What makes a man abandon his child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)

PP, you are truly evil. I initially typed "horrible," but "evil" is a better fit. Accurate.

What children who are abandoned by their parents pretty universally fear is that their parents left them because there was something inherently wrong with them. And what do you specifically ask in your post? - if the OPs father "knows something" about the OP that would make him want to avoid her. You just had to go right for the Achilles heel, didn't you?

Maybe I am evil. I have also refused to meet my brother's children, because I know he is an unending sink for money. If he could, he would take all my money, make it evaporate into nothing (it is amazing to me how he makes money disappear with no apparent gain for himself or his large family), and come back for more. Sometimes fear of intimacy is due to the knowledge that the person has needs that could cripple you but give that person no gain. And, honestly, maybe her father is evil as well. If I am evil, he may just be evil in the exact same way. Not all fathers are good. Maybe she should accept that her father is evil.

Yes because you will need all that money in your after life

WTH? Maybe she needs her OWN money now?!

More than trying to live her blood? She's using money as an excuse. They probably don't want to see her anyway. My rich aunt is obnoxious so we avoid her.

The problem is, when I do give them money, it just disappears. If I saw any evidence at all that any of it went to help the children, I would give. But it just vanishes into pay-per-view, church donations, pets that eventually die from poor treatment, gifts to friends, etc. The only way I would be willing to give me money would be if I could, for example, pay a grocery store to deliver them food or pay an afterschool provider directly. But of course they won't accept money like that, because they want to throw it awy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you trying to figure out for yourself why your father left when you were 4?

Do you know that he is alive and well?

Men leave because when the relationship falls apart, they immediately become unessential to the 'family' (except for money). That was very true 36 years ago. No judge back then would have given a father custody except in extreme cases. Fathers were socialized and raised to believe they were fairly insignificant, that their role was to financially provide, and that they were not an equal parent. So sticking around and fighting for your kids also meant fighting against society's view of you as a parent. On top of that women had a great deal of control over the father - daughter relationship. If the mother was the primary parent, she was shaping the child's perception of the father, she controlled visitation and she controlled the child's understanding of who played what role in the relationship breaking and the reasons why the father left.

Within that context men left for all kinds of reasons. Some had mental illness or addition, some left for work, some felt guilty for being a screw-up, some eventually quit fighting for their kids when they didn't get anywhere, some were immature and irresponsible, some had never bonded with the kids, some felt overwhelmed, some were poor and humiliated they couldn't better provide, some just wanted a fresh start, some felt hopeless, some were so angry at the mother they wouldn't envision being able to maintain a relationship....there are a thousand reasons.

If you want to know why your father left, the only person who can answer that is him. Have you had any contact in the last 36 years? Do you know where he lives? If so, ask him to meet to talk. Not to drill him on why he left as that immediately will make him wary of meeting, but to ask for his side of the story, to find about about his life growing up, to find out what made him make the decision he did.

one of the best posts I have seen on DCUM - nice to see a non judgmental, spirit of helpfulness in a post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)

PP, you are truly evil. I initially typed "horrible," but "evil" is a better fit. Accurate.

What children who are abandoned by their parents pretty universally fear is that their parents left them because there was something inherently wrong with them. And what do you specifically ask in your post? - if the OPs father "knows something" about the OP that would make him want to avoid her. You just had to go right for the Achilles heel, didn't you?

Maybe I am evil. I have also refused to meet my brother's children, because I know he is an unending sink for money. If he could, he would take all my money, make it evaporate into nothing (it is amazing to me how he makes money disappear with no apparent gain for himself or his large family), and come back for more. Sometimes fear of intimacy is due to the knowledge that the person has needs that could cripple you but give that person no gain. And, honestly, maybe her father is evil as well. If I am evil, he may just be evil in the exact same way. Not all fathers are good. Maybe she should accept that her father is evil.

Yes because you will need all that money in your after life

WTH? Maybe she needs her OWN money now?!

