Private school vs paying for inlaws extended care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living is extremely expensive-- more expensive than private school-- especially as they get more feeble and will need higher levels of services. Will you be able to keep them there for the next 5 - 10 years?

Do they understand the sacrifice you would be making to help them? Do they really want you to?

This was my question too. Do they want you to do this, knowing that you won't be able to send your kids to the same school they sent their kids to as a result?

OP here. We haven't really laid it out to them in those terms, although it is what it comes down to. They are VERY VERY distraught and upset to be in this position of needing help and feel a lot of shame. We are trying really hard to keep everyones dignity in place and put no guilt trips on anyone. The ironic part of life is I was raised by a single mom and always assumed I would take care of her in her old age however she a.) lives in ohio in a paid off (extremely modest) house b.) was a teacher for 36 years and has a pension c.) bought long term care insurance over 20 years ago. Just goes to show you that the "rich" side of the family may not always be the ones you don't have to worry about!!

[Anonymous]

go to the assisted living facility they can afford -- really it gets SO expensive over 100k + a year when then switch from independent to nursing. VERY expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living is extremely expensive-- more expensive than private school-- especially as they get more feeble and will need higher levels of services. Will you be able to keep them there for the next 5 - 10 years?

Do they understand the sacrifice you would be making to help them? Do they really want you to?

+1. Depending on what region they live in, plan on sending a small fortune for assisted living - probably twice or 3 times as much as your private high school tuition. You should talk to a lawyer to determine whether it makes more sense for them to use up all of their own money for their care and then find a facility that accepts Medicaid. It sounds like you have a high HI to be able to afford private school, but paying for years for 2 people at an assisted living facility can wipe out a lot of your savings. Especially in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Would it be cheaper for them to rent an apartment and have a CNA come for a few hours a day and would that be enough care until the kids are out of high school? And how much savings is very little? $1000? 30000? 100,000?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm glad you are being such a trooper!

If it were within my means, I'd definitely pay for the assisted living facility. Private high school seems like a waste of money to me. No comparison, IMO.

[Anonymous]

My priority would be to find your parents an assisted living facility that accepts medicaid, so when they (or you) run out of money, you are not scrambling to find a place for them. My grandmother's, who is in her late 80s, health improved dramatically when she moved to assisted living. Of course she has severe dementia and needs 24 hour care, so it is crazy expensive. I would look at your finances very carefully and assume they will live into late 90s.

I am personally praying that I kick off from a heart attack around 80!

[Anonymous]

Assisted living that they can afford. Your priority, as was your parents and your in-laws, is your children. Period. You will be setting a dangerous and expensive precedent if you do otherwise. Think about the cost if they live another 10 or 15 years? My grandmother is over 100 despite lots of health issues along the way. Thankfully, she saved and chose a modest nursing home once she finally did the switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would it be cheaper for them to rent an apartment and have a CNA come for a few hours a day and would that be enough care until the kids are out of high school? And how much savings is very little? $1000? 30000? 100,000?

OP here: The main reason we aren't considering them living with us is the VNS/in home care expense would be just as high as the ideal facility. Add in having to make sure they have groceries and meals it would be too taxing on my nuclear family unit to be honest. We both work full time, have kids in sports and other activities and it just isn't feasible for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They can afford a facility on their own, just not their "preferred and desired" facility? Off they go to the one they can afford as far as I am concerned.

What they "prefer and desire" is what got them into this mess in the first place.

+1

Be careful about taking on an assisted living expense. My mother's monthly care was amost $10K at the end of her life.

[Anonymous]

If you help them out financially insist on managing their largest expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My priority would be to find your parents an assisted living facility that accepts medicaid, so when they (or you) run out of money, you are not scrambling to find a place for them. My grandmother's, who is in her late 80s, health improved dramatically when she moved to assisted living. Of course she has severe dementia and needs 24 hour care, so it is crazy expensive. I would look at your finances very carefully and assume they will live into late 90s.

I am personally praying that I kick off from a heart attack around 80!

There is no such thing. Medicaid covers skilled nursing - not assisted living.

