dealing with in-laws after infidelity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:take your medicine. They will never like you again, but at least you have your wife.

My wife bad-mouthed me to her family when we weren't getting along (not infidelity based) and they were a little pissed at me. However, they figured out she was being a spoiled brat and forgave me.

All you can do is be a better husband and see what happens. Make your wife happy first and don't worry about anything else.

Also, schedule unsupervised visits with your testicles if you can. I know they have been taken from you, but it's healthy to see them occasionally

Ouch, really? They will never like me again?

The reality of being a traitor to your family is sinking in. That's home wrecking for you. The mistress did the thing to the testicles; stop blaming the wife for what the two cheaters did.

[Anonymous]

Why did you have an emotional affair?

[Anonymous]

Put a private detective on the history and current goings on of her family. Place hidden cameras in your home. Get all the dirt ... Then wait for any lip .

[Anonymous]

^^^ lol. God forbid her masterbation tape falls out at her parents house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a feeling that this came to light less than a year ago. If I am correct, then you are in the wrong about wanting the family to move past it. Create a five-year goal and that will be much more realistic. I think apologizing to your In laws one on one would be a good idea. At a certain point when your wife chooses, she will need to tell her family to back down and support her.

Why should he apologize to the in-laws? The issue was, and is, between him and his wife. The in-laws are her family, not the aggrieved party. I think it was wrong for her to trash talk him (versus getting support); this will definitely make their efforts to reconcile way more difficult.

You apologize to the affected parties. Primarily to the wife, but also to her family since he let them down. That is just how families work.

What did you expect, OP? You fucked up and this us part of the price you pay. Be really good to your wife, never screw up so royally ever again, and it will get better over time. Apologize over and over. This is NOT the time to be indignant.

Maybe that's how your family works, but I would not expect an apology from a cheating SIL.

[Anonymous]

I have never gotten along with my MIL and feel I have paid the price for all 3 decades of my marriage for the abuse she heaped on my husband when he was a boy and child. But he could never "hurt or confront her" so he hurt me instead through having an affair. As soon as D-Day hit - despite not being able to breathe or function or stop crying for weeks out of so much sadness and shock - I knew this was my golden opportunity to cut this woman out of my life forever. She has done nothing but make married life - my life w/my husband and kids miserable for years. I feel this is fate or God's way of giving me a free pass out of this relationship w/a cold, uncaring and always "her kids are right" MIL. I told my husband it was too humiliating and hard to be around his parents knowing they knew he had cheated on me-they forgave him almost instantly btw because he is their "golden child". So except for one major party in the family - I have not seen them in 9 months. And except for our daughter's upcoming wedding - I won't. I have no beef w/his dad but he's so elderly and sweet there's no point in directing anything at him. I write to him and send him cards but I truly can't imagine just sitting around and schmoozing with my husband's family with the giant elephant in the room. His sister is a whole other story - my SIL not only supports my husband post his affair (during which time one of our young adult children had cancer - still does - and we have disabled teen son! Yes I am NOT making this up!!).... she even attacked me - saying he couldn't be blamed for cheating on "someone like me". What a piece of crap she is. So why sit around and have family gatherings with people like this? I've known they've looked down their noses at me for decades and his affair brought not only his crappy, entitled priveleged behavior to light -but his family of origin as well. I knew it was there all along - I just didn't want to face it or others told me it was about me not them. Ugh! Well I guess they see differently now. So I say the betrayed spouse gets to call the shots and set new boundaries to reestablish their own dignity around their contact with any and all inlaws post an affair coming to light. There are consequences to affairs that ripple through entire families. I know members of my extended family won't ever look at my husband the same and some would like to pop him in the face for the way he hurt me. So be it. Time to act like an adult and take your medicine. BTW, my family continues to be caring and concerned about both me and my husband because I don't come from cold, nasty, us-only family like he does. Just saying... the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Peace.

