Private school vs paying for inlaws extended care

[Anonymous]

I would echo what some of the PP are saying. This doesn't seem to be a choice between destitute on the streets and a roof over their heads but between so so facility and preferred facility. You would be taking on a huge commitment where the costs are only going up. What if the costs go up faster than you can keep up? Could there be some other expense that comes up in addition to assisted living as time goes on? Will your in-laws be able to pay what they were planning to pay for the so-so assisted living facility if you helped them pay for the more expensive place or could that even be in jeopardy based on their spending habits?

It also sounds like high school for your kids is between a so-so public school and preferred school, not necessarily that this is the difference between you child working to his/her potential versus falling thru the cracks. However, if you commit to the more expensive assisted living facility you have cut off the option for your kids should they need more than the local public school can provide.

I would be very conservative about the commitment and either help them pay for the so-so facility so they have a little more financial breathing room or find something in between in terms of cost even if it means looking some distance. My mom is a proponent of doing what you can afford to do and making the best of it. In this case the so-so facility is what they can afford. It's easier to try something and move up to something nicer than get used to something really nice and then have to take a step down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.

It doesn't work that way. You cannot make adults pay for something they do not want to fund, unless maybe you steal from them, hack their bank accounts, jump them in an alley, whatever. An adult is going to do what s/he is going to do - end of story. As my mother used to say, "you worry about yourself."

OP, you do sound like a class act. Best of luck to you.

of course you can't force them to pay up. but OP should explain to them all now that of the in-laws money and assets will go towards paying their bills now and there should be no expectation that there will be anything left to inherit.

I have seen a similar scenario played out a few times over the years. Despite the kids knowing that their parents were in a nursing facility, that the facility cost money, and that a family member or two were responsible for paying for the nursing facility and doing so entailed using the parents assets, the grown adult children were still shocked when the parents passed to find out there was nothing they were going to inherit. There was some illusion that the sibling that was paying the bills was doing it from their own pocket and working to ensure their would be an inheritance for the other family members.

Are you folks even reading this thread? OP says that all assets have been liquidated and they are living with her SIL until a long-term situation is determined. There is nothing to inherit. Her in-laws need all their money for their own living expenses. OP, is considering whether to give them more money to allow them to live in a nicer assisted living facility.

I am the one who posted the advice and yes, I read that but also know that sometimes "all assets have been liquidated" means all the assets that could be traced easily or proven. This doesn't mean there are not other assets (expensive antiques, jewelry, art, etc )or just our right cash that they have. And this is why there is hold out of hope for an inheritance. If the OP is going to truly use all of their available assets and cash to pay for their living expenses she needs to make that clear to the other siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:....maybe they don't have money because they spent it on sending DH to private? just something for you to ponder. that school you are so fond of was once funded by the inlays who now need your assistance.

some of these replies are cold-blooded.

What we heard up front was that they worked for a long time and just didn't save. My parents sent me to private schools, but that is not the reason they are destitute now. They worked for decades and earned a high income after they stopped paying for my education. During those decades, they failed to practice good financial defense, so they didn't save as much as they could have, and they also squandered what they did save after retirement. If you add up the money they squandered plus the money they failed to save, you are looking at an extremely comfortable and secure retirement that was stupidly thrown away -- and this had nothing to do with what they spent on me thirty years ago.

So yeah, I owe them, but I'm not the reason they're bust.

As for the cold blooded part, you may not have dealt with this type of situation, but they will drag you down into the pit of irresponsible bankruptcy if you let them. Not even kidding. They flat-out lied to me about their situation for many years ("oh no, we're fine" - while they were pissing money away hand over fist) and then openly defied me when I finally intervened (e.g., two days after I told them to stop spending any more money, and specifically said not to pay anyone anything, they paid $2,000 for something stupid and then lost another $1,500 in cash, and I still don't know where it is).

In short, you have to be cold blooded for your own protection. You must control what is done with your money. If you give them control of your money, they will throw it away. Do not expect them to alter the habits of a lifetime.

You also need to be cold-blooded with the other relatives who are "unwilling" to help financially. It should be clearly understood up front that the family members paying the bills should get full control of any remaining assets and should become the beneficiary of any life insurance policies.

[Anonymous]

OP, if they can live on their own, there are some housing programs with subsidized assistance for seniors. There are a few in Montgomery County. We looked at some for my MIL but she needs a higher level of care. Most areas have them. I would not do private school regardless.

[Anonymous]

OP, do the grandparents understand that they are taking something important to your family from their grandkids? My grandma would offer to move into a hovel before she'd agree to compromise on her grandkids (not that we'd ever let that happen, she is awesome). I get a serious sense of self-absorption or entitlement from the description of the grandparents here.

I think you're going to be paying for a lot more than just the equivalent to the high school tuition, also. If they aren't willing to consider a cheaper alternative now, what happens if they're already there and you have a family emergency and cannot pay? What if one of you loses a job?

From your description it sounds like they feel shame at having their financial situation exposed, but not much shame at having put the family at financial risk or shame at their expectations that their needs trump.

[Anonymous]

Good points:look for any shielded assets, see if there is a whole life policy which could be cashed in. I wouldn't pay for the higher assisted living without searching personally...maybe they can't live in the center of the city and need to move to a small town setting. And if you are going to help them, you need to create a new budget for them AND you before you commit to private school.

