Straight A's but only if I yell
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Anonymous
| I hate yelling/lecturing/ threatening loss of privileges with my DD 10 years old but it seems like as soon as I back off her grades go from straight A's to very mediocre. I do this enough that she earns straight A's for each marking period but she is often quite close to the cut off. DD reads a ton but she seems unmotivated in school. She goes to a rigorous private. I don't think she really gets how important education is but she doesn't want to lose playdates etc. Is this normal behavior or not for a 10 year old? |
Anonymous
| It's good you are looking out for her best interest but ultimately it will be up to her to determine how much effort she will put forth in doing things. Try to encourage without being overbearing. Your good intentions could bite you in the butt someday if DD rebels and becomes uncooperative. Or worse, she goes along but becomes stressed out and depressed. |
Anonymous
| What is "very mediocre"? I have a hard time believing that a 10 year old who suffers a semester of As, Bs, and even a sprinkling of Cs would suffer lifelong consequences. Would the disappointment of her teachers have an effect on her? You seem to be there to help her avoid any natural consequences. What about having her tough it out for a semester? What about having her learn organizational skills? How long do you intend to berate her like this? |
Anonymous
| Back off. Failure is cheap at this age (unless you plan on folowing her to college and afterwards). Motivation has to come from the child. External incentives can help the internal motivation. Praise and reward effort. |
Anonymous
| Normal and you need to back off. My kids that age are clear on my expectations for their grade. We check edline on Sunday nights. If they are below A or B all electronics are gone until they get them back up. Very motivating at that age. I used to yell about missing assignments but at that age it is a pretty constant thing. Now just focusing on the grade is easier. It is concrete, they know what to expect an yelling has stopped. |
Anonymous
Agree, no yelling, just serious to her consequences and she knows how to earn back her privileges. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| No yelling. What an f*** up way to live. |
Anonymous
| OP here. She loses all TV, playdates and electronics when she earns disappointing grades. However nothing seems to get through to her like the fact that she disappointed me. Most of the time I'm pretty even keel but this is the one area where I get rattled easily. It is a real sacrifice to send her to her school. |
Anonymous
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OP there are studies on this but I don't remember what words to use to google it, maybe someone on DCUM does.
Bottom line: In a child, parental praise releases dopamine. Dopamine surges are the things that make someone do something again and again, so if the praise is connected to a particular behavior, the brain will hardwire to repeat that behavior. As a parent, you can "create" your child's brain by choosing what you praise. The studies show people who praise for results (the A, the number of baskets in a basketball game, etc) create very different children than those who praise the *effort* (how hard they studied or played). The first kind of praise creates a "Fixed Mindset" and the second creates a "Growth Mindset." Fixed Mindset kids need to master a task to get that dopamine surge. The problem is that tasks get harder as they get older. So in general they are more likely to give up. By college they are more likely to take courses that are known to be easy, or that mirror something they took in high school (like Spanish 1--when they were at Spanish IV level in high school) to get that A. And they're not enjoying the course because the dopamine only comes at the end, when the report card comes out and then only if it's a A. The Growth Mindset kids get the dopamine surge for trying. So they like exploring new things. So in college they'll take the course that's most interesting to them, even if it's a hard course. They will pick up a musical instrument, and practice for a long time, because just trying to make a tune gives them pleasure, where the Fixed Mindset kid is likely to give up because it takes so many lessons and practice before they get to that point where they get a perfect song out--so no dopamine surge until that point. I really believe in this because I learned about it when my kids were young (5 years ago) and my DH and I switched our praising style immediately. Ok I can't prove it because we don't have a twin study going on, lol, but I have to tell you our kids are very, very self-motivated at this point, both academically and in sports. And you know whenever they say, "I'm getting an A in x" I respond, "I see you study, I see you work so hard at trying to figure out those hard problems, and I'm so proud of you for keeping at it." Never ever: "An A! Let's get you some ice cream!" And we never comment on how many goals or baskets anyone makes in their sport. Never. It's all "I loved how hard you were working to get around that tall girl," stuff like that. |
Anonymous
"She disappointed me"-that's a problem. You need to find a way to nurture her joy in learning, or send her to a school where she is engaged and loves to learn-it sounds like you have the resources to choose a school that is a good match for her. I teach college students at a highly selective university (in Baltimore) and I see a good number of students who have no intrinsic motivation to learn, only extrinsic (my parents want me to do this is a big one), they are not happy people, and they are not as successful as the self-motivated students who achieve because they love learning and solving problems. Achievement through threats and punishments is just setting you daughter up for problems in the future. |
Anonymous
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Carol Dweck writes about the growth mindset. Here is a link to her book: http://www.amazon.com/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-Success/dp/0345472322
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Anonymous
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Mental health is important too. Nurture hers.
You'll get much better results with positive interactions than negative. Reward and encourage her to do her best. Don't look so hard at the end result. These are the years to teach good study habits and provide guidance. |
Anonymous
| You are a piece of work OP. Lay off your kid. Let her "fail". |
Anonymous
| 8:45/8:52. Thank you. I do always tell my daughter that I would rather she earn B's in more challenging areas than obtain easy A's. I do try to praise her efforts as well as the outcome. If she studied really hard then and gets a B, I don't give her a hard time. I tell her it is okay because she tries hard. P8It's when I see her not studying that I get upset. She is completely capable. I really appreciate your feedback and will try to be more cognizant of praising effort more than outcome. Thanks for the link. |