Straight A's but only if I yell
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Anonymous
Check carefully with each teacher. Some teachers are just not going to give an A to your DD. Sometimes it is more motivating to be understanding. Pushing now is a great idea, because when they reach their teen years, they don't listen, but the habits are in place. One of mine has the innate drive, and the other does not. But he wants to keep up with his brother. |
Anonymous
We are also sacrificing for private school (as I suspect most of the other parents are as well) and really, if DC can't be bothered to do well, public school is always there. I don't care a moment what other moms think about my style. Most of them feel the same way. |
Anonymous
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OP - I am one you consider a "disparager" although I am not - the yelling isn't working for you and it didn't work for me.
My kid gets mostly A's. I'm one who focuses in inputs, not outputs. Here's my question to you: I and my son looked over his work for the quarter and discovered that his B+ in science is partly driven by two "missed" assignments (out of maybe 40, and all tests were solid A's). I said what I had to say about the missing assignments (at least one of which was related to clerical crap related to absences and a sub), showed the effect, and moved on. He also got a B on an assignment he was very proud of (and had worked hard on). My questions to you: * What would you yell about? * Would you have yelled less if the math had turned out a tiny bit different and the grade rounded up to 90 instead of down to 89? Can that difference possibly matter? Please focus a bit less on straight A's. Some imperfection is a good thing. To retain perfection means never taking chances (also means grading scale is too easy), never taking a course strictly for the love of learning.... Possibly never really engaging in a hobby because it detracts from memorizing vocab words... |
Anonymous
That's what they always say. Just keep waiting for that fail. So far its been 45 years and no sign of suicide, but keep hold your breath. |
Anonymous
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It completely depends on what "pushing" means. So far on this thread, "pushing" has been defined as extreme Tiger Mom yelling and screaming. This has been contrasted with its polar opposite, a completely "hands off" approach because either "my DD is innately motivated" or "I want to be friends with my kid." Painting these extremes is stupid and unhelpful!
If by "pushing" you mean yelling and punishing, this doesn't work. There are apparently studies to show this. Your kid will not internalize study habits and a love of learning. In the worst case, at some point your kid will dig in and refuse to work hard. If by "pushing" you mean setting expectations, setting rules (no electronics after a certain hour except for maybe a 1/2 break at 8:00) and earning privileges (if you get a certain grade on the math test or a certain GPA you get to do sports, or a sleepover on Friday, or your learner's permit) then yes, some kids need this. I know what you're thinking, and this bribery isn't going to motivate your kid to love Algebra. But it's simply not optional to bug out on Algebra. More importantly, with repetition and practice of study habits and skills he will internalize these study habits and skills, which are important for success in life beyond Algebra. FWIW, my older kid, a girl, was innately driven and is now at a college that accepts 7% of applicants. DC#2, a boy, is very bright but lacks drive. It's funny most of the unmotivated kids talked about here are boys, but I'm no expert and this certainly falls short of a valid survey (I'm in research, like smug racist dad at 6:29 with the - surprise- motivated DD). |
Anonymous
Yeah, I'm the one that started the criticism of "wanting to be friends" - you are dead on about what happened with this thread, since I didn't say "friends" but rather "not hate." Very nice post. And the note about the boys: you bet. My belief is that some of the "motivation problem" is that we are asking for more attention to detail than many children can handle, disproportionately boys. Yes, my kid is unorganized, but it doesn't help that he has to check a thousand different places every week to figure out what's what and that blackboard gets updated whenever the teachers feel like it. |
Anonymous
OP here- I wouldn't yell about the B if that was my daughter's best work. Honestly a single "B" on an assignment isn't going to change her GPA (she's still in elementary) as they always have a ton of assignments. A single "B" wouldn't be on my radar either. However if I saw a pattern of two or three non A grades then I would address the issue. But let's take your hypothetical at face value. If my daughter had a grade changing assignment and received a "B" on it, which caused her to end up with a "B" for the marking period, I wouldn't punish her assuming that she correctly plan for the assignment. However, if she had a full week to complete the assignment and worked her tail off the night before and earned a "B" she would get in trouble because she improperly planned. She would have done better, been able to ask the teacher questions etc, if she had done a draft the first night rather than waiting until the night before it was due. Instead let's hypothetically say that she really couldn't earn an "A" on that particular assignment and she had worked diligently and properly planned. Would she get in trouble? Absolutely not. Would we work on a corrective action plan? Absolutely. I would work with her to focus on what that "weakness" was so that she would be able to perform better the next time. Does she have problems organizing her thoughts? In the case we'd buy a writing book, talk with the teacher, or would work together to do whatever it takes. Honestly, my daughter would never be in the situation where she doesn't turn in an assignment. There are a few times where she has forgotten to turn the assignment in and I get flagged by the online grading system and yes I get upset. My DD would then turn the assignment in the next