What makes a man abandon his child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my mom left my dad when I was 8. So different situation but as an adult, I did get some insight from my dad.

Before they split up, my family lived in (nice town A). My dad went to work at (Big City B) which was too far away for a daily commute. So Monday mornings he'd drive to work and then stay with his sister and her husband during the week, then come back home Friday.

This was a huge factor in the marriage breaking up because he just wasn't around, and this is before email/texting/facetime and when the phone was a nickel a minute so everyone was trying to keep the calls short. Year after year, my parents were just living two separate lives and couldn't connect with each other.

As an adult, I asked him, why didn't he move my mom and us kids down to Big City B when he got that job? He said, "I didn't want to disrupt the family." So, in his mind, our school and friends were more important than his presence. He clearly didn't comprehend that we all needed his time and attention and presence as a husband and dad, not just his pay stub.

That mentality was so much more prevalent back then. I'm a little older than you but I do think it still applies.

When my mom left my dad, my dad tried to get her back--not by cajoling or wooing or offering a more integrated, better life--he tried to get her back by cutting off the money to her. Ok he was an engineering-type so wasn't the best at understanding and predicting the relational consequences of that decision (i.e. that it would backfire) but again it illustrates "that mentality"--that gross underestimation about what is important in a family life.

Aha! My dad's an engineer. Maybe that's the connection- signed op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)

PP, you are truly evil. I initially typed "horrible," but "evil" is a better fit. Accurate.

What children who are abandoned by their parents pretty universally fear is that their parents left them because there was something inherently wrong with them. And what do you specifically ask in your post? - if the OPs father "knows something" about the OP that would make him want to avoid her. You just had to go right for the Achilles heel, didn't you?

Maybe I am evil. I have also refused to meet my brother's children, because I know he is an unending sink for money. If he could, he would take all my money, make it evaporate into nothing (it is amazing to me how he makes money disappear with no apparent gain for himself or his large family), and come back for more. Sometimes fear of intimacy is due to the knowledge that the person has needs that could cripple you but give that person no gain. And, honestly, maybe her father is evil as well. If I am evil, he may just be evil in the exact same way. Not all fathers are good. Maybe she should accept that her father is evil.

Yes because you will need all that money in your after life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on

Maybe. But I've never seen it. All the instance I've seen of women leaving have been schizophrenic and/or drug (think crack, heroin)abuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)

PP, you are truly evil. I initially typed "horrible," but "evil" is a better fit. Accurate.

What children who are abandoned by their parents pretty universally fear is that their parents left them because there was something inherently wrong with them. And what do you specifically ask in your post? - if the OPs father "knows something" about the OP that would make him want to avoid her. You just had to go right for the Achilles heel, didn't you?

Maybe I am evil. I have also refused to meet my brother's children, because I know he is an unending sink for money. If he could, he would take all my money, make it evaporate into nothing (it is amazing to me how he makes money disappear with no apparent gain for himself or his large family), and come back for more. Sometimes fear of intimacy is due to the knowledge that the person has needs that could cripple you but give that person no gain. And, honestly, maybe her father is evil as well. If I am evil, he may just be evil in the exact same way. Not all fathers are good. Maybe she should accept that her father is evil.

Yes because you will need all that money in your after life

WTH? Maybe she needs her OWN money now?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on

Maybe. But I've never seen it. All the instance I've seen of women leaving have been schizophrenic and/or drug (think crack, heroin)abuse

My female cousin bolted on her three year old kid. No mental illness. No drugs. She just discovered (too late in the game) that she didn't want to be a mom anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on

Maybe. But I've never seen it. All the instance I've seen of women leaving have been schizophrenic and/or drug (think crack, heroin)abuse

Part of that is how the court system works. If dads were automatically given custody and moms told they could see their kids 4 days a month if dad decides to let them, you would see far more women leaving their kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my mom left my dad when I was 8. So different situation but as an adult, I did get some insight from my dad.

Before they split up, my family lived in (nice town A). My dad went to work at (Big City B) which was too far away for a daily commute. So Monday mornings he'd drive to work and then stay with his sister and her husband during the week, then come back home Friday.

This was a huge factor in the marriage breaking up because he just wasn't around, and this is before email/texting/facetime and when the phone was a nickel a minute so everyone was trying to keep the calls short. Year after year, my parents were just living two separate lives and couldn't connect with each other.

As an adult, I asked him, why didn't he move my mom and us kids down to Big City B when he got that job? He said, "I didn't want to disrupt the family." So, in his mind, our school and friends were more important than his presence. He clearly didn't comprehend that we all needed his time and attention and presence as a husband and dad, not just his pay stub.

That mentality was so much more prevalent back then. I'm a little older than you but I do think it still applies.

When my mom left my dad, my dad tried to get her back--not by cajoling or wooing or offering a more integrated, better life--he tried to get her back by cutting off the money to her. Ok he was an engineering-type so wasn't the best at understanding and predicting the relational consequences of that decision (i.e. that it would backfire) but again it illustrates "that mentality"--that gross underestimation about what is important in a family life.

Aha! My dad's an engineer. Maybe that's the connection- signed op

Yeah, that must be it.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read the responses, but I think many men do this when they think they've screwed up as fathers. Emotionally, they have a hard time dealing with their own failure as a parent. I think this is why you often see men be much better fathers to children they have with a second wife. It's like they get a fresh slate, a do-over.

It is in NO WAY a reflection on the children themselves but only of the character of the father. I don't think it reflects a difference in love, either.

