Everyone says that they are busy with their own lives, no time for me

[Anonymous]

If I'm guessing right, you post on here a lot, and it's always the same story. Keep trying therapists and don't stop until you find one you like. Judging from the frequency of your posts, it has to be something about you...it's almost like you want to feel bad or something.

Or move. You're in Burke, surrounded by families, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving in your 30s to a brand new area is hard but the social component can come together -- it does for many people esp. in this area who move here for jobs. It will just be slower. What I can’t figure out is if you’re just having a rough weekend or if you’re always this upset about the situation; it’s totally fine to be upset but you cannot let on. People want to hang out with people who are fun and happy, not miserable and worried. Do you have any interest in golf? If you do, I have to imagine that there are women’s groups as well -- maybe put together with the assistance of a golf club/course since there are fewer women wanting to golf; that seems like the kind of activity that will lead to making friends because you will see the same limited number of women over and over. And as the PP said, it is totally a guy thing to spend a half day together and know nothing about the other person; I can’t imagine that women aren’t chatting the entire time. A book club may also be a good idea -- you don’t see a ton of turnover in that because once people commit to reading a book, they are at least coming to the weeks where that book is being discussed -- so you’ll see the same people over and over; while I don’t belong to a book club, my image is that they become a bit like the one from Jerry Maguire - you talk about the book, drink wine, talk about life etc. Same with bowling leagues though I don’t know if they are common in this area as much as in small town USA.

I agree with the PP who said don’t spend too much of your effort on people with kids, esp. young ones; they are busy and when they have time, they always want to hang out with others who have kids. I would reach out to the women you know who are single or married without kids, or people with older kids -- as the people with 10 yr olds are more likely to enjoy couple time as they don’t have to worry about a baby waking them up at 5 am.

I would make all the efforts that people are suggesting and give myself a certain number of months. Say in 6 months, re-assess and see how things are socially (which may be a good time, as you can throw a late summer BBQ and see if you have enough invitees and how it feels to have them around). Would you ever consider moving back to the southwest where it sounds like you still have friends and family or to another city where most of your friends have re-located? I don’t know if jobs will allow that and while I normally don’t advocate running away from problems, I don’t see any reason to live your life this miserable either.

OP here. I really like your advice in this post, especially the part about the 6 month reassessment. That sounds like a really good way to think of making progress--I like the idea of the late summer BBQ.

Yes, I am always this upset about the social situation, especially when DH is on one of his business trips (like now). I think I hide my feelings pretty well--I've never discussed it with anyone at work, and I've never told anyone at work that I feel lonely. When he is away, it just feels like such an empty void to be completely alone in this area--that's what I feel like, is that I am 100% completely alone. Like if DH was away and I was very sick with the flu, and needed to go to the ER, there is absolutely no one I could call to be with me. That feeling makes me feel so isolated, so alone, and quite frankly, quite miserable here at times. Other times, like when he's home, I can deal with the social isolation better when we can fill our weekends with doing fun things together.

I think I feel especially upset too because it's DH birthday in a week, and like usual, we're just celebrating, him and I. I'll take him out for a lovely dinner, but it bums me out that DH and I celebrate every birthday, every holiday, and every milestone alone. I just wish we had a circle of friends to celebrate with us.

DH and I are not thinking about leaving the area--it's not a very appealing idea for either of us (neither of us are from the Southwest, that's just where we both met in grad school). Both of us are from other areas of the country, my parents left my hometown and retired elsewhere that is not appealing to me, and we don't get along with DH's family at all, so not appealing to move there. Friends from college are scattered all over the place. We both love the DC area--it's the perfect fit for us, except for the social part. I just need to be more patient, manage my anxiety about having no friends better, and manage my loneliness better and hope that in the next few years we can build some semblance of a social life.

