dealing with in-laws after infidelity

[Anonymous]

We have been in this exact situation, from the family side. SIL and her husband were separated for a while after he cheated...he just disappeared from family events for a long while. Now she is bringing him around again to holidays, etc. We certainly don't condone anything he did and are still angry and disappointed about what he did to SIL (and kids), but if she wants him back, we'll defer to her judgement on that issue. Have to say that things are definitely not as smooth as they were before--he is accepted for her sake, but he certainly isn't anyone's best friend. But, everyone is very civilized about it and there have not been any scenes at any get-togethers. People are civil, but not overly friendly. That's probably the best you can hope for, in the short term. I imagine that if you continue to behave yourself and support your DW, the chill will subside over time, as I imagine it will in our case.
If no one is being rude to your face, consider that a win and use your best manners around her family to continue to show that you are still a good guy.

[Anonymous]

I had an emotional affair years ago, OP.
My parents nearly got me to divorce, because they saw this as another reason why my husband could not fully support me. They dislike DH, and my mother is regularly quite rude to him, and me - recently stated she thought I had "ruined my life" by staying with him. My father is always civil, but I know he only tolerates him.

DH's parents stayed outwardly neutral (probably had a few choice words for me at first, but it never got round to my ears), and his mother exhorted DH to take better care of his me!
I have always been treated very well by my in-laws.

So it depends on whether your in-laws are reasonable and if your wife is committed to you. If they are, this too shall pass. It also depends on the specific circumstances and how badly your wife portrayed you to them. Be penitent with quiet dignity. If they are insulting, be the bigger person and refuse to engage.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately my friend, this is just one of the repercussions for what you did. Your wife needed someone to talk to since she was so devastated and she turned to those who she is closest to. I believe they are in their right mind to hate you now, however if and when things change, I am sure they will be able to be on better terms w/you. You have to prove yourself to them. Show them you messed up big time and sincerely want to be a better man. This will take time, but once trust is established again, you can take the initiative and tell them personally how sorry you were that you hurt your wife. Point out how much progress you guys have made by then and promise them if you screw up again, they have every right in the world to cut you out of their hearts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your wife think about what her family is saying? That seems like the real issue. If she has a problem with it she should bring it up with them. If she doesn't really mind what they are saying, then you probably have bigger problems than your in-laws.

Hmm, that is a tough one. The wife is really in a hard spot. One the one hand she is trying to work things out with a man who cheated on her and on the other she is dealing with a family who hates that man but that she likely needs for support. Does she stick up for the man that hurt her at the risk of alienating the family that she may need if they are not able to reconcile?

Has the wife questioned herself and asked why this happened? Can't even begin to think mending a marriage unless she is honest about whether or not her behavior helped breed the environment that left room for an emotional affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been in this exact situation, from the family side. SIL and her husband were separated for a while after he cheated...he just disappeared from family events for a long while. Now she is bringing him around again to holidays, etc. We certainly don't condone anything he did and are still angry and disappointed about what he did to SIL (and kids), but if she wants him back, we'll defer to her judgement on that issue. Have to say that things are definitely not as smooth as they were before--he is accepted for her sake, but he certainly isn't anyone's best friend. But, everyone is very civilized about it and there have not been any scenes at any get-togethers. People are civil, but not overly friendly. That's probably the best you can hope for, in the short term. I imagine that if you continue to behave yourself and support your DW, the chill will subside over time, as I imagine it will in our case.
If no one is being rude to your face, consider that a win and use your best manners around her family to continue to show that you are still a good guy.

OP - this is all you need to know. Here's a MIL telling you that you are fucked. Go to the family bbq and they're spitting in your food and peeing in your beer. It's best you never go around them again. They hate you and always will. Most ILs hate whoever married their kid to begin with, you gave them even more reason.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you're being a whiny complainer. You made this bed, 100%, and now you're laying in it. Instead of complaining, make it your goal to prove everybody wrong. Treat your wife better. Apologize directly to your in-laws for hurting their child. Face it down like a man. You are your own worst enemy right now.