More than trying to live her blood? She's using money as an excuse. They probably don't want to see her anyway. My rich aunt is obnoxious so we avoid her.

The problem is, when I do give them money, it just disappears. If I saw any evidence at all that any of it went to help the children, I would give. But it just vanishes into pay-per-view, church donations, pets that eventually die from poor treatment, gifts to friends, etc. The only way I would be willing to give me money would be if I could, for example, pay a grocery store to deliver them food or pay an afterschool provider directly. But of course they won't accept money like that, because they want to throw it awy.

Don't give money at all.just love. You don't need to explain your decision to me - signed op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on

Maybe. But I've never seen it. All the instance I've seen of women leaving have been schizophrenic and/or drug (think crack, heroin)abuse

Part of that is how the court system works. If dads were automatically given custody and moms told they could see their kids 4 days a month if dad decides to let them, you would see far more women leaving their kids too.

Would you please stop posting on this thread? You post enough about "fathers rights" on special concerns. This is not a fathers rights question. Thanks - OP

You don't actually know what it is because you don't know the story seeing as no one has told you. And I don't post about father's rights on special concerns. Although I do believe in men's and father's rights. You keep asking the same question over and over. Seeing as you seem to know the answer you want - just say it.

You are not comprehending this thread. You are adding nothing to this conversation. Please troll elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on

Maybe. But I've never seen it. All the instance I've seen of women leaving have been schizophrenic and/or drug (think crack, heroin)abuse

Part of that is how the court system works. If dads were automatically given custody and moms told they could see their kids 4 days a month if dad decides to let them, you would see far more women leaving their kids too.

Would you please stop posting on this thread? You post enough about "fathers rights" on special concerns. This is not a fathers rights question. Thanks - OP

You don't actually know what it is because you don't know the story seeing as no one has told you. And I don't post about father's rights on special concerns. Although I do believe in men's and father's rights. You keep asking the same question over and over. Seeing as you seem to know the answer you want - just say it.

You are not comprehending this thread. You are adding nothing to this conversation. Please troll elsewhere.

The more I read this thread, the more I think the OP is actually a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on

Maybe. But I've never seen it. All the instance I've seen of women leaving have been schizophrenic and/or drug (think crack, heroin)abuse

Part of that is how the court system works. If dads were automatically given custody and moms told they could see their kids 4 days a month if dad decides to let them, you would see far more women leaving their kids too.

Would you please stop posting on this thread? You post enough about "fathers rights" on special concerns. This is not a fathers rights question. Thanks - OP

You don't actually know what it is because you don't know the story seeing as no one has told you. And I don't post about father's rights on special concerns. Although I do believe in men's and father's rights. You keep asking the same question over and over. Seeing as you seem to know the answer you want - just say it.

You are not comprehending this thread. You are adding nothing to this conversation. Please troll elsewhere.

The more I read this thread, the more I think the OP is actually a troll.

Good . Then leave. Don't waste your precious time. Bye

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on

Maybe. But I've never seen it. All the instance I've seen of women leaving have been schizophrenic and/or drug (think crack, heroin)abuse

Part of that is how the court system works. If dads were automatically given custody and moms told they could see their kids 4 days a month if dad decides to let them, you would see far more women leaving their kids too.

Would you please stop posting on this thread? You post enough about "fathers rights" on special concerns. This is not a fathers rights question. Thanks - OP

You don't actually know what it is because you don't know the story seeing as no one has told you. And I don't post about father's rights on special concerns. Although I do believe in men's and father's rights. You keep asking the same question over and over. Seeing as you seem to know the answer you want - just say it.

You are not comprehending this thread. You are adding nothing to this conversation. Please troll elsewhere.

The more I read this thread, the more I think the OP is actually a troll.

Did admin confirm, or are you the real troll here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on

Maybe. But I've never seen it. All the instance I've seen of women leaving have been schizophrenic and/or drug (think crack, heroin)abuse

Part of that is how the court system works. If dads were automatically given custody and moms told they could see their kids 4 days a month if dad decides to let them, you would see far more women leaving their kids too.