[Anonymous]

There was an article somewhere recently (nytimes maybe?) about the difficulty in making friends at this stage in life, and I think they boiled it down to the fact that friendships arise most easily when you have many spontaneous interactions with the same group of people. So high school, college, grad school etc. where you run into the same people over and over in different contexts (same classe, same eating spots, same gym, etc) are fertile friendship breeding grounds whereas life mid-30s just isn't. I think that's one of the reasons previous threads on friendship often have posters who say they struggled to make friends here until their kids were in a neighborhood preschool or elementary school and they started having more of those spontaneous interactions with other parents.

Not sure how you best can use that advice, but it may be worth thinking about how you could change your habits to create more of those opportunities. Join the gym your coworkers go to (that was a big start of friendships at one of my previous workplaces), grab coffee regularly at your neighborhood hotspot where you're more likely to run into neighbors, spend time outside in good weather, where you're likely to run into those same people, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moving in your 30s to a brand new area is hard but the social component can come together -- it does for many people esp. in this area who move here for jobs. It will just be slower. What I can’t figure out is if you’re just having a rough weekend or if you’re always this upset about the situation; it’s totally fine to be upset but you cannot let on. People want to hang out with people who are fun and happy, not miserable and worried. Do you have any interest in golf? If you do, I have to imagine that there are women’s groups as well -- maybe put together with the assistance of a golf club/course since there are fewer women wanting to golf; that seems like the kind of activity that will lead to making friends because you will see the same limited number of women over and over. And as the PP said, it is totally a guy thing to spend a half day together and know nothing about the other person; I can’t imagine that women aren’t chatting the entire time. A book club may also be a good idea -- you don’t see a ton of turnover in that because once people commit to reading a book, they are at least coming to the weeks where that book is being discussed -- so you’ll see the same people over and over; while I don’t belong to a book club, my image is that they become a bit like the one from Jerry Maguire - you talk about the book, drink wine, talk about life etc. Same with bowling leagues though I don’t know if they are common in this area as much as in small town USA.

I agree with the PP who said don’t spend too much of your effort on people with kids, esp. young ones; they are busy and when they have time, they always want to hang out with others who have kids. I would reach out to the women you know who are single or married without kids, or people with older kids -- as the people with 10 yr olds are more likely to enjoy couple time as they don’t have to worry about a baby waking them up at 5 am.

I would make all the efforts that people are suggesting and give myself a certain number of months. Say in 6 months, re-assess and see how things are socially (which may be a good time, as you can throw a late summer BBQ and see if you have enough invitees and how it feels to have them around). Would you ever consider moving back to the southwest where it sounds like you still have friends and family or to another city where most of your friends have re-located? I don’t know if jobs will allow that and while I normally don’t advocate running away from problems, I don’t see any reason to live your life this miserable either.

OP here. I really like your advice in this post, especially the part about the 6 month reassessment. That sounds like a really good way to think of making progress--I like the idea of the late summer BBQ.

Yes, I am always this upset about the social situation, especially when DH is on one of his business trips (like now). I think I hide my feelings pretty well--I've never discussed it with anyone at work, and I've never told anyone at work that I feel lonely. When he is away, it just feels like such an empty void to be completely alone in this area--that's what I feel like, is that I am 100% completely alone. Like if DH was away and I was very sick with the flu, and needed to go to the ER, there is absolutely no one I could call to be with me. That feeling makes me feel so isolated, so alone, and quite frankly, quite miserable here at times. Other times, like when he's home, I can deal with the social isolation better when we can fill our weekends with doing fun things together.

I think I feel especially upset too because it's DH birthday in a week, and like usual, we're just celebrating, him and I. I'll take him out for a lovely dinner, but it bums me out that DH and I celebrate every birthday, every holiday, and every milestone alone. I just wish we had a circle of friends to celebrate with us.