I remember reading a study about how frequently men leave women who become very, very ill. It's shockingly common. I think this is a similar dynamic, in which the men find themselves in situations they feel they can't control, problems they can't solve, so they run away. It's their weakness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on

Maybe. But I've never seen it. All the instance I've seen of women leaving have been schizophrenic and/or drug (think crack, heroin)abuse

Part of that is how the court system works. If dads were automatically given custody and moms told they could see their kids 4 days a month if dad decides to let them, you would see far more women leaving their kids too.

Would you please stop posting on this thread? You post enough about "fathers rights" on special concerns. This is not a fathers rights question. Thanks - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my mom left my dad when I was 8. So different situation but as an adult, I did get some insight from my dad.

Before they split up, my family lived in (nice town A). My dad went to work at (Big City B) which was too far away for a daily commute. So Monday mornings he'd drive to work and then stay with his sister and her husband during the week, then come back home Friday.

This was a huge factor in the marriage breaking up because he just wasn't around, and this is before email/texting/facetime and when the phone was a nickel a minute so everyone was trying to keep the calls short. Year after year, my parents were just living two separate lives and couldn't connect with each other.

As an adult, I asked him, why didn't he move my mom and us kids down to Big City B when he got that job? He said, "I didn't want to disrupt the family." So, in his mind, our school and friends were more important than his presence. He clearly didn't comprehend that we all needed his time and attention and presence as a husband and dad, not just his pay stub.

That mentality was so much more prevalent back then. I'm a little older than you but I do think it still applies.

When my mom left my dad, my dad tried to get her back--not by cajoling or wooing or offering a more integrated, better life--he tried to get her back by cutting off the money to her. Ok he was an engineering-type so wasn't the best at understanding and predicting the relational consequences of that decision (i.e. that it would backfire) but again it illustrates "that mentality"--that gross underestimation about what is important in a family life.

Aha! My dad's an engineer. Maybe that's the connection- signed op

Yeah, that must be it.

Clear I was joking . Would you mind not posting again. Unless you have some valuable insight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the responses, but I think many men do this when they think they've screwed up as fathers. Emotionally, they have a hard time dealing with their own failure as a parent. I think this is why you often see men be much better fathers to children they have with a second wife. It's like they get a fresh slate, a do-over.

It is in NO WAY a reflection on the children themselves but only of the character of the father. I don't think it reflects a difference in love, either.

I remember reading a study about how frequently men leave women who become very, very ill. It's shockingly common. I think this is a similar dynamic, in which the men find themselves in situations they feel they can't control, problems they can't solve, so they run away. It's their weakness.

Interesting. I was the kid from the second marriage. The third marriage has yielded no children.

[Anonymous]

Well my theory is if the man abandoned the child when the child was very young, it would be highly unlikely for him to suddenly come back into his life now that he is an adult just because he doesn't have to deal w/the mother anymore.

Too much water under the bridge already.

The bond has already been severed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)

PP, you are truly evil. I initially typed "horrible," but "evil" is a better fit. Accurate.

What children who are abandoned by their parents pretty universally fear is that their parents left them because there was something inherently wrong with them. And what do you specifically ask in your post? - if the OPs father "knows something" about the OP that would make him want to avoid her. You just had to go right for the Achilles heel, didn't you?

Maybe I am evil. I have also refused to meet my brother's children, because I know he is an unending sink for money. If he could, he would take all my money, make it evaporate into nothing (it is amazing to me how he makes money disappear with no apparent gain for himself or his large family), and come back for more. Sometimes fear of intimacy is due to the knowledge that the person has needs that could cripple you but give that person no gain. And, honestly, maybe her father is evil as well. If I am evil, he may just be evil in the exact same way. Not all fathers are good. Maybe she should accept that her father is evil.

Yes because you will need all that money in your after life

WTH? Maybe she needs her OWN money now?!

More than trying to live her blood? She's using money as an excuse. They probably don't want to see her anyway. My rich aunt is obnoxious so we avoid her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that he knows something about you that makes him want to avoid contact? For example, are you very poor and likely to ask for support for your new baby? Or a gift for the new baby? Or babysitting for the new baby?

Maybe your mother was a drain on him, maybe she was mentally ill? Maybe you show similar emotional/mental qualities (even though you are physically different) as your mom?

Your posts are a bit incoherent, and lack the maturity expected in the mother of a new baby. Maybe he can see this as well and is worried something that will drain what little life he has (he is after all 80) instead of giving him joy? (I also find it very emotionally immature that you just can not understand that not everybody bonds with children)

OP, ignore this mean fuck of a poster. I'll reiterate what others have said: Your father's actions are not a reflection of anything about you, your character, your actions, or you lovableness. You sound like quite the opposite of your father. You are a loving mother who can't imagine feeling and behaving otherwise toward your child. The PP above, unfortunately, sounds more like your father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course sane women have abandoned their kids. There have been many, many reasons given to you beside insanity/addiction and yet you just keep repeating yourself like a broken record. Painful or not, you should talk to your mother. You should also seek counseling as this seems to be something that is eating at you and that you are very stuck on

Maybe. But I've never seen it. All the instance I've seen of women leaving have been schizophrenic and/or drug (think crack, heroin)abuse

Part of that is how the court system works. If dads were automatically given custody and moms told they could see their kids 4 days a month if dad decides to let them, you would see far more women leaving their kids too.

Would you please stop posting on this thread? You post enough about "fathers rights" on special concerns. This is not a fathers rights question. Thanks - OP

You don't actually know what it is because you don't know the story seeing as no one has told you. And I don't post about father's rights on special concerns. Although I do believe in men's and father's rights. You keep asking the same question over and over. Seeing as you seem to know the answer you want - just say it.