Would you please stop posting on this thread? You post enough about "fathers rights" on special concerns. This is not a fathers rights question. Thanks - OP

You don't actually know what it is because you don't know the story seeing as no one has told you. And I don't post about father's rights on special concerns. Although I do believe in men's and father's rights. You keep asking the same question over and over. Seeing as you seem to know the answer you want - just say it.

You are not comprehending this thread. You are adding nothing to this conversation. Please troll elsewhere.

The more I read this thread, the more I think the OP is actually a troll.

Good . Then leave. Don't waste your precious time. Bye

No wonder your father won't see you. He heard how rude you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on

Maybe. But I've never seen it. All the instance I've seen of women leaving have been schizophrenic and/or drug (think crack, heroin)abuse

Part of that is how the court system works. If dads were automatically given custody and moms told they could see their kids 4 days a month if dad decides to let them, you would see far more women leaving their kids too.

Would you please stop posting on this thread? You post enough about "fathers rights" on special concerns. This is not a fathers rights question. Thanks - OP

You don't actually know what it is because you don't know the story seeing as no one has told you. And I don't post about father's rights on special concerns. Although I do believe in men's and father's rights. You keep asking the same question over and over. Seeing as you seem to know the answer you want - just say it.

You are not comprehending this thread. You are adding nothing to this conversation. Please troll elsewhere.

The more I read this thread, the more I think the OP is actually a troll.

Good . Then leave. Don't waste your precious time. Bye

No wonder your father won't see you. He heard how rude you are.

Exactly. Now you've done your best to hurt me and shown everybody your true nature. Go away- op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on

Maybe. But I've never seen it. All the instance I've seen of women leaving have been schizophrenic and/or drug (think crack, heroin)abuse

Part of that is how the court system works. If dads were automatically given custody and moms told they could see their kids 4 days a month if dad decides to let them, you would see far more women leaving their kids too.

Would you please stop posting on this thread? You post enough about "fathers rights" on special concerns. This is not a fathers rights question. Thanks - OP

You don't actually know what it is because you don't know the story seeing as no one has told you. And I don't post about father's rights on special concerns. Although I do believe in men's and father's rights. You keep asking the same question over and over. Seeing as you seem to know the answer you want - just say it.

You are not comprehending this thread. You are adding nothing to this conversation. Please troll elsewhere.

The more I read this thread, the more I think the OP is actually a troll.

Good . Then leave. Don't waste your precious time. Bye

No wonder your father won't see you. He heard how rude you are.

Exactly. Now you've done your best to hurt me and shown everybody your true nature. Go away- op

OP, people like PP who use your vulnerabilities to hurt you are sick, sick, sick. Best thing to do is ignore, ignore, ignore.

[Anonymous]

Different reasons for everyone. My father abandoned me because my mother had cheated on him and he wasn't sure I was his child. When he learned I was his child, he'd already made another family of his own. In his own words, he admitted that I, his daughter, reminded him of my mother whom he hated. He wanted nothing to do with me because of what I represented (horrible reminders of his past).

[Anonymous]

OP, my father was abandoned by his father when he was a kid. And his mom had a drinking problem, if not a full blown alcoholic. Consequently he was never able to form close attachments to anyone. He never left us, but he was never emotionally there for us. On his death bed, he said we were making grave mistakes allowing our children to love us, because we would just leave and hurt them. By death or otherwise. He was a man so hurt by abandonment, he almost ceased being human himself. Needless to say he was never much of a father. I grew up feeling like an orphan boarding at some random couples house. They kept me fed and clothed, but that was about it.

I found a picture of him recently when he was about four. He was smiling like crazy and looked so joyful. I never saw him smile in my lifetime. It made me realize how damaged he was from his own life, and that he used to be someone's little boy once. Instead of the lifelong anger and hurt I had always felt about his emotional coldness, I began to feel sympathy. Who could do that to a little boy?

