Everyone says that they are busy with their own lives, no time for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2. Walk around work saying "Everyone is so friendly!" or something like that. I did that when I started somewhere and it made people think I was friendly! I'm the bitchiest person ever - hard to believe it worked, but it did!

Haha, I love this.

I couldn't believe it was working, but everyone though I was super friendly and peppy and shit. Eventually the snarky people with a dark sense of humor found me, and we bonded, but overall everyone thought I was just swell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suggestions OP:

1. Put candy (individually wrapped please) in a dish at your desk. Pick something you don't like so you won't eat it.

2. Walk around work saying "Everyone is so friendly!" or something like that. I did that when I started somewhere and it made people think I was friendly! I'm the bitchiest person ever - hard to believe it worked, but it did!

3. Think like a stalker! I turned to a woman I'd volunteered with every week for 3 years and said to her in December, "Why do we not hang out? We never have enough time to chat. Want to go see a movie this month?"

As hilarious as this is, it is the best advice so far.

[Anonymous]

What do you like to do? Hobbies? If you run solo, join a running group. If you love animals, volunteer at humane society. Foodie? Try a cooking class series so you'll have a chance to see and get to know the same people over the course of several weeks. Pursue your interests/passions and hopefully you'll find some new acquaintances who, with time and effort, can become good friends. It does take effort though. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

You need to be the organizer, not just a joiner. How many times have you invited folks over for a dinner party or bbq? How many work lunches have you initiated? How many volunteer events did you take leadership of, etc?

I remember when I found out a woman on our hall was sad that a group of us never invited her on our coffee runs. She sat there for years and felt excluded. Then another woman moved onto our hall and started going to coffee with us, and this finally set the first woman off and her misery all came out.

The new woman had simply said "hey, you guys going for coffee, can I come?" and we said sure. After a few days, this new woman was the one who'd send the email around at 3 saying "coffee?"

We weren't excluding her. There were literally dozens of people on our floor and maybe 4-6 of us who went regularly. All she had to do was tag along OR form her own coffee run group.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can relate exactly. I'm painfully shy and I worry that it comes across as snobby sometimes. I've had a hard time making friends since I moved to DC. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

OP - I feel your pain.

I was just thinking how I'm never quite in the circle of anything. In my preschool, I always felt a bit outside the social circle of the moms. Now that my son is in K, I actually thought the other moms weren't that friendly. Turns out, they just aren't that friendly to me. Or I should say, they are friendly, but in a polite, keep your distance kind of way.. Which makes me wonder - maybe it is me. I do have trust issues. And I am busy. So maybe I give off some vibe of "keep your distance".

I also realize that I wait for people to invite me into things. I probably need to just be more assertive. Doesn't help my husband has no inclination to friend people - accept other males, where I wouldn't be included.

I like the idea of planning something and just inviting others. It is less pressure on both sides. I might steal it.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, join the club, OP. Around here there are many of us that could've written your post. I second the PPs who recommend that you initiate and invite. I still don't feel like I have a true circle where I belong, but at least we've gotten to the point that we're close enough to some people and have a circle of friendly acquaintances with whom we socialize on a fairly regular basis. We got to this point by taking the lead and inviting people over. Once or twice a month we have some kind of dinner or get-together that we host. It's not always a lot of work, sometimes we just order pizza and drink beer, watch a sports game. Also, at work I took the initiative to invite people to after-work happy hours, lunch time exercise, and the like. Some of my work relationships have really progressed to the point that they are the closest I have to good friends in the area and we occasionally get together on the weekends for girls' movie night, etc., so it's not just about getting together at the office anymore.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I am in the same boat OP.

The only thing is I dont put myself out there and I love going home alone to recharge..and see my infant too.

Id much rather be alone so thats how Ive been able to get through living in this area without it bothering me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a phrase that has always made me feel sad and left out. I am in my mid-30's, work full-time, happily married, no kids, but I feel that everyone is too busy with their own lives to make room for me. At work I hear people discussing their fun weekend plans, whereas we rarely have "plans" on the weekends--we go out and do fun things of course, but its mainly by ourselves. I feel the lack of a social circle or strong family connections very deeply. DH and I have lived in the area for a few years, and we did not have any connections to the area when we moved here. I love my job but feel a void in the evenings and weekends. Our families live very far away and we only see them once a year, and we both have very small families that don't enjoy spending time with each other, and DH's family is extremely dysfunctional and unpleasant to be around.