DH and I are not thinking about leaving the area--it's not a very appealing idea for either of us (neither of us are from the Southwest, that's just where we both met in grad school). Both of us are from other areas of the country, my parents left my hometown and retired elsewhere that is not appealing to me, and we don't get along with DH's family at all, so not appealing to move there. Friends from college are scattered all over the place. We both love the DC area--it's the perfect fit for us, except for the social part. I just need to be more patient, manage my anxiety about having no friends better, and manage my loneliness better and hope that in the next few years we can build some semblance of a social life.

Start off small -- if his birthday is in a week, why not send out an email to a bunch of people you know saying you'd like to start something new and get a bunch of people together for an after work happy hour or dinner in celebration of his birthday. Send it out widely -- work people you like, work people he likes, his golf guys and their wives/girlfriends, a casual acquaintance or two you've met along the way etc -- just a "hey is anyone around to get together" type of thing. You may get a few people without plans who would like to hang out, or you may get a bunch of people who say "sorry - can't do it on Thurs. but let's get together soon," in which case you take them up on it and plan something down the road. Either way don't take it to heart if people aren't receptive, but if people are receptive, then you have a few others to celebrate this with; whether it leads to life long BFFs or not, who knows but take it one step at a time.

In terms of what would happen in an emergency, you can't think like that. Think about all those who never marry, are elderly etc. -- things work out for everyone; I have seen random co-workers and almost virtual strangers rise to the occasion when someone needs something in an emergency, so don't dwell on those kinds of thoughts.

[Anonymous]

OP, is it possible that the people you're meeting in social groups are actually looking for a romantic connection (but not necessarily admitting it). When I was single I joined some classes and activities with the hope of meeting a nice guy, more so than female friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want to let you know that I have had the very same experience you're having. It is really horrible. I know this doesn't help you to solve the problem. I'm sorry I don't have any good advice. Sending good thoughts your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just want to let you know that I have had the very same experience you're having. It is really horrible. I know this doesn't help you to solve the problem. I'm sorry I don't have any good advice. Sending good thoughts your way.

OP here. I am sorry to hear you are going through this. What has worked for you so far? Did you eventually make friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get what you're saying and I feel the same way sometime -- if I don't email anyone or plan anything, no one reaches out to me. But I don't think as much about it as you do. Think of it this way - if this is how life is meant to be for you -- i.e. you can make efforts and get some social contact or you can make no efforts and get no interaction, what would you want? Isn't casual friendship and some company better than nothing? If yes, keep doing what you're doing and see where it takes you. Enjoy the time that you do spend with people and don't worry about whether or not they will reach out to you or when you'll hang out next. If no (and I do know people who say if I can't have BFFs, I don't want anything), then stop trying -- and make your peace with finding fun activities that you and DH enjoy and don't worry about what anyone else is doing on weekends in comparison.

OP here. I think this is very good advice. I do agree that casual friendship and occasional company is better than nothing, though I would prefer close friendships and being with people every weekend. I love to be around others and feel awful when I am alone.

It is very hard, however, to not compare myself to everyone else I meet (who all seem to have tons of plans and lots of friends and family around). When I hear about co-workers fun weekend plans and all their friends and family I just feel so sad and depressed. I can't help feeling this way, because I have never failed so miserably at something I've tried so hard for (trying to make friends).

OP, I strongly suspect that you have one or two individuals at your office who, over time and through familiarity, have divined your insecurity about your social life and are either consciously or unconsciously playing on this by dropping info about their so called fun filled, packed weekends. They are doing this to undermine you or to feel better about themselves or both. Again, it might be unconscious. You in turn are rewarding them with wistful facial expressions or whatever, and the cycle continues.

The best way to break this cycle is to actually plan and have a fun cool weekend, then you feel more balanced and less invested in what they did. Your indifference increases, healthily, and they pick up on this. IE, they say, "I'm so overbooked this weekend that I am having drinks with one group of friends tonight, dinner with another group, then meeting 2 other families the next day for soccer and cookout." you say, "yeah, I'm so glad its the weekend too, I'm really looking forward to it." Then you actually go with another couple on a Virginia wine tasting tour or whatever, or try out the new Korean bbq joint, or whatever. Cultivate your own interests as you plan, far ahead, some activities. Monday morning you don't feel sad or defensive about what you did over the weekend, catty coworkers pick up on it, everyone is better off.

