SAHM with kids in school

[Anonymous]

While I am sure what the PP describes is true for some, it is also not true for many. I have many SAHM friends with husbands who are "working their asses off" as you put it. Mine included. We figure out a way to make it work. I certainly tell you that for him, it is a huge relief to not have to compete with my work schedule and to have all of the at home things taken care of so he can focus on work and when he is at home, he can focus on our family solely. I take care of food, kids, house needs, medical, gifts, parents, bills, finances, social life, health, cooking, etc. It is not a life of leisure, but it is a blessing to be able to do these things for our family. Yes, it is so much more "traditional" than I ever thought I would be. But the surprise to me has been that I actually like it and so does my husband. We have a good marriage, with the typical good times and bad, but we are committed and happy. I agree that keeping your skills up is a good idea, and that many women do get left, often without much warning, but not sure working for that reason alone makes sense. It seems like such a distrustful way to live life. Now, I do insist on my own savings account. We put money into it so that I do have that separate security. I also continue to contribute to my own retirement account. I would strongly encourage SAHMs to structre there finances so that they have access to their own money if the time should ever come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I am sure what the PP describes is true for some, it is also not true for many. I have many SAHM friends with husbands who are "working their asses off" as you put it. Mine included. We figure out a way to make it work. I certainly tell you that for him, it is a huge relief to not have to compete with my work schedule and to have all of the at home things taken care of so he can focus on work and when he is at home, he can focus on our family solely. I take care of food, kids, house needs, medical, gifts, parents, bills, finances, social life, health, cooking, etc. It is not a life of leisure, but it is a blessing to be able to do these things for our family. Yes, it is so much more "traditional" than I ever thought I would be. But the surprise to me has been that I actually like it and so does my husband. We have a good marriage, with the typical good times and bad, but we are committed and happy. I agree that keeping your skills up is a good idea, and that many women do get left, often without much warning, but not sure working for that reason alone makes sense. It seems like such a distrustful way to live life. Now, I do insist on my own savings account. We put money into it so that I do have that separate security. I also continue to contribute to my own retirement account. I would strongly encourage SAHMs to structre there finances so that they have access to their own money if the time should ever come.

'

You sound very sensible. No, you don't want to live a distrustful existence, but you do need to prepare for a rainy day. Otherwise, why would anyone buy health insurance or life insurance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I am sure what the PP describes is true for some, it is also not true for many. I have many SAHM friends with husbands who are "working their asses off" as you put it. Mine included. We figure out a way to make it work. I certainly tell you that for him, it is a huge relief to not have to compete with my work schedule and to have all of the at home things taken care of so he can focus on work and when he is at home, he can focus on our family solely. I take care of food, kids, house needs, medical, gifts, parents, bills, finances, social life, health, cooking, etc. It is not a life of leisure, but it is a blessing to be able to do these things for our family. Yes, it is so much more "traditional" than I ever thought I would be. But the surprise to me has been that I actually like it and so does my husband. We have a good marriage, with the typical good times and bad, but we are committed and happy. I agree that keeping your skills up is a good idea, and that many women do get left, often without much warning, but not sure working for that reason alone makes sense. It seems like such a distrustful way to live life. Now, I do insist on my own savings account. We put money into it so that I do have that separate security. I also continue to contribute to my own retirement account. I would strongly encourage SAHMs to structre there finances so that they have access to their own money if the time should ever come.

Are your children in school full time? Because if that's the case, I'd definitely keep my skills up if I were you. Take courses. It happened to my friend - husband left her and her two boys for a younger woman. She had to scramble to get her life in order. You're also smart to insist on a savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, none of this is possible without someone (usually a husband) working their ass off so the SAHM can take cooking classes. Now, I know some men are fine with their wives having lots of leisure and volunteer time while they slave away at their jobs, but I also wonder how many men would love to be able to spend time on hobbies, work out etc. instead of working to support the entire family. Plus, what about the economic instability? I know at least 3 women who are in lousy marriages and the only reason they stay is because they'd have to go back to work and give up the lifestyle they have now. My only suggestion to the OP is that she take some of her free time to keep her skills and contacts up to date. You never know when you might have to re-enter the work force.

You've made an excellent point, PP. This is the reality: These women have the option to stay home and become ladies of leisure (sorry but it's the truth) b/c their husbands are bringing home the bacon!

How can any woman have self respect being in that situation? (And I don't care that this post is NOT about OP's original question b/c there's a bigger issue underlying this type of lifestyle.)

Once the kids are gone, get real and get a job. Yes, many of us deal with ailing parents or debilitating health issues, but most people in those situations still work - either b/c they have to (hmm - I believe health insurance may be of some importance here.) or want to for self-fulfillment. One of my friends has MS, and she's still teaching successfully - despite the fact that she's come into quite a bit of money.