day. If hypothetically the system was down and I didn't find out until after grades came out, I would be upset. In that case, she would still turn in the assignment late despite the fact that she wouldn't receive credit. As a side note, it is another pet peeve of mine when parents make the oh it is okay that my kid didn't turn in the assignment excuse because the assignment was clerical (i.e. unimportant). I do a ton of things that I hate (fill out FSA/tax forms, clean my house, cook) etc and really that is part of life. Also, the argument that a lot of parents whose kids do not earn straight A's is that kids like mine don't have time for hobbies etc. It's really a load of hogwash. The parents who make these arguments aren't the ones waking up at 5:00 am to take their kid to early swim, gymnastics practice. The parents that I know who have kids who participate in extremely competitive sports generally have kids who also do well in school. In any case, these parents are not casting dispersions on people like me as they know that much of being successful is working hard in whatever you focus on. The ones making this argument at least from what I've seen are the same parents who complain that their kid spends too much time watching TV/ playing on their Ipads. My daughter does extra circular activities for fun as do her straight A/almost straight A friends. They really do have fun too. |
Anonymous
| OP again- and trust me, the reason she gets straight A's is definitely not because her private is too easy. |
Anonymous
Holy crap. This seems like incredibly over-involved helicopter parenting. It's actually more than what I imagined when the earlier pages of this thread. Do you really think this degree of micro-managing on your part is required for your DD to learn to be a responsible, hard-working, organized and accountable student by the time she leaves your home at age 17/18/19? If so, you have very little faith in your child. Unless she has certain special needs (including those that interfere with executive planning), I can not imagine why a ten year old would require so much parental handling to learn these skills at an age-appropriate pace before age 18. Yes, of course, it might take time (months, even years) for her to find her way to where you want her be. And yes, she would certainly make mistakes and disappoint you (and herself!) along the way. But she will ultimately develop into a very different adult if she discovers this skills in her own way, at her own pace, without you cramming them down her throat. Again, this goes back to the distinction between a person who internally motivated vs. a person who is extrinsically motivated. I think you want her to grow up to become a self-motivated, responsible person. But by micro-managing her the way you describe, you are actually sending her the message that you don't think she is capable of doing that without copious help from you. How defeating! I strongly encourage you to have more faith in your daughter, and to back off accordingly. |
Anonymous
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From Forbes earlier this month:
Seven Crippling Parent Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders http://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2014/01/16/7-crippling-parenting-behaviors-that-keep-children-from-growing-into-leaders/ |
Anonymous
| My son is a bit unmotivated too. For every paper that comes home where he earns a good grade & has followed directions, he earns 15 mins of screen time. Once in a while he gets lazy & makes careless mistakes on his homework. If he does it 100% correct, I pay him a dollar. Ha! Probably not very PC, but it works for my unmotivated son. |
Anonymous
Nah, you're doing fine. The idea is that working diligently becomes a habit, it becomes ingrained and a part of him. If you have to bribe him to get to the ingraining part, so be it. Now if you were taking his stuff away (besides electronics and other distractions) or otherwise punishing him, the "experts" would say you were doing it wrong because you'd be making him angry and resentful, which get in the way of the ingraining stuff. |
Anonymous
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OP - I worry about you two in middle school. Honestly, your response to my post shows you are micromanaging beyond micromanaging. You care about an A on every last assignment? That is not going to serve you well in middle school. I can promise you that.
When I said "clerical," I didn't mean "its stupid, you don't have to do it." I meant the assignment was probably done, possibly turned in, possibly misplaced during a period when there was a sub and my child wasn't going to push the teacher any further. His call. Not mine to make. You should also know that a) blackboard won't tell you everything you need to know about turned in assignments with enough time to remedy every little stupid assignment, and b) teachers sometimes won't accept work after it is too late, and you can't force the teacher to take it. There are a lot of assignments. Good luck. |
Anonymous
PP Are you reading into this thread the type of mom that you think I am rather than what I wrote? I specifically said I don't give my kid a hard time for every non-A assignment. That is too much pressure for any kid. I never said that my DD would receive any credit for a late assignment. She would complete it and would try to turn it in regardless of whether she earned credit or not. If she had been rebuffed for trying to turn it in well that would be the consequence. In the teacher's mind, I have to believe he/she would remember the attempt. In the hypothetical, I was talking about a multiday major assignment that my DD chose to complete the last day. I never said the blackboard told her everything she needed to know. If she had started it early though, she would have had the chance to ask the teacher a question. Again, I see an excuse...the sub lost my sons work so he got a B-. Please- your son probably lied to you and never turned in the work. I have a hard time believing he would be okay with a B because of a clerical error on the part of the teacher. |
Anonymous
I think you mean aspersions, OP |