Your new interest in stuff will make you more interesting and people may invite you more, or if not, it's ok, cause you have planned interesting stuff on your own too. Mom coming to town, cool, you all are going to check out the new xyz exhibit at the Hirschhorn. Plan it up. Add in some weekends away. Camp at Assateague. put in a few hours at the gym sat and sun, and don't forget to host a family for brunch once in a while or invite a bunch of your kids' friends over for a valentine making party (you will chat with the parents too), etc etc. volunteer work, garden cleanup day at the school, lordy it just never stops does it, how did you get so busy?

[Anonymous]

OP,

It's okay to re-post with the same issue. Better to hash it out here than keep it bottled up. I like the idea of having your co-workers over. Maybe not for DH's b-day b/c I think that might set your expectations up too much.

I suggest a casual brunch with your and DH's co-workers and maybe some neighbors. You don't have to really know how to cook either. Pre-made mini quiches, fruit salad, bagels, cream cheese, coffee, maybe mimosas. It doesn't have to be for anything special. Just don't make it on a long weekend. I don't think they're picking up on any insecurities.

Keep trying!

[Anonymous]

Have you considered anti-depressants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just want to let you know that I have had the very same experience you're having. It is really horrible. I know this doesn't help you to solve the problem. I'm sorry I don't have any good advice. Sending good thoughts your way.

OP here. I am sorry to hear you are going through this. What has worked for you so far? Did you eventually make friends?

Well, yes and no. On a few occasions, I made friends, but eventually everyone moved away or they stopped working in the same office and seemed to forget about me. I am apparently very "out of sight out of mind." I now have a child and I get a little more interaction because of play dates, but overall I am still incredibly lonely. After all the effort, all the reaching out without reciprocation, I have mostly given up.

FWIW, I think a huge part of this is that my DH and I have virtually no family contact. So we never have family dinners, weddings, holiday gatherings, birthday parties for cousins, etc etc. I think for people with big families, that can fill half their social time, and then when you add in even a small number of "friends" outings, it seems like they are alway engaged. I am so incredibly jealous of people with strong family social networks. It will never happen for me and it makes me sad for my child, too.

I feel like I am being a real downer. I'm sorry, this is probably the opposite of helpful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just want to let you know that I have had the very same experience you're having. It is really horrible. I know this doesn't help you to solve the problem. I'm sorry I don't have any good advice. Sending good thoughts your way.

OP here. I am sorry to hear you are going through this. What has worked for you so far? Did you eventually make friends?

Well, yes and no. On a few occasions, I made friends, but eventually everyone moved away or they stopped working in the same office and seemed to forget about me. I am apparently very "out of sight out of mind." I now have a child and I get a little more interaction because of play dates, but overall I am still incredibly lonely. After all the effort, all the reaching out without reciprocation, I have mostly given up.

FWIW, I think a huge part of this is that my DH and I have virtually no family contact. So we never have family dinners, weddings, holiday gatherings, birthday parties for cousins, etc etc. I think for people with big families, that can fill half their social time, and then when you add in even a small number of "friends" outings, it seems like they are alway engaged. I am so incredibly jealous of people with strong family social networks. It will never happen for me and it makes me sad for my child, too.

I feel like I am being a real downer. I'm sorry, this is probably the opposite of helpful!

