What makes a man abandon his child?

[Anonymous]

Last time I posted it was suggested the mother was a bitch. But the child is an adult now and interaction with the mother would not be necessary. So why do men abandon their kids?

[Anonymous]

What?

[Anonymous]

Ok, make a list of every negative emotion you can think of. Could be any number of those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, make a list of every negative emotion you can think of. Could be any number of those.

I was 4. I am now 40. What emotions ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, make a list of every negative emotion you can think of. Could be any number of those.

I was 4. I am now 40. What emotions ?

Why do parents abandon their children?
Anger, fear, sadness, selfishness, entitlement, etc.
Rage aka mental illness.
It has everything to do with how they were raised.
Do you have children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, make a list of every negative emotion you can think of. Could be any number of those.

I was 4. I am now 40. What emotions ?

Why do parents abandon their children?
Anger, fear, sadness, selfishness, entitlement, etc.
Rage aka mental illness.
It has everything to do with how they were raised.
Do you have children?

Yes and I can't understand how it possible.

[Anonymous]

Are you trying to figure out for yourself why your father left when you were 4?

Do you know that he is alive and well?

Men leave because when the relationship falls apart, they immediately become unessential to the 'family' (except for money). That was very true 36 years ago. No judge back then would have given a father custody except in extreme cases. Fathers were socialized and raised to believe they were fairly insignificant, that their role was to financially provide, and that they were not an equal parent. So sticking around and fighting for your kids also meant fighting against society's view of you as a parent. On top of that women had a great deal of control over the father - daughter relationship. If the mother was the primary parent, she was shaping the child's perception of the father, she controlled visitation and she controlled the child's understanding of who played what role in the relationship breaking and the reasons why the father left.

Within that context men left for all kinds of reasons. Some had mental illness or addition, some left for work, some felt guilty for being a screw-up, some eventually quit fighting for their kids when they didn't get anywhere, some were immature and irresponsible, some had never bonded with the kids, some felt overwhelmed, some were poor and humiliated they couldn't better provide, some just wanted a fresh start, some felt hopeless, some were so angry at the mother they wouldn't envision being able to maintain a relationship....there are a thousand reasons.

If you want to know why your father left, the only person who can answer that is him. Have you had any contact in the last 36 years? Do you know where he lives? If so, ask him to meet to talk. Not to drill him on why he left as that immediately will make him wary of meeting, but to ask for his side of the story, to find about about his life growing up, to find out what made him make the decision he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you trying to figure out for yourself why your father left when you were 4?

Do you know that he is alive and well?

Men leave because when the relationship falls apart, they immediately become unessential to the 'family' (except for money). That was very true 36 years ago. No judge back then would have given a father custody except in extreme cases. Fathers were socialized and raised to believe they were fairly insignificant, that their role was to financially provide, and that they were not an equal parent. So sticking around and fighting for your kids also meant fighting against society's view of you as a parent. On top of that women had a great deal of control over the father - daughter relationship. If the mother was the primary parent, she was shaping the child's perception of the father, she controlled visitation and she controlled the child's understanding of who played what role in the relationship breaking and the reasons why the father left.

Within that context men left for all kinds of reasons. Some had mental illness or addition, some left for work, some felt guilty for being a screw-up, some eventually quit fighting for their kids when they didn't get anywhere, some were immature and irresponsible, some had never bonded with the kids, some felt overwhelmed, some were poor and humiliated they couldn't better provide, some just wanted a fresh start, some felt hopeless, some were so angry at the mother they wouldn't envision being able to maintain a relationship....there are a thousand reasons.

If you want to know why your father left, the only person who can answer that is him. Have you had any contact in the last 36 years? Do you know where he lives? If so, ask him to meet to talk. Not to drill him on why he left as that immediately will make him wary of meeting, but to ask for his side of the story, to find about about his life growing up, to find out what made him make the decision he did.

Yes and yes. He just turned 80

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you trying to figure out for yourself why your father left when you were 4?

Do you know that he is alive and well?