I feel left out at work too. I've been at this job for almost 2 years, but people never stop by my office to say hi or chat for a bit, the way I always do with them to be friendly. I still feel like I'm not "part of the group" despite the fact that my boss always writes that i'm a team player on my reviews.

I have gotten involved in a few things here over the years--volunteering, taking classes, meetup groups, different social groups, and have enjoyed some of them, but have never found a sense of belonging or feeling part of the community here, or found something that I'd like to really get involved in more deeply (my husband plays golf with a group that he's been in for a few years, I'd like to find something like that for myself, to have fun and feel a part of something, though he hasn't actually made any friends with this golf group--it amazes me that he doesn't really know anything personal about them.) I feel like I hear other people say that they're busy with their own lives--friends and family, but don't really have that here for myself, and I really want that.

I have been feeling especially down about this lately. I have been looking to find a therapist to discuss this with, but haven't really found a good fit yet (in NoVa).

I have made a few acquaintances here, but no good friends--no one to share personal stuff with. DH travels for work a few times a month, so it is hard on me to feel so isolated here.

What I wish I had is a tight social circle--friends who get together a few times a month, celebrate holidays together, and vacation together, or a close extended family who keeps in touch regularly, enjoys being together, and gets together for weddings, vacations, etc. It seems most of my work colleagues have this kind of connection, though most of them grew up here, and we're not from this area.

I can see with you if someone showed you some interest or kindness, it would make you feel so good. You are hungry for that, everyone is.

OP here. This is so, so true. I was just remarking to my DH the other day that I spend my entire workday helping others in need, supporting them when they need help (I am a pro bono lawyer) but no one sends a kind word my way. I can't remember the last time a gal showed real interest in me. I feel like I show interest in them, but it's not reciprocated, because they already have tons of friends and family and aren't interested in getting to know someone new. The same with invitations. I invite lots of people to do things, what usually happens is that they will accept, we'll have brunch or something, and then I never hear from them again. So I end up taking it personally and feeling like they didn't like me. Sometimes I invite them out a second time, but I really can't remember the last time someone took the initiative and invited me to do something.

I have been taking the lead to plan some events with my college alumni group, and it's made for a pleasant time out, but haven't really been able to make any friends from it so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suggestions OP:

1. Put candy (individually wrapped please) in a dish at your desk. Pick something you don't like so you won't eat it.

2. Walk around work saying "Everyone is so friendly!" or something like that. I did that when I started somewhere and it made people think I was friendly! I'm the bitchiest person ever - hard to believe it worked, but it did!

3. Think like a stalker! I turned to a woman I'd volunteered with every week for 3 years and said to her in December, "Why do we not hang out? We never have enough time to chat. Want to go see a movie this month?"

What a great attitude!
I will do all of these things.
Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a phrase that has always made me feel sad and left out. I am in my mid-30's, work full-time, happily married, no kids, but I feel that everyone is too busy with their own lives to make room for me. At work I hear people discussing their fun weekend plans, whereas we rarely have "plans" on the weekends--we go out and do fun things of course, but its mainly by ourselves. I feel the lack of a social circle or strong family connections very deeply. DH and I have lived in the area for a few years, and we did not have any connections to the area when we moved here. I love my job but feel a void in the evenings and weekends. Our families live very far away and we only see them once a year, and we both have very small families that don't enjoy spending time with each other, and DH's family is extremely dysfunctional and unpleasant to be around.

I feel left out at work too. I've been at this job for almost 2 years, but people never stop by my office to say hi or chat for a bit, the way I always do with them to be friendly. I still feel like I'm not "part of the group" despite the fact that my boss always writes that i'm a team player on my reviews.

I have gotten involved in a few things here over the years--volunteering, taking classes, meetup groups, different social groups, and have enjoyed some of them, but have never found a sense of belonging or feeling part of the community here, or found something that I'd like to really get involved in more deeply (my husband plays golf with a group that he's been in for a few years, I'd like to find something like that for myself, to have fun and feel a part of something, though he hasn't actually made any friends with this golf group--it amazes me that he doesn't really know anything personal about them.) I feel like I hear other people say that they're busy with their own lives--friends and family, but don't really have that here for myself, and I really want that.

