Private school vs paying for inlaws extended care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.

I do judge people for not planning ahead. Sorry, I just do. My mother saved like a crazy person to fund her own retirement, which she did successfully. She had only a high school education and never earned more than $30K (I'm guessing). But she made it happen - because she didn't want to jeopardize her kids' and grandchildren's needs being met.

I admire OP, but I do judge her ILs, who could have and should have saved, for not doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.

I do judge people for not planning ahead. Sorry, I just do. My mother saved like a crazy person to fund her own retirement, which she did successfully. She had only a high school education and never earned more than $30K (I'm guessing). But she made it happen - because she didn't want to jeopardize her kids' and grandchildren's needs being met.

I admire OP, but I do judge her ILs, who could have and should have saved, for not doing so.

And judging them is getting you ........where?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.

I do judge people for not planning ahead. Sorry, I just do. My mother saved like a crazy person to fund her own retirement, which she did successfully. She had only a high school education and never earned more than $30K (I'm guessing). But she made it happen - because she didn't want to jeopardize her kids' and grandchildren's needs being met.

I admire OP, but I do judge her ILs, who could have and should have saved, for not doing so.

And judging them is getting you ........where?

Nowhere. I'm not suggesting it gets me anywhere. It just is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.

It doesn't work that way. You cannot make adults pay for something they do not want to fund, unless maybe you steal from them, hack their bank accounts, jump them in an alley, whatever. An adult is going to do what s/he is going to do - end of story. As my mother used to say, "you worry about yourself."

OP, you do sound like a class act. Best of luck to you.

of course you can't force them to pay up. but OP should explain to them all now that of the in-laws money and assets will go towards paying their bills now and there should be no expectation that there will be anything left to inherit.

I have seen a similar scenario played out a few times over the years. Despite the kids knowing that their parents were in a nursing facility, that the facility cost money, and that a family member or two were responsible for paying for the nursing facility and doing so entailed using the parents assets, the grown adult children were still shocked when the parents passed to find out there was nothing they were going to inherit. There was some illusion that the sibling that was paying the bills was doing it from their own pocket and working to ensure their would be an inheritance for the other family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.

It doesn't work that way. You cannot make adults pay for something they do not want to fund, unless maybe you steal from them, hack their bank accounts, jump them in an alley, whatever. An adult is going to do what s/he is going to do - end of story. As my mother used to say, "you worry about yourself."

OP, you do sound like a class act. Best of luck to you.

of course you can't force them to pay up. but OP should explain to them all now that of the in-laws money and assets will go towards paying their bills now and there should be no expectation that there will be anything left to inherit.

I have seen a similar scenario played out a few times over the years. Despite the kids knowing that their parents were in a nursing facility, that the facility cost money, and that a family member or two were responsible for paying for the nursing facility and doing so entailed using the parents assets, the grown adult children were still shocked when the parents passed to find out there was nothing they were going to inherit. There was some illusion that the sibling that was paying the bills was doing it from their own pocket and working to ensure their would be an inheritance for the other family members.

Are you folks even reading this thread? OP says that all assets have been liquidated and they are living with her SIL until a long-term situation is determined. There is nothing to inherit. Her in-laws need all their money for their own living expenses. OP, is considering whether to give them more money to allow them to live in a nicer assisted living facility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As uncomfortable as the conversation would be, all the siblings need to pitch in to pay for the preferred assisted living. If that doesn't happen, no I wouldn't take it on yourself. It is a far bigger financial black hole than private school and one you can not easily remove yourself from in the future.

Also, don't be too hard on them for not saving. Having parents in the same age bracket I can tell you that neither of my parent anticipated living into their late 80's while they were younger and working. Your in laws may have thought the same and calculated retirement needs that have already run out or started to run out. The may have never envisioned living to 90 or older.

Wow, I would never let my kids grandparents live on the street. What kind of message does that send your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids' education comes first.

Money over people-ALWAYS. You are such a good American!

[Anonymous]

You may be a good DIL. You suck as a mom, why are you putting the ILs above your kids.
To damn bad for them, they should have saved better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a class act!

Though your kids might miss out on private school, think of the lessons they are learning from your compassion and loyalty. You are teaching your kids to take care of their own, not many Americans espouse these kind of high values you are modeling.

Think of the resentment they would have.

[Anonymous]

If the old people spent a lot on DH, maybe it is time to pay back.

If they spent mostly on themselves, then let them manage on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a class act!

Though your kids might miss out on private school, think of the lessons they are learning from your compassion and loyalty. You are teaching your kids to take care of their own, not many Americans espouse these kind of high values you are modeling.

