. There is no honor in collecting a paycheck you don't want or need or doing work you don't love just for the sake of it. I would be dispensable to any boss; the one person in the entire world to whom I am irreplaceable is my daughter. I'm thrilled to be able to stay at home with her now and hopefully in the future.

To those of you who found careers that you love enough that you would rather do them than stay at home, congratulations. Seriously, more power to you. I never had that. The things I love to do most are not things that I've figured out a way to get paid for. But the venom toward moms who choose to stay at home does seem tinged with some sort of bitterness, either because you didn't have that growing or can't have it now. Otherwise, why care? I don't care that some moms who can afford it choose to work anyway. It's none of my business what works for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And, heaven forbid something happens to him, guess who can take over? That person would be THIS poster. not bitter - quite happy to know that I'm in a 50-50 relationship, not a one-sided marriage where the man is calling the shots while June runs her vacuum over the rug as she waits for Beaver to return home so that she can make him a delicious and healthy snack purchased by the money Ward left on the table for his wife

You do seem to have a teeny tiny chip on your shoulder, about something, there, PP.

[Anonymous]

Professor mom checking in on this thread and sad to see how it's (predictably) devolved into the same old tired SAHM/WM debate.

Working moms of any stripe, please don't post on this thread. The OP wasn't addressing you. I shouldn't have posted but did since I'm trying to decide between continuing in my current job, taking an Administration job, and staying home. But the OP was seeking advice from SAHMs with children in school. I see nothing in her initial post asking for comments on her choices. If we're all so busy and fulfilled at our jobs, surely we can refrain from weighing in on a topic that has nothing to do with us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The WOHM PP from a number of posts ago, who gave a thoughtful answer and said that deep down, much of the venom directed at SAHMs by WOHMs is driven by jealousy, had it right. (Now, of course, defensive WOHMs will leap in to assure us all that they don't have a jealous bone in their bodies, they feel sorry for SAHMs, etc., etc...)

I said that, but I think you simplify a bit of what I said. I am jealous of SAHMs because they have the choice. It's nice to have choices. And I don't.

If I did, I am not sure what I would do. I might try not working for awhile (it's been almost 20 years without a break) and then go to work doing something I think I would like that may pay less $$. Because again I'd have that choice.

I did admit that sometimes some of the invective from SAHMs to WMs did get to me. The stuff about losing precious time with my child that I'll never get back; how can I justify leaving my kids with a stranger -- stuff like that made me hit back hard. Because I disagree that I don't have a close relationship with my kids, and our beloved nanny is not a "stranger".

But there was jealousy too. I would love a sabbatical. I would love to pursue risky career option that would be more interesting and maybe pay less than the one I have now.

But you know, WM's are mean to SAHMs too, and I can't speak for their motives, though some women may feel as I do (and some don't). Still WMs don't have to tell SAHMs that they're basically a burden on society for not working or that their pursuits are not worthwhile and they depend to much on a man and that is not a partnership (if it's not your marriage, you don't know).

Working or staying home? Public or private school? Nanny or no? These are all important lifestyle choices that involve some degree of compromise. We all want to think we're doing THE BEST for our kid, so we criticize each other's choices. It's ridiculous. We can all make different choice and still be doing THE BEST EACH OF US CAN.

These arguments get women absolutely nowhere together. I'm better off reading how to have a bubble butt or where to pick up a good foundation. People are nice there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahem. "Bitter WOHM?" Not me. I'm happy. I work. I took very long maternity leaves, but I've always worked -- now I work a reduced schedule, which is worth it because I make a good living. My marriage is solid, my children are happy and thriving, and my home runs just fine, because I can afford someone to take care of household tasks while I am working. My husband does not have to "work his ass off" because we SHARE family duties. He gets to spend time with his kids, and so do I. We BOTH get to exercise, and have a balanced life. I could not imagine having him support us on his own while I went to the gym, and took cooking classes, and frankly, I don't think he'd much care for it either (he's a great cook). And if, heaven forbid, he was not around tomorrrow, mine and my children's lifestyles would be unaffected because I can handle it. We live beneath our means, but we are providing for our children's education and our retirement. I read some of these posts and it seems like for some of you, nothing has changed since the 1950's, except now some women go to college and grad school to become glorified housekeepers.

I call this bitter.

You do, PP? I call it a brutally honest description of the lifestyles of the lazy.

Working PP lives in reality. That's a fine example of a marriage - a true partnership.

And to the PPs who said I had a rather bitter view toward marriage - really? I ENJOY helping my husband with the finances b/c I can. I have a career.

And, heaven forbid something happens to him, guess who can take over? That person would be THIS poster. not bitter - quite happy to know that I'm in a 50-50 relationship, not a one-sided marriage where the man is calling the shots while June runs her vacuum over the rug as she waits for Beaver to return home so that she can make him a delicious and healthy snack purchased by the money Ward left on the table for his wife

You are hysterical!!!