Yes, I understand what you're saying and get where you're coming from. I've been there and I still struggle sometimes. But you really have to remind yourself to not take it personally off the bat and stop expecting reciprocity. Persist and invite someone a few times even if they give you no indication that they would do the same for you. If they turn you down a few times in a row and it becomes clear that pursuing them is a waste of energy, write them off and move on to other people. But if you want some results you just have to develop a thicker skin and accept that in order to move a relationship forward with some people, you may have to deal with one-sided efforts on your part for a while.

I have been feeling especially down about this lately. I have been looking to find a therapist to discuss this with, but haven't really found a good fit yet (in NoVa).

I have made a few acquaintances here, but no good friends--no one to share personal stuff with. DH travels for work a few times a month, so it is hard on me to feel so isolated here.

What I wish I had is a tight social circle--friends who get together a few times a month, celebrate holidays together, and vacation together, or a close extended family who keeps in touch regularly, enjoys being together, and gets together for weddings, vacations, etc. It seems most of my work colleagues have this kind of connection, though most of them grew up here, and we're not from this area.

I can see with you if someone showed you some interest or kindness, it would make you feel so good. You are hungry for that, everyone is.

OP here. This is so, so true. I was just remarking to my DH the other day that I spend my entire workday helping others in need, supporting them when they need help (I am a pro bono lawyer) but no one sends a kind word my way. I can't remember the last time a gal showed real interest in me. I feel like I show interest in them, but it's not reciprocated, because they already have tons of friends and family and aren't interested in getting to know someone new. The same with invitations. I invite lots of people to do things, what usually happens is that they will accept, we'll have brunch or something, and then I never hear from them again. So I end up taking it personally and feeling like they didn't like me. Sometimes I invite them out a second time, but I really can't remember the last time someone took the initiative and invited me to do something.

I have been taking the lead to plan some events with my college alumni group, and it's made for a pleasant time out, but haven't really been able to make any friends from it so far.

[Anonymous]

OP, I say this as nicely as possible. And this is coming from a person who used to have a difficult time finding and making meaningful friendships.

Is there any chance you may be unknowingly doing something to turn others off? In my case, I didn't have the best self esteem. This turned into me almost bragging about some of my stuff and trying so hard to be "part of the group" that I inadvertently turned people off. It took one of my only friends to point out this behavior to me. I've really changed in the last 6 months, and DH and I are starting to have a pretty active social calendar!

[Anonymous]

OP sorry. I think there are a lot of people feeling like this - myself included.

I work as a nanny so no coworkers. I'm not married or dating. For some reason I was thinking about marriage (I think because I was watching bridesmaids) & I couldn't think of one person who would be my maid of honor or brides maid. Of course I need to date first - than,marriage.

Wish there was a magic button that fixed it all (that was easy )
But there is not.
Perhaps try meetup.com? Find groups with common interests - for you alone and also for both you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a really nice person. Would love to be your friend !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I say this as nicely as possible. And this is coming from a person who used to have a difficult time finding and making meaningful friendships.

Is there any chance you may be unknowingly doing something to turn others off? In my case, I didn't have the best self esteem. This turned into me almost bragging about some of my stuff and trying so hard to be "part of the group" that I inadvertently turned people off. It took one of my only friends to point out this behavior to me. I've really changed in the last 6 months, and DH and I are starting to have a pretty active social calendar!

OP here. I do think I must be doing something to turn others off. I really do. The problem is, I am not sure what it is, though I have a few ideas. I have asked my DH many times about this, as he sees me in a variety of social situations and he told me he can't think of anything. He said if he did notice something he would be honest with me. I have also asked my college roommate about this (who lives in another state) as well as a therapist I used to go to (who had no feedback about this issue either). Maybe it's not so much anything I'm saying, but more my appearance or body language. I am more of a reserved person, who isn't super bubbly, but still shows a lot of interest in others and is a good conversationalist. I think my reserved nature is one thing that turns others off, though I would not say I am a person who is hard to get to know at all.

I think the other part of it is that while I try to smile a lot to compensate for this, the natural expression of my face at rest looks slightly mad because my mouth turns slightly downward. I've been self-conscious of this for a long time, and try to smile a lot to compensate for this, and/or keep a neutral but pleasant expression, but I think this turns others off. In the past before I started smiling a lot to compensate, people used to ask me what was wrong a lot, even when nothing was wrong. It was just they were interpreting my neutral expression as something being wrong. I don't know what to do about this though. I think people don't like me because of this.