Think of the resentment they would have.

Because they did not get to go to private school? They would have bigger problems having failed as parents raising such entitled brats when they had a perfectly good public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may be a good DIL. You suck as a mom, why are you putting the ILs above your kids.
To damn bad for them, they should have saved better.

yea, because kids who have to go to good public schools have bad parents.
Do I suck as a mom too? We have an income grazing 7 figures and our kids are relegated to public schools. Should I hurry up and make a huge donation to Sidwell and hope they can save my children from ruin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently had a "come to Jesus talk" with my (not healthy) inlaws and realize they have VERY little in savings. Its somewhat of a surprise because they were both long working professionals who enjoyed an upper middle class lifestyle. They simply did not save enough and also had a few bad property investments. Anyways during this family meeting we also realized we are the only ones (out of DHs siblings) who are willing to supplement the my inlaws income. This comes right at a time where my kids are in middle school and we were planning on sending them to a private high school both DH and I are fond of (alumni) and our kids have interest in. We are now wondering if the more responsible thing to do is send kids to public high school (decent school) and help inlaws out. (If it isn't clear my kids are currently in public and up until now had the plan of sending them to private high school) I am not willing to dip into retirement or college contributions. We were planning to pay for high school out of pocket but paying for in laws expenses and high school is not going to work (trust me I've redone our budget on paper about 6 different ways). I love my inlaws and they are great grandparents and I do want to help. Anyone been in this type of situation? Suggestions or alternative ideas welcomed! Their health is not good and we are working around estimated figures according to social workers and practitioners...its obviously only an estimate but we've been told a pretty realistic one.

Want to say first of all, that I feel your pain. I recently discovered that my mother had very little in savings left. She had been living beyond her means for years. I am angry and disgusted at her irresponsibility.

The good news, in my case, is that she at least had long-term care insurance, so she can move into a local assisted living facility. The local facilities are expensive -- we can do it because of the insurance but it would be out of the question without it.

Frankly, I would say put your kids first. If you can afford private high school for them, and you think that's best, you should do that. The inlaws will have to reap what they have sown.

Obviously do not dip into your retirement or college savings. Do not supplement their income. If they haven't been able to live responsibly up to now, you're just pouring more money down the rathole. You should insist on taking control of their finances, or else you wash your hands of them.

I wondered whether you had looked at more geographically distant facilities. If you have to put them in assisted living that is several hours away (or more), so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may be a good DIL. You suck as a mom, why are you putting the ILs above your kids.
To damn bad for them, they should have saved better.

yea, because kids who have to go to good public schools have bad parents.
Do I suck as a mom too? We have an income grazing 7 figures and our kids are relegated to public schools. Should I hurry up and make a huge donation to Sidwell and hope they can save my children from ruin?

pp, I don't think the previous pp was attacking the private vs public decision. You probably live in a big house in a great school district, OP said she is in an okay school district. No one except you mentioned Sidwell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently had a "come to Jesus talk" with my (not healthy) inlaws and realize they have VERY little in savings. Its somewhat of a surprise because they were both long working professionals who enjoyed an upper middle class lifestyle. They simply did not save enough and also had a few bad property investments. Anyways during this family meeting we also realized we are the only ones (out of DHs siblings) who are willing to supplement the my inlaws income. This comes right at a time where my kids are in middle school and we were planning on sending them to a private high school both DH and I are fond of (alumni) and our kids have interest in. We are now wondering if the more responsible thing to do is send kids to public high school (decent school) and help inlaws out. (If it isn't clear my kids are currently in public and up until now had the plan of sending them to private high school) I am not willing to dip into retirement or college contributions. We were planning to pay for high school out of pocket but paying for in laws expenses and high school is not going to work (trust me I've redone our budget on paper about 6 different ways). I love my inlaws and they are great grandparents and I do want to help. Anyone been in this type of situation? Suggestions or alternative ideas welcomed! Their health is not good and we are working around estimated figures according to social workers and practitioners...its obviously only an estimate but we've been told a pretty realistic one.

....maybe they don't have money because they spent it on sending DH to private? just something for you to ponder. that school you are so fond of was once funded by the inlays who now need your assistance.

some of these replies are cold-blooded. I don't think there is a perfect answer but I do like some of the ideas

1) look at their income

2) do they own a home that they can do a reverse mortgage on?

3) have them move in with you

4) help where you can but don't put your own family in financial straights. and I don't consider public school putting your kids in a detrimental situation.