Straight A's but only if I yell

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01/21/2014 00:58

Subject: Straight A's but only if I yell

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Anonymous

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Anonymous wrote:I am Asian. I will make sure that my kids are successful and would have learned time management and work ethics by the time they leave my house.

Some kids will learn these earlier than others, and I will be there each step of the way to help, guide and support them in every way that I can. However, after senior year - regardless of their intrinsic motivation and personality - they will be launched successfully.

OP again. I am not Asian born but do have many Asian friends. I actually am of Western European descent. I thought I would throw that it in since my methods are probably considered Eastern.

LOL. No, I don't consider it Eastern. I consider it very old school type of parenting. You do due diligence as a parent with some tough love thrown in. You try and figure out what each child needs and you give them that support and discipline.

I feel that I have a larger responsibility in raising my kid, than any other entity. I do not feel that that is the role of the school system or the teachers. I see the school as as the workplace and the teacher as the boss. My kids job is to do well at their work. I tell them that if they are successful, I am the one person who gains nothing, but am the happiest and proudest of their achievements. I also tell them that I will not be there for the rest of their lives - so the values I can teach them while they are under my care should be solid enough to last them a lifetime. My job is to watch them carefully, understand the weakness in their personality, work habits etc, and work hard with them to fix it.

If I need to yell - then I will yell. If I need to wake up at 4:00 am to make coffee for them and wake them up to study, I will do that. It is not always easy, but my life for these few years revolves around their needs. Being a parent is not easy.

OP again....I give my kids the same lecture about how their job is to do well in school. My husband and I work full time and I've told both kids that our job to ensure that we are able to pay the mortgage, private school, food, clothing, activities etc so that they may have a much better life than we did growing up. I've never used the teacher is the boss analogy but I do equate the tests to their "performance" reviews. When my DD gets a really bad grade, I tell her that if I continually performed like that at work that I would lose my job. I also tell my kids that I can't support them forever but I will give them the tools so they will be successful. I love your words though very sweet.

Alas, I don't think we could ever be friends. I hate that phrase (job to do well in school). Really hate it. And the performance review thing - oh boy are you in for it. What will you do if your child works hard and still does poorly on something? Doing well in elementary and doing well later are different things. Either you focus on inputs and study skills, or your teenage years will be rough, particularly if there is a younger kid in the house to whom this stuff comes easier.

Signed, mother of an extremely bright but underachieving lovely 14 year old who I don't want to hate me.

I am the Asian mother and I am curious that you would label your child "extremely bright but underachieving". If your child is underachieving then how do you know that they are extremely bright? And who even says that about their own kid? Should this praise not come from the teachers around him, who have seen 100s of children of all caliber in their class-room?

Secondly, being a disciplinarian does not mean that your child will hate you. If you operate with this fear then you will not really do justice to your duty as a parent. I am a tough mom but I am loved by my children. My kids are happy kids because doing well in school also makes them feel accomplished and improves their confidence and self-worth. It also opens doors for them and give them opportunities that they would not get otherwise.

I make myself available to my children and they know that they are my priority. I spend enough quality and quantity time with them, that I do not fear about my place in their lives or their hearts.

Thi sis pretty terrifying. To tie your children's self worth and happiness to grades in school. You are defining your children by their marks and that is sad. they are so much more than that and it is too bad you see them only as academic pupils and not as complex people. Your children's lives are so narrow focused and someday they will do poorly on a test - then what - should they kill themselves because now they have no worth? I have seen Asian students make suicide attempts because to them that is better than letting their family down by not being a high achiever. I know others who spiral into depressing and deal with very high levels of anxiety because they have been raised that their parents care only about their grades and not them as a person, so when their grades go down, they believe no one cares about them. Life is about so much more than school, happiness is about so much more than school. Please stop obsessing about marks and love your children for who they are rather than only for what they produce.