[Anonymous]

I have never gotten along with my MIL and feel I have paid the price for all 3 decades of my marriage for the abuse she heaped on my husband when he was a boy and child. But he could never "hurt or confront her" so he hurt me instead through having an affair. As soon as D-Day hit - despite not being able to breathe or function or stop crying for weeks out of so much sadness and shock - I knew this was my golden opportunity to cut this woman out of my life forever. She has done nothing but make married life - my life w/my husband and kids miserable for years. I feel this is fate or God's way of giving me a free pass out of this relationship w/a cold, uncaring and always "her kids are right" MIL. I told my husband it was too humiliating and hard to be around his parents knowing they knew he had cheated on me-they forgave him almost instantly btw because he is their "golden child". So except for one major party in the family - I have not seen them in 9 months. And except for our daughter's upcoming wedding - I won't. I have no beef w/his dad but he's so elderly and sweet there's no point in directing anything at him. I write to him and send him cards but I truly can't imagine just sitting around and schmoozing with my husband's family with the giant elephant in the room. His sister is a whole other story - my SIL not only supports my husband post his affair (during which time one of our young adult children had cancer - still does - and we have disabled teen son! Yes I am NOT making this up!!).... she even attacked me - saying he couldn't be blamed for cheating on "someone like me". What a piece of crap she is. So why sit around and have family gatherings with people like this? I've known they've looked down their noses at me for decades and his affair brought not only his crappy, entitled priveleged behavior to light -but his family of origin as well. I knew it was there all along - I just didn't want to face it or others told me it was about me not them. Ugh! Well I guess they see differently now. So I say the betrayed spouse gets to call the shots and set new boundaries to reestablish their own dignity around their contact with any and all inlaws post an affair coming to light. There are consequences to affairs that ripple through entire families. I know members of my extended family won't ever look at my husband the same and some would like to pop him in the face for the way he hurt me. So be it. Time to act like an adult and take your medicine. BTW, my family continues to be caring and concerned about both me and my husband because I don't come from cold, nasty, us-only family like he does. Just saying... the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Peace.

[Anonymous]

If she wanted to tell her parents she has forgiven you and she expects them to treat you respectfully, she could. But you're not really in a position to ask her to do that. Likely she has not forgiven you and is still trying to figure out whether she can.

[Anonymous]

My family hated my husband after the first affair. It was awkward for years until we split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family hated my husband after the first affair. It was awkward for years until we split.

And OP, you did this, so deal with it. I needed the support of my family to get through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious, what horrible things could she have said about you if the affair was only "emotional". Sorry, I am sure it sucks for you right now.

+ 1. Wow - it didn't take much for them to cast you aside. Or perhaps they think the emotional affair is bs. I know this is hard for some to understand but the emotional affair can be worse if you're on the receiving end. Goes from just sex to our marriage sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:take your medicine. They will never like you again, but at least you have your wife.

My wife bad-mouthed me to her family when we weren't getting along (not infidelity based) and they were a little pissed at me. However, they figured out she was being a spoiled brat and forgave me.

All you can do is be a better husband and see what happens. Make your wife happy first and don't worry about anything else.

Also, schedule unsupervised visits with your testicles if you can. I know they have been taken from you, but it's healthy to see them occasionally

Ouch, really? They will never like me again?

Not PP, but no, they will never like you again. You did something horrible and abusive to their child, whom they love dearly and whom they had believed you loved even more dearly.

My spouse cheated on me repeatedly. I did give him another chance after I found out the first time and kept quiet about his cheating, not telling any family or friends. But, that was a terrible decision for ME. It deprived me of support and counsel of the people I most respected at my darkest hour. But, it was great for my spouse, who got to maintain his facade as a great guy.

Cheating involves maintaining 2 different you's - one where you appear to be a great husband and one where you are a great person with someone else doing entirely different things. Cheaters do this because it's easier to lie than present their real selves and allow people to react, perhaps negatively, to that. Becoming a non-cheater means presenting your real, entire self to all the people with whom you have relationships. It means learning to to lie or deceive, neither by omission or commission.

I'm a parent and I finally kicked my exDH out after he cheated a second time, because I would never want my kids to grow up thinking that living with such abuse was OK. That's how her parents feel also. Once I split, I told my parents everything and there were a tremendous source of support. I am so lucky that I have a grew up in a great family.

If you want to recover your relationship with her parents, you will have to come clean to them too. In consultation with your spouse, you have to approach the family and apologize and answer any questions they have. THey will not be happy with you overnight. If you want a good relationship with them, you will have to earn it by consistently being honest and helpful and putting her and their interests above your own for many years in order to earn back the trust you broke.

Only consistent long term behavior will change things. Anything less and they would be bad parents to her, because they know no one should have to live with the kind of pain and uncertainty you have created.

[Anonymous]

This thread is 3 years old.

[Anonymous]

True. It's pretty timeless, though.

[Anonymous]

Who the hell involves parents in their relationship or love life? Do people ever grow up?