It's embarrassing to see so many women who defend this lifestyle choice. Did you ever think that perhaps it's a control issue on the part of your husbands? How many women in defense of the OP's choice have mentioned that this decision has made their families happy? that it has made it easier on their families? Talk about martyrdom. Such good little ladies you are b/c you know your place is in the home.

Or maybe it's fear of re-entering (or entering, for that matter) the work force.

FWIW, I think it's great to stay at home when your kids are young - IF you can afford that luxury, but when they enter school full time, just how much ironing or dusting can you do in a day? And such intellectually stimulating activities those are! And guess what? Those who work also dust, iron, and cook.

So break out the pearls, ladies, b/c there's a vacuum cleaner sitting in the corner just waiting to be turned on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, none of this is possible without someone (usually a husband) working their ass off so the SAHM can take cooking classes. Now, I know some men are fine with their wives having lots of leisure and volunteer time while they slave away at their jobs, but I also wonder how many men would love to be able to spend time on hobbies, work out etc. instead of working to support the entire family. Plus, what about the economic instability? I know at least 3 women who are in lousy marriages and the only reason they stay is because they'd have to go back to work and give up the lifestyle they have now. My only suggestion to the OP is that she take some of her free time to keep her skills and contacts up to date. You never know when you might have to re-enter the work force.

You've made an excellent point, PP. This is the reality: These women have the option to stay home and become ladies of leisure (sorry but it's the truth) b/c their husbands are bringing home the bacon!

How can any woman have self respect being in that situation? (And I don't care that this post is NOT about OP's original question b/c there's a bigger issue underlying this type of lifestyle.)

Once the kids are gone, get real and get a job. Yes, many of us deal with ailing parents or debilitating health issues, but most people in those situations still work - either b/c they have to (hmm - I believe health insurance may be of some importance here.) or want to for self-fulfillment. One of my friends has MS, and she's still teaching successfully - despite the fact that she's come into quite a bit of money.

It's embarrassing to see so many women who defend this lifestyle choice. Did you ever think that perhaps it's a control issue on the part of your husbands? How many women in defense of the OP's choice have mentioned that this decision has made their families happy? that it has made it easier on their families? Talk about martyrdom. Such good little ladies you are b/c you know your place is in the home.

Or maybe it's fear of re-entering (or entering, for that matter) the work force.

FWIW, I think it's great to stay at home when your kids are young - IF you can afford that luxury, but when they enter school full time, just how much ironing or dusting can you do in a day? And such intellectually stimulating activities those are! And guess what? Those who work also dust, iron, and cook.

So break out the pearls, ladies, b/c there's a vacuum cleaner sitting in the corner just waiting to be turned on.

I knew it was only a matter of time before this became another screed against SAHMs, sigh. (And honestly, it does you no credit, poster, to outright state that you just don't care that this post has nothing to do with OP's question--makes you seem even less credible and persuasive, and makes you seem all the more condescending and self-centered ("I will talk about whatever *I* want, even if it's irrelevant, because *I* have determined that there is something that *I* consider more important...")

Control issue on the part of the husbands? Huh?? First of all, when did making family life easier and happier become about martyrdom?? Most SAHMs I know are content and grateful, hardly martyrs. Second, your questions betray a whole lot more about your view of marriage than anything about real, actual marriages out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, none of this is possible without someone (usually a husband) working their ass off so the SAHM can take cooking classes. Now, I know some men are fine with their wives having lots of leisure and volunteer time while they slave away at their jobs, but I also wonder how many men would love to be able to spend time on hobbies, work out etc. instead of working to support the entire family. Plus, what about the economic instability? I know at least 3 women who are in lousy marriages and the only reason they stay is because they'd have to go back to work and give up the lifestyle they have now. My only suggestion to the OP is that she take some of her free time to keep her skills and contacts up to date. You never know when you might have to re-enter the work force.

You've made an excellent point, PP. This is the reality: These women have the option to stay home and become ladies of leisure (sorry but it's the truth) b/c their husbands are bringing home the bacon!

How can any woman have self respect being in that situation? (And I don't care that this post is NOT about OP's original question b/c there's a bigger issue underlying this type of lifestyle.)

Once the kids are gone, get real and get a job. Yes, many of us deal with ailing parents or debilitating health issues, but most people in those situations still work - either b/c they have to (hmm - I believe health insurance may be of some importance here.) or want to for self-fulfillment. One of my friends has MS, and she's still teaching successfully - despite the fact that she's come into quite a bit of money.

