How long can you go without sexual intimacy as a couple?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We haven't had sex for my entire pregnancy, and I'm almost 9 months pregnant. Haven't really thought about it, haven't had any desire. Before pregnancy we would have sex once every 6 months or so, or maybe even less frequently. I have an extremely satisfying marriage and we've been married 12 years. I am 100% satisfied with my marriage. I just personally don't find sex as a general concept that great or fulfilling.

Is your DH on the same page? Have you always had low libido?

[Anonymous]

A sexless marriage is just a legally complicated friendship.

Also, there is a balance. There is a poster or a few posters around here who seem to think that casting a skeptical eye at marriages where sexual frequency is measured in *years* instead of days or weeks is the same as demanding that a marriage have *constant* sex.

If both spouses are on board with the sexual frequency, then it's a good frequency, regardless. But, very often, one spouse doesn't feel entitled to speak up about their wants and needs; whether they want sex more or less. And that's a problem.

Statistically speaking, there will be a "normal" frequency for enduring marriages. That frequency won't be ideal for all marriages; but there will be a mean and a median. Those numbers aren't the end of the discussion, but they are at least helpful for a spouse wondering about sexual frequency to know if their preferences are unusual or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are different. We have sex once every few months and it's fine.

But did you marry someone you're not all that sexually attracted to? I do think some people have lower drive but I also think many, many of these people marry for other reasons than sexual attraction and never were all that attracted to their spouse in the first place -- so they don't want or need to have sex regularly.

[polychromatic]

holy cow this thread is all over the place.

Being a couple mean that you have to communicate your needs.
the two of you will need come to an understanding on the frequency of intimacy.
Compromise.
because if you are not intimate with each other (emotionally and physically) what are you? Friends?

Good luck

[Anonymous]

DH has not touched me in 4 months. And we had been on a two month dry spell before that. He swears it isn't me, just he has no sex drive. I have hit my limit, and I am getting ready to give him an ultimatum. I found out from my MIL that she has gone through the same thing with FIL. Poor thing was on a 7 year dry spell and she vented to me. So, unless I do something quick...that will be me in 7 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You seem fun.

I was...before pregnancy. When I started puking several times a day at 6 weeks, that was pretty much the end of fun me. There are still glimpses, but the sexy part of me was handicapped from that day forward.

If you're not still puking several times a day, you should probably get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are different. We have sex once every few months and it's fine.

But did you marry someone you're not all that sexually attracted to? I do think some people have lower drive but I also think many, many of these people marry for other reasons than sexual attraction and never were all that attracted to their spouse in the first place -- so they don't want or need to have sex regularly.

Clearly they do. There was a thread around here awhile back where a lot of the posters (women in particular, if memory serves) were very clear about how the best sex they'd ever had was with someone who would be totally inappropriate as a long term partner. And I don't think that was just coincidence -- I think sometimes instability and unpredictability which can be ingredients of great sex are fundamentally incompatible with the security and stability you want from a long term partner.

[Anonymous]

polychromatic wrote:holy cow this thread is all over the place.

Being a couple mean that you have to communicate your needs.
the two of you will need come to an understanding on the frequency of intimacy.
Compromise.
because if you are not intimate with each other (emotionally and physically) what are you? Friends?

Good luck

How does a person who doesn't want to have sex compromise without feeling violated? Seems like you potentially at least start skirting the edges of rape pretty fast in that scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

polychromatic wrote:holy cow this thread is all over the place.

Being a couple mean that you have to communicate your needs.
the two of you will need come to an understanding on the frequency of intimacy.
Compromise.
because if you are not intimate with each other (emotionally and physically) what are you? Friends?

Good luck

How does a person who doesn't want to have sex compromise without feeling violated? Seems like you potentially at least start skirting the edges of rape pretty fast in that scenario.

As a long-married DW, I totally disagree with your concept of rape. Rape is sexual violation. However, cutting someone off completely from sex to the point that having sex at all compares with rape is so overbroad as to insult rape victims everywhere.

Get your facts straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You seem fun.

I was...before pregnancy. When I started puking several times a day at 6 weeks, that was pretty much the end of fun me. There are still glimpses, but the sexy part of me was handicapped from that day forward.

If you're not still puking several times a day, you should probably get over it.

get over it - Yes, thank you for that stellar advice

There is a lot more going on than just "pregnancy sucked" for me. I'm really just saying that that is the last time I was "fun sexy me" - I haven't really been the same with regards to sex since, for a multitude of reasons.

Believe it or not, my husband still loves me and still wants to be have sex with me as frequently as I will allow him access. It's nowhere near as frequent as he wants, and I know it is a problem. But like lots of people, I'm just trying to get through the days, paying the bills, feeding and clothing everyone and keeping everyone alive. I am trying to work on me by being active in things I care about and getting back into shape as much as possible, schedule allowing.

I am well aware that I have issues, but they are not things that one just "gets over." Could I use therapy? Sure. But again, it isn't anywhere close to the top of my list of things I need to do at this moment.

[Anonymous]

Everyone's situation is different. I was stitched up at 20 weeks of pregnancy and so sex was a no no. I then had the twins at 33 weeks and had a c-section. I have to say that the fertility drugs really did a number on my body. But regardless I'm 10lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant.

Sometimes we go 3 weeks, schedules, etc. But after that my DH gets cranky!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

polychromatic wrote:holy cow this thread is all over the place.

Being a couple mean that you have to communicate your needs.
the two of you will need come to an understanding on the frequency of intimacy.
Compromise.
because if you are not intimate with each other (emotionally and physically) what are you? Friends?

Good luck

How does a person who doesn't want to have sex compromise without feeling violated? Seems like you potentially at least start skirting the edges of rape pretty fast in that scenario.

As a long-married DW, I totally disagree with your concept of rape. Rape is sexual violation. However, cutting someone off completely from sex to the point that having sex at all compares with rape is so overbroad as to insult rape victims everywhere.

Get your facts straight.

Having sex when you don't want to but feel coerced sounds an awful lot like rape. I think the unwilling spouse in that situation should end the marriage; not have sex against his or her will.

[Anonymous]

Less than 3X a week = not ideal

Pregnancy and newborns slowed us down a bit at various points in our marriage, but our sex life is as good as ever. Sometimes I feel like we are still honeymooners.

I'm really surprised that so many people here are ok with having really infrequent sex considering that women are supposed to reach their sexual peak at about 35.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Less than 3X a week = not ideal

Pregnancy and newborns slowed us down a bit at various points in our marriage, but our sex life is as good as ever. Sometimes I feel like we are still honeymooners.

I'm really surprised that so many people here are ok with having really infrequent sex considering that women are supposed to reach their sexual peak at about 35.

Women don't stop desiring sex at 35.. I heard because of menapose that they do.. But the 40s are still suppose to be fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Less than 3X a week = not ideal

Pregnancy and newborns slowed us down a bit at various points in our marriage, but our sex life is as good as ever. Sometimes I feel like we are still honeymooners.

I'm really surprised that so many people here are ok with having really infrequent sex considering that women are supposed to reach their sexual peak at about 35.

Women don't stop desiring sex at 35.. I heard because of menapose that they do.. But the 40s are still suppose to be fun.

Yes, sorry - left out the word "starting". 30-40s are supposed to be good for women sexually. Given that is the age of so many women here, I am surprised how many seem satisfied with very little.