How long can you go without sexual intimacy as a couple?

[Anonymous]

I can't believe I am in a sexless marriage because up until just a few months ago we were at least once a week. It just stopped. He says he game anytime but there is always an excuse. I am tired of being rejected. I think he is shallow. Very fit. I am 5'4, 130 lbs. Not fat but not as fit as he is. Maybe I just don't turn him on. He works in an environment with a lot of very young, very fit people. Sad to me because I know in the end, it will be the end.

[Anonymous]

After 6 months of no sex, I'm looking for an exit strategy. Sex is a basic need of mine. If a partner isn't interested in meeting that need, it isn't going to work out. I'm as upfront as a girl can be about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a sexless marriage for nearly 10 years. We got it back on track about 8 months ago. It is possible. But it took something drastic -- me almost cheating.

Not OP - Good for you. I am in a similar position. Going on about 4 years at this point. Can you share how you recreated the joint desire ? Were you and your spouse sexless and also affection-less/no empathy or purely sexless ? I find it is the lack of affection that is more relationship killing than the act of sex ? How to create desire for someone who has been rejecting you for years ?

I withholding sex to be the most incredibly passive aggressive act I have experienced. Their are parts of my DW that I truly do love and we do have a history in life but I find myself checking out, and if not for kids would have probably either had emotional affair/cheated or left ?

Thanks for any info you can provide.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

We had some dry spells during pregnancy/new baby phases, but never more than a few weeks.

Every couple is different, but my DH hasn't even blinked at my post-childbearing body. He's still happy to have sex with me. And I've unfortunately been downright fat since having kids, despite my best efforts, so if anyone would have a right to be turned off completely, it's my DH.

That said, we go through stretches sometimes when he is under a lot of stress at work, and that's probably our biggest challenge. It's hard for him to shut his stress brain off for *anything* - be it the kids, hobbies, or sex. Fortunately, his work tends to be cyclical - he'll have a rough couple of weeks then be okay again. But if his job was all stress all the time, we'd have a lot less sex.

I wouldn't be okay with no sex for months or years. That would be a deal breaker for me. I feel for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At one point, my wife and I were having sex every 3 - 6 weeks. I finally talked to her about it. The talk made her sad. However, I was surprised to find out that she thought I was cool with it. Turns out that being a laid back husband, trying to give her the space she needed, and not focusing on sex backfired on me. Contrary to what I'd been led to believe, pushing for sex can be the right thing to do.

We're up to once every week or two. Still not as frequent as I'd like; but loads more tolerable.

So is it "duty" sex or does your wife activity participate?

More often than not, she gets into it once we get going. It just takes awhile to get her engine running. I'd love it if the mere sight of me made her quake with desire. But, I've come to terms with the fact that I have to be the one to get things started, and I have to do most of the foreplay to get things going. But, once I've done that, she comes on pretty strong.

[Anonymous]

AroundTheBlock wrote:Wife and I found out we were having a baby last Christmas day (yes, literally on Christmas day). We didn't have sex at all during her pregnancy. Since our baby was born 12 weeks ago we've had sex twice.

Basically, we've had sex twice in 12 months.

Actually, sex twice at only 12 weeks post-partum is not bad ... Pretty normal to ramp up slowly. But why no sex during pregnancy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At one point, my wife and I were having sex every 3 - 6 weeks. I finally talked to her about it. The talk made her sad. However, I was surprised to find out that she thought I was cool with it. Turns out that being a laid back husband, trying to give her the space she needed, and not focusing on sex backfired on me. Contrary to what I'd been led to believe, pushing for sex can be the right thing to do.

We're up to once every week or two. Still not as frequent as I'd like; but loads more tolerable.

So is it "duty" sex or does your wife activity participate?

More often than not, she gets into it once we get going. It just takes awhile to get her engine running. I'd love it if the mere sight of me made her quake with desire. But, I've come to terms with the fact that I have to be the one to get things started, and I have to do most of the foreplay to get things going. But, once I've done that, she comes on pretty strong.