It's embarrassing to see so many women who defend this lifestyle choice. Did you ever think that perhaps it's a control issue on the part of your husbands? How many women in defense of the OP's choice have mentioned that this decision has made their families happy? that it has made it easier on their families? Talk about martyrdom. Such good little ladies you are b/c you know your place is in the home.

Or maybe it's fear of re-entering (or entering, for that matter) the work force.

FWIW, I think it's great to stay at home when your kids are young - IF you can afford that luxury, but when they enter school full time, just how much ironing or dusting can you do in a day? And such intellectually stimulating activities those are! And guess what? Those who work also dust, iron, and cook.

So break out the pearls, ladies, b/c there's a vacuum cleaner sitting in the corner just waiting to be turned on.

I was about to respond to this post, but I realize that to respond would take way too long, because it is so misguided and wrong about so much, and her attitude and words clearly shows that she won't be persuaded, so I won't reply any further...

[Anonymous]

OP, so sorry that this thread is beginning to get hijacked by bitter WOHMs. To return to your question, have you considered doing something creative/intellectual that you've always wanted to do? Personally, on my "life list" is to learn a lot of foreign languages, and if I had the time, that is what I would do--is there something like that? I was just reading an article about true, authentic fulfillment and it made the excellent point that learning new things is critical to authentic happiness. Or do you harbor a secret dream to write the great American novel or something of that ilk? You could give that a try. And I totally second the PP who talked of doing things to make the lives of others better, both by volunteering in the community and also within your own family. Generosity and other-centered-ness are the way to go! Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, none of this is possible without someone (usually a husband) working their ass off so the SAHM can take cooking classes. Now, I know some men are fine with their wives having lots of leisure and volunteer time while they slave away at their jobs, but I also wonder how many men would love to be able to spend time on hobbies, work out etc. instead of working to support the entire family. Plus, what about the economic instability? I know at least 3 women who are in lousy marriages and the only reason they stay is because they'd have to go back to work and give up the lifestyle they have now. My only suggestion to the OP is that she take some of her free time to keep her skills and contacts up to date. You never know when you might have to re-enter the work force.

You've made an excellent point, PP. This is the reality: These women have the option to stay home and become ladies of leisure (sorry but it's the truth) b/c their husbands are bringing home the bacon!

How can any woman have self respect being in that situation? (And I don't care that this post is NOT about OP's original question b/c there's a bigger issue underlying this type of lifestyle.)

Once the kids are gone, get real and get a job. Yes, many of us deal with ailing parents or debilitating health issues, but most people in those situations still work - either b/c they have to (hmm - I believe health insurance may be of some importance here.) or want to for self-fulfillment. One of my friends has MS, and she's still teaching successfully - despite the fact that she's come into quite a bit of money.

It's embarrassing to see so many women who defend this lifestyle choice. Did you ever think that perhaps it's a control issue on the part of your husbands? How many women in defense of the OP's choice have mentioned that this decision has made their families happy? that it has made it easier on their families? Talk about martyrdom. Such good little ladies you are b/c you know your place is in the home.

Or maybe it's fear of re-entering (or entering, for that matter) the work force.

FWIW, I think it's great to stay at home when your kids are young - IF you can afford that luxury, but when they enter school full time, just how much ironing or dusting can you do in a day? And such intellectually stimulating activities those are! And guess what? Those who work also dust, iron, and cook.

So break out the pearls, ladies, b/c there's a vacuum cleaner sitting in the corner just waiting to be turned on.

Totally aside from the general obnoxiousness and misguidedness of this post, I have heard from many women who have "been there done that" that it is often just as important, even more important, to be a home presence after school once kids are in school. More mayhem goes on in the middle-school/high-school set between 3 p.m. and 6 p.m. than any other time.

[Anonymous]

Ahem. "Bitter WOHM?" Not me. I'm happy. I work. I took very long maternity leaves, but I've always worked -- now I work a reduced schedule, which is worth it because I make a good living. My marriage is solid, my children are happy and thriving, and my home runs just fine, because I can afford someone to take care of household tasks while I am working. My husband does not have to "work his ass off" because we SHARE family duties. He gets to spend time with his kids, and so do I. We BOTH get to exercise, and have a balanced life. I could not imagine having him support us on his own while I went to the gym, and took cooking classes, and frankly, I don't think he'd much care for it either (he's a great cook). And if, heaven forbid, he was not around tomorrorow, mine and my children's lifestyles would be unaffected because I can handle it. We live beneath our means, but we are providing for our children's education and our retirement. I read some of these posts and it seems like for some of you, nothing has changed since the 1950's, except now some women go to college and grad school to become glorified houskeepers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, none of this is possible without someone (usually a husband) working their ass off so the SAHM can take cooking classes. Now, I know some men are fine with their wives having lots of leisure and volunteer time while they slave away at their jobs, but I also wonder how many men would love to be able to spend time on hobbies, work out etc. instead of working to support the entire family. Plus, what about the economic instability? I know at least 3 women who are in lousy marriages and the only reason they stay is because they'd have to go back to work and give up the lifestyle they have now. My only suggestion to the OP is that she take some of her free time to keep her skills and contacts up to date. You never know when you might have to re-enter the work force.

