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[quote=Anonymous]OP, my father was abandoned by his father when he was a kid. And his mom had a drinking problem, if not a full blown alcoholic. Consequently he was never able to form close attachments to anyone. He never left us, but he was never emotionally there for us. On his death bed, he said we were making grave mistakes allowing our children to love us, because we would just leave and hurt them. By death or otherwise. He was a man so hurt by abandonment, he almost ceased being human himself. Needless to say he was never much of a father. I grew up feeling like an orphan boarding at some random couples house. They kept me fed and clothed, but that was about it.

I found a picture of him recently when he was about four. He was smiling like crazy and looked so joyful. I never saw him smile in my lifetime. It made me realize how damaged he was from his own life, and that he used to be someone's little boy once. Instead of the lifelong anger and hurt I had always felt about his emotional coldness, I began to feel sympathy. Who could do that to a little boy?

The point I'm trying to make is perhaps your dad suffered some sort if emotional trains that made him unable to bond with you, like my dad couldn't bond with me. My dad was in the house, but at best he was a shell of a person. Try hard not to take it personally. It's much more likely his own failings or own damage that made him leave.

Curiously, I'm watching my brother abandon his birth family now, in his 40s. I haven't figured out quite why yet. He's running from pain, but I'm not sure why now. Why not when he was 20? In any event, people can be pushed to do things by deep seated emotions they may not even be aware if themselves.

I've put my energy into not letting our family dysfunction get passed off to the next generation. I've tried really hard to do the attachment parenting thing, put family first, create a healthy home life, etc. I can't change the past, but I can build a good future. You can, too. Best wishes.[/quote]

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