dealing with in-laws after infidelity
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Anonymous
This. Emotional affairs are such a gray area and then to run to mommy and daddy about it. Being that this thread is 3 years old, my prediction is that your wife was never able to forgive you and eventually move back with her parents who still hate you. Am I right? |
Anonymous
I couldn't stand my friend's husband because he lied to her while they were dating about (not) living with another woman. It took me about 5 years to see he was totally committed to her so I finally forgave him and don't think he will hurt her. It's her right to talk to her family, who are her support network at a VERY difficult time. I would advise being more worried about deserving HER trust than anything else. Also, are you sure the affair was only emotional or was it only the emotional part that she found proof of? |
Anonymous
No, you're not. Some people are close to their parents, uncles, siblings, grandparents, throughout their lives. |
Anonymous
| My husband cheated and things will never be the same w/his family ever since. But they've been pretty toxic to me almost all of 30 years together; as horrible as his emotional and physical affair was - and yes, dude, it's the pits to be cheated on... worse in some ways than having a loved one die... the one upside is it freed me from trying to be accepted or loved anymore w/his people. For years, I tried, doubted myself, tried again, got rejected, never cherished by them.. they are toxic to one another and to outsiders especially. After his affair came out... they were even more awful to me. Their true colors came through loud and clear. I told him directly - I'm done w/your family. I won't reject them completely but I don't go out of my way to spend any quality time with them anymore. His toxic behavior from affair isn't in vacuum - I always thought he was different than them... had transcended their lousy behavior but I guess not. We are trying to work things out but they'll never be the same. I did ask him to write apology letters to my mom and siblings for treating me so poorly. Maybe you should do that. To his credit, he did that. But I feel as if I've had a huge weight lifted off my shoulder since now I don't feel guilty or wrong not being around his family. I'm free in this respect. Even the worse events in life has some blessings. But yes, I'd agree with many here - take your medicine and don't assume she "played up" the hurt and devastation to her family; that's still blaming her for your affair and your poor behavior and rejecteding, abandoning your wife during your emotional affair. If you were grown up enough man to cheat on her, then your are a grown ass enough man to make amends to her and her family and face the consequences of your actions. Grow up and behave like a loyal, cherishing man to your wife and her her family will make their own conclusions. You can only control your own behaviors. Just remember - talk is cheap, actions speak more than words and verbal promises. Imagine she was YOUR daughter and you found out her spouse cheated on her... how would you feel about a son-in-law doing that? Not so easy, is it? You've got a long road ahead but you made this mess, so time to get out the mop or swifter and keep cleaning it up. Peace. |
Anonymous
| My husband cheated and things will never be the same w/his family ever since. But they've been pretty toxic to me almost all of 30 years together; as horrible as his emotional and physical affair was - and yes, dude, it's the pits to be cheated on... worse in some ways than having a loved one die... the one upside is it freed me from trying to be accepted or loved anymore w/his people. For years, I tried, doubted myself, tried again, got rejected, never cherished by them.. they are toxic to one another and to outsiders especially. After his affair came out... they were even more awful to me. Their true colors came through loud and clear. I told him directly - I'm done w/your family. I won't reject them completely but I don't go out of my way to spend any quality time with them anymore. His toxic behavior from affair isn't in vacuum - I always thought he was different than them... had transcended their lousy behavior but I guess not. We are trying to work things out but they'll never be the same. I did ask him to write apology letters to my mom and siblings for treating me so poorly. Maybe you should do that. To his credit, he did that. But I feel as if I've had a huge weight lifted off my shoulder since now I don't feel guilty or wrong not being around his family. I'm free in this respect. Even the worse events in life has some blessings. But yes, I'd agree with many here - take your medicine and don't assume she "played up" the hurt and devastation to her family; that's still blaming her for your affair and your poor behavior and rejecteding, abandoning your wife during your emotional affair. If you were grown up enough man to cheat on her, then your are a grown ass enough man to make amends to her and her family and face the consequences of your actions. Grow up and behave like a loyal, cherishing man to your wife and her her family will make their own conclusions. You can only control your own behaviors. Just remember - talk is cheap, actions speak more than words and verbal promises. Imagine she was YOUR daughter and you found out her spouse cheated on her... how would you feel about a son-in-law doing that? Not so easy, is it? You've got a long road ahead but you made this mess, so time to get out the mop or swifter and keep cleaning it up. Peace. |
Anonymous
| Do what my ex Did: tell her the emotional affair was all her fault and don’t relent. If she wants to save the marriage she will jump through hoops and do a lot of introspection and start to believe you were justified in your affair. Then she will get her parents to back off because she will then be desperate to save the marriage. Turning tables is a great strategy. |
Anonymous
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When this happened with my father, my mother's family never forgave him. It has been 30 years and they all still hate him. He had a physical affair though (and I think you did too, OP). They are very civil to him -- too civil. They treat him with a very formal and distant sort of politeness, as if they just met him.