The point I'm trying to make is perhaps your dad suffered some sort if emotional trains that made him unable to bond with you, like my dad couldn't bond with me. My dad was in the house, but at best he was a shell of a person. Try hard not to take it personally. It's much more likely his own failings or own damage that made him leave.

Curiously, I'm watching my brother abandon his birth family now, in his 40s. I haven't figured out quite why yet. He's running from pain, but I'm not sure why now. Why not when he was 20? In any event, people can be pushed to do things by deep seated emotions they may not even be aware if themselves.

I've put my energy into not letting our family dysfunction get passed off to the next generation. I've tried really hard to do the attachment parenting thing, put family first, create a healthy home life, etc. I can't change the past, but I can build a good future. You can, too. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my father was abandoned by his father when he was a kid. And his mom had a drinking problem, if not a full blown alcoholic. Consequently he was never able to form close attachments to anyone. He never left us, but he was never emotionally there for us. On his death bed, he said we were making grave mistakes allowing our children to love us, because we would just leave and hurt them. By death or otherwise. He was a man so hurt by abandonment, he almost ceased being human himself. Needless to say he was never much of a father. I grew up feeling like an orphan boarding at some random couples house. They kept me fed and clothed, but that was about it.

I found a picture of him recently when he was about four. He was smiling like crazy and looked so joyful. I never saw him smile in my lifetime. It made me realize how damaged he was from his own life, and that he used to be someone's little boy once. Instead of the lifelong anger and hurt I had always felt about his emotional coldness, I began to feel sympathy. Who could do that to a little boy?

The point I'm trying to make is perhaps your dad suffered some sort if emotional trains that made him unable to bond with you, like my dad couldn't bond with me. My dad was in the house, but at best he was a shell of a person. Try hard not to take it personally. It's much more likely his own failings or own damage that made him leave.

Curiously, I'm watching my brother abandon his birth family now, in his 40s. I haven't figured out quite why yet. He's running from pain, but I'm not sure why now. Why not when he was 20? In any event, people can be pushed to do things by deep seated emotions they may not even be aware if themselves.

I've put my energy into not letting our family dysfunction get passed off to the next generation. I've tried really hard to do the attachment parenting thing, put family first, create a healthy home life, etc. I can't change the past, but I can build a good future. You can, too. Best wishes.

PP, what a kind and insightful post. I think it is really wonderful that you took the time to share your story with the OP.

I grew up like you did, and my father grew up like yours. I commend you for escaping the cycle of emotional disconnection. I am trying extremely hard to do the same for my family. Unfortunately I am probably more like your brother, but I am giving it my all.

OP, I hope you can get some comfort from the positive posts on this thread. I'm so sorry you're in turmoil over this. Peace.

[Anonymous]

It is so important to have parents who love you and are together. Its the greatest security you can offer your children - a loving home with parents who love each other and love their kids.

A damaged person will abandon his/her kids. People should take the time to really evaluate their partners before they decide to have children with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)

PP, you are truly evil. I initially typed "horrible," but "evil" is a better fit. Accurate.

What children who are abandoned by their parents pretty universally fear is that their parents left them because there was something inherently wrong with them. And what do you specifically ask in your post? - if the OPs father "knows something" about the OP that would make him want to avoid her. You just had to go right for the Achilles heel, didn't you?

Maybe I am evil. I have also refused to meet my brother's children, because I know he is an unending sink for money. If he could, he would take all my money, make it evaporate into nothing (it is amazing to me how he makes money disappear with no apparent gain for himself or his large family), and come back for more. Sometimes fear of intimacy is due to the knowledge that the person has needs that could cripple you but give that person no gain. And, honestly, maybe her father is evil as well. If I am evil, he may just be evil in the exact same way. Not all fathers are good. Maybe she should accept that her father is evil.

Yes because you will need all that money in your after life

WTH? Maybe she needs her OWN money now?!

More than trying to live her blood? She's using money as an excuse. They probably don't want to see her anyway. My rich aunt is obnoxious so we avoid her.

What's "live her blood?" Ew.