This. My co-workers who have fun, busy weekends also have big families -- with numerous siblings, inlaws, nieces/nephews - someone always has a soccer game that you can go to or an outing you can tag along on. FWIW, that's great that they have such rich lives, but I do not count that as socializing. It is just harder for those of us with 3 person families that live 1000 miles away from us; we have to rely on others to be our friends -- whereas in most (functional) families you don't have to wait for an invite or tell someone you're lonely or wonder why they don't call you back, you can just tag along to Johnny's soccer game and half your Sat is occupied, by the time you get home, run errands, eat etc. all of Sat. is gone and all you have left is Sunday where you can just veg without feeling like "i didn't talk to anyone all weekend." Don't worry about these people's lives -- they have never had to make their own way socially and they don't understand what it's like to feel like you have nothing going on and nothing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just want to let you know that I have had the very same experience you're having. It is really horrible. I know this doesn't help you to solve the problem. I'm sorry I don't have any good advice. Sending good thoughts your way.

OP here. I am sorry to hear you are going through this. What has worked for you so far? Did you eventually make friends?

Well, yes and no. On a few occasions, I made friends, but eventually everyone moved away or they stopped working in the same office and seemed to forget about me. I am apparently very "out of sight out of mind." I now have a child and I get a little more interaction because of play dates, but overall I am still incredibly lonely. After all the effort, all the reaching out without reciprocation, I have mostly given up.

FWIW, I think a huge part of this is that my DH and I have virtually no family contact. So we never have family dinners, weddings, holiday gatherings, birthday parties for cousins, etc etc. I think for people with big families, that can fill half their social time, and then when you add in even a small number of "friends" outings, it seems like they are alway engaged. I am so incredibly jealous of people with strong family social networks. It will never happen for me and it makes me sad for my child, too.

I feel like I am being a real downer. I'm sorry, this is probably the opposite of helpful!

OP here. I can relate to everything you are saying. I can relate to all the reaching out without reciprocation. It really sucks, and it chips away at my self-esteem every time I am rejected. I feel that I am the kind of person that others just never think about, which is why I feel so overlooked all the time. Why is that--is my personality just so bland so that I am just always overlooked? Overlooked by my co-workers for lunch invitations, overlooked when people are making plans, overlooked when co-workers stop by each other's offices to chat, but walk right on by mine without so much as saying good morning.

We too have practically no family contact--just seeing them once a year for both of us, and my family is a 6 hour plane ride away. DH's family is a 3 hour plane ride away. I also never have the kinds of family gatherings you describe. I have tons of first cousins, but none of them are interested in a relationship. I am completely overlooked by all of them. I too feel envious of people with big families or close knit families in the area. I hear people talking about the big family reunions they are planning for the summer where all 20 of them rent a big beach house on the Outer Banks for a week, and spend tons of time planning all the fun family activities they will do. When I hear about this sort of thing, my heart aches. This is what I long for but will never have. It makes me so sad. The only thing that can compensate is a strong circle of good friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am lonely too, and I'm out there. I'm eating lunch in an empty office while reading a book, I go to the museum alone, etc. Reach out!

Probably half a dozen people have started conversations with me at work simply by walking by my desk and seeing my book and using that as a jumping off point to begin a conversation about what I'm reading. I'll happily chat books with you, trade authors, etc. Once, when I could tell a co-worker was stressed, I found a piece of colored paper, wrapped a microwave popcorn in it, and wrote "Open in case of stress emergency" on the paper and left it on her desk. We became friends over that even though we'd never talked before. Reach out!

[Anonymous]

OP, don't feel bad. I have a very small family - I don't even have any cousins, aunts or uncles that I know, no siblings either - so I know how you feel when you hear about big family events. It always seems like everyone has these great families. I was surprised when I found out that my co-worker has an even smaller family than me (it's just her and her mother, no one else) and she's unhappily single (whereas I do have a husband and two children). She is 40 and I can tell she is sad about the family situation but she is doing okay with friends. Anyway I digress...but there are lots of us out there without 'typical' families and many folks who have big families have problems with their relatives.
Do you have a friend from high school or college days that you still keep in touch with that you have a bond with? If so, if I were you I would arrange a trip to visit them. One of my best friends from high school now lives in another country and I am going to visit her next month for a week. I am looking forward to some girlfriend time.