Reply to What makes a man abandon his child?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Are you trying to figure out for yourself why your father left when you were 4?

Do you know that he is alive and well?

Men leave because when the relationship falls apart, they immediately become unessential to the 'family' (except for money). That was very true 36 years ago. No judge back then would have given a father custody except in extreme cases. Fathers were socialized and raised to believe they were fairly insignificant, that their role was to financially provide, and that they were not an equal parent. So sticking around and fighting for your kids also meant fighting against society's view of you as a parent. On top of that women had a great deal of control over the father - daughter relationship. If the mother was the primary parent, she was shaping the child's perception of the father, she controlled visitation and she controlled the child's understanding of who played what role in the relationship breaking and the  reasons why the father left.

Within that context men left for all kinds of reasons. Some had mental illness or addition, some left for work, some felt guilty for being a screw-up, some eventually quit fighting for their kids when they didn't get anywhere, some were immature and irresponsible, some had never bonded with the kids, some felt overwhelmed, some were poor and humiliated they couldn't better provide, some just wanted a fresh start, some felt hopeless, some were so angry at the mother they wouldn't envision being able to maintain a relationship....there are a thousand reasons.

If you want to know why your father left, the only person who can answer that is him. Have you had any contact in the last 36 years? Do you know where he lives? If so, ask him to meet to talk. Not to drill him on why he left as that immediately will make him wary of meeting, but to ask for his side of the story, to find about about his life growing up, to find out what made him make the decision he did. [/quote]

one of the best posts I have seen on DCUM - nice to see a  non judgmental, spirit of helpfulness in a post.[/quote]

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