Many assisted living communities are associated with skilled nursing ones (aka nursing homes). So, I agree with your strategy - find one of these which accepts Medicaid in the nursing home area, and have the ILs pay for assisted living and the nursing home for as long as they can. When they run out of money and are already in a place with Medicaid-accepting beds, they will have priority for those beds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently had a "come to Jesus talk" with my (not healthy) inlaws and realize they have VERY little in savings. Its somewhat of a surprise because they were both long working professionals who enjoyed an upper middle class lifestyle. They simply did not save enough and also had a few bad property investments. Anyways during this family meeting we also realized we are the only ones (out of DHs siblings) who are willing to supplement the my inlaws income. This comes right at a time where my kids are in middle school and we were planning on sending them to a private high school both DH and I are fond of (alumni) and our kids have interest in. We are now wondering if the more responsible thing to do is send kids to public high school (decent school) and help inlaws out. (If it isn't clear my kids are currently in public and up until now had the plan of sending them to private high school) I am not willing to dip into retirement or college contributions. We were planning to pay for high school out of pocket but paying for in laws expenses and high school is not going to work (trust me I've redone our budget on paper about 6 different ways). I love my inlaws and they are great grandparents and I do want to help. Anyone been in this type of situation? Suggestions or alternative ideas welcomed! Their health is not good and we are working around estimated figures according to social workers and practitioners...its obviously only an estimate but we've been told a pretty realistic one.

This is the part that got me... you have to make major changes to YOUR life/lives because no one else is willing to help?!? To me, that's bs. Maybe (maybe) it would be a different story if no one else could, or if your help was the difference between your inlaws living destitute in the street or not, but having everyone else in the scenario just not wanting to take responsibility would really get to me. I don't think it's at all fair that you'd be solely responsible for creating the idea situation.

There's got to be a happy medium somewhere. Maybe you guys help out as much as you can while still sending your kids to private school, and the rest of the family combined makes up the difference? Or your inlaws find a middle ground between their desired location and "the one they can afford"? Maybe they get great care, but have to move farther away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living is extremely expensive-- more expensive than private school-- especially as they get more feeble and will need higher levels of services. Will you be able to keep them there for the next 5 - 10 years?

Do they understand the sacrifice you would be making to help them? Do they really want you to?

This was my question too. Do they want you to do this, knowing that you won't be able to send your kids to the same school they sent their kids to as a result?

OP here. We haven't really laid it out to them in those terms, although it is what it comes down to. They are VERY VERY distraught and upset to be in this position of needing help and feel a lot of shame. We are trying really hard to keep everyones dignity in place and put no guilt trips on anyone. The ironic part of life is I was raised by a single mom and always assumed I would take care of her in her old age however she a.) lives in ohio in a paid off (extremely modest) house b.) was a teacher for 36 years and has a pension c.) bought long term care insurance over 20 years ago. Just goes to show you that the "rich" side of the family may not always be the ones you don't have to worry about!!

How classy for you OP -- very nice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely pay for the assisted living. Hands down, no question.

Same here. This is one of our family's values.

My mother watches my children now. I will take care of my parents and my ILs if needed. We are all more of a pooled resource rather than individuals. Luckily I was raised this way, so I will feel no resentment when it is my turn to step up to the plate.

A few years ago, I purchased a ground level 2BR condo in Fairfax, near the hospital on a major bus line that I will move my parents into. By they time they need it, it will be fully paid off, plus all rental income goes into a savings account that is never touched, which will be used to remodel the condo to make it handicapped accessible if necessary. Hopefully we will be able to afford nursing care there when we can no longer handle mom and dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My priority would be to find your parents an assisted living facility that accepts medicaid, so when they (or you) run out of money, you are not scrambling to find a place for them. My grandmother's, who is in her late 80s, health improved dramatically when she moved to assisted living. Of course she has severe dementia and needs 24 hour care, so it is crazy expensive. I would look at your finances very carefully and assume they will live into late 90s.

I am personally praying that I kick off from a heart attack around 80!

There is no such thing. Medicaid covers skilled nursing - not assisted living.

Many assisted living communities are associated with skilled nursing ones (aka nursing homes). So, I agree with your strategy - find one of these which accepts Medicaid in the nursing home area, and have the ILs pay for assisted living and the nursing home for as long as they can. When they run out of money and are already in a place with Medicaid-accepting beds, they will have priority for those beds.

Thank you for clarifying my post. This is exactly what I meant! My grandmother's current monthly expenses (severe dementia but in otherwise good health) are at $8,000 per month with no end in sight!