What makes a man abandon his child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have other children? You might be able to talk to them and find out more about who he is as a person.

Different mother, yes. 1 was killed. He tried to get our dad to talk to me. The other just passes along his excuses. "Dad said he doesn't travel is much...whatever that means" and that's why he couldn't come to the babies' dedication .

Why would you expect he could come to a babies dedication? that is a strange invite for a man you haven't seen or spoken too in 36 years. You have to let go of having him in your life as a father. He isn't rejecting you, he doesn't even know you. Who knows why he won't talk to you - guilt? pride? fear? denial?

Your half sibling should be able to tell about what kind of man your dad is. Don't go to him as a go between, just ask him to tell you about his dad and his life growing up. That might answer some of your questions. Did he compensate by trying to be a great dad to his next family? Was he an angry alcoholic his whole life?

I'm the youngest. He didn't grow up with him either. He had no children after me

[Anonymous]

But , how can somebody abandon their kid. I just couldn't. I would fight and fight and fight to be with me kid. I don't get it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But , how can somebody abandon their kid. I just couldn't. I would fight and fight and fight to be with me kid. I don't get it

You have to let go of not getting it. There is never just one perspective in life, if you can't fathom any other experience or perspective than your own, there is really no point in talking to him. People give up the fight for many reasons...

[Anonymous]

If you knew where he came from, that might explain a lot. That's why I hate child abuse and neglect. It tends to repeat, not always. But it's hard to avoid going in the opposite extreme to overcompensate. That's what many of us end up doing.

[Anonymous]

How old is your baby now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your baby now?

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But , how can somebody abandon their kid. I just couldn't. I would fight and fight and fight to be with me kid. I don't get it

You have to let go of not getting it. There is never just one perspective in life, if you can't fathom any other experience or perspective than your own, there is really no point in talking to him. People give up the fight for many reasons...

He didn't fight. He abandoned us and did not try to see me at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your baby now?

Why?

Never mind. No need to know. I just want to share that when your child nears age four, if I were in your shoes, I'd be in some good counselling. I know of a similar situation. You might look at your child before you at your same age, and all kinds of intense emotions might come up, some acute sadness. Not saying it would. Might. Make any sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But , how can somebody abandon their kid. I just couldn't. I would fight and fight and fight to be with me kid. I don't get it

You have to let go of not getting it. There is never just one perspective in life, if you can't fathom any other experience or perspective than your own, there is really no point in talking to him. People give up the fight for many reasons...

He didn't fight. He abandoned us and did not try to see me at all.

Maybe he was never an involved parent in any way. Maybe he never bonded with you right from birth, maybe he didn't spend much time with you between 0 and 4. If that as the case, it might have been easier for him to walk away because he wasn't connected to you, he didn't know you as his child, he didn't experience really being a father.
Seeing as he has older kids who also didn't grow up with him, did he walk away from them too?
What has your mother told you about him and what he was like with you when you were young?
Did you ever see him again after 4?

[Anonymous]

The thing that springs to mind here is maybe your mother had an affair and he discovered that you were not biologically his. You just never know what happened in someone else's relationship.

You will never be able to make someone do something, and he will never be the father you want. I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Depression? Mental illness? Self hatred? Substance abuse? Abused as a child? There are many reasons people can't form emotional attachments. I know it's little solace to say this, but he didn't personally reject you because of you. People who do this aren't healthy people. Who knows what pain or fury he lives with? Feel strong and grateful that despite that hole in your life, "you" can still be emotionally close to others.

[Anonymous]

Some people are not good people, OP. You can fertilize an egg but that doesn't make you a father. Obviously it's not you because your half-sibling was not parented either.

Walk away from this person. Permanently. An empty well cannot give water. A poisoned well cannot give life. Anything he brings into your life and your child's life will be toxic. Do not look to him for fathering. Find other sources of fathering and grandfathering.

[Anonymous]

OP, all I know it is not about you, it is about him. And most probably it s not about your mom who stood in his way (I don't really believe in this excuse anyway).
I can only imagine how hard it is to feel rejected this way. My H once said he wouldn't see our child if we divorced, as he is too young to remember him, and he would only have resources for one child who remembers him (his daughter by the first marriage), blah blah. I know he said it just to hurt me (we were fighting and talking divorce big time), but ouch it did hurt. So I think I can relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But , how can somebody abandon their kid. I just couldn't. I would fight and fight and fight to be with me kid. I don't get it

You have to let go of not getting it. There is never just one perspective in life, if you can't fathom any other experience or perspective than your own, there is really no point in talking to him. People give up the fight for many reasons...

He didn't fight. He abandoned us and did not try to see me at all.

Do you know what was going on 40 years ago? I do not know why someone would abandon the kids....but in 1973, the father was not getting custody. Even shared custody. The father was not really emotionally invested until later, maybe in the 80's. Society has changed. Still sucks.

Even with that, many parents are just sperm donors, and not emotionally connected to the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing that springs to mind here is maybe your mother had an affair and he discovered that you were not biologically his. You just never know what happened in someone else's relationship.

You will never be able to make someone do something, and he will never be the father you want. I'm sorry, OP.

No sadly I think he was my mother only sexual partner. I look just like him and my 1/2 brothers. He definitely had an affair but not my mom.