dealing with in-laws after infidelity

[Anonymous]

I am trying to salvage my marriage after an emotional affair. When she first discovered it, my wife was justifiably very angry with me and said some really bad things about me to her family. We are trying to reconcile, I am in therapy, we are in couples counseling. However, her family is very angry with me and probably has a horrible opinion about me after the things they were told, and now they are saying some nasty things about me that have gotten back to me through the family rumor mill. What can I do? What do I do? Just ignore and focus on improving myself and my marriage? Speak with the family members? Let my wife handle it - if she chooses - and stay out of it? Just hope things improve over time? I know I have done a bad thing, but the comments are really extremely hurtful (and not productive to helping my wife).

any advice from others who have been there? I had a really strong relationship with the family before this, and we are all local so we all see each other a lot.

[Anonymous]

take your medicine. They will never like you again, but at least you have your wife.

My wife bad-mouthed me to her family when we weren't getting along (not infidelity based) and they were a little pissed at me. However, they figured out she was being a spoiled brat and forgave me.

All you can do is be a better husband and see what happens. Make your wife happy first and don't worry about anything else.

Also, schedule unsupervised visits with your testicles if you can. I know they have been taken from you, but it's healthy to see them occasionally

[Anonymous]

If your wife was posting, this is why I would recommend her NOT to get other family members involved in your marriage business. Makes it harder to stay and plug away at fixing the marriage.

Since you are posting, I would say it sucks but you will need to just ignore their gossip for now. You let your wife down. Now that her family knows, you let them down. You are rightly embarrassed and hurt by their lack of faith in you. The only thing you can do to move on is focus on improving things with your wife and with time you can show you have learned from this and will be a better husband in the future. With time, the talk will end.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to have to say this but things with her family will never be the same again. They cannot just forget what they have been told. I think that the best that you can hope for is that the comments will die down over time. I dont think it will do any good to have your wife talk to her relatives - if anything she should stop talking bc I am certain that they are not too happy about the fact that she is staying with you.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:take your medicine. They will never like you again, but at least you have your wife.

My wife bad-mouthed me to her family when we weren't getting along (not infidelity based) and they were a little pissed at me. However, they figured out she was being a spoiled brat and forgave me.

All you can do is be a better husband and see what happens. Make your wife happy first and don't worry about anything else.

Also, schedule unsupervised visits with your testicles if you can. I know they have been taken from you, but it's healthy to see them occasionally

Ouch, really? They will never like me again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your wife was posting, this is why I would recommend her NOT to get other family members involved in your marriage business. Makes it harder to stay and plug away at fixing the marriage.

Op here. I completely agree and wish that they hadn't been involved at all. Not because I am looking for the easy way out, but I think my wife really wants to salvage things and now the involvement of her family is making things much harder for her because they all hate me so much. But it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your wife was posting, this is why I would recommend her NOT to get other family members involved in your marriage business. Makes it harder to stay and plug away at fixing the marriage.

Op here. I completely agree and wish that they hadn't been involved at all. Not because I am looking for the easy way out, but I think my wife really wants to salvage things and now the involvement of her family is making things much harder for her because they all hate me so much. But it is what it is.

This is what you should be worried about - if she is really close to her family then I will be unlikely that she reconciles with you if they hate your guts. Her family may force her to choose btw you and then - think she will choose you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your wife was posting, this is why I would recommend her NOT to get other family members involved in your marriage business. Makes it harder to stay and plug away at fixing the marriage.

Op here. I completely agree and wish that they hadn't been involved at all. Not because I am looking for the easy way out, but I think my wife really wants to salvage things and now the involvement of her family is making things much harder for her because they all hate me so much. But it is what it is.

This is what you should be worried about - if she is really close to her family then I will be unlikely that she reconciles with you if they hate your guts. Her family may force her to choose btw you and then - think she will choose you?

I don't know. Even if she does, we are in for a lifetime of awkward family get togethers, it appears.

[Anonymous]

Curious, what horrible things could she have said about you if the affair was only "emotional". Sorry, I am sure it sucks for you right now.

[Anonymous]

We went through this but not because of an affair. My husband went to my father and apologized for his behavior. They had a talk and now all is well. Over time things have gotten back to normal.

[Anonymous]

This will blow over if you handle it well, but only insomuch as discovering who really will forgive you or is just a good person in general. You will learn who your inlaws really are. Some people can forgive! Don't be too bummed.

My husband cheated and my family knows. They still treat him respectfully, even though I'm probably divorcing him. That's because I believe my family to be good folks that are not judgemental. You'll see who judgemental and not over time and the ones that forgive you are worth it in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:take your medicine. They will never like you again, but at least you have your wife.

My wife bad-mouthed me to her family when we weren't getting along (not infidelity based) and they were a little pissed at me. However, they figured out she was being a spoiled brat and forgave me.

All you can do is be a better husband and see what happens. Make your wife happy first and don't worry about anything else.

Also, schedule unsupervised visits with your testicles if you can. I know they have been taken from you, but it's healthy to see them occasionally

Ouch, really? They will never like me again?

A father never forgives anyone who pisses his daughter off. Good news - they're likely older and will die soooner than later. I'm not knocking you because you had an emotional affair, I'm just telling you that there are consequences for having one. You have no idea how much your wife played up the story to them. She may have made it sound worse just to get sympathy. If it gets bad you can just say "it's them or me - I'm going to be around for the next 60 years, they may not make it 20. your choice."

[Anonymous]

What does your wife think about what her family is saying? That seems like the real issue. If she has a problem with it she should bring it up with them. If she doesn't really mind what they are saying, then you probably have bigger problems than your in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your wife think about what her family is saying? That seems like the real issue. If she has a problem with it she should bring it up with them. If she doesn't really mind what they are saying, then you probably have bigger problems than your in-laws.

Hmm, that is a tough one. The wife is really in a hard spot. One the one hand she is trying to work things out with a man who cheated on her and on the other she is dealing with a family who hates that man but that she likely needs for support. Does she stick up for the man that hurt her at the risk of alienating the family that she may need if they are not able to reconcile?

[Anonymous]

I've never been unfaithful to my DH, but my MIL butts in her two cents every once in a while on all subjects including child raising and our marriage. For the most part, I just ignore her. Been married 20 years and she is now getting close to 80. I've learned through the years she is never going to change so everyone gets along better if I keep my mouth shut.

If something important needs to be discussed, I take it up with my DH directly. As long as we are on the same page, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks including his mom. She won't be around forever so it really doesn't matter if she likes me or thinks I am a good wife and mother or not.

I would say focus on your wife and your marriage. She is the one you need to prove yourself to. Who cares what her family thinks?