When my BIL cheated on my sis, I just had nothing to do with him again. We used to all hang out. Now, I give him a brief nod at family gatherings and keep it moving. |
Anonymous
| There's nothing you can do. They will always look at you with disgust from now on. |
Anonymous
No one likes you, OP. It’s not just her family. Keep up they therapy to try to be a better person, OP, yes. Right now you are clearly a selfish, jerky asshole and somehow you are just realizing it. Take this information seriously and turn things around. |
Anonymous
| Ready for some tough love... you better sit down for this one. If you are man enough... you'll read on. Ask yourself this... propel yourself into the future and your daughter is now a grown woman working hard, being a faithful wife and mom and revolving her life around her spouse and their children. Then you, a father and now father-in-law, find out this spouse was cheating on her - your wonderful, precious daughter. Instead of being a man and insisting they work thru their issues together, you son-in-law has turned his attention to another woman to get his adolescent urges and itches scratched. He is betraying his wife, his children and the family - a sacred bond- they built. Is she perfect? No. Is he? No. Is anyone? No. Does their marriage have flaws - sure - what one doesn't? But going outside of his marriage to fix issues inside it makes you see him as a coward and seeing your precious daughter hurt to her core for this betrayal feels like it's killing a part of you too as her dad. So what do you think you'd do? Do you think you'd trust your child's spouse again to put for your little girl (or little boy) first and not turn to another?? Because no parent wants that for their child - even in their adulthood. Be honest? Would you be so forgiving of that inlaw who hurt your daughter/son? Your wife didn't need to bad mouth you to them for them to not trust you anymore. And you and your affair partner(not your wife) created the situation for her to need to go back to her parents/her family of origin and LEAN on them (instead of you) at such hurtful betrayal. So yes, take your medicine, keep making amends to her, write her family all apology letters and understand that no parents wants to see their child - even their adult child hurt like the hurt that is an affair. And also, sad as it is, and especially for women, some of their own family members might blame their own for causing the affair (as the loyal spouse) so don't assume that some of her family haven't turned against her too. Yes, that happens - it's a way for them to not think of you as the total mean asshole you were in the affair. How do I know this??? ... because I was that loyal wife and I still am. I can't bare to be around my husband's family - because his affair makes me so ashamed; and they were actually awful to me when it came out by me accidentally discovering a text from his AP - affair partner. And yes, there was some of my family who tried to blame me for it too because so many people thought my spouse was such a stand up guy before all of this. When you have an affair -you hurt your loyal spouse, your kids, her extended family (your in laws), you hurt you own family of origin and your friends. It's way worse than divorce -they would have been honest- asking for that first rather than going behind her back to get your bottomless needs taken care of. You took a HUGE, sometimes unrepairable risx of doing this ....you and only you decided to take the coward's way out and if you can swallow your pride like you swallowed your affair partners compliments and boosting your ego... you might be able to repair things but it's not a quick fix and it takes hard work on your part. Use the energy and effort you had to court another woman while still married and text, sexext, email and hang out w/her in person and by phone... and pour that into your own growth and becoming a true grown ass man... and pour it into appreciating your wife and your marriage and the family you have. Ask yourself if you would have done this to a best male friend or liked seeing this happen your own sister or mom? NO?? Then why did you do this to your wife??? Sit with that for a few days. Affirm your wife as a woman and you might get back what you were getting from your AP - attention and fun and friendship and sex like you had when you were younger, freer together and before real life imposed itself on your marriage... kids, bills, stress. Just remember, while you were off bonding and flirting w/another woman.. she was cleaning your dirty underwear, preparing meals, caring for your lovely children and probably working full time. If your affair partner had to do that for your sorry ass... she'd probably not be interested in you much or for much longer. This can be a chance for you to turn into a true adult male and not the cowardly, mean one you were operating as. Is this tough to read.. you be it is but not half as hard as the hell you've put your wife thru by your actions. Thank God or the universe or whatever you say your gratitude to that you didn't have sex w/your AP (yet) altho' the literature on affairs says EA can be even worse for wives than ones with physical sex. Educate yourself on affairs and affair proofing your marriage. Get into therapy or a support group for sex addicts. Your wife is supposed to be the center of your universe, your best friend... your soul mate - not someone you get to shit on just because things got tough. Her mom knows that, her dad knows that and the rest of the family does. If she had cheated on you and used your character defects as an excuse to do so... do you honestly think your mom and dad and siblings would be so forgiving of her?? Get real. Most MIL's are hell to deal with and I'd hedge my bets your mom is a pain in her ass and would NEVER forgive your wife if she cheated on you - her little boy!! Ask yourself if your directed angry actions at your wife thru an affair that would be better addressed by you dealing w/your own issues about your own childhood and your own family that raised you. Got it?... stop being a whiny child... "boo hoo they haven't forgiven me yet or re-embraced me". If you want true healing, you must face what you were willing to just toss away like yesterday's trash... their child... your wife. Now go invite your in-laws for the holiday, you cook Thanksgiving dinner, you set the table, you organize the whole day, you get the kids ready, you do the dishes after and insist your wife get a mani/pedi and day of rest the whole weekend. Humble yourself and get off your pedestal now and do the work of repair and reconcilation and accept it might take years to do so. The marriage you had you and only you destroyed... not her, no her family- you and your selfish, self absorbed attitudes and your selfish, happy to help destroy your marriage and family affair partner. Grow up and get to work. I'll end with this quote for you to contemplate over this holiday season: "Real men stay faithful. They don't have time to look for other women because they are too busy looking for new ways to love their own." Got it? Good... get to work. Peace....MM |
Anonymous
| tl;dr plus, this post is 5.5 years old. |
Anonymous
I think it would be helpful for you if you stopped considering it in this regard/reframed it. You did a wrong thing. Because of what you did, your wife needed support, and reached out to her family. It's fortunate for her she had them to support her. If she had told her friends instead of her family you'd have the exact same situation, except with different people. It's fortunate for you she's willing to work through it, and unfortunate that other people are now involved. However, your actions are still the genesis of this entire situation. Unless her family is actually being rude to you or barring you from family gatherings, in which case she needs to step in and ask them to respect her decision, you need to suck it up and deal with the awkwardness. |
Anonymous
Agree with this. It’ll be hard to do but it’ll make things much easier in the long run. Future contacts will be MUCH easier once you apologize, even if they don’t fully forgive you. |
Anonymous
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Post on 11/15/2108 at 23:51
This is timeless topic and obviously others are here to read and learn how to handle similar situation... |