Private school vs paying for inlaws extended care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We recently had a "come to Jesus talk" with my (not healthy) inlaws and realize they have VERY little in savings. Its somewhat of a surprise because they were both long working professionals who enjoyed an upper middle class lifestyle. They simply did not save enough and also had a few bad property investments. Anyways during this family meeting we also realized we are the only ones (out of DHs siblings) who are willing to supplement the my inlaws income. This comes right at a time where my kids are in middle school and we were planning on sending them to a private high school both DH and I are fond of (alumni) and our kids have interest in. We are now wondering if the more responsible thing to do is send kids to public high school (decent school) and help inlaws out. (If it isn't clear my kids are currently in public and up until now had the plan of sending them to private high school) I am not willing to dip into retirement or college contributions. We were planning to pay for high school out of pocket but paying for in laws expenses and high school is not going to work (trust me I've redone our budget on paper about 6 different ways). I love my inlaws and they are great grandparents and I do want to help. Anyone been in this type of situation? Suggestions or alternative ideas welcomed! Their health is not good and we are working around estimated figures according to social workers and practitioners...its obviously only an estimate but we've been told a pretty realistic one.

This is the part that got me... you have to make major changes to YOUR life/lives because no one else is willing to help?!? To me, that's bs. Maybe (maybe) it would be a different story if no one else could, or if your help was the difference between your inlaws living destitute in the street or not, but having everyone else in the scenario just not wanting to take responsibility would really get to me. I don't think it's at all fair that you'd be solely responsible for creating the idea situation.

There's got to be a happy medium somewhere. Maybe you guys help out as much as you can while still sending your kids to private school, and the rest of the family combined makes up the difference? Or your inlaws find a middle ground between their desired location and "the one they can afford"? Maybe they get great care, but have to move farther away?

and how do you propose to make other grown folks do something they do not want? OP is doing the smart thing which is not counting on anyone else's help and trying to plan what strategy is best to employ. stomping around mad and the unfairness of it all is totally useless.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a class act!

Though your kids might miss out on private school, think of the lessons they are learning from your compassion and loyalty. You are teaching your kids to take care of their own, not many Americans espouse these kind of high values you are modeling.

[Anonymous]

OP - this week, my mom is moving my gmom (96) from her 55+ condo to an assisted living bldg (in the same complex). It is to be a temporary thing for 30 days while gmom recovers from some health issues. That 30 day "observation" is 9k. If they (facility & my mom) decide after 15 days that gmom can not return to her condo, she will move probably to their level II assisted living ($4500/mth) from there it only goes up.
Assisted living is not cheap.

[Anonymous]

All I can say is that you're a saint, OP. You're obviously very diligent with money and have a very generous spirit. My in-laws have similarly made poor choices and have no retirement savings whatsoever, and while I'm willing to help them out when the time comes, I would have a hard time not resenting giving up my own plans/dreams to do so. They're lucky folks to have you in their lives. Good luck with your decision.

[Anonymous]

What is this referred to? The sandwich generation, right?

Glad my parents had me in their early 20s and I had my kids in my mid 20s. By the time my parents are in their 80s, I'll be in my 60s and my kids in their late 30s.

[Anonymous]

As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We recently had a "come to Jesus talk" with my (not healthy) inlaws and realize they have VERY little in savings. Its somewhat of a surprise because they were both long working professionals who enjoyed an upper middle class lifestyle. They simply did not save enough and also had a few bad property investments. Anyways during this family meeting we also realized we are the only ones (out of DHs siblings) who are willing to supplement the my inlaws income. This comes right at a time where my kids are in middle school and we were planning on sending them to a private high school both DH and I are fond of (alumni) and our kids have interest in. We are now wondering if the more responsible thing to do is send kids to public high school (decent school) and help inlaws out. (If it isn't clear my kids are currently in public and up until now had the plan of sending them to private high school) I am not willing to dip into retirement or college contributions. We were planning to pay for high school out of pocket but paying for in laws expenses and high school is not going to work (trust me I've redone our budget on paper about 6 different ways). I love my inlaws and they are great grandparents and I do want to help. Anyone been in this type of situation? Suggestions or alternative ideas welcomed! Their health is not good and we are working around estimated figures according to social workers and practitioners...its obviously only an estimate but we've been told a pretty realistic one.