[Anonymous]

Plus, private school should be 4 yrs/child for high school vs 10+ yrs of assisted living possibly? Maybe they'd be happier in Florida

[Anonymous]

One thing about having them go to the more expensive assisted living place is that they will be around tons of couples with more money than they have. Those couples maybe going on nice trips or other things that may make your ILs feel out of place.

Is there a happy medium- an assisted living place that isn't so posh and less expensive? Ala Culpepper Garden in Arlington?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is this referred to? The sandwich generation, right?

Glad my parents had me in their early 20s and I had my kids in my mid 20s. By the time my parents are in their 80s, I'll be in my 60s and my kids in their late 30s.

How nice for you.

[Anonymous]

So many of you are conveniently ignoring the fact that a lot of seniors lost a significant portion of their retirement when the market tanked. This was not something they could have planned for and it can happen to any of us--hopefully, not after it is too late to make up the losses.

[Anonymous]

If you do go down the assisted living route, you really need to understand and research it - I would start with your financial advisor and consider other independent sources. My mother spent 3 years planning with all her kids and we still had some very surprising issues at the end with one of the highest rated facilities in the country. . .they changed the price the day before contract signed and were asking for more money from kids when they suspected there was possible additional cash from kids. our financial advisor and hers had warned on some of the issues, but even so, it was a surprise how bad it played out.

my mom went with an alternative "model" and has ended up being far happier. Smartest decision she said she made. Per the other pp, there are a lot of "extras" in many of the social events (trips, meals) and if they are with wealthier tennants, its worse.

[Anonymous]

When looking at facilities, look at the number of years of "spend-down" before medicaid would cover them. If one home doesn't take medicaid at all and one home will let them go on medicaid after 3 years of monthly payments, you'd probably want to go for home B. (this is not a factor in states where there are state-run medicaid facilities vs. totally private ones that don't accept medicaid funding, like PA.)

Assume that assisted living could run $5K+ per person per month, and that number goes up for Alzheimer's & Dementia care. (higher level of skilled nursing care, lower number of patients per caregiver.)

[Anonymous]

OP, kudos to you for wanting to help your ILs. Could you all (you, DH, and MIL/FIL) tour the desired facility and the affordable facility and then have a frank discussion about the cost/value of each? If the difference in quality really is that great, I'd help them pay for the better facility. But perhaps they have not fully considered what the cheaper place has to offer.

[Anonymous]

OP here! Update: I buckled down and set up 5 tours of facilities over the weekend. Some a little bit far, some very no frills/modest, some in less than desirable areas but all "decent" in terms of care (Accordingly to personal recommendations). The assisted living that they would love to go to and have a community of friends at is really not a good idea for them or us. Its just too expensive and I don't want to stretch it that far. Even thought I know we COULD do it I am not comfortable spending it. I am however committed to find a place we all like and that we will happily pay for. We decided to add X amount of dollars to their monthly income and are now touring places that fit that number. Thanks for the input, I really appreciate it and find it useful and interesting. Not sure what we are going to go about high school now but I plan to leave enough room in our yearly budget that we could do both modest assisted living facility and private high school even if that means I work additional hours or we cut back in other areas. (I work in the medical field and luckily have access to overtime, phew!) Thanks again and I am still going to follow the thread for others opinions.

PS: About DH sibs who cannot help: we decided not to investigate whether they truly can't or won't help. We have just decided to keep peace in the family and take on the parental responsibility. I want to keep family gatherings peaceful and joyous while we are all still lucky enough to have my in laws with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many of you are conveniently ignoring the fact that a lot of seniors lost a significant portion of their retirement when the market tanked. This was not something they could have planned for and it can happen to any of us--hopefully, not after it is too late to make up the losses.

Sorry, that is also bad planning. They should have gotten out of the stock market and moved into something more conservative.

Anonymous wrote:OP here! Update: I buckled down and set up 5 tours of facilities over the weekend. Some a little bit far, some very no frills/modest, some in less than desirable areas but all "decent" in terms of care (Accordingly to personal recommendations). The assisted living that they would love to go to and have a community of friends at is really not a good idea for them or us. Its just too expensive and I don't want to stretch it that far. Even thought I know we COULD do it I am not comfortable spending it. I am however committed to find a place we all like and that we will happily pay for. We decided to add X amount of dollars to their monthly income and are now touring places that fit that number. Thanks for the input, I really appreciate it and find it useful and interesting. Not sure what we are going to go about high school now but I plan to leave enough room in our yearly budget that we could do both modest assisted living facility and private high school even if that means I work additional hours or we cut back in other areas. (I work in the medical field and luckily have access to overtime, phew!) Thanks again and I am still going to follow the thread for others opinions.

PS: About DH sibs who cannot help: we decided not to investigate whether they truly can't or won't help. We have just decided to keep peace in the family and take on the parental responsibility. I want to keep family gatherings peaceful and joyous while we are all still lucky enough to have my in laws with us.

Please tell me you're not going to give the money to the in-laws, but pay the facility directly.

It is all very well to preserve family peace, but you should still have the conversation with your parents about any remaining assets or life insurance policies.

I would certainly encourage you to make them sign for every payment as a loan -- which you will not call in while they are alive, but which would be a claim against the estate after they pass away.

Your husband must be a saintly man indeed. I would not be able to remain at peace with siblings who refused to help in this situation.