You've made an excellent point, PP. This is the reality: These women have the option to stay home and become ladies of leisure (sorry but it's the truth) b/c their husbands are bringing home the bacon!

How can any woman have self respect being in that situation? (And I don't care that this post is NOT about OP's original question b/c there's a bigger issue underlying this type of lifestyle.)

Once the kids are gone, get real and get a job. Yes, many of us deal with ailing parents or debilitating health issues, but most people in those situations still work - either b/c they have to (hmm - I believe health insurance may be of some importance here.) or want to for self-fulfillment. One of my friends has MS, and she's still teaching successfully - despite the fact that she's come into quite a bit of money.

It's embarrassing to see so many women who defend this lifestyle choice. Did you ever think that perhaps it's a control issue on the part of your husbands? How many women in defense of the OP's choice have mentioned that this decision has made their families happy? that it has made it easier on their families? Talk about martyrdom. Such good little ladies you are b/c you know your place is in the home.

Or maybe it's fear of re-entering (or entering, for that matter) the work force.

FWIW, I think it's great to stay at home when your kids are young - IF you can afford that luxury, but when they enter school full time, just how much ironing or dusting can you do in a day? And such intellectually stimulating activities those are! And guess what? Those who work also dust, iron, and cook.

So break out the pearls, ladies, b/c there's a vacuum cleaner sitting in the corner just waiting to be turned on.

Clearly this is hard for many to stomach, but you are completely spot on.

Funny thing that the SAHMs get so defensive, NEWS FLASH you are no longer a SAHM when your kids return to school. You are someone who does not work.

Many SAHMs proclaim to have had "high-profile careers" (favorite DCUM term) before children, somehow I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

SAHM with kids in school here. Oh my god, it sucks. Get me a job, please! Yes, I have friends, yes, I have leisure, and yes I work out 2 hrs a day. But really, I cannot wait to get beck to work- I have been looking since school started in September...still looking.

I am embarrassed so many of my SAHM peers live these 1950's lives. I know I deserve more from my life, and so does my DD, who spends a lot of her free time helping me with resumes.

I agree with PP's that husband has a lot to do with this. Some husbands want to be taken care of, and don't mind working their asses off to get it. Others resent their wives for not working. A SAHM friend who just went back to work part time has her husband jumping for joy. At some point, SAHM wife can seem like a parasite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ahem. "Bitter WOHM?" Not me. I'm happy. I work. I took very long maternity leaves, but I've always worked -- now I work a reduced schedule, which is worth it because I make a good living. My marriage is solid, my children are happy and thriving, and my home runs just fine, because I can afford someone to take care of household tasks while I am working. My husband does not have to "work his ass off" because we SHARE family duties. He gets to spend time with his kids, and so do I. We BOTH get to exercise, and have a balanced life. I could not imagine having him support us on his own while I went to the gym, and took cooking classes, and frankly, I don't think he'd much care for it either (he's a great cook). And if, heaven forbid, he was not around tomorrorow, mine and my children's lifestyles would be unaffected because I can handle it. We live beneath our means, but we are providing for our children's education and our retirement. I read some of these posts and it seems like for some of you, nothing has changed since the 1950's, except now some women go to college and grad school to become glorified houskeepers.

I call this bitter.

[Anonymous]

PP, you say you're not bitter, but "news flash" to you as well: when your comments are sarcastic and just plain mean, you sure sound bitter!

[Anonymous]

The WOHM PP from a number of posts ago, who gave a thoughtful answer and said that deep down, much of the venom directed at SAHMs by WOHMs is driven by jealousy, had it right. (Now, of course, defensive WOHMs will leap in to assure us all that they don't have a jealous bone in their bodies, they feel sorry for SAHMs, etc., etc...)

[Anonymous]

Well, I work full time right now and have two children with one due this summer. I have to work right now, but I will seriously consider quitting if my husband's income increases once all of our kids are in school--so 5 years from now. I would love to be a SAHM once all my kids are in school! I can't do it now because of finances, but maybe in the future I can....I could start a part time business, excercise, volunteer, participate more at their schools, etc. Time to myself, more time with my kids than I currently have, and an opportunity to pursue things I find fulfilling besides work. Sounds great to me, and good luck OP.