[Anonymous]

Just focus on your relationship with your wife. You're married to her not your in-laws. Many people have bad relationships with their in-laws, join the club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been in this exact situation, from the family side. SIL and her husband were separated for a while after he cheated...he just disappeared from family events for a long while. Now she is bringing him around again to holidays, etc. We certainly don't condone anything he did and are still angry and disappointed about what he did to SIL (and kids), but if she wants him back, we'll defer to her judgement on that issue. Have to say that things are definitely not as smooth as they were before--he is accepted for her sake, but he certainly isn't anyone's best friend. But, everyone is very civilized about it and there have not been any scenes at any get-togethers. People are civil, but not overly friendly. That's probably the best you can hope for, in the short term. I imagine that if you continue to behave yourself and support your DW, the chill will subside over time, as I imagine it will in our case.
If no one is being rude to your face, consider that a win and use your best manners around her family to continue to show that you are still a good guy.

OP - this is all you need to know. Here's a MIL telling you that you are fucked. Go to the family bbq and they're spitting in your food and peeing in your beer. It's best you never go around them again. They hate you and always will. Most ILs hate whoever married their kid to begin with, you gave them even more reason.

Are you being sarcastic? I didn't get that at all from the post. I actually think the family is being very civil considering the situation. What, are they supposed to forget what they were told? Get real.

[Anonymous]

OP, they aren't going to get over this soon, and they probably will never be friendly "pals" with you ever again. Their first priority is their daughter- it's going to take her a long time to get over this probably- it's the nature of it. Her parents don't owe you anything, they just want their daughter happy.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to say, they probably won't consider you "family" anymore. You're from now on "the guy that Ellen is married to." We have a couple of these in my extended family and everybody is civil to the guy, but nobody really likes them. (And it's not necessarily due to infidelity- for us, it's other issues, like the husbands not supporting the wives and kids and the parents having to do it instead, but the idea is the same. You're not a good guy to the family member, nobody loves you, they just tolerate you.)

[Anonymous]

++

but agree it wouldn't hurt to apologize to the ILs for being a jerk and hurting their DD and their family with your behavior. Maybe they'll come around, given time.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a feeling that this came to light less than a year ago. If I am correct, then you are in the wrong about wanting the family to move past it. Create a five-year goal and that will be much more realistic. I think apologizing to your In laws one on one would be a good idea. At a certain point when your wife chooses, she will need to tell her family to back down and support her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to salvage my marriage after an emotional affair. When she first discovered it, my wife was justifiably very angry with me and said some really bad things about me to her family. We are trying to reconcile, I am in therapy, we are in couples counseling. However, her family is very angry with me and probably has a horrible opinion about me after the things they were told, and now they are saying some nasty things about me that have gotten back to me through the family rumor mill. What can I do? What do I do? Just ignore and focus on improving myself and my marriage? Speak with the family members? Let my wife handle it - if she chooses - and stay out of it? Just hope things improve over time? I know I have done a bad thing, but the comments are really extremely hurtful (and not productive to helping my wife).

any advice from others who have been there? I had a really strong relationship with the family before this, and we are all local so we all see each other a lot.

What? Did you put your penis in somebody else or not? If not grow a pair. Remind your wife you did not. Then together you both remind the noses bodies this is your family ( you + wife). She's forgiven you they have NO right for additional comment. She needs to uphold her end of that comment part.

If you don't nip this it will fester. There will be resentment and probably a physical affair will occur maybe with you or possibly her. And then The End

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your wife think about what her family is saying? That seems like the real issue. If she has a problem with it she should bring it up with them. If she doesn't really mind what they are saying, then you probably have bigger problems than your in-laws.

How do you stop a rumor mill?

[Anonymous]

My husband cheated on me. He introduced his mistress to his family. They accepted her. After a few months, my husband left the girl and came to reconcilable with me. I forgave my husband and we are now together, after he apologized. His mistress also apologized. His family refused to, they said I deserve it, after hitting there son/brother after finding out about the affair. My husband & I fought. My husband did go to his family and said bad stuff about me. My family forgave my husband and moved on. His family refuses to apologize in order to move on. They want to go on as if they did nothing wrong. So my husband decided to cut all ties off from them, keeping the kids & I away from them. We are the ones now being betrayed aa the outcast whilst the ones that have done wrong are praised.