Men leave because when the relationship falls apart, they immediately become unessential to the 'family' (except for money). That was very true 36 years ago. No judge back then would have given a father custody except in extreme cases. Fathers were socialized and raised to believe they were fairly insignificant, that their role was to financially provide, and that they were not an equal parent. So sticking around and fighting for your kids also meant fighting against society's view of you as a parent. On top of that women had a great deal of control over the father - daughter relationship. If the mother was the primary parent, she was shaping the child's perception of the father, she controlled visitation and she controlled the child's understanding of who played what role in the relationship breaking and the reasons why the father left.

Within that context men left for all kinds of reasons. Some had mental illness or addition, some left for work, some felt guilty for being a screw-up, some eventually quit fighting for their kids when they didn't get anywhere, some were immature and irresponsible, some had never bonded with the kids, some felt overwhelmed, some were poor and humiliated they couldn't better provide, some just wanted a fresh start, some felt hopeless, some were so angry at the mother they wouldn't envision being able to maintain a relationship....there are a thousand reasons.

If you want to know why your father left, the only person who can answer that is him. Have you had any contact in the last 36 years? Do you know where he lives? If so, ask him to meet to talk. Not to drill him on why he left as that immediately will make him wary of meeting, but to ask for his side of the story, to find about about his life growing up, to find out what made him make the decision he did.

Yes and yes. He just turned 80

He will not speak to me. He did not file for custody. He did not pay child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you trying to figure out for yourself why your father left when you were 4?

Do you know that he is alive and well?

Men leave because when the relationship falls apart, they immediately become unessential to the 'family' (except for money). That was very true 36 years ago. No judge back then would have given a father custody except in extreme cases. Fathers were socialized and raised to believe they were fairly insignificant, that their role was to financially provide, and that they were not an equal parent. So sticking around and fighting for your kids also meant fighting against society's view of you as a parent. On top of that women had a great deal of control over the father - daughter relationship. If the mother was the primary parent, she was shaping the child's perception of the father, she controlled visitation and she controlled the child's understanding of who played what role in the relationship breaking and the reasons why the father left.

Within that context men left for all kinds of reasons. Some had mental illness or addition, some left for work, some felt guilty for being a screw-up, some eventually quit fighting for their kids when they didn't get anywhere, some were immature and irresponsible, some had never bonded with the kids, some felt overwhelmed, some were poor and humiliated they couldn't better provide, some just wanted a fresh start, some felt hopeless, some were so angry at the mother they wouldn't envision being able to maintain a relationship....there are a thousand reasons.

If you want to know why your father left, the only person who can answer that is him. Have you had any contact in the last 36 years? Do you know where he lives? If so, ask him to meet to talk. Not to drill him on why he left as that immediately will make him wary of meeting, but to ask for his side of the story, to find about about his life growing up, to find out what made him make the decision he did.

Yes and yes. He just turned 80

Then go talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Does he have other children? You might be able to talk to them and find out more about who he is as a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have other children? You might be able to talk to them and find out more about who he is as a person.

Different mother, yes. 1 was killed. He tried to get our dad to talk to me. The other just passes along his excuses. "Dad said he doesn't travel is much...whatever that means" and that's why he couldn't come to the babies' dedication .

[Anonymous]

Ps I've been near his current home with baby he wouldn't respond to email, phone call etc.
Thought it bad to just show up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have other children? You might be able to talk to them and find out more about who he is as a person.

Different mother, yes. 1 was killed. He tried to get our dad to talk to me. The other just passes along his excuses. "Dad said he doesn't travel is much...whatever that means" and that's why he couldn't come to the babies' dedication .

Oops 1 baby. I have the only definite grand baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have other children? You might be able to talk to them and find out more about who he is as a person.

Different mother, yes. 1 was killed. He tried to get our dad to talk to me. The other just passes along his excuses. "Dad said he doesn't travel is much...whatever that means" and that's why he couldn't come to the babies' dedication .

Why would you expect he could come to a babies dedication? that is a strange invite for a man you haven't seen or spoken too in 36 years. You have to let go of having him in your life as a father. He isn't rejecting you, he doesn't even know you. Who knows why he won't talk to you - guilt? pride? fear? denial?

Your half sibling should be able to tell about what kind of man your dad is. Don't go to him as a go between, just ask him to tell you about his dad and his life growing up. That might answer some of your questions. Did he compensate by trying to be a great dad to his next family? Was he an angry alcoholic his whole life?