This is really very common. I try to initiate, I really do, but life and responsibilities frequently get in the way. I usually can't shut my brain off work/kids/house/family/bills without a significant effort. So it helps a lot if DH distracts me and then is very patient with the foreplay. If he waits for me to initiate and only me to initiate, he's never going to feel satisfied.

But although sex easily gets pushed aside when I've got a lot on my mind, once he initiates I am completely on board 95% of the time. And I enjoy it, really and truly.

It took a while to come to this understanding, though. DH is not an aggressive guy and his default had been to wait for me to show interest, then proceed. This was fine when we were in our 20s and had nothing to worry about but ourselves - I had so much less on my mind, then, and could spend an entire weekend lazing around our studio apartment showing interest. But the reality is different now, and we've found that a bit of assertiveness from DH really makes all the difference. It's more work for him than it used to be, but I think he finds it worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

I'm in menopause, and my libido went away. We have not had sex in a while, and before that had sex once a month at most. I found it too infrequent, but DH was OK with it. At this point, I don't know what to do to restart our sex life. I've talked with DH about this, but he's still extremely stressed out about his work situation, which has colored our entire lives recently. I don't know what to do about it, since I can't fix his work situation, try as I might. I would agree that a sexless marriage is a marriage killer, and I don't want my marriage to end, but I don't know how to fix this, not now. Maybe when the work stress is resolved, we can restart our sex life, I don't know. I hope so. It's depressing to have a "roommate" and not a husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At one point, my wife and I were having sex every 3 - 6 weeks. I finally talked to her about it. The talk made her sad. However, I was surprised to find out that she thought I was cool with it. Turns out that being a laid back husband, trying to give her the space she needed, and not focusing on sex backfired on me. Contrary to what I'd been led to believe, pushing for sex can be the right thing to do.

We're up to once every week or two. Still not as frequent as I'd like; but loads more tolerable.

Why was SHE cool with that low level of frequency?

[Anonymous]

I felt like SHIT when I was pregnant. I think we had sex twice the entire time. I honestly didn't even want to be touched because even the slightest touch (especially in the first trimester) messed me up. I was so sick that I was literally crawling into bed at night and praying for sleep so I didn't feel like vomiting every single second of the day.

I am not abnormal to not want to screw when I was struggling just to get out of bed every day for 9 months.

My sex drive sucks since having my child. My husband hates it, and it has been a problem in our marriage, but I can't force myself to be in the mood. Some of it is being uncomfortable with my body (I have ALWAYS had body image problems, and now that I actually do have some flaws...), some of it is just the daily grind of life, and I'll admit it - my husband has let himself go and isn't physically attractive to me anymore. We had been trying for another baby for a couple years, so he was getting it at least a few times per month. But it was out of necessity...and apparently we can't get pregnant the normal way anymore, anyway. We're probably doing the deed once a week at best.

I have a friend who hasn't had sex with her husband since they were dating. I don't understand it, personally, but she seems OK with their relationship. In any other couple, I would say he was probably cheating, but this one? No way. Something is physically and/or mentally wrong with him when it comes to sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At one point, my wife and I were having sex every 3 - 6 weeks. I finally talked to her about it. The talk made her sad. However, I was surprised to find out that she thought I was cool with it. Turns out that being a laid back husband, trying to give her the space she needed, and not focusing on sex backfired on me. Contrary to what I'd been led to believe, pushing for sex can be the right thing to do.

We're up to once every week or two. Still not as frequent as I'd like; but loads more tolerable.

So is it "duty" sex or does your wife activity participate?

More often than not, she gets into it once we get going. It just takes awhile to get her engine running. I'd love it if the mere sight of me made her quake with desire. But, I've come to terms with the fact that I have to be the one to get things started, and I have to do most of the foreplay to get things going. But, once I've done that, she comes on pretty strong.

. . .