This is the part that got me... you have to make major changes to YOUR life/lives because no one else is willing to help?!? To me, that's bs. Maybe (maybe) it would be a different story if no one else could, or if your help was the difference between your inlaws living destitute in the street or not, but having everyone else in the scenario just not wanting to take responsibility would really get to me. I don't think it's at all fair that you'd be solely responsible for creating the idea situation.

There's got to be a happy medium somewhere. Maybe you guys help out as much as you can while still sending your kids to private school, and the rest of the family combined makes up the difference? Or your inlaws find a middle ground between their desired location and "the one they can afford"? Maybe they get great care, but have to move farther away?

and how do you propose to make other grown folks do something they do not want? OP is doing the smart thing which is not counting on anyone else's help and trying to plan what strategy is best to employ. stomping around mad and the unfairness of it all is totally useless.

Who said anything about stomping around? I'd just do my darndest to find an alternate solution... you know, like one of the suggestions I proposed? IF the first suggestion doesn't work (i.e., trying to convince the rest of the family to help out) then find a third option. I'm completely capable of being ticked off at a situation I don't think is fair while still trying to find a good solution for all involved.

[Anonymous]

I agree with many of the PPs that I admire your attitude on this, OP. Can you explain more about the difference between the nursing home they can afford and the one you would fund for them? If they can afford something decent (but maybe not the best), I'm not sure I'd sacrifice my own plans just so they could have the best. But if the option they can afford is awful, I might think differently. I definitely agree with your instinct to help them, I'm just wondering if you can help them slightly less than you're thinking.

[Anonymous]

Can you sit down with these other siblings and see what they could contribute, while explaining what you'd cut to be able to afford your share?
Do the siblings not understand that you will sacrifice to pay for this? Can they really not help AT ALL ?

[Anonymous]

They should sell their house and move into little studio.Hire somebody to help them with chores/driving/shopping/cleaning few times a week, and good to go!

[Anonymous]

Assisted living for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with many of the PPs that I admire your attitude on this, OP. Can you explain more about the difference between the nursing home they can afford and the one you would fund for them? If they can afford something decent (but maybe not the best), I'm not sure I'd sacrifice my own plans just so they could have the best. But if the option they can afford is awful, I might think differently. I definitely agree with your instinct to help them, I'm just wondering if you can help them slightly less than you're thinking.

I agree here. If it's an otherwise decent nursing home, just not what they would prefer, I think it is best to go with what they can afford. You can still help out in that situation.

Assisted living is expensive--and assisted living isn't nursing care, either. Rather than blowing through your savings for the fancy place, it might be better to be able to supplement care at a place they can afford on their own.

Another detail: I wouldn't give any significant amount of money without some agreement about a budget for your ILs and possibly some POA over their finances.

[Anonymous]

My kids' education comes first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with many of the PPs that I admire your attitude on this, OP. Can you explain more about the difference between the nursing home they can afford and the one you would fund for them? If they can afford something decent (but maybe not the best), I'm not sure I'd sacrifice my own plans just so they could have the best. But if the option they can afford is awful, I might think differently. I definitely agree with your instinct to help them, I'm just wondering if you can help them slightly less than you're thinking.

I agree here. If it's an otherwise decent nursing home, just not what they would prefer, I think it is best to go with what they can afford. You can still help out in that situation.

Assisted living is expensive--and assisted living isn't nursing care, either. Rather than blowing through your savings for the fancy place, it might be better to be able to supplement care at a place they can afford on their own.

Another detail: I wouldn't give any significant amount of money without some agreement about a budget for your ILs and possibly some POA over their finances.

+1

POA and will provisions that all assets will go to you since you will be footing the cost.

I would lay it out for the siblings: contribute or they are out of the will. Maybe they will change their tune and maybe they won't. At least it will be clear what is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.

It doesn't work that way. You cannot make adults pay for something they do not want to fund, unless maybe you steal from them, hack their bank accounts, jump them in an alley, whatever. An adult is going to do what s/he is going to do - end of story. As my mother used to say, "you worry about yourself."

OP, you do sound like a class act. Best of luck to you.