It took a while to come to this understanding, though. DH is not an aggressive guy and his default had been to wait for me to show interest, then proceed. This was fine when we were in our 20s and had nothing to worry about but ourselves - I had so much less on my mind, then, and could spend an entire weekend lazing around our studio apartment showing interest. But the reality is different now, and we've found that a bit of assertiveness from DH really makes all the difference. It's more work for him than it used to be, but I think he finds it worthwhile.

I'm the quoted PP above. I also probably fall into the "wait for her to show interest" camp. Part of that is because I deeply internalized the message that women are constantly being raped and pressured into sex and I don't want to be that guy. (Even today, I read some stat that like 20% of women are raped or pressured into sex by the time they're 18.

Tough to reconcile my desire that sex be based on her enthusiastic consent with her need for me to be assertive to spark her interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At one point, my wife and I were having sex every 3 - 6 weeks. I finally talked to her about it. The talk made her sad. However, I was surprised to find out that she thought I was cool with it. Turns out that being a laid back husband, trying to give her the space she needed, and not focusing on sex backfired on me. Contrary to what I'd been led to believe, pushing for sex can be the right thing to do.

We're up to once every week or two. Still not as frequent as I'd like; but loads more tolerable.

Why was SHE cool with that low level of frequency?

Pregnancy, post-partum hormonal issues, then infants, then toddlers. Add a hormonal IUD to the mix. Then I was probably overly considerate of her disinterest in sex and insufficiently assertive about my interest in sex. Then add that I was unattractive because I got passive aggressive about the lack of sex. It's a toxic brew that I don't think is uncommon when you go through the early child years. Kids are school age, and I think we're pulling out of that death spiral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A year+ is not unusual - re pregnancy/birth of a new baby.

Life can throw you a curve ball - illness, operations, perhaps even disability. A couple has to be prepared for the possibility that bad things might happen ~ and not whine when they aren't getting enough, in the way they want.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL PEOPLE!!! NOT NORMAL AT ALL!!!

Go f- yourself. It may not be normal but it isn't fatal.

I don't need to fuck myself. I get to fuck my husband...you know, like normal regular fucking that husband and wife engage in a few times a week.

YOU ARE ABNORMAL IF YOU ARE GOING a year+ without sex. That is not even a marriage, that is a roommate.

good god, you have a lot of anger for someone so apparently satisfied. guessing that sex is the only thing you have going for you, and it makes you sad that others have more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many people on this thread who are experts on what is normal. I had no idea Masters and Johnson were in our midst. I'm honored.

Normal is a continuum. Normal is not what you decide it to be because you believe a lot of sex is normal and healthy and right and good. Normal is widespread on the continuum and people who have sex a few times a year also fall on the continuum of normal.

I wonder why the "Masters and Johnsons" of this thread are trying so hard.

+1. Seriously, there appears to be one poster why has taken it upon herself to declare what's normal and not normal (in bold and in caps, no less!). What a miserable (and uneducated) whack job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt like SHIT when I was pregnant. I think we had sex twice the entire time. I honestly didn't even want to be touched because even the slightest touch (especially in the first trimester) messed me up. I was so sick that I was literally crawling into bed at night and praying for sleep so I didn't feel like vomiting every single second of the day.

I am not abnormal to not want to screw when I was struggling just to get out of bed every day for 9 months.

My sex drive sucks since having my child. My husband hates it, and it has been a problem in our marriage, but I can't force myself to be in the mood. Some of it is being uncomfortable with my body (I have ALWAYS had body image problems, and now that I actually do have some flaws...), some of it is just the daily grind of life, and I'll admit it - my husband has let himself go and isn't physically attractive to me anymore. We had been trying for another baby for a couple years, so he was getting it at least a few times per month. But it was out of necessity...and apparently we can't get pregnant the normal way anymore, anyway. We're probably doing the deed once a week at best.

I have a friend who hasn't had sex with her husband since they were dating. I don't understand it, personally, but she seems OK with their relationship. In any other couple, I would say he was probably cheating, but this one? No way. Something is physically and/or mentally wrong with him when it comes to sex.

You seem fun.